Loving people

[GoldRider]

I don't know why is it but I don't feel like I love people. I wasn't much social in my childhood and teens and still the same. The reason? When I was a kid my father forbade me to go outside and made me focus completely on my studies. As a result I didn't have much friends and still don't. I don't have any mental problem. But it has become my comfort zone and my unfortunate behaviour. The place I live in is very isolated which further fuels this behaviour. The city is far from where I live.I have to ride a bus(but I will do that just to make new friends)I don't know where to go to meet people. It's on my mind that if i go outside who will I meet. I feel selfish and isolated from the life. I see people having fun and think to myself, why can't I be happy like them. I really want to love people. How do I make place for people in my heart when it's all worldly business. What do I do to get out of this damn bubble. I want friends who are real friends not just people I know. Help me with this.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Guest3722A]

Maybe check out meetup.com and find people/groups with similar interests. Also, and this is different than what the fast lane forum promotes, but maybe consider getting a job in a restaurant with a fun atmosphere that has lots of different and fun people working there? Many of there folks have parties and things like that.

 

[Mr.Dietsch]

"Limits, like fears are often just an illusion." Michael Jordan

 

[socaldude]

How old are you? Late teens, early twenties? older?

Here is the good news you are totally ignoring. you are telling me you dont like people yet you are telling me you feel lonely and socially inadequate? doesnt that mean you actually DO love people? because if you indeed hated people you would be very happy being lonely.

the fastest way to get out of this hole is to understand that you are NOT being yourself. you were born with high self esteem and social confidence. the problem is that during your early childhood All the way to your adulthood you are SOCIALIZED AND BRAINWASHED by parents, teachers, other people of authority in our lives telling us what we are and what we are not. telling us how to behave and how not to. this benefits THEM but NOT you.

i used to be very shy and lonely. i remember when i was a kid i burst into a room laughing and screaming and my dad yelled: " hey shut up! whats wrong with you!?" this made me feel like there was something seriously wrong with me when there wasn't. I also remember when my teachers used to yell "hey! no talking!" or "are you stupid or something?!" .

a lot of us dont realize just HOW MUCH these people influence our identity. it has a devastating effect on our personality and social behavior and self esteem.

remember you were born with social skills and social confidence dont let all the bull shit that has happened to you in your life affect you.

observe any kid and you will see how sociable and happy they are.

you need to break out of this rut because its a self feeding death cycle that goes on forever. challenge yourself, go flirt with that hot girl at the coffee shop you see all the time, challenge your beliefs about who you are and what you are capable of. the only way to get out of this is to challenge it, go join a club. go say hi to someone you find interesting, people love it when you are interested in them just like you love it when other people are interested in you. dont wait another day or week , start today there will be no tomorrow. good luck

people who are shy and lonely tend to think that if they let their "true selves" be known to others, they will be "found out" at just how psychologically disfigured they are and hence be rejected. the key is to let your guard down , open up and smile and be yourself.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[theDarkness]

It's a process. You look at those people and you being are event-minded. It's no difference than the people who go, "Oh why can't I be rich like that." You don't go to bed one day isolated and unsocial and then wake up the next day gregarious with many meaningful friendships. There will be a whole lot of in-between days where the awkward, scared, and isolated you goes out there and stumbles around nervously trying to engage with people. You have to press on through those days.

Identify the next step of the process and do it. Do it within discrete time-frames. Don't waste your time with event thinking--"Oh man, why can't I have so many friends like that guy. Why did I never talk to that person?" You're either pushing against your comfort zone and awkwardly trying to engage with somebody, or you aren't. Push yourself into that zone of discomfort often, and then rest and reward yourself before doing it once again.

This is from someone who has always struggled with social anxiety, and who takes meds for it. So, I know how it goes.

1. Identify the kinds of people you feel a kinship with, the people you want to know

2. Figure out where the congregate/what social circles they run in

3. Pick one or two discrete activities that would bring you "in the mix" with these people, put you in contact with them. Engage in those activities.

4. Eventually say Hi to one of them. Take an interest in them, listen to what they say, and try to have fun.

5. etc., just keep putting yourself out there and being friendly. You'll find some people you have fun with eventually. You might have to go through a lot of awkwardness or even rejection. Press on.

Think of it as a marketing thing if you have to . . . do whatever you have to to put your offer (friendship) in front of a receptive audience (like-minded people, or people you would get on well with at any rate).


It also may help to consider that people have varying needs for social engagement. I used to put myself under a lot of stress because I wanted to have a "normal" level of social engagement. But really, I didn't want that much of it. And there were certain kinds of social engagement that I wanted a lot more than other kinds. I don't really like parties, but I love long intimate hangouts, like shooting the shit with a buddy in the pub for hours. So you know? I just started doing more of the stuff I valued and less of the stuff that I felt like I "needed" to do. And I was a lot happier, and I've made a lot of great friends.

 

[awkwardgenius]

Fake it till you make it. Even if you don't have those feelings right now, if you go out and act as one who loves people, you will start to appreciate the value that such an attitude holds. You will see the reciprocation and the results of loving people, and you will eventually start to genuinely love them.

 

[EastWind]

Do you love yourself?

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[JayKim]

You might not love people you dont know, just the ones closest to you? Thats normal, good article on it:
What is the Monkeysphere? | Cracked.com

Anyone live near by on the forum? Check other sites like topherea mentioned also check out http://www.similarsitesearch.com/alternatives-to/meetup.com.

Your dad could have had a lot to do with it but you could also just be naturally introverted? Which is nothing wrong with that. Reminds me of this thread. https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/relationships/40749-social-skills.html

 

[GoldRider]

I will be 24 next month.

TheDarkness: Man why do you take pills for this. I believe right action is the best pill.

EastWind. Good question. How do I find out if I love myself or not?

SocialDude: I feel like I can pretty much relate to you.

Jaykim I don't care which vert I am. I just want to have what I want. My issue currently is to find a place to hangout,to make new friends. I will start looking for that place.

 

[CEBenz]

Try bartending for a while. It'll probably bring you out of your shell. God knows I went from introvert to obnoxious. Lol

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[andviv]

Where do you live? What city is closest?

I think this question: What activities do you like to do? is very important. It helps you find others with similar interests and this makes having conversations easier.

Also, you said this:

I see people having fun and think to myself, why can't I be happy like them.

Well, reality is, most people are not happy most of the time.

One of the issues with the Facebook generation is that people mostly post stuff about having great times, but you don't know what they really go through every day.

What would an ideal scenario for you be in regards to loving people? What would be 'having fun' for you?

 

[GoldRider]

I live in Bahrain. I live far from the capital. It means I have to take a 20 minutes or more bus ride to the city. But I would go if I knew where to go and what to do.

An ideal scenario for me would be to be surrounded by people who I love and they love me. Sounds kinda dreamy. Having fun would be to do whatever the F*ck I want to do and give no shit about that

I am thinking of joining some sports class gym or yoga. Btw let me ask you a question. I speak to you as a friend,not a site member.I plan to go to a gym but I don't know what the F*ck will I do there. I mean how does it goes in the gym? I have a plan to bulk up. But thinking if I go to the gym and need help for some exercises who should I be asking for?

Sorry I know it goes off-topic but I am trying to reach something here. Thanks for being here.

 

[andviv]

I live in Bahrain. I live far from the capital. It means I have to take a 20 minutes or more bus ride to the city. But I would go if I knew where to go and what to do.

An ideal scenario for me would be to be surrounded by people who I love and they love me. Sounds kinda dreamy. Having fun would be to do whatever the F*ck I want to do and give no shit about that

I am thinking of joining some sports class gym or yoga. Btw let me ask you a question. I speak to you as a friend,not a site member.I plan to go to a gym but I don't know what the F*ck will I do there. I mean how does it goes in the gym? I have a plan to bulk up. But thinking if I go to the gym and need help for some exercises who should I be asking for?

People you love and that loves you does not mean anything concrete. You could stay home with your parents and that probably meets your requirement. No?

Doing whatever the F*ck you want is useless too. What the F*ck do you want to do????
Watch movies?
Play chess?
Play video games?
Scratch your belly?

Be more concrete so you can actually start with something concrete.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Brander]

people who are shy and lonely tend to think that if they let their "true selves" be known to others, they will be "found out" at just how psychologically disfigured they are and hence be rejected. the key is to let your guard down , open up and smile and be yourself.

Exactly. They (we) censor our thoughts and speech. Just talk from what you feel. Will you say something stupid once in a while? Sure, but you'll get better as you get along. Just talk about whatever comes to mind...

 

[JasonR]

Well, reality is, most people are not happy most of the time.

You really think that's true?

 

[Sponge]

Hopefully this reply shows up! I been there also and I can say from experience its a headache sometimes but you just need to read more books on self help and try to challenge yourself. There are many books that give good advice on how to be more socially confident. One thing Ive learned in life is that having humor in your personality takes every trick in the book. Whenever you feel nervous or awkward try and keep a smurk and or smile. Thats when your most confident. Being to serious bring the devil out in us all. Gods humor and the Devil is Fear plain and simple. Just start to challenge your lower self, thats all it is. Fear has played a roll for so long you forget you have humor (joy) available at your disposal. Check out the book called Deliverance from the bondage of fear by bob buess. They only cure for are anxieties are a humorus attitude. I know its sounds simple and fear and anxiety may have a strong hold on you at the time but you just have to laugh and keep laughing till its gone. Thats just what I learned. Have a laugh next time you feel awkward or nervous and watch your outlook change!

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[InMotion]

I grew up in the woods lol. Closest friend was 5 miles away, I was a fat kid. Then I got ripped in high school, was a 4 year varsity sports player and got laid by hot chicks....a bunch. Make friends at school. Do something well and you will attract others. Pick up a sport or go to the gym. Getting in shape helps a ton with confidence and meeting people; so does getting laid by hot women. Best place to meet people for me was at school/university. If your not in school find some work colleges. Always some after work parties somewhere.

 

[socaldude]

I wanted to add that I didn't mean my post to come off as "hating" on parents and teachers and other people. These are some people we love and are grateful for. But my point was that the same way they can bring you up is the same way they can bring you down. Remember as a 10 year old kid depends on parents and teachers for survival. They just can't wake up one day and say "ehh screw this i'm leaving." They have no choice put to morph into certain behaviors and thought patterns.

Fake it till you make it.

I agree with this to some extent. But you still have to address all of these core beliefs you have regarding yourself and social situations. Its kinda like telling a severely depressed person: "just fake being happy" and then you will be happy. Not quite. That is very tough. I do agree though you have to "act as if" to get the ball going and get the "new you" morphing.

Do you love yourself?

My ultimate self esteem question is: If you could be any person on this earth who would it be? if the answer is not you then you are rejecting who you are at some level.

@GoldRider

Have you ever tried cognitive behavioral therapy? Because if you have not, you are missing out big time. Your number one goal to make any change in your life whether it is to become a better public speaker, more sociable and outgoing, more happy, you have to address this cognitive structure we all have: Thoughts, Beliefs, Behaviors and Feelings.

 

[GoldRider]

I will look into cbt. Is it like sedona? What can I expect from it?

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[socaldude]

I will look into cbt. Is it like sedona? What can I expect from it?

Here is a great free resource from a UK webiste on CBT: GET.gg Cognitive Behaviour Therapy Self-Help Resources

Its the most widely used psychotherapy to help people with anxiety, depression, and other behaviors. It takes a while to work because a lot of effort is required on your part. Change takes time just like it takes time to get obese or lose weight or form other life long habits of say social anxiety for example.

 

[andviv]

Well, reality is, most people are not happy most of the time.

You really think that's true?

Yes.

The 'norm' is to have a feeling of emptiness and thinking that there is something wrong with you and that you are missing something to be 'normal' and 'happy like the others'.

Try getting an appointment with a psychologist. They are always booked. Why? Cause lots of people think there is something wrong with them, and in many cases it is simply shyness and being afraid of rejection.

Unfortunately you don't get to see too many people really enjoying their lives and simply being content.

 

[andyredsox]

What happened to you in the past couldn’t stop you for doing what you want. The past is the past. Think of it in a positive way. Make a goal in your life, go out, and meet new people and new friends. Just be yourself. You really have to go out in your comfort zone, or else you stock there for life.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Rawr]

Yes.

The 'norm' is to have a feeling of emptiness and thinking that there is something wrong with you and that you are missing something to be 'normal' and 'happy like the others'.

Try getting an appointment with a psychologist. They are always booked. Why? Cause lots of people think there is something wrong with them, and in many cases it is simply shyness and being afraid of rejection.

Unfortunately you don't get to see too many people really enjoying their lives and simply being content.

Don't worry Andviv, I have just the thing to help you. For the 5 easy payments of only....

Those who have composed yourselves enough to be perceptive, see things as they are, and yet BE CONTENT, How did you do it? Hard work and achievement, yes?

 

[smarty]

I live in Bahrain. I live far from the capital. It means I have to take a 20 minutes or more bus ride to the city. But I would go if I knew where to go and what to do.

Actually it may be easier for you to go to the city, to any school, university, pub, club and just ask general questions, even for directions, just to create a short conversation with other people. You can even pretend you are a tourist, noone is gonna know you lol. People love helping others with suggestions

Then here are 2 videos that will F*cking make you go and jump out right this moment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyUVuAvs7bg
and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KC1hLhtk3KA

 

[Enki]

Then here are 2 videos that will F*cking make you go and jump out right this moment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyUVuAvs7bg
and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KC1hLhtk3KA

Nice vids.

I really need to capitalize on my PUA knowledge. I never ever had a problem with the ladies. When I went down to Miami I thought I would have to lower my standards. I quickly realized the Higher I set them the more success I had. Nothing like looking like Quasimodo and being surrounded by hot ladies.

The best way to get a strangers help is to first ask an opinion. People will always respond well when you ask them for their opinion. the only exception is when you ask an opinion that may be insulting or to controversial. You are artificially making someone feel valuable when you ask for their opinion.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[smarty]

Here is another golden tip that I have been applying for a while and it really frees you from people who are/were holding you back:

Go out in other nearby cities to practice your skills, to learn and grow by practice. No one will know you there, and you will be away and feel free from people and circumstances that were holding you back. Do that for a few times and you will come back as a full seduction package man

Here is the video - don't get distracted by the boobs, instead listen to his advice

 

[campbellronald7]

I think you come under the category of introvert people, in simple word you just need to be friendly with the people and talk whatever comes in your mind, do not copy anyone and the people who is alike you will automatically come to you and be your friends.
Remember one thing that two friend’s thinking need not to be the same they just know each other’s thinking very well.

 

[Rawr]

There is only one thing that seems to keep me sane during my recent quarter life bullshit crisis.


"Everyone has something interesting about them. You just have to dig to find it." Ask questions, find what excites this person, what they really enjoy. Then ask some more.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[smarty]

------------------------------------------------------
born

kinder garden

1st grade

8th grade - [social conditioning begins]

teenager - [stars to develop certain lifestyle habits]

student - [school, coffee, party, home]

gets a job - [daily repetitive routine, converted into a working sheep]

welcome to adulthood - [looking for "the one" & driven by scarcity, the fear of being alone]

gets engaged - [with the first or second one that gets in the way. family pressure is finally released ]

married - [finally happy. end of the movie?]

became parent - [more mouths to feed, you gotta work more. job becomes a burden]

kids growing up [realizes he/she made some mistakes in the past, so kids must be forced not to do the same. trying to control the kids]

finances are low, tensions going high. solution? - [watch TV or play Zynga Poker!]

lives in misery for many years, with no intention in life - [fakes a smile as he walks out of the door so other people think he's happy]

lost track of his life purpose - [thinks that's normal]

dies - [unfinished & with regrets]

---> lifestory of most people.

------------------------------------------------------

Do you want to be like that?

Life's like a movie, make it amazing.
Get back to when the social conditioning began and remember what you forgot...

One day everyone you know, will be gone, and at that time, their opinion about you won't matter anything.

Decide today to break free from Social Conditioning that you have cultivated since childhood, be friendly to all people and talk to them, or greet them.

By the way I was a lot like you and self-image (the way you see yourself) is all that it is here. You are funny inside, you love people and you know that. So be random and talk to people. Time is on your side when there is no reason that you are not enough!

 

[zenmike]

When I was a kid my father forbade me to go outside and made me focus completely on my studies. As a result I didn't have much friends and still don't. I don't have any mental problem. But it has become my comfort zone and my unfortunate behaviour.

It must have been really painful to grow up without friends and in such a restrictive environment. I had to deal with very similar feelings and found the key was to really work through that similar treatment really was an injury to me and to work through it not to blame my background or history, but to understand:

- What did I learn from that experience?
- What I would have liked to have learned as a result of being treated more justly?
- How to recognize, accept, and process the anger over the injury? (Not with the intent to blame, but with the intent to forgive.)
- What can I teach myself as an adult based on that background that I wasn't able to teach myself as a child.

I found that working through this process led to a more natural and comfortable ability to connect with others and engage in the healthy, nurturing, and loving relationships with those around me.

I know this can all sound very idealistic and pie-in-the-sky, but I was led to it out of necessity because my limiting personal beliefs and struggles with anxiety, depression, and poor self-image were hurting my professional success. Our businesses are a reflection of ourselves and I'm already seeing things turn around in areas I couldn't have imagined before.

CBT is good. IMO a little more technique oriented than root-cause oriented. For me a good psychotherapist was a better fit.

Best wishes to you and know that our purpose is to engage in fulfilling nurturing relationships with those around us. The more you can do that, the happier you will be.