Light vs. Dark -Thoughts On Controlling Emotions

[Supa]

One thing that I had to learn over the last months is the importance of being able to control your emotions.

I thought a while about writing this thread, because it's very hard for me to put this stuff into the right words. I'll try anyway, cause I think some of you can benefit from that.

"How Can You Be So Cold?"
Last week some shit happened (again) with my dad, that made my younger brother break down and cry and ask our family for advice on how to react, while we were at my mom for dinner. After a while my brother's GF and me hit the balcony for a cigarette (as usual) and kept talking about the topic. Our convo went something like:

Bro's GF: "this shit really F*cks him up.."
Me: "yeah I know, my dad knows how to give him a bad conscience for just everything, my dad F*cked it up and now he makes my brother feel responsible for him being alone and all that"
Bro's GF: "and he only does it to him, because he knows how your brother reacts to it."
Me: "yes, he tried to do it a few times, writing me some stuff.. but he knows that this shit doesn't work with me."
Bro's GF: "yeah because you can get cold if you want, but not in a bad way, you can handle all that better than him. I wish I could do that too, makes shit a lot easier sometimes"

This conversation made me think about something that I started doing after my mom broke up with my dad (after she discovered that he's addicted to gambling and lost his company and their (our) house because of it. The foreclosure of our house was 1.5 months away when my mom finally found out everything.)

At that point I started to get cold. At least I thought that I was getting cold. Man I was afraid that I turn into a Dexter. But I didn't really get cold, what I actually did was starting to control my emotions.

Of course I felt all those emotions that you feel in situations like this. But after about 30 minutes, I had a thought process going on in my head like this:

FEELING SAD 'I can't understand it...'
FEELING ANGRY 'how could he do that...'
FEELING WEAK 'what should I do? What's next? Will we overcome this?'
FEELING ANXIOUS 'do we find a new home? Can my mom recover from this?'
FEELING RESPONSIBLE 'I know my mom and my brother are doing bad after all this, we need to get over this shit..'
FEELING STRONGER 'F*ck this shit, we will get over all this.'
FEELING NEUTRAL (COLD) 'ok let's see, what needs to be done..'

From that moment on I didn't spend a tear until we got over it. Yes there were moments where I worried and felt the bad emotions again, but it didn't last too long. I automatically switched into the good emotions after a few minutes, to be able to get over this.

This happened in February 2014. If I look back at it I'm actually thankful now for all the things I learned because of it.

How my family is doing now?
I never saw my mom this happy in years. Really almost made me cry to see her smile after she found a flat to live in. My brother and me became really good friends, we moved into a flat together. This whole situation made us from far-from-friends to very good friends. I also found something like a good or almost best friend in my brother's GF since that. My dad is still struggling and probably still gambling, I hope that he will get over it sometime.

Control It, Not Remove It
Don't get me wrong, I don't wanna tell you to not be sad, angry or disappointed if something bad happens to you. Control your emotions doesn't mean to not feel any emotions. It just means being able to shift your emotions into good emotions, emotions that help you and others.

I had to learn to control my emotions to help my family to get over the situation we been in. But that was just the beginning. I was able to shift my emotions into emotions that help me to get my a$$ up and not get lost in my worries and sadness. I hope you can see the benefit of this ability for your journey to/on the Fastlane.

Imagine being able to overcome all the worries and doubts you got concerning your business. How you do that? Try to make your good emotions overweight your bad ones.

Light vs. Dark
It's the old game, Good vs. Bad, Day vs. Night, Light vs. Dark.

If your bad emotions overweight the good ones, it's easy to get lost in your unhappy emotions. Let's use a breakup for example. The easiest way to exit the sad feelings of your GF breaking up with you (for me) is to watch endless episodes of a great tv series like The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, etc. You dive into a different world and forget the shit that's going on in your real life, at least for the time you watch it. But what does this 'getting lost' do to your goals? Can you remember? The goals you had before she called you to tell you that it's over? Your goals of creating a Fastlane business? Your goals of creating value? Ah right, those goals. It's easy to get lost in bad emotions. But it's hard to get out there after weeks of returning to the standard life, after weeks of doing nothing but working your job and watching 5 episodes of GoT before going to bed every day. If you get lost in your bad emotions, you will probably stop creating the future you want to live in.

But what happens if you try to make your good emotions overweight your bad ones? Feeling worried about people maybe not liking the service or product you are working on? First thing to do is to accept that those emotions are normal. It's normal to worry about something that is important to you. But remember why you started working on this service/product, remember the need you saw when you decided to create this service or this product, the value that it creates for others. Be excited about the next step of creating your service/product that you will reach as soon as you are done with the step you are working on right now. Shift your emotions from worries and anxiety to euphory and excitement.

2 weeks ago my ex GF (been in a relationship for 3.5 years until last october) and me spoke on the phone and she told me that something terrible happened to her half a year ago. My first reaction were the usual emotions, feeling anger and sadness. I wanted to smack in the wall behind me. But after a few minutes I shifted my emotions into positive, supporting ones. I knew I could just watch a few episodes of Supernatural to escape all this shit for a few hours, and I actually thought about it for a minute. But then I switched on my laptop and continued working on my business. Why? I told myself that me feeling bad doesn't change what happened, it doesn't do anything good for anyone, not for me, not for her. You can't avoid those emotions, but with learning to be able to control them, to shift your emotions, you can prevent them from working against you. A few weeks ago my mom gave me her old phone for me to use as a business phone and I put all her photos on a usb drive before I reseted the phone. While copying the photos, I saw a photo of our old house in the preview. I clicked through the photos that my mom apparently made before she left it. It hit me like a slap in the face. I didn't see a photo of our old house in months. But the photos were not the thing that almost made me cry in that moment, it was the thought of my mom going through the empty house that she put everything in over the years; taking photos of every room to keep memories of it. This image in my head really fcked me up for a moment. It's not about removing those bad emotions, they will come through at some points and that's ok. As long as you won't let them win over your good emotions.

Use It To Help Others
Before I bring this post to an end, let me add something to think about:

If something bad happens to you or someone you know, think about the possibility of creating a service or a product that can help to prevent this stuff from happening to others. You just found a need, something that creates a lot value for others.

Disclaimer: I didn't use the stories above to arouse compassion, neither am I bragging or anything like this (about what?). It just is what it is. I did it because I think it makes it better to understand what I wanted to share with you. If you read until this point, thank you for reading. I hope I didn't turn you guys into cold hearted sociopaths with it, if so, I did a terrible job at writing out my thoughts. Hopefully this will help you to fight through some bad situations and bad emotions on your journey and keep yourself on the road.

 

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[TextbookAnswers]

Ok, I read it all.

Thank you for sharing.

 

[Mattie]

I agree shifting your emotions into positive ones are correct. Fortunately, in severe cases of addiction and alcoholism in families that isn't always enough. You're talking about co-dependent-addictive relationships which are lower conscious thinking. They're not aware of the cycle of negative thinking, negative emotions, anxiety, and fear-based thinking. The cycle never ends until they personally develop and step out of the emotional drama triangle. The poor me, victim mentality, and self-absorbed.

In my own situation: I had to remove myself from the people. And Now that I have I can see very clearly. I've been a life long learner most of my life, reading books on just about everything, was always trying to break free and be the path cutter. Fortunately the only thing that happens even when you do shift your emotions and moods, their way of thinking ends up pulling you down over and over again because you're unaware of what it is. I think it took me a year to wrap my head around the idea that someone that is a family member can be sabotaging you. Unbelievable when I was aware enough to recognize what the main problem was and who.

Love and forgiveness was always my way of dealing with it, and the whole martyr scenario. Take the pain and abuse because it's your family. It's what you're supposed to do. Fortunately, when push comes to shove addicts and alcoholics eat their own. It's a tough call when you have to make a move like I have, but you see how their habits, thinking patterns, and behaviors become destructive to yours.

Once I understood that, I knew to be successful, I had to bail. Not an easy choice, but even if you can switch your emotions and moods and meditate and be mentally tough, it wears on you day in an day out. You're constantly in that anxiety, fear, survival mode whether you want to be or not. They keep you there with their toxic thinking. They're always unpredictable. You never know what they're going to do next. They're moods change by the moment, and it's all out of emotions. In depression and ptsd they state children of addicts and alcoholics can be matched with a soldier in combat. Fortunately, this isn't good when you're living in an emotional and mental war long term. Lower conscious thinking is on auto-pilot. Emotions are out of control and a bad habit.

Fortunately, this is what you're talking about. Regulating your emotions and not reacting. Rather than responding. They're great people to practice that on, because it teaches you to discipline yourself to be mentally tough, regulate your emotions, get past your fears, and set your boundaries. Fortunately, when you get to where I am now, you become the black sheep. And of course they're mad because you rocked the boat and didn't stay being their victim.

This is two different worlds. I don't know how bad your family is with co-dependency and addiction, but I suppose I'm trying to help you understand, it's kind of like playing Russian roulette with your mind sometimes.

Emotional attachments are there of course because they're your family and you love them. At the same time you want to succeed. As an entrepreneur this calls for higher conscious thinking. It's a whole different ball game. This is the tough part about success having to make tough choices other people don't understand.

I'm not sure how your life will play out because everyone's family is different. Some families are workable, but others can sabotage your success more than others. It would be a wonderful world if everyone had a supportive family. It's not always the case.

Best case scenario: love your family from a distance if you need too. They're unaware of what they're doing. And naturally you know their programmed that way. You really can't change or fix them. And worrying about them, really is wasting your time and energy. Like you have grown and developed and found the answers, they have the same choice. While it may be upsetting, they're making the choice to be where they are. And I used to hate hearing people tell me that, but now standing on this side, I understand completely.

The pictures are an emotional attachment to her old life. The way she's grieving of course of losing what she had. Addictive families are always about losses and grieving. That negative emotion mixed with negative thinking brings the negative outcome. So, yes shifting your emotions and mood gets you into the positive groove. For you to be successful you have to be in that positive groove, and stay there no matter what happens to your family.

Family Roles helps you under stand your part too and how you play in that emotional drama triangle. In my case I've played the hero, the lost child, and shifted into the others depending on where I was in my growth and development. It's a nasty thing getting out of all that mess and programming. I don't think alcoholics and addicts have any idea the damage they cause people. And I know they're nice people under all the madness, but fortunately, I can't empathize with them much anymore because of my own experience.

Fortunately, you have a lot of inner wounds to mend to stop being triggered by them, and I'm sure eventually as you grow you will be neutral to what they say and do. It's better to understand the transition to higher conscious thinking is going to help you see where they're going to get angry and upset with you, because again they're thinking from victim mentality and how dare you leave them emotionally, mentally, and spiritually behind. Maturing means they have to do the same, and sure they will get into the drama triangle and get the jury to agree with them. It's really something watching people when you've decided to grow up and mature. And I don't mean to make it sound negative, but it's just weird how you see how unhealthy people are even though they claim to be healthy.

When you're away from the situation you can see it even more clearly. The chaos and confusion is their own thinking, perception, fears, and anxiety. The worst enemy is themselves. And there isn't much you can do about that. All you can do is hope and pray they make the choice to get smart and walk out of the matrix.

Allow your family to grieve and cope in the own way. Life isn't fair. That's the one thing you have to accept. The best thing you can be is the example to them to step up in higher conscious thinking and behaving.

 

[Supa]

I agree shifting your emotions into positive ones are correct. Fortunately, in severe cases of addiction and alcoholism in families that isn't always enough. You're talking about co-dependent-addictive relationships which are lower conscious thinking. They're not aware of the cycle of negative thinking, negative emotions, anxiety, and fear-based thinking. The cycle never ends until they personally develop and step out of the emotional drama triangle. The poor me, victim mentality, and self-absorbed.

In my own situation: I had to remove myself from the people. And Now that I have I can see very clearly. I've been a life long learner most of my life, reading books on just about everything, was always trying to break free and be the path cutter. Fortunately the only thing that happens even when you do shift your emotions and moods, their way of thinking ends up pulling you down over and over again because you're unaware of what it is. I think it took me a year to wrap my head around the idea that someone that is a family member can be sabotaging you. Unbelievable when I was aware enough to recognize what the main problem was and who.

Love and forgiveness was always my way of dealing with it, and the whole martyr scenario. Take the pain and abuse because it's your family. It's what you're supposed to do. Fortunately, when push comes to shove addicts and alcoholics eat their own. It's a tough call when you have to make a move like I have, but you see how their habits, thinking patterns, and behaviors become destructive to yours.

Once I understood that, I knew to be successful, I had to bail. Not an easy choice, but even if you can switch your emotions and moods and meditate and be mentally tough, it wears on you day in an day out. You're constantly in that anxiety, fear, survival mode whether you want to be or not. They keep you there with their toxic thinking. They're always unpredictable. You never know what they're going to do next. They're moods change by the moment, and it's all out of emotions. In depression and ptsd they state children of addicts and alcoholics can be matched with a soldier in combat. Fortunately, this isn't good when you're living in an emotional and mental war long term. Lower conscious thinking is on auto-pilot. Emotions are out of control and a bad habit.

Fortunately, this is what you're talking about. Regulating your emotions and not reacting. Rather than responding. They're great people to practice that on, because it teaches you to discipline yourself to be mentally tough, regulate your emotions, get past your fears, and set your boundaries. Fortunately, when you get to where I am now, you become the black sheep. And of course they're mad because you rocked the boat and didn't stay being their victim.

This is two different worlds. I don't know how bad your family is with co-dependency and addiction, but I suppose I'm trying to help you understand, it's kind of like playing Russian roulette with your mind sometimes.

Emotional attachments are there of course because they're your family and you love them. At the same time you want to succeed. As an entrepreneur this calls for higher conscious thinking. It's a whole different ball game. This is the tough part about success having to make tough choices other people don't understand.

I'm not sure how your life will play out because everyone's family is different. Some families are workable, but others can sabotage your success more than others. It would be a wonderful world if everyone had a supportive family. It's not always the case.

Best case scenario: love your family from a distance if you need too. They're unaware of what they're doing. And naturally you know their programmed that way. You really can't change or fix them. And worrying about them, really is wasting your time and energy. Like you have grown and developed and found the answers, they have the same choice. While it may be upsetting, they're making the choice to be where they are. And I used to hate hearing people tell me that, but now standing on this side, I understand completely.

The pictures are an emotional attachment to her old life. The way she's grieving of course of losing what she had. Addictive families are always about losses and grieving. That negative emotion mixed with negative thinking brings the negative outcome. So, yes shifting your emotions and mood gets you into the positive groove. For you to be successful you have to be in that positive groove, and stay there no matter what happens to your family.

Family Roles helps you under stand your part too and how you play in that emotional drama triangle. In my case I've played the hero, the lost child, and shifted into the others depending on where I was in my growth and development. It's a nasty thing getting out of all that mess and programming. I don't think alcoholics and addicts have any idea the damage they cause people. And I know they're nice people under all the madness, but fortunately, I can't empathize with them much anymore because of my own experience.

Fortunately, you have a lot of inner wounds to mend to stop being triggered by them, and I'm sure eventually as you grow you will be neutral to what they say and do. It's better to understand the transition to higher conscious thinking is going to help you see where they're going to get angry and upset with you, because again they're thinking from victim mentality and how dare you leave them emotionally, mentally, and spiritually behind. Maturing means they have to do the same, and sure they will get into the drama triangle and get the jury to agree with them. It's really something watching people when you've decided to grow up and mature. And I don't mean to make it sound negative, but it's just weird how you see how unhealthy people are even though they claim to be healthy.

When you're away from the situation you can see it even more clearly. The chaos and confusion is their own thinking, perception, fears, and anxiety. The worst enemy is themselves. And there isn't much you can do about that. All you can do is hope and pray they make the choice to get smart and walk out of the matrix.

Allow your family to grieve and cope in the own way. Life isn't fair. That's the one thing you have to accept. The best thing you can be is the example to them to step up in higher conscious thinking and behaving.

awesome post, thanks @Mattie !

The co-dependent thing was something that my mom had a hard time to get over, but I think the fact that she made a complete cut, moved to a flat and is now in a relationship with a man who understands and helps her, really helped her.

Addicted family members are extreme circumstances to handle with, everyone does it their way. But I think that if you can handle those feelings and emotions, you get into a state of mind where you are able to do something that helps to get over it.

It is definitely not easy to shift your emotions, but I hope some see the value of being able to do it. It's a part of making choices IMO, you can decide if you give in on those feelings, or if you overcome them. And with shifting your emotions into good ones, emotions that make you create a good life is a way better option to escape the maybe bad situation right now, instead of trying to escape it by forgetting it for a moment.

 

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[BaraQueenbee]

I was thinking yesterday about this, "how the F*ck do I handle these emotions?"

And now you showed me this, great post @Supa and great reply @Mattie , lots to think about.....

 

[liquidglass]

A lot of introspective posts in this thread, I love it. It's the only way that we, as people, can grow. Unfortunately many people in those situations never look inward for change and always look for someone else to pull them out of it.

(side note: makes me think of the lyrics "took this jangling coffee cup in my hand, to realize I've always been begging for change."

)

For those of you looking/thinking about co-depedant relationships with your parents you may want to research the idea called: Enmeshment
I find it in mother/child relationships the most. It's a very un-talked about occurrence because it could be looked at as bad mouthing a parent caring for their child.

@Supa just a note about the sociopath comment. Nothing wrong with being a little sociopath as long as you balance it out with conscious emotion (choosing to try to feel in some situations) but don't let people confuse it with pyschopath.

Keep up the introspection and growth everyone!

 

[Supa]

A lot of introspective posts in this thread, I love it. It's the only way that we, as people, can grow. Unfortunately many people in those situations never look inward for change and always look for someone else to pull them out of it.

(side note: makes me think of the lyrics "took this jangling coffee cup in my hand, to realize I've always been begging for change."

)

For those of you looking/thinking about co-depedant relationships with your parents you may want to research the idea called: Enmeshment
I find it in mother/child relationships the most. It's a very un-talked about occurrence because it could be looked at as bad mouthing a parent caring for their child.

@Supa just a note about the sociopath comment. Nothing wrong with being a little sociopath as long as you balance it out with conscious emotion (choosing to try to feel in some situations) but don't let people confuse it with pyschopath.

Keep up the introspection and growth everyone!

Yes it is the easy way out, to hide from the shit that happened. To crawl under your blanket and turn on the TV.

With not turning into sociopaths I meant, that I don't wanted to tell you to lose your feelings and emotions or to not feel anything anymore, but to be able to not let you taken down by your emotions.

 

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[Mattie]

I was thinking yesterday about this, "how the F*ck do I handle these emotions?"

Emotions are a side effect of an event. Something that you experience. The experience is what you think and feel in the moment. Emotions can be like a fiery volcano. Holding in emotions and suppressing them is like a volcano waiting to erupt any moment and explode. How do you handle the emotions, you allow them to be. Emotions are right now. Take a minute to allow yourself to feel what you do in a private place. Let them go instead of trying to fight them and resist them. It's easier to let yourself feel what you do in the moment, than hang on to them and carry them around all day, week, or month like luggage.

Emotions are also like a stormy sea. The waves can be huge and smash against a pier. They can also be very calm. You learn to feel the ebb and flow of your emotions. If you were on surf board you learn to feel the motion of the waves. They move in certain ways, forward and backward. With your eyes you can watch them, feel when to move, and hold your balance. Some waves make you wipe out an swallow you whole.

In my experience it was learning to feel what my body is experiencing, soaking up in the environment, using my five senses, and being objective, going with the flow. Taking the path of least resistance. When we try to resist emotions and feelings we have a harder time. We're afraid of the pain and suffering. It's quite natural to feel the way we do. We get in trouble when try to deny the normal process of healing. Storing it up only turns into unhealthy emotion. Isn't it okay to feel what you feel? Give yourself permission to feel what you feel without judgement.

When you let them exist and allow them to be expressed, you can allow them to be free. You set yourself free from carrying around emotions and feelings that leave you tension, stress, anxiety, and fear. Emotions come and go, they're temporary. You will have different emotions and feelings every day depending on what you experience. Know they're just like waves. They come in to the shore and when you release them they go back out to sea.

The trick is using some way to express them. That is letting yourself cry if you need too, writing it out, painting, drawing, using sports or the gym, or any other artistic medium you use to express yourself. Make peace with your emotions. Learn to balance them throughout the day. Growing up by water, I'm naturally a water person, so I spent a lot of time watching and observing the water. I watch the water because emotions are very similar. Listen to waves or watch videos of waves. It's visualizing and balancing emotions in away. It may sound funny, but most of the time when I watched the lake it did calm my emotions and feelings. Emotions are emotions, feelings are feelings, there is nothing good or bad about them. They are what they are in the moment.

 

[Mattie]

I find it in mother/child relationships the most. It's a very un-talked about occurrence because it could be looked at as bad mouthing a parent caring for their child.

I talk about it because not talking about it, becomes the reason families keep passing it down generation to generation. Usually it stems from authoritarian parenting in generations before and they didn't have the resources necessarily to understand what we know today. There's no more excuses for families not to become path cutters and stop spreading the dysfunction to future generations. Authoritative parenting is much healthier.

 

[BaraQueenbee]

Thank you so much @Mattie

 

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[Delmania]

How do you handle the emotions, you allow them to be

There's a trite quote that goes something to the effect that successful people respond to situations, whereas unsuccessful people react. In my experiences, this is one of those useless saying that doesn't do anything except give the person lecturing a chance to put on a smug smile. Reactions are involuntary, responses are not.

Honestly, I've been practicing something called SRRRA, which stands for "Situation Reaction Reality Response Action". Basically, when something happens that makes me feel angry or upset, I will remove myself from the situation, grab a notebook and analyze the event as follows:

Situation - Brief summary of the situation. Facts only.
React - Just a listing of my emotions, no explanations, no justifications. I just write "I am angry".
Reality - Place yourself in the shoes of the other person, figure out why they did what they.
Response - What will you do right now?
Action Items - What will you do long term?

For example, just today I had 2 emails from managers that I interpreted as micromanagement. I enjoy independence, I hate being managed. (For context I had some items open, and my previous manager never cared how long they were open). Rather than respond with a rude email, I did this:
"Situation: J and C emailed me about the same thing.
Reaction: Frustration, anger, indignation
Reality: They are managers, they are simply doing their job. They wouldn't bother me about this unless someone else did.
Response: Close the items, be more mindful of this in the future.
Action Items: Read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, work on business (screencast for Elixir)"

 

[ilrein]

Very insightful @Mattie

I'd like to add a short note...being in control of your emotions has a LOT to do with your identity. You will find emotional control comes naturally when you have a strongly defined self-image.

A simple, but real example: I'm 100% confident that my longterm future is to be an entrepreneur. Therefore, I know that all the decisions I make are in sync with this destiny, this self-image I give myself to live up to.

Now, let's say I experience a displeasure during my slowlane 9-5...Initially, I might feel indignation, anger, sadness, loneliness, etc...But then I would take a deep breathe, consider that this present reality, of me in some office, working for some guys -- is such a small part my overall life story, that it feels wasteful to expend energy on negativity.

Do I care if someone in the office doesn't like me? Only if I felt like this office would be a longterm part of my identity. But if I see this as a temporary, fleeting milestone...then there's NOTHING that can impact me emotionally/negatively @ my job...

 

[Mattie]

Thank you so much @Mattie

You're welcome. It's easier to surf on top of the waves instead of drowning in emotions an fears.

In my experiences, this is one of those useless saying that doesn't do anything except give the person lecturing a chance to put on a smug smile.

While you're correct what you wrote. I'm not talking about when you're in front of someone. As I stated writing and expressing. What you wrote is part of that process, but not everyone needs to write what you have and some do it in the mind.

Where I'm coming from: People tend to distract themselves from their thoughts, emotions, and feelings. Escapism. I read this book, do a meditation, listen to music, put something in front of me to distract myself from experiencing what I feel and feeling the emotion. Sometimes you just have to stop avoiding things and let yourself feel what you feel and let the emotion pass.

You're talking about in a situation with someone else in front of you. Reacting or responding and being mindful of actions, thoughts, and words, and having empathy. Reacting is exploding and taking it out on someone else or object. Responding is walking away from the situation and doing something else and taking a non-violent approach.

Two different things.

Do I care if someone in the office doesn't like me? Only if I felt like this office would be a longterm part of my identity. But if I see this as a temporary, fleeting milestone...then there's NOTHING that can impact me emotionally/negatively @ my job..

This is also correct.

There are many parts to handling emotions and regulating them.

 

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[Delmania]

Escapism. I read this book, do a meditation, listen to music, put something in front of me to distract myself from experiencing what I feel and feeling the emotion

What form of meditation do you practice? I ask because I practice Zen Buddhism, and a large part of the tradition is that during meditation, I try my best to observe the thoughts and feelings in our minds without acting on them. I allow myself to feel angry, sad, frustrated, but I merely sit there and take no action on those emotions.

 

[Mattie]

What form of meditation do you practice? I ask because I practice Zen Buddhism, and a large part of the tradition is that during meditation, I try my best to observe the thoughts and feelings in our minds without acting on them. I allow myself to feel angry, sad, frustrated, but I merely sit there and take no action on those emotions.

Same as you. I suppose you haven't learned about spiritual bypassing. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/margaret-paul-phd/using-spiritualty-addicti_b_7534016.html

 

[Mattie]

I thought this was good speech. You might find it useful.

 

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[Allan Black]

This is a great thread! Thanks for sharing!

One thing that helped me that hopefully will help you, is that I consistently use negative emotions and turn them into positive outcome and no, this doesn't mean singing a happy song when you are feeling down.

When you experience negative moments, the wrong thing to do, is to bottle that negative emotion because you will be miserable and depressed, and it's very easy to start playing the "I'm a victim" song and also the "blame game". There's a whole psychology aspect behind this topic, but I will tell you what helped me.

You must confront your negative emotion, and one method that I use on a consistent basis that works really really well is:

-Find a quiet spot, doesn't matter where
-sit somewhere or lie down.
-close your eyes, and dig deep into your emotions, all of it.
-release your emotions.
-cry, scream, laugh, let it all go.
-If you are very upset, bawl your eyes out.
-If you feel the need to laugh, laugh. Laugh hysterically.
-If you feel enraged, Scream! take a pillow and smash it. Tear it to pieces.

This works. I'll tell you why. society been training us to be robots (no I'm not kidding). We are taught to suppress our emotions. To be normal. If you have a job, you must act "professionally", you can't really be yourself. In school, you must shut up, sit down and listen to the teacher.

We are human beings. It is natural for us to be ourselves. It is natural for us to feel angry, to feel sad, to feel happy. We can be able to express that emotions whenever we want to.

So try this, and I guarantee you will have less stress in your life.

 

[unosalez]

I thought this was good speech. You might find it useful.

Sent from my LG-H810 using Tapatalk

 

[Supa]

This works. I'll tell you why. society been training us to be robots (no I'm not kidding). We are taught to suppress our emotions. To be normal. If you have a job, you must act "professionally", you can't really be yourself. In school, you must shut up, sit down and listen to the teacher.

Yeah, I can definitely agree with you. A good way of getting your emotions out is doing martial arts IMO.

 

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[safff]

I live my life by a simple rule. Acceot the things I cannot change, Change the things I can and know the difference. It was my gran's favourite saying from the serenity prayer, and I'm in no way religious but over the years I've come to find that in any given situation it slows things down and gets me through some bad times but it applies in any situation. acting 'professional' at work, reacting to family news, anything. I find it's the key alternative to 'not feeling emotion' but instead organises the emotions providing a clear distinction between 'it's happened, I'm devastated, I can't change that' and 'but life goes on I'm laying in bed all day, I can change that' and realising the seperation between the two.

I know people often talk about controlling emotions but I find that it's a case of Event > Emotion | Decision. With generally the inital Event and emotions being the things that you simply cannot change, but the decision being your input. There can be subsequent emotions that arise based on that decision but from thereon until the next event in the line, you're in control and it's getting in to that loop of Event > emotion > Decision > emotion/event > Decision > Emotion/event > decision that beings to mould and control your emotions, whilst still allowing you to have them and deal with them. The further down the string you travel, the greater the control.

How it works for me at least lol

 

[Mattie]

Change the things I can and know the difference. It was my gran's favourite saying from the serenity prayer

I've used that prayer too since I was 18. Always a great reminder. Emotions are kind of crazy sometimes. Today could I have reacted in a certain way offline, but than I know emotions are driven by fear, and fear makes you think stupid things out of your imagination, and you jump to conclusions, and than umm...that's what gets you in trouble.

Sometimes you just have to let go of what you can't change. And of course shutting your mouth sometimes keeps you out of trouble. And just taking your focus off it entirely can turn your world around. I suppose today's incident just reminded me how easy it is to fall back into old patterns, but than there's this space where you stop yourself and respond instead. And what can you really do about something you can't change, but just accept it for what it is.

 

[safff]

I've used that prayer too since I was 18. Always a great reminder. Emotions are kind of crazy sometimes. Today could I have reacted in a certain way offline, but than I know emotions are driven by fear, and fear makes you think stupid things out of your imagination, and you jump to conclusions, and than umm...that's what gets you in trouble.

Sometimes you just have to let go of what you can't change. And of course shutting your mouth sometimes keeps you out of trouble. And just taking your focus off it entirely can turn your world around. I suppose today's incident just reminded me how easy it is to fall back into old patterns, but than there's this space where you stop yourself and respond instead. And what can you really do about something you can't change, but just accept it for what it is.

I think you've raised two contrasting reactions there (in my opinion). I think it's important to realise the difference in 'letting go of what you can't change' and accepting it.

I think the former is inadvertently trying to push it out, ignore it, it doesn't exist, it doesn't matter, 'toughen up' etc.

Wheras truly accepting it involves reflecting on it, acknowledging it, confronting it - and that's where strength and growth is found in my opinion In maintaining acknowledgement but whist like you say, finding that space where you stop and take a breath and a step. It's different for everyone, but I find the further you change your mindset, travel along that loop, the less natural it becomes to fall back into old ways.

 

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[Mattie]

Wheras truly accepting it involves reflecting on it, acknowledging it, confronting it - and that's where strength and growth is found in my opinion In maintaining acknowledgement but whist like you say, finding that space where you stop and take a breath and a step. It's different for everyone, but I find the further you change your mindset, travel along that loop, the less natural it becomes to fall back into old ways.

Yay, It was just for an few minutes, recognizing the emotion and feeling, and than navigating away from it in a matter of seconds. You're correct.

 

[Supa]

Recently I heard someone saying the following sentence:

"no matter what kind of shit happened to you, try to make this week your best week, and the next week, and then the next week, and so on. And don't forget to smile, no matter how hard everything is right now, try to smile."