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The rule is "Don’t talk about what it’s like to be a man who is struggling."
I've been suffering for years, but stuffing it up, hiding, and suppressing this pain, but after introducing myself to a book "Men's Work" everything became clear.
I want to have an honest, brutal, super no bullshit talk about the problems we face as men.
I was afraid because people used me many times after me opening up to them, or helping them with valuable advice, it is my own behaviour that manifested it, but still the burden is here, the fear and insecurity is that you reading this may laugh your a$$ off reading about my absurd problems or receiving an advice that will destroy me or disagreeing, whatever, read it if you want, just be honest with me, even though it may hurt me, make me disagree.
My whole childhood my father abused me, like most men, it was very f*cked up, but my father never worked or did anything valuable his whole life, he manipulated my mother to work on a job to this day and he yelled at me and repressed everything about me with threats after each act of self reliancy, autonomy, argument/opinion, and even word, there comes a fear of disagreeing or talking my opinion, fear of action without an approval of a father figure or authority and little hatred to those whom my projection is casted upon, desire to be better, but fear that makes me bitter, it is this complex and absurd trauma, this shadow of mine that is about to be discussed.
My mentor is a woman, it was online, for a year her name and whether she's male or female was a mystery, she saved my life by giving me four book reccomendations, and by listening to me like nobody listened before, she was a father figure to me for a year, and...
My goal is to meet her one day and simply be loyal friend to her, but without this friendzone shit, because... I'll date other women, and just he honest to them, as my favourite author of this "relationship" books writes, you gotta be very honest, for example if you see a woman you like - approach and tell her what you want or need or what is your intention "You're beautiful, give your number or social media account" and if she didn't reject "I want a short term relationship with you, casual sex and little bit of fun" and that is all, if you're honest you can't be manipulated.
I don't know how to talk about my problems, because practicing this wasn't my priority and it is not my skill, but look...
For a year, I've been making father figure after father figure trying to find a perfect one whom I'll be able to obey and listen like a little dog starving for approval and love, I've been making father figures after father figures: Hamza, Demarco, Gadzhi, Hormozi, Hardy (both Darren and Ben) and a lot of self-help authors, trying to get their approval which is what they told is good and bad in book, but the moment disagreement happened, like...
I was unable to, I felt anxious, when I was 13 I was watching Hamza's video on why videogames are bad and you shouldn't play it, I had some complex PTSD, because with my literal perception he wasn't talking about them, but about both literature, fiction, anime, cartoon, movie, series, manga, comics and music...
I will never agree that these are bad, I know in self-improvement industry people hate what I call "content" but it warms my soul, I am able to balance and I was doing it, I've been watching it independently (movies, anime, series) and only a good and thought provoking ones, but I couldn't disagree, I hate myself to this day for this hilarious and absurd event that somehow triggered trauma, I've been literally...
Feeling anxious, having panic attacks, fearing both content and self-improvement for a whole F*cking year and HIDING it because of shame, because someone is or would laugh, judge, I've been desperate for my father's approval, so much projection and somehow, I met my mentor, she made me work on my shadow, and my beliefs, and my past and reinterpret it, she healed my absurd perception of information when it comes to authority or someone whom I admire, but right now my struggles are...
I am narcissistic, psychopathic, self explanatory, devil lawyer type of piece of F*cking shit with intrusive suicidal and maniacal thoughts from a poor and third world country family with a debt we're unable to pay and with high hope for my future but a constant self sabotage in present.
I've read more books than ever after healing my perception it became extraordinary effective, I didn't ever agree with any author or myself, I just collected information, agreed, saved, then abandoned for further usage, to the point...
Where my intuition became as loud as my overthinking, it started to tell me not only what to do, but how easy it is to do it, how F*cking simple it is to get anything you want or surpass your enemy, how absurd the society is and how absurd your problems are and why anything is possible and why you can and must start now, right now it tells me to simply work on my beliefs once again, heal my trauma through reading about it and performing exercises, approach the girl sitting in front of me, to simply go david goggins but with good information on how to make everything easy (thank you Stephem Guise for your books) and it even tells me to never post this thread, to not overshare, but, I'm going against it, I want to break that motherfucking rule, I'm narcissistic and I think that I'm better than you or anyone in the world, but I reinterpret information so F*cking fast, that I'm able to make any behaviour of mine acceptable to my emotions, I don't know, but it is my emotional immaturity and wounded ego is talking, I'm also very afraid and absurd, I'm afraid of being both wrong or right, it became same for me, I think...
I am both f*cked up and enlightened, I feel like shit, because maybe you'll feel jealous, envious (unconsciously) or even F*cking kinky a$$ motherfucking collective shadow stuff, like, who does he think he is, what the F*ck, I am afraid of criticism, I'm simply hurt, but, I'm able to become better, I'm able to heal, I'm simply doing it because of the book exercise, to open up, to break this motherfucking rule, I need your guidance, I really need it...
I am lost, my inner child is scared of me, I think way too much, I am self sabotaging piece of shit, but, I want to heal it, I want to open up, I'll probably never agree with any advice you send to me, I'll probably never agree to myself.
I am the man who lost any sense of direction, who overthinks and is deadly afraid of being wrong and making ANY mistakes, if you respond to it, I'm afraid it will be both challenging for you and for me, we'll discuss, it is an intellectual challenge, I'm afraid that you'll know more than me or become better than me, but I am F*cking opening the goddamn up, I am doing it, I am opening up, I am glad that you don't know where I live, or who I am or who I'll be, I am so glad for this forum, well, see, the whole post it my overthinking, shit.
I am king with no crown, I think I'm best, but I probably masturbate daily, and I waste my time reading books and being wantrepeneur, overthinking, over-reading, and being extremely unstable, I have hooded eyes, I'm 16 years old, I have anterior pelvic tilt, I can't fight, can't defend myself, still traumatised, I wanna kill people who in my opinion wanna kill me, paranoia, I can't F*cking afford therapist, I feel like shit, I feel good, I am UNABLE to be committed to any opinion, I'm strangely ENTP who is F*cking hating any personalities, I feel like some mad sigma psycho from all these movies, I have megalomania, I don't know guys, haha, save me please, Lord, God, Allah, Universe, I just want you to save me from me, save people from me, save me from people, this whole post is... F*cking... a F*ckin joke!
I'm imagining how you're laughing or simply...
I need your advice...
I desperately want to belong...
I just... I'm lost... I'm a F*cking kid... I'm a F*cking teenager, I'm F*cking... I'm done...
I even attempted suicide recently, I don't feel guilty or shame because it is just a way of getting approval and control...
Okay, my intuition told me - I'm done, thank you for reading, subscribe to my channel, press like button, do the hard work especially when you don't feel like it.
Forgive me.
I've been suffering for years, but stuffing it up, hiding, and suppressing this pain, but after introducing myself to a book "Men's Work" everything became clear.
I want to have an honest, brutal, super no bullshit talk about the problems we face as men.
I was afraid because people used me many times after me opening up to them, or helping them with valuable advice, it is my own behaviour that manifested it, but still the burden is here, the fear and insecurity is that you reading this may laugh your a$$ off reading about my absurd problems or receiving an advice that will destroy me or disagreeing, whatever, read it if you want, just be honest with me, even though it may hurt me, make me disagree.
My whole childhood my father abused me, like most men, it was very f*cked up, but my father never worked or did anything valuable his whole life, he manipulated my mother to work on a job to this day and he yelled at me and repressed everything about me with threats after each act of self reliancy, autonomy, argument/opinion, and even word, there comes a fear of disagreeing or talking my opinion, fear of action without an approval of a father figure or authority and little hatred to those whom my projection is casted upon, desire to be better, but fear that makes me bitter, it is this complex and absurd trauma, this shadow of mine that is about to be discussed.
My mentor is a woman, it was online, for a year her name and whether she's male or female was a mystery, she saved my life by giving me four book reccomendations, and by listening to me like nobody listened before, she was a father figure to me for a year, and...
My goal is to meet her one day and simply be loyal friend to her, but without this friendzone shit, because... I'll date other women, and just he honest to them, as my favourite author of this "relationship" books writes, you gotta be very honest, for example if you see a woman you like - approach and tell her what you want or need or what is your intention "You're beautiful, give your number or social media account" and if she didn't reject "I want a short term relationship with you, casual sex and little bit of fun" and that is all, if you're honest you can't be manipulated.
I don't know how to talk about my problems, because practicing this wasn't my priority and it is not my skill, but look...
For a year, I've been making father figure after father figure trying to find a perfect one whom I'll be able to obey and listen like a little dog starving for approval and love, I've been making father figures after father figures: Hamza, Demarco, Gadzhi, Hormozi, Hardy (both Darren and Ben) and a lot of self-help authors, trying to get their approval which is what they told is good and bad in book, but the moment disagreement happened, like...
I was unable to, I felt anxious, when I was 13 I was watching Hamza's video on why videogames are bad and you shouldn't play it, I had some complex PTSD, because with my literal perception he wasn't talking about them, but about both literature, fiction, anime, cartoon, movie, series, manga, comics and music...
I will never agree that these are bad, I know in self-improvement industry people hate what I call "content" but it warms my soul, I am able to balance and I was doing it, I've been watching it independently (movies, anime, series) and only a good and thought provoking ones, but I couldn't disagree, I hate myself to this day for this hilarious and absurd event that somehow triggered trauma, I've been literally...
Feeling anxious, having panic attacks, fearing both content and self-improvement for a whole F*cking year and HIDING it because of shame, because someone is or would laugh, judge, I've been desperate for my father's approval, so much projection and somehow, I met my mentor, she made me work on my shadow, and my beliefs, and my past and reinterpret it, she healed my absurd perception of information when it comes to authority or someone whom I admire, but right now my struggles are...
I am narcissistic, psychopathic, self explanatory, devil lawyer type of piece of F*cking shit with intrusive suicidal and maniacal thoughts from a poor and third world country family with a debt we're unable to pay and with high hope for my future but a constant self sabotage in present.
I've read more books than ever after healing my perception it became extraordinary effective, I didn't ever agree with any author or myself, I just collected information, agreed, saved, then abandoned for further usage, to the point...
Where my intuition became as loud as my overthinking, it started to tell me not only what to do, but how easy it is to do it, how F*cking simple it is to get anything you want or surpass your enemy, how absurd the society is and how absurd your problems are and why anything is possible and why you can and must start now, right now it tells me to simply work on my beliefs once again, heal my trauma through reading about it and performing exercises, approach the girl sitting in front of me, to simply go david goggins but with good information on how to make everything easy (thank you Stephem Guise for your books) and it even tells me to never post this thread, to not overshare, but, I'm going against it, I want to break that motherfucking rule, I'm narcissistic and I think that I'm better than you or anyone in the world, but I reinterpret information so F*cking fast, that I'm able to make any behaviour of mine acceptable to my emotions, I don't know, but it is my emotional immaturity and wounded ego is talking, I'm also very afraid and absurd, I'm afraid of being both wrong or right, it became same for me, I think...
I am both f*cked up and enlightened, I feel like shit, because maybe you'll feel jealous, envious (unconsciously) or even F*cking kinky a$$ motherfucking collective shadow stuff, like, who does he think he is, what the F*ck, I am afraid of criticism, I'm simply hurt, but, I'm able to become better, I'm able to heal, I'm simply doing it because of the book exercise, to open up, to break this motherfucking rule, I need your guidance, I really need it...
I am lost, my inner child is scared of me, I think way too much, I am self sabotaging piece of shit, but, I want to heal it, I want to open up, I'll probably never agree with any advice you send to me, I'll probably never agree to myself.
I am the man who lost any sense of direction, who overthinks and is deadly afraid of being wrong and making ANY mistakes, if you respond to it, I'm afraid it will be both challenging for you and for me, we'll discuss, it is an intellectual challenge, I'm afraid that you'll know more than me or become better than me, but I am F*cking opening the goddamn up, I am doing it, I am opening up, I am glad that you don't know where I live, or who I am or who I'll be, I am so glad for this forum, well, see, the whole post it my overthinking, shit.
I am king with no crown, I think I'm best, but I probably masturbate daily, and I waste my time reading books and being wantrepeneur, overthinking, over-reading, and being extremely unstable, I have hooded eyes, I'm 16 years old, I have anterior pelvic tilt, I can't fight, can't defend myself, still traumatised, I wanna kill people who in my opinion wanna kill me, paranoia, I can't F*cking afford therapist, I feel like shit, I feel good, I am UNABLE to be committed to any opinion, I'm strangely ENTP who is F*cking hating any personalities, I feel like some mad sigma psycho from all these movies, I have megalomania, I don't know guys, haha, save me please, Lord, God, Allah, Universe, I just want you to save me from me, save people from me, save me from people, this whole post is... F*cking... a F*ckin joke!
I'm imagining how you're laughing or simply...
I need your advice...
I desperately want to belong...
I just... I'm lost... I'm a F*cking kid... I'm a F*cking teenager, I'm F*cking... I'm done...
I even attempted suicide recently, I don't feel guilty or shame because it is just a way of getting approval and control...
Okay, my intuition told me - I'm done, thank you for reading, subscribe to my channel, press like button, do the hard work especially when you don't feel like it.
Forgive me.
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