I'm proud of this copy. Destroy it.

[Anon38776]

This copy was written for a small e-commerce store's About Us page. They sell watches. I'm looking for constructive feedback. What can I improve? What would you do differently?

Heartbeat
The average heart beats 72 times per minute. Your wrist, since your birth, has no heartbeat.
It's dead. There's no glimmer of light to attract and please the eyes. No tiny detail to spark
creativity. No little, metallic tick-tock to fill in the silence. Nothing.

We at WristProject want to bring you small heart pieces to put on your or your loved one's
wrists. All of our watches are made with careful attention to detail. Every one of them is
done with the idea that they'll fit creatively in your outfits. Our watches don't just look good
and attract attention, their material also feels good to wear.

Imagine unboxing a new watch. Seeing the glimmer and picking it up to try it on. You stand
in front of a mirror, and a slight feeling of joy overwhelms you. You know that this is the one
watch that you'll be wearing for a life time, and it will serve you. This is the joy that we
want to bring you. WristProject is about making the world a more beautiful place. One wrist
at a time.

Made with ["love"/heart-symbol] in lovely Estonia.

 

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[LifeTransformer]

Why do I want to know about heart beats when you're selling a watch?

 

[Anon38776]

Why do I want to know about heart beats when you're selling a watch?

The first line makes sure that it's not "just another About Us page copy" to the customer. It makes it interesting and gives it a theme to work with. I'm trying to avoid any salesy feeling with all of my copy, and I'm focusing on entertaining the customer while making them consider the business in a positive light.

 

[JoeB]

When did you write it?

I often write stuff that I think is good, then go back a day or so later and think "wow, that is terrible".

I'd love to give some constructive criticism but to me,it just doesn't make any sense at all.

Do you know what a pulse is?

 

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[LifeTransformer]

The first line makes sure that it's not "just another About Us page copy" to the customer. It makes it interesting and gives it a theme to work with. I'm trying to avoid any salesy feeling with all of my copy, and I'm focusing on entertaining the customer while making them consider the business in a positive light.

Fair enough, but it seems a little weird.

Also, some of your sentences read a little strange to me.

At WritstProject, we want to bring you small heart pieces to put on your loved one's wrist - no idea what "small heart pieces" means, change it.
All our watches are made with careful attention to detail. - Good.
Every one of them is done with the idea that they'll fit creatively in your outfits. - in your outfits? - With your outfits makes more sense.
Our watches don't just look good and attract attention, their material also feels good to wear. - Not bad at all.

Also, maybe this part could use a tweak:

You know that this is the one watch that you'll be wearing for a life time, and it will serve you.

I'd probably go with; This is the one watch you know you can wear for a lifetime, and it will serve you well. Or. similar.

 

[Supa]

Hmm.. the heartbeat story seems kinda random. Not really seeing a watch in my mind while reading it. And your wrist is usually one place to feel your pulse, that's why I was a bit irritated when you wrote "your wrist has no heartbeat".. like, huh?

Focus more on what the customer wants to read here. It's an 'about us' page, so what they actually want when they click there is something about you.. probably to see if you're trustworthy.

 

[Anon38776]

Do you know what a pulse is?

Wrote it today, and I didn't think about a pulse. Well... that breaks everything.

I often write stuff that I think is good, then go back a day or so later and think "wow, that is terrible".

Also, some of your sentences read a little strange to me.

I might make it an exercise to write a bunch of copy (for my portfolio), then put it off for a week and rewrite it. I imagine this will help with the awkward phrasing and idea mistakes.

Hmm.. the heartbeat story seems kinda random. Not really seeing a watch in my mind while reading it. And your wrist is usually one place to feel your pulse, that's why I was a bit irritated when you wrote "your wrist has no heartbeat".. like, huh?

Focus more on what the customer wants to read here. It's an 'about us' page, so what they actually want when they click there is something about you.. probably to see if you're trustworthy.

I actually feel sorry about writing that at this point. I can imagine the irritation you got from reading my copy. I think the fact that my copy was making you feel bad (I mishandled the first paragraph) was more irritating than the mistake with pulse.

I was kind of focusing on creating a positive image along with news/story-telling, because the only real value I could deliver was emotional/attachment value. I might've buried it too much, though.

 

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[The-J]

About page copy should tell people exactly what they want to know:

• Who started the business
• Why they did it
• What makes them better than other businesses
• Why they make better products
• General Policies (free shipping on all orders above $50, 30 day money back guarantee)
  
• How the F*ck to contact them (We're at 123 Whatever Street, Estonia, call us at some number or send a form here)

About page copy does NOT need to be fancy. It needs to inform: quickly, and convincingly. Most of all, the About Page should lend credibility to the business.

Scrap your copy, mate, and start over. This is a learning experience.

 

[Thiago Machado]

The first question to ask is “Who am I writing this for?”

Knowing who your audience is means that you can adapt the content of your writing to address their main concerns.

Knowing your audience will also help you to decide on the “voice” to use.

So... who are they?

 

[MJ DeMarco]

It sounds like you are trying too hard. I understand the direction you want to go and it makes sense, but in this case, I think you need to keep tweaking it.

 

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[Jon L]

I actually think this is a very good first draft. But, it needs to be completely rewritten.

Your main point is that you're trying to communicate your 'Why.' 'Why do we exist? Why will you want to wear our watch?'

You'll need to make your point without overtly stating a connection to 'heartbeat on your wrist' Check out how Breitling connects itself to the magic and wonder of the early days of aviation with this 'about us' piece:

https://www.breitling.com/en/since1884/

Nowhere do they say 'wear a piece of aviation history on your wrist.' But you get that sense from the visuals and some of the copy.

I know this goes against what everyone says on here - that you should write all your copy yourself. I'd recommend that you do some more brainstorming and then pay someone $100 to rewrite it.

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

I highly recommend picking up Ogilvy on Advertising. It's one of the greatest books of all time for real life examples of copy that has been tested time and time again (pun intended) to sell products such as watches.

With that being said, if I were to write this ad in 30 seconds without knowing anything about your company, product, or unique selling proposition -- AND this was my base? Here's what I'd do:

Making The World A More Beautiful Place... One Wrist At a Time.

At WristProject our expert designers ensure every timepiece will pair well with your outfits -- whether you're spending the day at the beach with beautiful Estonian women, conducting an important business meeting, or dressing up for a black-tie affair. Every watch is created with careful attention to detail.

....

You know, on second thought, this needs a lot more work than I first thought and I need a LOT of information on this before I were to write ANYTHING half-way decent for you.

My first bit of advice is not to get emotionally attached to your copy. Professional sales people change their message thousands of times until it's right.

Yes, it's a lot of work. Yes, it can be emotionally draining to write, and re-write -- especially when you think you've got something pretty good.

The age old question: do you want to be right, or do you want to be rich?

Second bit of advice is to start every advertisements for a product or service by listing out every tiny little feature your watches have, the advantage of that over the other thing, and what the ultimate benefit is to the consumer.

You won't use every single FAB statement, but you can select the best ones to highlight in any given ad.

Does that make sense?

 

[Anon38776]

Scrap your copy, mate, and start over. This is a learning experience.

Here's the new copy:
----------------------------------
What we do
WristProject gives the world eye-catching watches at affordable prices. We believe that a watch isn't just a time-telling device, it's a companion to your outfit, a color, and a soul with a little, metallic heartbeat. The right watch should serve you a lifetime. We help you find the right watch.

For your comfort
To make choosing a watch pleasant, we offer free shipping for every item. It's unlikely that you'll ever receive a damaged item, but in the case you do, please read our refund policy. Our customer service is always ready to help, if a request arises. Please see below on how to contact us.

Contact Us
*to be filled in*

Made with [*love*/heart-symbol] in lovely Estonia.
----------------------------------

So... who are they?

People that have a good taste in watches, and that don't have a lot of money.

It sounds like you are trying too hard.

I am. I don't want to write simple copy, I want to write copy that really makes a difference to my clients. That way I can get better, more referrals and a higher retention rate. My work becomes meaningless, when I'm supposed to write content-mill level copy.

I actually think this is a very good first draft. But, it needs to be completely rewritten.

You'll need to make your point without overtly stating a connection to 'heartbeat on your wrist' Check out how Breitling connects itself to the magic and wonder of the early days of aviation with this 'about us' piece:

https://www.breitling.com/en/since1884/

I'd recommend that you do some more brainstorming and then pay someone $100 to rewrite it.

I agree that my ideas weren't bad. But they won't work in an About Us page like this. I also won't be able to make the connection like that, I think that it would get way too off topic, and it would distract the customer from the actual business too much.

You know, on second thought, this needs a lot more work than I first thought and I need a LOT of information on this before I were to write ANYTHING half-way decent for you.

My first bit of advice is not to get emotionally attached to your copy. Professional sales people change their message thousands of times until it's right.

Yes, it's a lot of work. Yes, it can be emotionally draining to write, and re-write -- especially when you think you've got something pretty good.

Second bit of advice is to start every advertisements for a product or service by listing out every tiny little feature your watches have, the advantage of that over the other thing, and what the ultimate benefit is to the consumer.

You won't use every single FAB statement, but you can select the best ones to highlight in any given ad.

Does that make sense?

There is no USP. He's dropshipping (I think) watches, and that's all. The only real benefits I can think of are taste/selection and quality. It's a very generic and tough to work with About Us page. I don't even know what it will look like.

 

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[JokerCrazyBeatz]

You should check this thread by @SinisterLex https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/co...e-money-copywriting-in-15-days-or-less.59465/ Im doing this too . Tomorrow i start day 2

 

[Thiago Machado]

People that have a good taste in watches, and that don't have a lot of money.

I think you can come up with more than that.

Like @The-J said before, you're about us page doesn't need to be fancy.

However, I do advise you to figure out who you are writing too, because that will make a HUGE difference.

Knowing who you're writing to is critical. It's what sets the tone in your copy. It's how you impact your reader on an emotional level. And most importantly, it's usually the first thing copywriters do (before they even begin to write).

Here's an excerpt from John Carlton's Simple Writing System

Your Avatar The manifestation/personification of the person you're selling to. Your "average prospect".
​

Create An Avatar
• Who are you selling to? -> Try to narrow it down as much as you can by demographic: country, race, age, gender, etc.
• What are their needs? Where does it hurt?
• What do they need to hear from you to feel good about buying?

Quick question for you...

What do your prospects look like?

Based on everything you wrote in your second draft, everything in the first didn't make sense.

What does an emotional story about a heartbeat have to do with people who like nice watches but have no money? (I'd probably use the first copy on Valentine's day)

Based on what you said, I think you're prospects probably want to be like the image below... (I'd need more info before making any judgements about who they are, but lets use our intuition for a second)

Look at all of the elements in this ad

Wouldn't it be better to touch on the subject of vanity?

Why did they choose David Beckham?

Could it be due to the fact that he is a rich, "young" man, who women crave and is considered a fashion icon? (He was once voted as the world's best dressed man).

Look at the way he's dressed. Look at the private jet in the background. The watch sparkling on the right hand side.

All of this represents a luxurious lifestyle.

And that's what I believe your target audience wants.

They want to live like David Beckham!

Don't sell them a watch, sell them a lifestyle!

Unfortunately, they don't have the money he has. But what they can do (and want to do) is imitate his style.

A breitling watch is expensive. The Chinese replica, not so much.

Most people wouldn't care if it's Breitling. What they want is something that looks good, and that looks expensive (but isn't) so they can flash it and "feel rich".

Again... I don't know who you're target audience is. But based on the little information you provided, I think that's what they are looking for.

 

[Anon38776]

I think you can come up with more than that.

Knowing who you're writing to is critical. It's what sets the tone in your copy. It's how you impact your reader on an emotional level. And most importantly, it's usually the first thing copywriters do (before they even begin to write).

Create An Avatar
• Who are you selling to? -> Try to narrow it down as much as you can by demographic: country, race, age, gender, etc.
• What are her needs? Where does it hurt?
• What does she need to hear from you to feel good about buying?

What do your prospects look like?

Based on everything you wrote in your second draft, everything in the first didn't make sense.

What does an emotional story about a heartbeat have to do with people who like nice watches but have no money? (I'd probably use the first copy on Valentine's day)

Based on what you said, I think your prospects probably want to be like the image below...

And that's what I believe your target audience wants.

They want to live like David Beckham!

Don't sell them a watch, sell them a lifestyle!

Unfortunately, they don't have the money he has. But what they can do is imitate his style.

A breitling watch is expensive. The Chinese replica, not so much.

Most people wouldn't care if it's Breitling. What they want is something that looks good, and that looks expensive (but isn't).

Again... I don't know who you're target audience is. But based on the little information you provided, I think that's what they are looking for.

"Looks expensive" are the keywords. You're correct. I think I'll start focusing more on picking the right Customer Avatar. I've been doing a sloppy job on that part; trying to win with only the writing itself. There's a thing that I don't know how I'll get past, I hate sounding even remotely salesy in my copy, and that Breitling ad image looks salesy to me.

I'm planning on picking a niche soon, so I don't want to spend much more time on this copy, but I think I'll need to find a piece to practice on constantly. First to figure out how to pick a copywriting niche correctly.

Thank you for your response. It helps a lot, and it's guiding me in the correct way.

 

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[Thiago Machado]

I hate sounding even remotely salesy in my copy, and that Breitling ad image looks salesy to me.

In my opinion, this is far from it.

This is agency copywriting. Not direct response.

This is just focused on creating a positive image. It's not trying to directly sell you something or make you take action in any way.

You also have to take into consideration that this was a magazine ad. (And this magazine ad is famous all over the world).

Before stating your copy at all, it's best if you could tell us who's it for and what reaction you want your readers to have (inform, sign up, etc)

I still have no clue about the type of watches you are trying to sell and to whom.

 

[Anon38776]

This is agency copywriting. Not direct response.
This is just focused on creating a positive image. It's not trying to directly sell you something or make you take action in any way.

How do you know the different types of copywriting? Call me dumb, but I'd never heard of agency copywriting before. Even Google gives me a bad explanation of the types of copywriting. I have no clarity or knowledge of things like this. I mean, I can understand the difference in the aims, but I've never heard specific labels for them.

Before stating your copy at all, it's best if you could tell us who's it for and what reaction you want your readers to have (inform, sign up, etc)
I still have no clue about the type of watches you are trying to sell and to whom.

Here's a screenshot of the sample wrist watches he gave me: http://puu.sh/pxJUx/69118a551a.jpg They're really just random watches he thought would work well.

I don't think he has a defined audience, and I've never asked how he was going to advertise his store. I figured it was an About Us page, so the audience would want to know more about the store, if they can trust them, and what offers they're giving, possibly, how to contact them. They're probably the average 18-35 year old, both male and female, from anywhere (most likely the US, English-speaking). I avoided stating any offers at first, because I thought they'd be plastered all over the site anyways, and I didn't want the store to look like just another watch store trying to me-too with free shipping/refunds.

 

[Thiago Machado]

How do you know the different types of copywriting? Call me dumb, but I'd never heard of agency copywriting before. Even Google gives me a bad explanation of the types of copywriting. I have no clarity or knowledge of things like this. I mean, I can understand the difference in the aims, but I've never heard specific labels for them.

Most copywriting done by advertising agencies have the purpose of developing a positive image of their clients in the public's eyes.

Think of Coca Cola's copy.

Coca Cola is not trying to make you take any immediate action. Instead, they are trying to create brand awareness; make you remember who they are and associate a series of positive feelings when you see their brand in an ad.

There are four stages of customer engagement in an ad / campaign —awareness, consideration, decision-making/purchase and post-purchase

Notice that in the Coca Cola ad, they are not trying to sell you anything. Hence, no salesy copy. Therefore, these guys are only trying to boost their awareness.

Now direct response copywriting (which I am assuming is what you are associating with as being "salesy") Is when your copy has the goal of achieving a specific response. Whether that be a sign up, call, click, purchase, appointment, reply, etc.

So to sum things up for you:​

Agency / Brand Copywriting

• Produce clever, funny, and entertaining advertising.
• Spend a small fortune on media placement so the ads are pretty much everywhere.
• Hope that people react positively to them and flock into stores and restaurants to enjoy the product.

The problem: “pure” branding ads NEVER have a measurable call to action.


Direct Response

• Produce advertising with one goal: persuade someone to take a specific action that leads to a sale.
• Direct response advertising is measurable. It’s accountable.

For more information, check out these 2 articles. They should help.

http://kopywritingkourse.com/how-to-become-a-copywriter/
https://blog.crazyegg.com/2013/06/06/direct-response-versus-branding/

 

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