Watching a Trainwreck

[Strategery]

Update:

I've finally got a chance to talk to Roy today. He was showing me a problem with one of the machines. I asked him how quitting alcohol was going. He said he hadn't drank since Sunday night, which I knew was an absolute F*cking lie, so I pressed the matter, and asked if he thought it would be difficult to quit (I had no idea what to say). He made out like it would be a piece of cake, I assumed to get me to shut up.

I suppose it truly is hopeless. I keep picturing him either having a stroke, becoming so weak that he trips one morning, breaks a hip and then atrophies further while recovering from that, or he gets hurt on the property somehow.

I wonder if he knows that I give a F*ck? I'm thinking of trying again tomorrow.

 

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[ZCP]

@Strategery have you told him how much you care about him?
have you told him what it does to you when you see him like this?
have you been clear to him how it will make you feel when he has a stroke and dies and is no longer in your life? does he know how you will feel when you speak at his funeral?
he needs and deserves to know.

ask him for 15 minutes one evening and talk to him. tell him how you feel and what he means to you.
then let him know you are there to help him.

 

[Bearcorp]

Good luck @Strategery, I agree with @ZCP, sit him down when he’s sober, open up to him, but also understand there’s a very good chance it will fall on deaf ears. I’ve had to cut people out of my life because of this, including a family member who was like a brother to me growing up. Years of trying to reason and talk to him, but eventually I had enough, it was the lying that did it to me. He’d ring me up and slur “I’m back on track big fella, haven’t had a drink in weeks!” Then proceed to tell me he loved me, then hated me, then the next breath loved me again. He’d go out drinking and cause trouble with people I knew, tell them he was my brother and he’d get me involved and all sorts of stupid shit like that... The things I did over the years for him.... argh what a nightmare.
If they won’t help themselves, won’t accept help, and even worse, lie to those that are trying to help, sometimes the cord needs to be cut.

 

[Mhinto]

I have a friend in a similar situation but with meth and heroine. I've had the personal sit-downs, the interventions with the closest friends and I've also just tried hanging out with him and not talking about his addictions because I don't want to push him away. My thinking is that his sober friends only want to bitch at him while his drug friends main concern is having fun. No wonder he doesn't want to hang out with us anymore...

Anyway, none of those approaches have worked. He's been to rehab 3 times, narcanned 3 times after overdosing, has a young daughter and distraught family. None of that seems to matter. He's gotten the talk from all of us no telling how many times. I'm assuming this is a much different animal than being an alcoholic but I think the moral of the story is the same. If you don't want to change you wont.

This seems to be true in many different circumstances. People who want to lose weight but cant clean up their diet. People who want to find "the one" but wont stop sleeping with every person of the opposite sex that gives them an opportunity. People that want to start a business but don't want to really make the effort. It's hard to change and if you don't want to change badly enough you won't do what it takes to make a difference.

I asked my friend what makes it so hard to quit. You know what he told me? "I just like getting high." At that point I kinda knew my efforts weren't making a difference. He then went on to tell me how much he enjoys his new lifestyle. He said he does what he loves all day long. For several months he lived in the woods. I'm serious. Under a cliff in a sleeping bag for months... During that time he said he would get high, hunt, fish and do whatever he wanted all day. I have no clue how to help at this point. I haven't talked to him in quite sometime now. I don't ask his family how he is doing because I don't want to make them think about it. It truly is terrible.

 

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[AgainstAllOdds]

I fear the next few years are going to be very unpleasant for him. He simply refuses to make any positive change for himself. I'm not sure how to go about helping him, especially if he can't even make an effort. I feel like I'm just going to helplessly watch until he just doesn't show up for work one morning, and never does again.

Fire him. It's not your place to turn his life around. It's his.

 

[Mattie]

At my family's business/my slowlane job, (I've discussed this in another thread) we have an employee who I'll call Roy. I've known Roy for a very long time. He's 56. He works hard. He's a good dude. And he's a drunk.

He took last Saturday off, and stayed drunk from Friday until Monday. He walked over (he lives on the property) to the office Monday morning to tell my dad that he was too drunk to work. Yesterday his wife texted me and said they were in the ER. His blood pressure was 200/110. Big surprise, he had stayed drunk on Monday, too.

I spoke with him this morning. He said he thought that he was going to die yesterday...he was sure of it. He took a long drag from his cigarette and said, "I'm done drinking. Never again." I smiled and encouraged him. It was hard to listen to his bullshit.

He called my brother to tell him about something going on at the business a while ago. My brother said he was drunk again.

I fear the next few years are going to be very unpleasant for him. He simply refuses to make any positive change for himself. I'm not sure how to go about helping him, especially if he can't even make an effort. I feel like I'm just going to helplessly watch until he just doesn't show up for work one morning, and never does again.

Sorry if this bums anyone out, I just really don't know how to help him, and don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it.

I believe as you stated, he's been in the hospital, which indicates life events are happening to allow him to recognize he has an issue. Obviously, no boss would say okay, "You can stay home and be drunk today." That's just not how business is run. I would give him a warning and write him up and say it can't happen again. It's not saying he's fired, but obviously giving him a consequence he can't keep associating work with drinking when he feels like it and getting away from it.

If he keeps doing it, say okay we are giving you this option. You are written up again and suspended from work until you go to some type or rehab and your doctor says you're healthy enough because of your high blood pressure or whatever to handle responsibilities.

It's kind of where you don't have to be firing him, but pushing him like most business people do. "How bad do you want your job?" We have a business to run. We enjoy your hard work, but you're just not performing at your best physically, mentally, and emotionally under the influence.

We can't keep you if this behavior continues long-term.

 

[Strategery]

Fire him. It's not your place to turn his life around. It's his.

I agree, and if I were in charge of hiring/firing, I may have told him he needed to go to rehab or else. But it's not my choice, it's my dad and brother who are ultimately in charge.

I've tried multiple times to talk to him over the past few days, and he maintains that he's quit drinking. I know he's lying, but there really isn't anything left to do. This thread just isn't going to have a happy ending folks, sorry.

 

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[Iwokeup]

At my family's business/my slowlane job, (I've discussed this in another thread) we have an employee who I'll call Roy. I've known Roy for a very long time. He's 56. He works hard. He's a good dude. And he's a drunk.

He took last Saturday off, and stayed drunk from Friday until Monday. He walked over (he lives on the property) to the office Monday morning to tell my dad that he was too drunk to work. Yesterday his wife texted me and said they were in the ER. His blood pressure was 200/110. Big surprise, he had stayed drunk on Monday, too.

I spoke with him this morning. He said he thought that he was going to die yesterday...he was sure of it. He took a long drag from his cigarette and said, "I'm done drinking. Never again." I smiled and encouraged him. It was hard to listen to his bullshit.

He called my brother to tell him about something going on at the business a while ago. My brother said he was drunk again.

I fear the next few years are going to be very unpleasant for him. He simply refuses to make any positive change for himself. I'm not sure how to go about helping him, especially if he can't even make an effort. I feel like I'm just going to helplessly watch until he just doesn't show up for work one morning, and never does again.

Sorry if this bums anyone out, I just really don't know how to help him, and don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it.

Be supportive. Be there if you can. And realize that you cannot make anyone do anything that THEY don't want to do. Ever. And realize that we all make our choices in life, good or bad.