Frustrations and Life: Stuck in the Slowlane

[JasonR]

I don't expect to get much response from this thread, nor do I expect validation. I just needed a medium to vent (and perhaps, something to look back on).

Today is just one of those days. I'm typically a happy, motivated person. Looking back, for most of my life I've been stuck in the slow lane. Get good grades, go to college, get a job. W-t-f!

Straight out of college, I knew the corporate work-until-you-die life isn't for me. I wanted freedom, and I wanted to be very successful. So, I started my first venture. It failed. I lost about $20,000. I could go over all of the reasons it failed, but I've been over them before. The biggest reason, in my opinion, is that it was a limited idea and always had a strong cap of how far I could really take it. The second part, is I wasn't willing to put in and sacrifice to make it work (I didn't realize how much sacrifice starting a business would take. The third was working with a partner.

Also, at this time, I didn't have a job as I had some cash reserves. This was really poor judgment on my part. So, I ran out of money, had to move back up North, and got a job.

I've already detailed my second failure (although it never got off the ground) in my e-commerce thread.

Fast forward to today, and I realize why being in the slowlane sucks. Lack of control of your life, future, income, living situation, and more. I moved into a new place, the landlord (who lives there) is really controlling and telling me I can't cook past 8:30, etc. I've been working on my business at home, and I almost can't stand to be there lately. I realized I have no control in this situation but to move to another place. Well, looked at places online and realized I don't really like living with other people all that much, especially if I don't know them. I can't really afford a place on my own (rent is expensive in California). So, definitely, the slowlane is about a lack of control and I'm definitely realizing that now.

Also, I know people that make less money with me that have a motorcycle, nice car, and a house. I have no idea how they afford it (lots of debt?). Maybe, I don't know, but I need to get out of the rat trap.

Furthermore, my day job is moving and making my commute of 45 minutes to an hour instead of 15 minutes. Also, I don't particularly like working with some of the people at my company, and I don't get paid all that well. Yes, I am CHOOSING to work there, so I can't complain about it. Again, lack of control in the slow lane. I don’t want to waste time by looking for another slowlane job, but I also don’t want to drive and take up more of my day for my current job. Shit, I should just get a night job as a bartender or something!

Also, I’m dating this girl, and I’m not really sure where it’s going or if I’m wasting my time with her. I just don’t know, but I certainly know I don’t really have the time to put in dating anyone else for finding a new girl, or even if I should care about getting laid or companionship at this point in my life.

And, I’ve lost a little confidence in my “fastlane†business project, so the wind has been taken out of my sails a little bit. I just don’t know what to do. I’m sure everyone has days/weeks like this, but goddamn, this sucks. Sometimes I think well maybe I should take the easy way out and work for a living, but then I remember how unhappy I would be, and I’d have to be someone else’s slave for the next 30 years. F*ck that!

I just want control over my life, destiny, and income. I don’t want to top out at some income level, or trade my weekdays for weekends and a 401k. Again, I’m not looking for sympathy. I just needed to vent and put some thoughts down on paper.

 

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[1PercentStreet]

If you want control, then control your life. Simple as that. I said simple, not easy.

 

[Rawr]

Shit, I should just get a night job as a bartender or something!

There is no ought, should, could. Will you, or will you not?

 

[miked_d]

I feel your pain (empathy, not sympathy). I had a week from hell about 3 weeks ago myself.

I won't tell you what to do, but will tell you how I deal with that stuff.

Housing is expensive in LA. I live in a guest house (converted garage). I have lived with others before and know it is not for me. I gladly pay a little extra to live by myself. One piece of advice, if you rent from a homeowner, make sure the house is not in foreclosure (or already foreclosed). It happened to me.

My daily commute is about an hour each way also. I like music. Even with traffic, if I have my iPod full of tunes, all is well. Other people listen to audio books. I also make personal calls while sitting in traffic. Mom doesn't care if I am sitting in traffic on the 405, she is happy I called. Can you do something productive or something that elevates your mood while driving?

 

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[biophase]

I've already detailed my second failure (although it never got off the ground) in my e-commerce thread.

Did you give up on this already? That's not even a failure in my eyes, it didn't even ever get a chance. I didn't go through the whole thread but were you selling a product or a service?

 

[PatrickP]

To me you sound about EXACTLY where you should be if you are on the path to doing anything and everything to have a business which can bring in enough money to quite your job and get into the fast lane.


Change everything negative in your post to positive and I would say it was written by someone who will work for someone else the rest of his life.

With change comes high stress IMO.


The sort of angst, and hate you have is what will keep you on your journey towards the independence you are seeking.

I still have and use the pen with the name of the last company I worked for where I LOATHED my boss. It is a reminder to the pain I experienced which I am now so thankful for. Without that boss I seriously wonder if I would now have the life I live.

 

[socaldude]

"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters."
-Epictetus

One of my favorite quotes.

Life can really suck sometimes. I think we have all been there. We have all goofed up.

As overrated and cliche and worn out this maybe: attitude is everything. The reason its so important is because this so called "game of life" is all played out in your head.

I know I have been there. I got super grumpy, I had really negative emotions, I would start looking for external things to blame. Things were not going my way. The way I dealt with this was to screw with the cognitive behavior model; I would just be happy right now, put a smile on face right now, I would start to feel good about myself, I would go for a hike and take a big breath of fresh air and hear the birds chirp and say to myself: "hey life really isn't that bad"

Take a step back from everything. Go for a walk. Or a hike. Take a break from all the chaos.

 

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[JasonR]

Thanks for the responses. Something jumped out to mein almost every response.

Biophase: I was referring to a project I was working on that I mentioned in my e-commerce thread, not my current project. My current project is selling goods, in what I believe to be an underserved niche. While I still think there's room out there, I'm starting to have doubts. That's probably normal, but it makes it frustrating to move forward.

 

[The-J]

Welcome to the desert of desertion. There's no bars, no stores, not even so much as a toilet out here. Good thing you have shoes: you can walk through it! No bike or car could traverse this place and camels are too smart to be here. Don't try to run: you'll die faster.

It's lonely here. Dry. Dirty sand. Not so much as a cactus or a spring out here. Water doesn't exist. Food doesn't exist. Shelter? Forget it. Nothing but the blistering hot days and the freezing cold nights with the clothes on your back. You see nothing but the shadows of your doubts and the burn of your failures.

When you scream, nobody hears you. Your screams will echo ad infinitum and get stuck in your head as you try to pound them out.

And death? It's a real threat. Most people die out here, their bones buried underneath the sand.

The worst part of this whole thing? You may walk this desert multiple times before you reach that shiny oasis with the clean water and the beautiful palm trees. You probably already have.

Sorry, I have nothing motivating to share with you. I just wanted to write this cuz 1) it sounded cool and 2) i can relate. Good luck.

 

[faromic]

I've also been there. That feeling of despair comes and goes. Sounds cliche but when I get down like this and want to get I'll sometimes think about how bad others have it in 3rd world countries, such as Haiti or Somalia, with poor living conditions. If I look at it this way and my worst fear of working at a job the rest of my life are realized, it doesn't seem so bad. It just puts my feelings of hopelessness in perspective.

 

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[theag]

Welcome to the desert of desertion. There's no bars, no stores, not even so much as a toilet out here. Good thing you have shoes: you can walk through it! No bike or car could traverse this place and camels are too smart to be here. Don't try to run: you'll die faster.

It's lonely here. Dry. Dirty sand. Not so much as a cactus or a spring out here. Water doesn't exist. Food doesn't exist. Shelter? Forget it. Nothing but the blistering hot days and the freezing cold nights with the clothes on your back. You see nothing but the shadows of your doubts and the burn of your failures.

When you scream, nobody hears you. Your screams will echo ad infinitum and get stuck in your head as you try to pound them out.

And death? It's a real threat. Most people die out here, their bones buried underneath the sand.

The worst part of this whole thing? You may walk this desert multiple times before you reach that shiny oasis with the clean water and the beautiful palm trees. You probably already have.

Sorry, I have nothing motivating to share with you. I just wanted to write this cuz 1) it sounded cool and 2) i can relate. Good luck.

I like your writing style!

 

[Lights]

If you don't change your attitude, you'll never be where you want to be. If you have to be willing to die for the riches (not literally), but it has to be the most important thing. The fastlane needs to be a second to whatever religion you belong to, and if you're atheist, then it needs to be the bible.

Most self made millionaires dream the impossible, and make it possible. It comes at the cost of your soul, when you wake up tomorrow morning you need to be thinking about your "product", it needs to be all you think about, it needs to consume you with a passion like air. Not water, but air. Don't think about the wealth, but think about what cause the wealth.

You're not going to get lucky at this, assume the worse, and make it happen. Failure is a risk you take, and enjoy. You get high off of failure, since that means you'll get closer to the goal point. It's better to waste 10 yrs of your life to be a millionaire then to waste 40 yrs never enjoying life. If it takes that long.

It shouldn't take that long though if you find a true need. And once you find that need go with it.

 

[JAJT]

I have no idea how they afford it (lots of debt?)

Yes.

You have no idea how much debt families will take on and think it's normal. I know people, family included, who believe debt is normal. Part of life. "Everyone has debt" they say. They don't look at the total amount, the live and die by the minimum requirement payment every month. $20,000 doesn't seem like much debt when it only costs you $100 per month to carry at 6% interest.

Look around you - almost every nice thing you see is paid for with debt. It's so rare for the middle and lower class to be debt-free that you can almost bet with 100% certainty that all nice things you see are purchased with borrowed money. If you assume everyone is spending like they shouldn't you'll be right a LOT more often than you are wrong.

Furthermore, my day job...[sucks]

Look for a job closer to home. Just make the move - you'll upset a lot of people and maybe make less money but you'll gain time and happiness. Even if happiness doesn't go up the time savings would be worth it. Going from 45 min to 15 min per day saves you 2.5 hours a week, 10 hours per month, 5 days per year. Moving closer to home just gave you 5 days "vacation".

lso, I’m dating this girl, and I’m not really sure where it’s going

You never marry the girl you're unsure of. Trust me. If she's a frustration or stressor in your life - drop her. It's not fair to her anyway to keep her around for no definite purpose. You'll be happier in the long run.

I just want control over my life, destiny, and income.

If you do today what you did yesterday your tomorrow will look a lot like today. Change something if you want change. Change usually doesn't fall into our laps.

All the best man - I know the feeling. Trust me, I say these words a lot easier than I live them. Good advice and the correct answer is always easy to find. Doing it is quite another beast.

 

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[CTamme]

I hear you man. It is tough to carry on sometimes when things look bleak. You can't stop though because that is what the guy in the cubicle next to you did. He just gave up and accepted his position. Never give up. Step back and regroup. Look at what you have done and assess your situation.

I felt lost yesterday. I was looking at what it will take for me to complete the book I am working on. After doing the math I figured it will take me ~3 months just to get everything down on paper and then probably another 3 months for to edit it, 3 months to get it proofread and reviewed and another 3 months to try and get it published or publish it myself. I am sure MJ can tell me if my numbers are off or not but I figure that is a bare minimum. I don't even want to start on the issues I have run into trying to get a business off the ground.

In the end I always remember that if it was easy then everyone would do it.

 

[St.Alpine]

The worst part of this whole thing? You may walk this desert multiple times before you reach that shiny oasis with the clean water and the beautiful palm trees. You probably already have.

Everybody has been there.
If it would be easy, everybody would do it.

I've been there. Believe me, tomorrow you
wake up after a good nights sleep, take a good step forward
and you will recognizes yesterday as just another of these misfits
that come along every now and then.
It's normal.

Imagine a map with tight road sections you have to move through
to get to your destination. Building a business is not different.
Looking at the map you see these narrow sections,
and when you hit them, remind yourself that they are part of your journey.

That's how I see it.
Additional to that, what I do is, with every roadblock, more and more people
drop out of the race and move back to the slow lane. The further you travel,
the fewer the competition is.
I see bottlenecks as opportunities to get ahead.

 

[JasonR]

Update: Landlord sent me a text saying I have 15 days to move out. Wow. I'm not even there 80% of the time, and have always been a good tenant. W-t-f!

Onward. I have to stop complaining and start acting. Comfort creates complacency. Thank you all for the advice, it has helped, my attitude is changing towards all this crap!

 

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[miked_d]

Landlord sent me a text saying I have 15 days to move out.

Do you have a lease? Most boilerplate leases say 30 days notice.

 

[JasonR]

Yes, it's a month to month lease. I have a feeling she's going to try and keep my deposit as well (apparently she kept her last tenant's deposit). Lesson learned: when you have bad signs and a negative gut feeling about renting a place, listen, and don't do it. There were warning signs that I just didn't see.

 

[miked_d]

Check the lease. There is going to be a section about notice. It is usually the same for both parties.

Do you have records for deposit? This is probably listed on lease as well. Do some research online. It really only takes a few phone calls to make a landlord's life difficult.

I will share my current situation. The home I rent from was foreclosed on in June of 2011. I moved in Aug 15, 2012. About 1.5 months later, the "homeowner" informed the other tenant that we would have to move soon due to foreclosure. The other tenant told me the next morning. Of course we were both freaking out.

Research and talking to different state agencies showed that the other tenant and myself are OK for now. The foreclosing bank MUST give us 90 days notice to get out (or pay us to leave sooner). The foreclosing bank is not collecting rent and I am not paying the "homeowner." I am saving the money I would have paid towards rent for moving-in costs to the next place.

My point? As a renter, there are lots of laws protecting you.

 

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[JasonR]

So if I have to be out by the 15, I'm going to tell her my deposit can be used as the 1/2 of this month's rent (it's about half the rent anyways). I just don't trust her with rent and my deposit.

And I want as little drama as possible.

 

[miked_d]

I was going to suggest that but didn't know if it would work for you.

Unless it is a really small deposit, why not follow up with a few phone calls mentioning you talked to the "Nasty Landlords" Authority?

 

[JasonR]

I live in a house that she owns - not sure what authority there is? The deposit is about $390 - $100 over a half month's rent.

 

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[JAJT]

Great move with the rent/deposit.

I would personally also invite her over to inspect the place regarding your deposit. Basically say "Hey, I want to make sure we are on the same page regarding the condition of the unit so I have time to remedy any issues before departing".

If she says your place looks good (or blows excuses up your a$$) - tell her to keep the deposit and give her the remaining as planned.
If she has legit issues - fix them.

This makes you seem like the good guy in the event of a dispute though. Rather than saying "too bad" and leaving you can at least say you initiated an attempt to review and came to an impasse before "stiffing" her.

 

[miked_d]

I live in a house that she owns - not sure what authority there is? The deposit is about $390 - $100 over a half month's rent.

It sounds like the homeowner is trying to take advantage of you. There are laws to protect you. What city do you live in?

 

[JasonR]

PMed you.

I don't know if I want to stir up any more problems. I think the best decision is to get out, let her keep the half of rent with the deposit money, and not look back.

 

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[miked_d]

Rentals fall under the Department of Consumer Affairs (DCA) in CA.

They have a PDF (Landlord/Tenant) which lists rights and responsibilities. A quick peek looks like 30 day minimum but I didn't study it.

There is more info on the US Dept of Housing and Urban Development's (HUD) tenant right's page.

Inform yourself and then decide.

If you want to be a pain in the butt, get an obnoxious dog and claim it is a "service pet." Service pets are protected under CA law no matter what the landlord or their lease says.

 

[JasonR]

Thanks for the help - checking into it. I'm also checking into bartending school for a night job.

 

[JAJT]

bartending school for a night job.

Go hit up some bars, count the number of guys working behind them. Consider yourself very fortunate if the answer is anything above "0".

I had a buddy go to school for bartending. He was pretty damn good at it by the end. He then went applying for jobs and meeting owners and they all told him the same thing: They are only hiring women because women sell more drinks. Skill had nothing to do with it.

I worked with another guy who moonlit as a bartender. Only way he was able to get any gigs was by being a guy they could call last minute to fill in for absent staff. He told me the same thing - it's almost impossible for a guy to get a job behind a bar.

Before you apply to a bartending school, go do some recon. Maybe your area is more fortunate than where I am.

 

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[JasonR]

Really? I definitely see more women bartenders (for obvious reasons), but have a cousin who's a guy who made good money working 3-4 nights a week (not fastlane money, but 9-5 job money). You're right, I should investigate this a little further before I hop on the bandwagon and do it.

I just want something that can cover me during the nights freeing up my days to work on my own thing.

 

[KevMoDee]

Stripclub DJ.