My Brother - advice

[Lights]

My brother fail out of college, can't hold down a job, has a slight criminal record, and kind of a loser in a sense. He expects our parents to pay for his things, like dinners, rent. He has been kick out of my father's home, and now plans on moving with me. I also given him money countless of times in the past (over 3k in total he still owes me). The money is very tight at my place, but I don't see any ambition for him to get a job, and he kind of expects me to fill out his job applications. He's not really an entrepreneur, more of a talker but no action, so if I were to give him this book he probably won't even read it. He has a mentality of a 9th grader in all honesty (still talks about high school too). He's 20 years old.

My family wants him to continue with college, but in all honesty.... I can see the signs, he is not going to finish college. I honestly don't think he has the intelligence to finish it, since he can't even handle Intermediate Algebra after taking it countless of times. But I see no effort either. I don't know what to recommend him. He's not military material either, since he just quits on everything. 1. What should I suggest him to do with his life?

First, I want him to move in with me if he can help me with my business, since I can't be at my house all the time. I know his track record, so it won't surprise me if he screws things up either though. (my business is pretty simple; it's just making sure to measure things/check temperatures... things a grocery clerk could do) and maybe feed my dog when I'm gone.

But if he can't do that, then he's pretty much going to mooch off my electricity/water bill, and possibly ask money from me which I cannot do.

He has no where to turn though... I don't want to carry dead weight either, and take care of an adult man. I don't want him on the streets.

anyone dealt with this situation?

 

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[1PercentStreet]

(my business is pretty simple; it's just making sure to measure things/check temperatures... things a grocery clerk could do)

what if he smokes it all?

 

[Lights]

what if he smokes it all?

My business is in life-extension with a "fruit smoothie" mixture
I basically get the ingredients in bulk supply and mix them together myself

i made a thread about this a long time ago,
https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/idea-bucket-need-analysis/44090-diy-smoothie.html

 

[BogatiGad]

"What should I suggest him to do with his life?"

NOTHING

Tell us more about your business? This c60 is that some extract from olive or is it just oil?

 

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[Chris_Willow]

First, I want him to move in with me if he can help me with my business

That is a seriously bad idea...

Besides, if he doesn't want to change, nothing you say or do can help him.

 

[dknise]

Sounds like he needs to hit rock bottom for a reality check. Pull the floor out from under him, watch him drown for a little while. If he's ready to be saved from drowning, then help him.

Goodluck Lights!

 

[jjipkr]

He's still young. Remember that up until about the 1970s it was common for most young adults to stay at home until they were at least 25 years old. 21 was the age they got a house key (to their parents house). Young people face a lot of pressure these days to get a job but let's be honest the unemployment rate is high for that age. Listen..This Will Change Your Life - YouTube even this talks about adulthood starting at 25.

There are ways to get a very good education without going to college. He can do open university, or do a professional course from an association, which take 1-2 years but cost much less and are done totally online. They then allow direct entry to Masters degree. look up ICSA (accounting) and IDM (marketing), They are professional bodies, the entry criteria is zero but then their qualifications lead to Master degrees and/or high paying careers, and are cheaper than traditional college educations.

 

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[TK1]

1. Don't try to change people.

2. Beware of people that your instincts tell you could be bad for you. Bad people are like quicksand. Once they are drowning and you hand them your helping hand, most of the time you will go under with them.

3. Cut loose from people that you feel you should help/change/have a negative mindset/bitchers etc.
Add people that are ABOVE you into your life - people that make you listen and are where you would want to be.

4. Don't try to change people.

The 1 minute you waste on bad people is the same minute you miss out millions of wonderful people in the world that could make your life better instead F*ck you up

 

[GuestUser8117]

Perhaps he could be a carpenter. The pay is not bad. Or a real estate agent. Ask him to make a list of his interests. And then seek a field from there. Doesn't have to be a 3 year degree either. You can even do the research for him. Some people are like that, they lack discipline, so they need help.

 

[RBefort]

One of the better quotes I've heard, "You can lead a horse to the water, but you can't make him drink." Probably be more of a burden to take him in->kick him out later than to not have him in your home at all. Understand you wanting to be caring, but you shouldn't have to baby him. Let him learn his own lessons, I guess. I mean, you can only do so much before it ruins you financially/emotionally/mentally/physically yada yada.

 

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[KeonTheGreat]

IF you invite him in dont give him ANY MORE MONEY! Tell him that you wish you could but that money now has to go to the increased light/water/gas bills thanks to you letting him live there rent free. Now if he wishes to move out youll give him 50 bucks or something. Again, give him NO MONEY!!!! Options:stay and find a way to make money or leave and take 50 (or 100)bucks with him.

 

[rocksolid]

If you let him move in with you he will NEVER move out, and when you make him move out he will call you an A@# hole and never talk to you again. My brother is older and sounds just like yours. I gave him money a few times over and every time I made a suggestion about making his life better he would say " oh, I guess you know everything and I know nothing" When I stopped giving him money he decided he did not need me any more. I wish I had a better relationship with him but he really was taking me down a peg in my own life. My advice is to be very careful about how you go forward and be prepared for him to get angry and walk out of your life.

 

[Rawr]

It's laziness. And then backwards logic and entitlement that help him feel better about using others. (your parents, you)

And if you don't shine a light to it, he won't see it, because he can get away with not seeing it as long as he can find someone to help him.


What he needs to learn is - "Sorry, I don't help people that do not help themselves"

What also helps is showing him where the road leads - going to a dive bar and having him talk to a couple of people who are 20 years down the road. Or friends of family who are older and living in crappy apartments. Paint him a picture that he can see himself from a side, not from "me" but from "so there is this guy, who is lazy and a drop out and he..."

You need to make it clear - without action there will never, ever, be a reaction. He won't be discovered overnight, or come up with a great idea and in a week pay off his bills. Good things take time. It's a process, not an event.

All requests can be met with "I need to see effort from you before I invest more of my time and resources"

Do not enable it. It will hurt everyone including him down the line. A bird either needs to fly, or fall. This is the best country in the world for helping falling birds recover as well.

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

The best advice you can do is to be a GOOD EXAMPLE for him to follow, albeit, from afar.

Additionally, I would NOT let him move in - he will never move out and you will become an instant babysitter and childcare provider.

 

[hellokitty]

He needs to get his life together. It sounds to me that he has always had someone to rely on to fix his mistakes, which over passes emotional support. Your brother is 20 years old - a grown man that can take care of himself if he truly wanted to. He could easily get a job anywhere, but he simply does not feel the need to support himself. I understand that you are trying to be a good brother, which is great, but being a good brother also implies letting him fall so that he can learn to pick himself up. Best luck!

 

[mentalic]

I never understood why is someone giving money to someone that is always wasting them and never tries to improve himself. It is disrespect from your brother's side to you, your familty and your time. And yes, it is called laziness. And guess what happens if you continue to feed a lazy person? He remains lazy!

 

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[stephanduq]

And now from an entirely different point of view. Because in all honesty, although I agree with everyone here, there is always more going on. And someone should step in for the brother.

If someone gets treated as a loser, and important people around him make assumptions and constantly confirm the loser identity, they are not going to try and change that. People around you act as mirrors, and you believe what the mirror reflects.

"but I don't see any ambition for him to get a job, and he kind of expects me to fill out his job applications. He's not really an entrepreneur, more of a talker but no action, so if I were to give him this book he probably won't even read it." This is a dead give-away that he is not going to change, because you are already reflecting to him that he can't. You won't even give him a book that could change how he does things, because you are thinking he is such a loser. And by doing that, you are keeping him in his loser-box. What you are doing here is creating a life-long mental scar that he might not recover from.

if you take him in as a loser, he is going to stay a loser. If you take him in as a brother, and every day show him what great hidden talents he has and how much you appreciate those, you might turn out surprised.

 

[dknise]

If someone gets treated as a loser, and important people around him make assumptions and constantly confirm the loser identity, they are not going to try and change that. People around you act as mirrors, and you believe what the mirror reflects.

I've gotta completely agree with that.

I've said it a few times on this forum, but when I went back to speak to high school seniors at my old school who weren't attending college, the common thread was they've been convinced they are worthless. They not only were told this by their peers, their school, and all of society, but they internally believed it as well, which was the most damning to them.

 

[Rawr]

I've gotta completely agree with that.

I've said it a few times on this forum, but when I went back to speak to high school seniors at my old school who weren't attending college, the common thread was they've been convinced they are worthless. They not only were told this by their peers, their school, and all of society, but they internally believed it as well, which was the most damning to them.

I agree, but I believe there is middle ground. Kind of like going from not saying anything and letting it slide, to calling them out, asking/daring them to step up...and if there is no effort, what can you do? It sucks but people treat you for what they see you do, not for "your potential" . The best part, and the key part to always remember, is as soon as the person makes an effort, improves even a bit, THE REACTION CHANGES, it gets better!!

 

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[stephanduq]

I agree, but I believe there is middle ground. Kind of like going from not saying anything and letting it slide, to calling them out, asking/daring them to step up...and if there is no effort, what can you do? It sucks but people treat you for what they see you do, not for "your potential" . The best part, and the key part to always remember, is as soon as the person makes an effort, improves even a bit, THE REACTION CHANGES, it gets better!!

This is true, in the end this is a nurture vs nature debate after all. And case by case the influence of the social environment differs, and so does the responsibility of the people involved. But especially when it comes to family members who tend to train themselves into habits towards each other, it is not a bad move to take a few steps back and re-asses a problematic family member from an objective stance.

I have dealt with a lot of lazy people in my life, myself included. And it almost always comes from insecurity and uncertainty in their own capabilities or how their direct environment treats them. I have never met someone who was lazy or unwilling to learn because it was in their nature. And I teach! So I run across a lot of lazy behavior

 

[Swinny]

What should I suggest him to do with his life?

I don't think having him move in would help although I can understand how you would feel that might work.

Sounds to me that he needs a change of pace/location/focus - would he consider working overseas, maybe Voluntary work? Or see if you can get him a ticket to travel and encourage him to go and see how the rest of the World live.

At least if he realises that there are plenty of other people out there who can barely make ends meet it might be a wake up call. He could travel and pay his own way doing small jobs and at the same time meet some new people.

Anyway, thanks for sharing this and hope it works out for him.