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HOT TOPIC Managing Sucessful Relationships

Olimac21

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I was wondering how do you manage key relationships in your life? (i.e friends, girlfriends/boyfriends, family)

I tend to be more to the "giver" in a relationship however that puts me on a needy side of things and I absolutely hate that. Lately I decided not to give attention to relationships that are not reciprocal but I am afraid this will lead me to a lonely place sooner or later.

Have read books like "how to win friends and influence people", "give and take" and "never eat alone" and the big problem is these books put you in the good listener/add value kind of person, but does not deal directly on how to decide when to drop out a relationship,explain your needs, etc.
 

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Joaquim

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These days being a giver is easily perceived as somebody who is 'weak'.

There is nothing wrong with being the giver, but you also have to dare asking questions from time to time. When your friends do not try hard enough to help, drop the relation.

I read the books you're talking about and can highly recommend this book and hope you will read it and I really want to hear your experience with it:

The Way of the Superior Man - David Deida

( Everyone should read it )
 

Pakshaheen

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1.When you give never have any expectation that you will receive anything in return.Because when you give with a goal of getting something in return,then you will be not sincere in your dealings.

And people can sense that.

2.Giving without any expectation will decrease your anxiety and feeling of being let down by friends and family.You will feel freedom.

3.And when you have to deny someone request of favor or help,they will respect your decision.Because they know you are sincere in your dealings.That there is a valid reason for your rejection.

4.And read "No More MR.Nice Guy".
 
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Olimac21

Olimac21

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These days being a giver is easily perceived as somebody who is 'weak'.

There is nothing wrong with being the giver, but you also have to dare asking questions from time to time. When your friends do not try hard enough to help, drop the relation.

I read the books you're talking about and can highly recommend this book and hope you will read it and I really want to hear your experience with it:

The Way of the Superior Man - David Deida

( Everyone should read it )
I think that is key to ask question from time to time and explain what you want from the friendship/relationship.

Thank you for the recommendation! I read the book many years ago and thought about reading it again, it greatle helped on becoming more action oriented and dominant. Might re read it now to refresh some of the ideas what were your biggest takeaways?
 
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Olimac21

Olimac21

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1.When you give never have any expectation that you will receive anything in return.Because when you give with a goal of getting something in return,then you will be not sincere in your dealings.

And people can sense that.

2.Giving without any expectation will decrease your anxiety and feeling of being let down by friends and family.You will feel freedom.

3.And when you have to deny someone request of favor or help,they will respect your decision.Because they know you are sincere in your dealings.That there is a valid reason for your rejection.

4.And read "No More MR.Nice Guy".
Those are great points sometimes consciously I might believe: I am giving without anything in return but in reality or on an emotional level I do believe I want something is hard to explain, depending on the relationship. In general I am very happy to help even if I know I will not get anything in return because it feels good, is just some relationships I feel I have to be the one keeping in touch, suggesting ideas, remembering birthdays and that takes a lot of energy away.

I have read No more Mr Nice guy also 2 years ago and was very helpful, I totally changed my relationship with women because of that and could understand better why so many people struggle.

Have you sometimes felt is not about you but your environment? Hanging with the wrong type of people?
 
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Olimac21

Olimac21

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Learn to love yourself first then give/take all other things in moderation.
I do believe I love myself and that allows me to give without looking into "what is it for me" many times, is just would like to have more reciprocal relationships with others.
 

Pakshaheen

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Those are great points sometimes consciously I might believe: I am giving without anything in return but in reality or on an emotional level I do believe I want something is hard to explain, depending on the relationship. In general I am very happy to help even if I know I will not get anything in return because it feels good, is just some relationships I feel I have to be the one keeping in touch, suggesting ideas, remembering birthdays and that takes a lot of energy away.

I have read No more Mr Nice guy also 2 years ago and was very helpful, I totally changed my relationship with women because of that and could understand better why so many people struggle.

Have you sometimes felt is not about you but your environment? Hanging with the wrong type of people?

Yes sometimes it is the environment.

I attended a 2 year college.With my college friends ,I always felt lonely,left out and like they sucked my energy.

After 2 years I started a new college.So, I got a new clean slate.

I decided to change myself and my relationships with friends. And that I will not anyone feel as I felt for the past 2 years.
This mentality took my friendship to a level I thought was not possible.My new friends are the best in the world.They respect me,look towards me for guidance and advice,help me in any manner possible.

They have done and doing so much for me,that other people are surprised that such a friendship exists today.


I am also the one that keeps touch with everyone,plan a get together and etc.

But by being the action taker I have become the center of a network.That is connected to everyone in the group.And if any friend needs help or favor from other friend then they will first contact me, and I will decide how to approach the other friend for the favor or help.

Being the action taker makes you the leader of the group.As a result your friends will respect you and listen to you.

Yes, environment does matter.And you have the power to change the environment and your relationship.
 

Kennypaul

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I was wondering how do you manage key relationships in your life? (i.e friends, girlfriends/boyfriends, family)

I tend to be more to the "giver" in a relationship however that puts me on a needy side of things and I absolutely hate that. Lately I decided not to give attention to relationships that are not reciprocal but I am afraid this will lead me to a lonely place sooner or later.

Have read books like "how to win friends and influence people", "give and take" and "never eat alone" and the big problem is these books put you in the good listener/add value kind of person, but does not deal directly on how to decide when to drop out a relationship,explain your needs, etc.
I recommend reading the book called "The subtle art of not giving a f*ck" by Mark Manson.It will totally address what you are saying.The title of the book might seem a bit controversial but it's one of my favorite "self development" and relationship(sort of) books.It will totally help you.Just give it a try.
 

Cashflow Queen

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Have read books like "how to win friends and influence people", "give and take" and "never eat alone" and the big problem is these books put you in the good listener/add value kind of person, but does not deal directly on how to decide when to drop out a relationship,explain your needs, etc.
It sounds weird but the book “the life-changing magic of tidying up” really helped me with this. The book is about throwing away all junk in your house that “does not spark joy” when you hold it. It applies to people too.

I’m going through a major transition of “toning down/dumping” a dozen of relationships with my childhood friends who are not good people, toxic, and users, including a best friend of 16 years for whom I’m serving as a bridesmaid next weekend. I only wished I had done all this before. It took becoming an entrepreneur to see how toxic and hurtful everyone was to me and my dreams.

Jim Rohn also has good advice about this in many of his books, basically how you are an average of your 5 closest relationships... and you should evaluate with whom you want to spend more time with/ spend less time with/ maintain as you are.
 

Kak

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A very smart person once told me this:

"Men need respect (in every sense of the word) above most else. Women need security (in every sense of the word) above most else.

Men have the bigger job here. They are tasked with the security of their wife/gf and being worthy of respect."

Also... if you are a man, stay the hell away from feminists.
 

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racyred09

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I think if a relationship is healthy, you giving will inspire the other person to give just as much! If you stop hanging out with people where that isn't the case I am certain you will find others where it is give-give. Don't hang out with people who drain your energy.

On a personal note, I have had friendships where it felt one-way...one in particular that I'm thinking of, it was an old friend and it became where I was the one always doing the inviting over for dinner, giving gifts, lending things that never got returned, and this person would talk about herself the whole time without even asking about anything happening in my life. I stopped bothering with that relationship when it became that way and felt like a weight was lifted, and it just so happened that a few new friends came into my life where it's very much reciprocal and I feel energized after spending time with those people.

As for your fears about it becoming lonely, never act out of fear :) The right people will find their way into your life when you act in your own best interest.
 

Joaquim

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I think that is key to ask question from time to time and explain what you want from the friendship/relationship.

Thank you for the recommendation! I read the book many years ago and thought about reading it again, it greatle helped on becoming more action oriented and dominant. Might re read it now to refresh some of the ideas what were your biggest takeaways?
Hey @Olimac21

Thanks to the book I learned how to have your boundaries known to the people close to you.
That it's not possible to change people deep down, but to accept it or leave.
That you need to take the decision for the two of you, but consider her opinion.
That you never should try to please people, when that would be against your own feeling and principles.

I remember myself at the 'milk-story' from time to time!

And there is actually a lot more, I should probably also read it again :)
 

Silver Silk

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These days being a giver is easily perceived as somebody who is 'weak'.

There is nothing wrong with being the giver, but you also have to dare asking questions from time to time. When your friends do not try hard enough to help, drop the relation.

I read the books you're talking about and can highly recommend this book and hope you will read it and I really want to hear your experience with it:

The Way of the Superior Man - David Deida

( Everyone should read it )
Sounds like my kind of book! Ill have to give this one a read! So many books, so much to do, so little time aha
 
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Olimac21

Olimac21

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I recommend reading the book called "The subtle art of not giving a f*ck" by Mark Manson.It will totally address what you are saying.The title of the book might seem a bit controversial but it's one of my favorite "self development" and relationship(sort of) books.It will totally help you.Just give it a try.
Thank you! Have been in my list for a long time and I am a big fan of Mark Manson blog posts.
 
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Olimac21

Olimac21

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It sounds weird but the book “the life-changing magic of tidying up” really helped me with this. The book is about throwing away all junk in your house that “does not spark joy” when you hold it. It applies to people too.

I’m going through a major transition of “toning down/dumping” a dozen of relationships with my childhood friends who are not good people, toxic, and users, including a best friend of 16 years for whom I’m serving as a bridesmaid next weekend. I only wished I had done all this before. It took becoming an entrepreneur to see how toxic and hurtful everyone was to me and my dreams.

Jim Rohn also has good advice about this in many of his books, basically how you are an average of your 5 closest relationships... and you should evaluate with whom you want to spend more time with/ spend less time with/ maintain as you are.
I am familiar with minimalism, havent read the life changing magic of tyding up but I know the core idea of it and I believe is one of the reasons now I am looking into myself and environment with less noise/directly.

In terms of minimalism or decluttering, how do you "edit" your life? I usually use Sundays to give stuff away and change goals/motivations, it works well for me and it does not make it a routinary act compared to doing it everyday.
 
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Olimac21

Olimac21

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A very smart person once told me this:

Men need respect (in every sense of the word) above most else.

Women need security (in every sense of the word) above most else.

Men have the bigger job here. They are tasked with the security of their wife/gf and being worthy of respect.

Also... if you are a man, stay the hell away from feminists.
That's an interesting perspective, I remember hearing that the loss of masculinity in the west has been a huge problem both for woman and man.
 
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Cashflow Queen

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Also... if you are a man, stay the hell away from feminists.
These days the word “feminist” defines a very broad range... it could be just anyone who believes in women getting equal pay and treatment in the workplace. So yeah, if you want a trophy wife, stay away from feminists. If you want a high earning woman who can spoil a man, date a feminist.
 

Cashflow Queen

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In terms of minimalism or decluttering, how do you "edit" your life? I usually use Sundays to give stuff away and change goals/motivations, it works well for me and it does not make it a routinary act compared to doing it everyday.
Yeah every Sunday night I briefly write in a gratitude journal that sums up my week, and I set goals for relationships, self growth, and career.
 

Kak

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These days the word “feminist” defines a very broad range... it could be just anyone who believes in women getting equal pay and treatment in the workplace. So yeah, if you want a trophy wife, stay away from feminists. If you want a high earning woman who can spoil a man, date a feminist.
“These days” the word feminist is more radical than ever. I’m not disagreeing with suffragettes here. I’m disagreeing with the man hating, lesbianic, reverse (it shouldn’t even have to be called reverse) sexism running rampant in western society.

Women already have equal pay, in fact they are desired over men in the same position. The so called “pay gap” that people like to throw around is averaging full time employed men vs women, NOT taking into account career choice.

There is a LOT of gray area in between trophy wife and feminist. I’ll say it again to the men in this thread. Don’t date feminists or any woman who calls themselves one.
 
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Kak

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That's an interesting perspective, I remember hearing that the loss of masculinity in the west has been a huge problem both for woman and man.
Huge problem. In my opinion is a big reason for shitty kids these days. They need strong and present fathers.
 

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racyred09

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“These days” the word feminist is more radical than ever. I’m not disagreeing with suffragettes here. I’m disagreeing with the man hating, lesbianic, reverse (it shouldn’t even have to be called reverse) sexism running rampant in society.

Women already have equal pay, in fact they are desired over men in the same position. The so called “pay gap” that people like to throw around is averaging full time employed men vs women, NOT taking into account career choice.

There is a LOT in between trophy wife and feminist. I’ll say it again to the men in this thread. Don’t date feminists or any woman who calls themselves one.
I've responded to similar ridiculous posts in other threads so I'm not really going to waste energy on this, beyond saying that your views are hugely disrespectful to the women in this forum. (A message from a very happily-married feminist ;) )
 

Kak

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I've responded to similar ridiculous posts in other threads so I'm not really going to waste energy on this, beyond saying that your views are hugely disrespectful to the women in this forum. (A message from a very happily-married feminist ;) )
Care to share why holding a viewpoint that is different than yours is being disrespectful and ridiculous?

Funny your taking the bait proves my point.
 
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Kak

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You wanting to "bait" people says a lot about you, as well.
The fact that I DARE disagree with feminism drives you into a state of complete frustration absolutely proves my point.

How about you tell me why my post is ridiculous? Can you? Can you debate with facts or just emotion?
 

racyred09

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The fact that I DARE disagree with feminism drives you into a state of complete frustration absolutely proves my point.

How about you tell me why my post is ridiculous? Can you? Can you debate with facts or just emotion?
Using terms like "lesbianic" to disparage an entire group of people is not only ridiculous but hateful toward people who happen to have a different viewpoint. It's funny how someone saying things like, "I’m disagreeing with the man hating, lesbianic, reverse (it shouldn’t even have to be called reverse) sexism running rampant in society" implies that my comment is the "emotional" one. o_O
 

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So yeah, if you want a trophy wife, stay away from feminists. If you want a high earning woman who can spoil a man, date a feminist.
I personally don't want to marry a high earning woman or a "trophy wife". I'd rather just date a traditional stay at home mom type that takes care of the kids while I work on my business.

Just personal preference.

Been there done that with dating feminist women. Never again.
 
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Kak

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Using terms like "lesbianic" to disparage an entire group of people is not only ridiculous but hateful toward people who happen to have a different viewpoint. It's funny how someone saying things like, "I’m disagreeing with the man hating, lesbianic, reverse (it shouldn’t even have to be called reverse) sexism running rampant in society" implies that my comment is the "emotional" one. o_O
You’re the one attaching a negative connotation to the word lesbianic. Are you homophobic?

Ok... So I made the claim that men shouldn't date feminists. I understand I can be wrong about things from time to time. So why am I wrong?
 
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racyred09

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You’re the one attaching a negative connotation to the word lesbianic. Are you homophobic?

Ok... So I made the claim that men shouldn't date feminists. I understand I can be wrong about things from time to time. So why am I wrong?
Oh, so you meant it as a compliment? Don't play dumb; your use of the term was rude toward multiple groups.

You're welcome to date whoever you like and I could not care less about how you narrow down your dating pool. The point is that this is not the first thread on here where someone (or multiple someones) decides they're an expert on feminism and uses the term as a slur. Imagine if I posted, "don't date Muslim [or insert any other shared ideology] men, they're all the same, a bunch of x, y, and z's".

Feminists believe in equality between the sexes, and that's it. Different people have different interpretations of what that means and some people make it a bigger part of their identities than others, but I'm not really sure why anyone sees that as a threat.
 

Kak

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Oh, so you meant it as a compliment? Don't play dumb; your use of the term was rude toward multiple groups.

You're welcome to date whoever you like and I could not care less about how you narrow down your dating pool. The point is that this is not the first thread on here where someone (or multiple someones) decides they're an expert on feminism and uses the term as a slur. Imagine if I posted, "don't date Muslim [or insert any other shared ideology] men, they're all the same, a bunch of x, y, and z's".

Feminists believe in equality between the sexes, and that's it. Different people have different interpretations of what that means and some people make it a bigger part of their identities than others, but I'm not really sure why anyone sees that as a threat.
So you are making the argument that feminists only believe in EQUALITY between the sexes... Then please, for everyone on this forum please answer these next 2-3 questions.

If feminism is about equality between BOTH sexes why is it called FEMINISM?

What is unequal between men and women in the USA?

If nothing... Then why do we need self proclaimed feminists to fight for it?
 

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