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My dad is getting screwed

Brian Suh

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How do I tell my dad this? My step mom married him because of his money and no one else wanted her. I can see why when she came into my house. She was unmarried at 42 which should be a warning sign in and of itself. Then they dont even sleep in the same bed, they sleep in two seperate beds and tell me a lot of couples do this lol. She then proceeds to have two kids with him even though they fight all the time. He is getting used and it hurts me to see him destroyed. He isnt the same anymore. I tried telling him this before but he denies reality and tries to cover it up with some fluff about how its okay. Is the old adage true, teach a pig to fly and he will get mad, the pig likes the dirt.
 

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B. Cole

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All you can do is focus on yourself. Keep your ambitions high, create an awesome life for yourself and always have a place in it for your dad to partake.
 

NMdad

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It sounds like the pain of his current situation isn't big enough to force any change. Kinda like having a sh*tty job, and complaining about it but doing nothing to change the situation.

Sometimes, questions are a more powerful way to lead someone to see their situation in a different light:
  • How would you want it to be different?
  • What would you need to do to make things like that?
  • When do you want to do that?
Also, kids complicate the situation. That said, there are always options.
 

404profound

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Unfortunately some lessons have to be learned with severe consequences. You can't internalize that on yourself. Life is hard enough. It's one thing to have empathy for someone (your dad, whoever), it's another to make their personal problems your problems.
 

Lex DeVille

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he denies reality
You mean he denies your perception of reality. Until you enter his reality you won't ever stand a chance at bringing him into yours. The world almost certainly looks very different through his eyes than it does through your own.
 
OP
OP
Brian Suh

Brian Suh

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You mean he denies your perception of reality. Until you enter his reality you won't ever stand a chance at bringing him into yours. The world almost certainly looks very different through his eyes than it does through your own.
Agreed but actions never lie, words do. Take this scenario. A boy says he loves his girlfriend but lies to her and ditches her to hang with his buds all the time. She breaks up with him and tells him why and he comes back saying he will never do it again and he only did that because he thought it wasn’t a big deal to her. In HIS mind he is correct and rightfully so, but in the end his actions are incongruent to what he says. Hey
 

The Abundant Man

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he only did that because he thought it wasn’t a big deal to her. In HIS mind he is correct and rightfully so, but in the end his actions are incongruent to what he says.


Find a better boyfriend.
 

Lex DeVille

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Agreed but actions never lie, words do. Take this scenario. A boy says he loves his girlfriend but lies to her and ditches her to hang with his buds all the time. She breaks up with him and tells him why and he comes back saying he will never do it again and he only did that because he thought it wasn’t a big deal to her. In HIS mind he is correct and rightfully so, but in the end his actions are incongruent to what he says. Hey
Incongruent and incorrect aren't the same thing. In any case your analysis of the situation is based on your beliefs about how things ought to be. For instance it seems like you disagree with the idea that healthy couples can sleep in seperate beds, but this is a normal occurrence in many healthy relationships.

To answer your original question, you don't need to tell your dad anything. The situation your dad is in is his by choice and it is therefore his problem to deal with or not if he even finds he has a problem. To me it seems your father does not feel he has a problem. If he did he would likely listen more closely to you depending on how you approach him.

It seems only you have a problem which is you don't agree with your father's choices. But your problem doesn't make it his problem, so the only person who really has a problem here is you and the only one you have any control over is you. So what are you going to do to resolve your problem?

This is problem ownership.

Even though your problem is not your father's, you will still need to see the world through his eyes before you can get him to listen to anything you have to say on the matter.
 

Mattie

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How do I tell my dad this? My step mom married him because of his money and no one else wanted her. I can see why when she came into my house. She was unmarried at 42 which should be a warning sign in and of itself. Then they dont even sleep in the same bed, they sleep in two seperate beds and tell me a lot of couples do this lol. She then proceeds to have two kids with him even though they fight all the time. He is getting used and it hurts me to see him destroyed. He isnt the same anymore. I tried telling him this before but he denies reality and tries to cover it up with some fluff about how its okay. Is the old adage true, teach a pig to fly and he will get mad, the pig likes the dirt.
Your Dad probably already knows. Fortunately, as you stated he had two children with her, which if he divorces her, she gets a lot child support from him and what then, he gets his bank account drained because she'll suck him dry with lawyers.

I'm sure if he's meant to get divorced, usually it happens by itself. You really don't need to help. Just focus on yourself and goals in life. You can't fix your dad, save him, or mend his broken heart. He has to be responsible for his own life, choices, and the relationships he creates.
 

Ninjakid

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My step mom married him because of his money and no one else wanted her.
Ever thought that he's totally aware of this, and more or less okay with it?

Not everyone believes in marrying for love. Not everyone believes in happily ever after fairy tale romance.

I do though, and that's why I'm gonna die alone. I'm perfectly fine with that though.

You dad probably doesn't want to though, and that's why he's married.

Now focus on yourself. It's not your job to stress over everyone else's problems. Be the best you that you can be, and it will inspire others.

Kobe Bryant made my day today. He has no idea I exist, but his work ethic inspires the hell out of me. And he's just being him.
 

MB2

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Damage is done. Forget about it.
 

Raoul Duke

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How do I tell my dad this? My step mom married him because of his money and no one else wanted her. I can see why when she came into my house. She was unmarried at 42 which should be a warning sign in and of itself. Then they dont even sleep in the same bed, they sleep in two seperate beds and tell me a lot of couples do this lol. She then proceeds to have two kids with him even though they fight all the time. He is getting used and it hurts me to see him destroyed. He isnt the same anymore. I tried telling him this before but he denies reality and tries to cover it up with some fluff about how its okay. Is the old adage true, teach a pig to fly and he will get mad, the pig likes the dirt.

 
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Jeff Noel

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She was unmarried at 42 which should be a warning sign in and of itself
Oh boy. I don't know where you're coming from, but you'll have to open up your mind to different cultures. In North America, people don't even marry themselves as much as they used to. I don't see what's wrong with not being married at 42.

That's just a f*cked up statement.
 

100k

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Your dad is probably not a dumb old man, he knows what he is getting and he is ok with the price. Let the man live his life, he doesn't want to be alone.
 

Isaac Oh

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Seek first to understand and then to be understood. What about the relationship does your father cherish or regard highly?

Your step-mother isn't ruining" your father. In fact he's playing the larger role in affecting his life. Regardless of whether good or bad.

When people are looking for a solution, actively reaching out to you, any suggestions you make will be seen as welcome advice and taken openly. When people are not looking to change and someone gives them sincere advice, it can be taken offensively.

Trust your father's capability, treat him with complete respect and reverence (people become how you treat them) and if the relationship is truly bad he may come to grow out of it, be open to the possibility that you are not seeing everything.
 

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