Is marriage an archaic and 'scripted' ideology?

[SebastianSkinner]

Hi All,

Something I have been thinking about internally for a while is the idea of marriage and whether or not it is worth it in today's society (I am speaking from a 1st world western country).

I do think that my upbringing has had effected my viewpoints on the matter (coming from a family who's parents divorced when I was young and it being a fairly bitter process for both parents).

Ultimately, from looking into the statistics with basically 1 in 2 marriages ending in divorce along with most people identifying as agnostic or atheist is there any need for the idealism of marriage anymore? The only reason I can see it being more prevalent is if you want children or for legal and tax reasons etc.

If a marriage is to go south it can have crippling effects on an individual mentally and financially. I was wondering what others views are on it and if they see the concept of marriage as now outdated as well? I understand that this is looking at it with a very pessimistic viewpoint, glass half empty stance if you will.

Also I do believe that their is a societal expectation from friends and family that by a certain age you should be married, 2.5 kids, settled down with a fat mortgage along with other liabilities etc. However, by going against this assertion it can open up a lot of time, freedom and ultimately allow you to take more risks in pursuit of business endeavours.

Thoughts on this and whether you view it as a 'scripted' idealism would be interesting.

Best,

S

 

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[Onakosa]

I spent a few years working in divorce law (UK based), plus I have been married twice. Here are some of my 'professional' observations:

- Here is England something like 80% of divorce petitions are issued by women, most of whom are over 55 years old. They are the boomer generation who have retired on good pensions, have massive equity in their homes, and basically can afford to leave. They're also the generation who grew up wanting (and mostly getting!) it all.

- Younger people (40-somethings) don't tend to divorce unless there's specific reason to (third party involved or a problem e.g. drinking). They stay together mostly because their kids are still quite young and they can't afford to. Generally, a few years down the line, they are happy they didn't separate.

- If a couple have been living together for more than about 3 or 4 years and haven't married, if they do decide to do it, they will usually divorce within a couple of years. There was a reason they didn't commit in the first place and a piece of paper won't change this. The divorces tend to be very bitter too.

- Men don't jump unless they've got somewhere soft to land. They are far more likely to put up with a situation which, while they don't love it, it's not necessarily making them unhappy. Women will leave if they feel their emotional needs aren't being met and b) they can afford to (see point about boomers above). In this situation it's usually a massive shock to the husband.

- The most common reason for a man to divorce his wife - in fact, it seemed to be the only one - was adultery.

In my personal experience, marriage is hard work but we still keep wanting to do it. I think a lot of people, particularly younger people have unrealistic expectations of what it's going to be like. I read a lot of divorce petitions saying things like "well, after 2 years and a baby things changed" - what were they expecting?!

There will never be a right time or an exactly right person, but sometimes you just have to take the plunge. When it works, it's actually pretty good!


(Should add - I'm not presenting any of the above observations as facts! They are only observations based on a couple years of being in a specific working environment. Others may well have different opinions or observations.)

 

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[Stargazer]

@Onakosa You should write a short book on your observations. (What a Divorce Solicitor can tell you about marriage and how to survive it ) I can imagine programmes like Loose Women giving you airtime plus all the radio shows, Holly and Phil etc

I only know 3 people who are divorced and all 3 fit your theories.

1 couple lived together for 7 years, got married and within 2 years seriously hated each other and spilt up never to speak or see each other even in social settings again.

2 others, the wife instigated the divorce within a couple of years of getting largish pay rises so presumably had done all of their calculations and groundwork by the time they told their husbands who were shocked.

It is only by reading your post now and thinking of them that I can see what you have written fitted them all.

Dan

 

[Onakosa]

@Onakosa You should write a short book on your observations. (What a Divorce Solicitor can tell you about marriage and how to survive it ) I can imagine programmes like Loose Women giving you airtime plus all the radio shows, Holly and Phil etc

I only know 3 people who are divorced and all 3 fit your theories.

1 couple lived together for 7 years, got married and within 2 years seriously hated each other and spilt up never to speak or see each other even in social settings again.

2 others, the wife instigated the divorce within a couple of years of getting largish pay rises so presumably had done all of their calculations and groundwork by the time they told their husbands who were shocked.

It is only by reading your post now and thinking of them that I can see what you have written fitted them all.

Dan

Thank you. I was going to say I'm glad you 'enjoyed' reading it - but I'm not sure that would be quite the right adjective!

 

[Kal-El1998]

Marriage is supposed to be great. Just as God ordained it. But thanks to feminism and now the financial incentive they have thanks to the government to divorce. It just isn't anymore. Until women change their entitlement issues, I see a lot of men walking away from marriage.

 

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