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HOT TOPIC Dealing with porn and other addictions

Bramxq

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Oct 24, 2017
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in my opinion you should get deep into yourself why are you watching so much porn. What do you feel when the temptation is rising? Are you stressed? Do you feel insecure? You're probably using at as a temporary escape from reality like people do with drugs/alcohol/videogame addiction etc.
 

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ZF Lee

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One of those weird cosplay conventions should be close enough.
Instagram news feeds are also disturbingly going to that angle, even though I never sub such accounts.

Turning the lights out on my Insta account once and for all should be a good idea, if not for my need to spy on other businesses' marketing using Insta...
 

Mattie

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Sounds like you are adventurer, explorer, and perhaps just finding a career which allows you to travel and explore may be your preferred work. I there are many careers which give you this opportunity. You'd just have to do some research. Truck driving for example takes you all over the place for different venues, entertainment, and business world wide. Many medical staff travel around the world and help others. There is underwater exploration. There is environmental careers which explore all kinds of scientific research.

It's finding where you can use it for your advantage instead of trying to eliminate it.
 

ProcessPro

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Read Self-directed behavior by David Watson. It's a scientific textbook about changing your own behavior.

I'm most successful with handling porn when I:
1) Get creative and block it. I once started locking my router power cord whenever my fiance left for work to block my internet. She left with the key. When she returned, we'd unblock it. Once she's home I'd never watch porn. I did this long enough until the habit in my second point below became strong enough:
2) I find replacements. i.e. I masturbate to orgasm as well when I watch, and that's the reward my brain really is after. If I feel really tempted to watch porn, I might just go masturbate while fantasizing about my fiance and once I climax, the urge goes.

I'm not perfect and it's a life long battle, but I'm definitely doing far better than when I was in my teens, and it became a daily habit.

Seriously, if there is any great scientific source of information concerning behavior change, it's that book above. I've read alot of self help books and psychobabble, tried different things and they didn't work long. I am still working on putting that text above into practice, but the amount of science referenced in it persuades me that it's trustworthy. Good luck.
 

Cvince

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Best of luck with overcoming this.

Side Note: Can somebody tell me how to hide this thread off my main page?
 

Primeperiwinkle

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In the same boat with media addiction but I don’t ever go totally broke, anymore. It’s annoying af. I used to have a HIGHLY addictive personality too, read romance novels like five a week. Everybody jumps on men for pornography addiction. Nobody ever says women have it too. We do. It’s called crappy books on kindle.

I have emotional wounds. Addiction is medication for broken hearts. I have purged over and over again from crappy books, crappy apps, crappy relationships. It’s a process.

I go forward three steps, back two, self-sabotage to a certain degree. I don’t know how to be comfortable with success. I don’t know how to identify as a Successful Person. I don’t know how to get rid of my internal discomfort when I’m being believed in.

I tend to fight that, a lot.

Issues. Man. We all got issues.

The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks talks about how our internal comfort level guides us. If you’re only comfortable being a loser, you’ll grow for a bit but then lower your life to resonate or match with your beliefs. Losers CAN’T be successful, right?

We gotta change that.

It’s an identity thing. Truly.

So.. my plan is weird but.. I think it’s working?? Meh, let’s hope for the best. Lol.

1. Surround yourself with successful ppl who have excellent morals and healthy relationships.

2. Get pissed at all your self-pity. Rage makes us move, apathy sucks energy.

3. Just say F*ck it. We’re gonna be uncomfortable! We’re gonna have imposter syndrome. We’re gonna NEVER feel like we belong. Ok. Who cares? Do it anyway.

4. Write your future self a letter. Be specific about what your self-sabotaging has cost you. Yell at your future self for being an a**hole if you do it again. Tell your future self how much you believe in him. He’s gonna be better. Keep that letter somewhere safe.

5. Set alarms on your calendar, for months in advance. You’re gonna hit your limit again and start self-sabotaging. When you do, read the letter.

6. Come back to the forum and keep asking questions. You’re not the only one screwing up, repeatedly.

7. FIND A HEALTHY REWARD. Find something, anything that actually makes you happy as a Producer instead of a consumer.

HTH. Praying for ya dude. Loneliness sucks. So much.
 

Sadik

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Addiction is a filler. When in your subconscious, you have this empty feeling, you want to distract yourself away. You can turn to several things to fill this emptiness. Some turn to alcohol, some to drugs, some to porn, some to television, video games, fantasy movies.

Porn is easily available, provides instant gratification and there are triggers everywhere. Our habits are a cycle of trigger, activity, reward. We are triggered by something which makes us do the activity because we want the reward. Unfortunately, our modern society has commercialised women's bodies to such an extent that triggers are everywhere. Ads, billboards, movies, tv etc all plant the trigger in your head and you then want to turn to the activity.

To overcome porn addiction, two things need to happen. One, you need to find and understand the underlying cause of emptiness within you. You said you can work really well in sprints. This is a sign of you being a highly functional individual. But your environment, your current situation in life may not be what you desire it to be. This causes dissonance and you want to disconnect. This is true for most people. To really resolve this, the only way out is to really "find your focus". I think there's a brilliant thread about that on this forum somewhere. You really have to understand, know yourself. What is it that you want, what are your core beliefs? Until you can at least begin to understand your deep wants, you will never get rid of the emptiness which you fill with porn. You can externally fight it, but it will keep coming back which is your experience.

After you begin to find your focus, your core beliefs, your deep desires, second thing is to understand habits. Habits are formed regardless of whether we are conscious of them or not. So it's best to get conscious of them. Charles Duhigg has a very good book about it, "The power of habits". Essentially, the main point is that you have to learn to identify triggers and to be conscious when you have been triggered. So you need to have a Big brother type camera in your head on yourself where you constantly evaluate why you are thinking / feeling / doing something that you are. It's like you are both the active doer and observer of your actions at the same time. Tim Ferris talks about this in his podcast with Naval Ravikant. I recommend listening to that episode. Replace your habits with other positive habits. which work on achieving your deep desires, want and in activities you will enjoy.

Another point is about the guilt. Guilt is a slippery slope. You do something that you believe is wrong, then you blame yourself feeling so very bad about yourself, this causes low self esteem, then you give up and delve deeper into the guilty activity. And at the end you are so deep into the shit that you just hate yourself. This is the story of addicts. The only way out of this slippery slope, contrary to what you may think, is to forgive yourself. To go easy on yourself. Tell yourself that, ok I made a mistake but it's not the end of the world, just a lost small battle in the larger war. So drop that low self talk, forgive yourself and don't make your mistakes your identity. It's all only in your head.

Finally, I can vouch to you that it can be done. Porn addiction CAN be broken. But no one will be able to do it for you. You have to do it yourself. Seek help, counsel if you need.
 

Longinus

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In the same boat with media addiction but I don’t ever go totally broke, anymore. It’s annoying af. I used to have a HIGHLY addictive personality too, read romance novels like five a week. Everybody jumps on men for pornography addiction. Nobody ever says women have it too. We do. It’s called crappy books on kindle.
Romantic fiction is porn for women, also doing more harm than good.
 

bingnanxu

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Bro, years ago i use to be around the same, but instead getting addicted to video games, one of the only way to change a habits is to replace it
 

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Atma

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Here's my two cents brother.

Pron is the elephant in the room.
The rush that one gets from Pron is unatural and gives a crazy high.

Nothing in life is free. So if you believe that then why is pron free?
It's not. It's created to destroy mens confidence, increase divorce, etc. and is doing a very good job if you ask me.

What I have found helpful is to ***"add"*** positive activites until the desire natually subsides.

1.) Go on 1 hour walks everyday outdoors. (no headphones, sunglasses, appreciate the nature, sounds)
2.) Join a gym for the sauna. Sit in the sauna for about 20 minutes daily. (please drink water while inside; I had a near heat stoke with a headache that lasted two days due to lack of water)
A portable suana is a great alternative with hella good reviews on youtube Relax Far Infrared Saunas of Momentum98

3.) Getting inside very cold water like the famous Wim Holf.
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4K64XnJU4Ac

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvfpDr-GL9I


On homedepot.com check out the Maytag freezers, they seem pretty good too.

4.) cold showers daily

5.) "Journal" everyday about your goals

6.) Read a book for 15-30 minutes daily

7.) Depending on how healthy/mentally strong/ you are, you may want to try going on either a dry fast, juice fast (avoid pure apple juice #Diabetes) water fast, or raw vegan fast for 24-36 hours once a week. This can help in a number of ways (hint: it's easier to start the fast at 8pm, so the next day you can break it and have a light dinner. How one breaks the fast is very important.

8.) PMO obviously breaks a mans determination. Although here's something that's still not appreciated but it's better. MO is better than PMO, what I mean by that is that it's better to just wipe one out "WITHOUT" watching P. The P is the most addicting part this whole thing that hurts are soul and wires in the brain the most.

9.) Side note: There's a difference between O and E. Most of us in the West think it's the same thing. The O is what most are after, and the E happens right after. Experiencing the E is simply a huge energy loss and should never happen unless trying for a child. As soon as one reaches the point of no return and feels the O coming, they can tighten that muscle downstairs and the body will still experience the O but not a drop of fluid will come out of the body; if done correctly it won't even be in the urine when you pee. Again, as soon as one feels the O coming tighten the butt cheeks as firm as possible. This method is found on google and should be practiced for 30 days or less to get it down. In this way the body will still lose a certain type of prana through the O, but since the white pee is contained, the energy loss I would say is more like 2.5 instead of a full 10 out of 10. Hence you're not as exausted.

10.) Meditation. Bhakti Yoga, Hathya Yoga, etc. Sri-Asana, or the headstand is known as the king of all asanas, but this can take practice and is very dangerous and can hurt the neck seriously if not done correctly.

Kapal Bhati helps clear the mind as well.
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSP9BfZ75EY


11.) *Drinking half the bodies weight in ounces of water daily

12.) Have a green smoothie every day.
i.e. Water, banana, with a Green base: kale, spinach, etc.
Mila Chia seeds (Mila can be found on ebay for about $37 a bag) Superior to the average chia seeds.
 
OP
OP
W

WhatsMyName

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May 6, 2019
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Thanks again to the additional comments.

Posting an update to add to the search engine and archives for others. Otherwise, I won't bump the thread too often since I doubt the forum owner wants to see a topic like this plastered all over the place.

I read Atomic Habits and definitely recommend it. It's too early to say if I have formed the right habits and kicked the bad ones, but I haven't really looked at porn since last Wednesday. My productivity is good as well. I made a couple changes that might seem tiny, but they definitely helped.

1) I removed the Chrome (browser) shortcut from my desktop, start menu, and unpinned it from the taskbar.
2) I pinned the software I use for my current work instead to the taskbar.
3) I made my work software automatically run when I boot up my computer. So as soon as I turn it on, my last bit of work appears in front of me.

Obviously, I can still run Chrome easily if I really want to, but the above alone has made me far more productive and prevented me from going into porn (or other distractions).

The thing is, I actually enjoy my work and can get "addicted" to it as well, but if I get into "porn mode" it's hard to shift back into "work mode". A few minutes of browsing will turn into 5-6 hours of wasted time. I can't quit/control it, hence the addiction.

So the little changes above funnel me straight into work, and once I start, since I do enjoy my work, I get into "work mode". My overall desire to look at porn has decreased as well. If it's late at night and I've done my work for the day, I don't feel the need to go searching for anything. I actually tried once and got bored. I would rather think about other projects.

I think I have some understanding of what drives my porn (and video game, mindless surfing) addictions. It might be a bit different from others, but I'm not really motivated by loneliness or hurt, necessarily.

Rather, it's all about freedom and fear.

I grew up with very strict parents, and all I did was focus on schoolwork and extracurricular activities to get into the best college I could. Even at college, I did nothing but work and didn't spend any time partying or hanging out. I started hanging out a bit much later as I got older, dating, that sort of stuff, but I always felt like I missed out on the prime years of my life. My first job sucked in that I had terrible working conditions, easily 80+ hours a week without exaggeration. The boss would call me up on a weekend at 1am and expect to talk about something that came up. I would get one day notice to cancel personal plans and fly out to deal with something. Stupid shit like that. To top it all off, the rewards for all my years of hard work were utter shit, too, if I'm putting it into proper perspective (slowlane).

Basically, I felt like I had no control over my life.

So whenever I could, wasting huge amounts of time on porn or video games was my way of taking control back. If I could have the freedom to kill time by doing anything I want, even something as pointless as porn for 16 hours a day, yeah, that was proof that I was free, damn it. (Yeah, I did spend that many hours of porn when I was younger. These days, not as much, but it's still a problem interfering with my "professional" life by holding it back.) I was basically compensating for my strict upbringing and shitty early adult years of zero fun and being a slave to school or work.

Couple that with my fear of death, yeah, death. I can tell that I'm getting older. You know - your body is not quite what it used to be, you get more responsibilities (aging parents, funerals, kids, relatives, whatever is going on, you older people know). It's like I'm losing control again in many ways. Porn to me is the expression of my FOMO.

I'm afraid of wasting the remaining years of my life shackled to "what I have to do" when I could be experiencing the most "pleasure" or freedom, whatever that means. I wasted the first half of my life by pursuing all work and no play, and part of me absolutely abhors the thought of repeating that. I don't want to give up the possibility of experiencing some pleasure and freedom now, now, now, because my life is ticking away and "now" is all I have.

I KNOW my long-term happiness and freedom will be greater if I get my shit together, but a part of me still doesn't believe it. It's scared of giving up my freedom again in pursuit of work and little rewards. I'm afraid of making sacrifices for no pleasure.

I think the counter to that is filling up my life with things I do enjoy, and the less intense but more steady "pleasure" can compensate for those brief but extreme dopamine spikes from porn. I enjoy working on projects, launching them, and so on. And I should find a few healthy hobbies or other things I enjoy to keep me busy in my down time.

It's hard for me to work steady, but I'm learning as I get older that it's impossible to go 100% all the time. I'll just burn out and end up in another addiction cycle. So I have to somehow teach myself to go for CONSISTENCY and not EXTREME PERFORMANCE. I'm geared to want to overclock, overwork, aim for 200%...but that's clearly not working as my average performance over long periods of time is worse than someone else who just puts in a decent effort every single day.

I think the following is what I've really learned and internalized in the past couple of days:

1) It will take a shitload of work to succeed.

That seems obvious, but for me, I can fairly objectively state that while I work hard, in a way, I never had to STRUGGLE to succeed within my "workspace". Like it's not hard for me to learn a new programming language, or launch a product and get sales. But if I am blessed in that aspect, I am cursed in my inability to focus and be consistent.
So I will have to work my a$$ off to get my head straight. I really liked the idea behind Atomic Habits of constantly trying to make small improvements. To putting all that energy into continual self-improvement.
If someone else has to spend one year of nail-biting misery and lost cash to find a profitable niche, well, I will have to spend a year of as much pain and suffering, maybe even more, trying to develop consistently good working habits. That seems fair.
I'm going to have work my a$$ off, in a different, embarrassing way to succeed. Feels kind of stupid or almost like a handicap, but this is what I need to do.
Every day, I need to work hard to make sure I am on the right path, whether that is working on my habits, reviewing my systems/environment, or brainstorming more ways to give myself better odds.

2) I can change my mind

Again, this might be obvious, but it really isn't to me or someone stuck in a pattern of addiction or destructive behavior.

I really, really liked Atomic Habits and the idea of tweaking whatever you can to give yourself the best chance of following good habits and ditching bad ones.

It gives me a concrete, actionable plan. I don't have to just say "work hard!" "Stop that!" I can comb over my life and figure out how to guide my mind into a different place. I gave the examples above with my Windows icons. Small and stupid, but it worked.

It's about how to use my mind when I'm rational, all that great energy, motivation, brainpower, to help my mind when I'm being irrational and weak. It's almost as if I'm two different people, but I need to accept this situation, and try to let my better half help my worse half. My gut feeling is that this is the key.

***

I'm very grateful to those of you who took the time to offer your input, some of you typing out very thoughtful, extended replies.

In many ways, this forum can be another waste of time, and those of you with your shit together could have spared yourself the time answering me to spend it on your own work or personal lives instead.

I can't guarantee anything, but I will try to make sure that the care you put into your replies will not be wasted. I'll try to beat this problem back. But if I ever get my shit together, I do guarantee that I will be paying it forward as you have done. Thank you again, all.
 

Kevin88660

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I searched for porn addiction on this forum and only found two threads that weren't particularly relevant, so forgive me if I missed something.

I need help and advice. I have an addictive personality, mostly to porn, but occasionally to video games or internet surfing.

The thing is, I KNOW that I can build something bigger if I could get my head straight, but I always end up sabotaging myself.

For example, I will work on a project for 2-3 months, make a good chunk of money, then get stuck on addictions for the next 6 months. It's not like I'm even traveling, enjoying new hobbies, or whatever during those 6 months. I'm being a lazy a$$ surfing porn or playing games all day, getting fat to boot.

I have a long history with this. I'm self-employed at the moment, but when I was in the workforce, I basically worked insanely hard for 1-2 years to get a great job, then coasted for another 5-6 years doing the bare minimum once I got that job.

Whenever I bust my a$$, things work out, but I can't stay on track for long. I always end up losing motivation or getting distracted. The next time I have to start from scratch again.

I started a new project at the end of last year that was an amazing success, surprising even me. But then I loafed around for the next four months. I'm tired of this cycle, and I've tried to break it before, but I keep going back to the same old shit.

Has anyone else been in the same boat? How did you deal with your addiction, whether porn or something else? Any advice specifically for porn/sex addicts?

Yeah, I know, I should be able to just "stop it" and grow up, be a man. But I can't. I'm weak, a loser. Maybe I'm defective. How do I get stronger?
Try install web filter on your pc and phone.

I am a food addict and I do not keep food in fridge.

Whenever I stop counting calories I tend to eat more than what I should.

I signed up for gym membership and force myself to exercise.
 

handog

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You do have to find the root cause and then come up with several ways to learn how to best combat it.

I think education is the best way to start shining the light on the problem. There's a book called "The Fantasy Bond" that talks about the root of how issues start and can develop into a myriad of problems for people, ranging from alcoholism to all other kinds of addictions.

It's a dense book, but the profound realizations it brings can be very helpful. Then use any tools you have to get into better habits.
 
Last edited:

MoreVolume

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Find a way to make money off of porn. Thats what I did
 

Roli

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The Chimp Paradox is incredibly powerful. I got the book on Saturday and it has already given me a couple of dozen aha! moments.

You just need to control your inner chimp, and the book will guide you as to how to do that.
 

vitality11

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OK
I have not read the whole thread but want to contribute a little.

Whether it's videos/video games/too much youtube/etc. all of this is an addiction. Because your brain gets the high enough stimulation from it rather than reading a good book or doing fastlane work. So how do we make the brain enjoy simpler activities that will benefit us?

I'd advise some L-Tyrosine and 5-HTP. L-Tyrosine specifically but they work well together.
1000mg of L-Tyrosine daily.

L-Tyrosine to help you repair your neuroreceptors.
When you overstimulate them, they close (like an eyelid when it's too sunny outside) --- that then leads a person to look for something even more stimulation. Like a vicious cycle you become more numb to the things that used to excite you. So how do you get to restore them? L-Tyrosine will speed up restoring them.
 

Siddhartha

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Addiction is a life-experience I'm happy to have in that it gives me something to fight, and something to be wary of; you can't settle too much if your worst-self is dressed like Jason Vorhees trying to stick you with a knife more suited to separating whole cows than murder.
For me it's been a battle, but somehow, but knowing that I have to get somewhere and that I can't go there if I keep the baggage, I just started unleashing blows. Success through iteration and paring down.
Despite being young and prone to lack of inhibition, I've managed to have 3 major victories when in overcoming addictions so far, but there's still room to go.
Some examples:

1. Awful Carbs everyday > high quality carbs > limited carbs > carbs every few days > Zerocarb/Carnivore

2. Play video games every day for 6-7 hours > Play in the evenings after coming back from classes > play once or twice a week > Play only when I'm smashed and my friends hit me up for it > watching youtube as a new way to procrastinate > Cutting out youtube by reading and journaling

3. Drinking 3-4 times a week > drinking on weekends > Drinking socially > realizing that drinking burns your time, makes you feel awful, and can mess with my ability to be in ketosis and be immaculately healthy

I have a couple others I'm working on right now like waking up around 4am daily and doing the miracle morning, can't wait to see what else I will accomplish as time goes on.
 

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ChrisV

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alekssiht

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I searched for porn addiction on this forum and only found two threads that weren't particularly relevant, so forgive me if I missed something.

I need help and advice. I have an addictive personality, mostly to porn, but occasionally to video games or internet surfing.

The thing is, I KNOW that I can build something bigger if I could get my head straight, but I always end up sabotaging myself.

For example, I will work on a project for 2-3 months, make a good chunk of money, then get stuck on addictions for the next 6 months. It's not like I'm even traveling, enjoying new hobbies, or whatever during those 6 months. I'm being a lazy a$$ surfing porn or playing games all day, getting fat to boot.

I have a long history with this. I'm self-employed at the moment, but when I was in the workforce, I basically worked insanely hard for 1-2 years to get a great job, then coasted for another 5-6 years doing the bare minimum once I got that job.

Whenever I bust my a$$, things work out, but I can't stay on track for long. I always end up losing motivation or getting distracted. The next time I have to start from scratch again.

I started a new project at the end of last year that was an amazing success, surprising even me. But then I loafed around for the next four months. I'm tired of this cycle, and I've tried to break it before, but I keep going back to the same old shit.

Has anyone else been in the same boat? How did you deal with your addiction, whether porn or something else? Any advice specifically for porn/sex addicts?

Yeah, I know, I should be able to just "stop it" and grow up, be a man. But I can't. I'm weak, a loser. Maybe I'm defective. How do I get stronger?
Have you listened to Jordan Peterson? I mean, he has the best logical, rational explanations for life. This man has changed my life for real. Try youtube - Jordan peterson on "Your concern, problem" and get your mind blown.
 

ChrisV

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Ending Addiction

Take a look at this guy. He's a Mardi Gras professor that talks about addiction overall. I'd watch all the episodes if I were you.
Holy shit, these videos are really good. Really really really really good. He's 100% spot on with all of this:

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpQopyd25yo


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWabTRPr91s


I know mot of this stuff but I'm so amazed he was able to fit all this info into this really short video series. This is going to be the new series I link people too.
 

LPPC

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Not sure how calling yourself weak and a loser is going to help anything. Watch your self-talk.

In regard to porn, I read somewhere that the three keys that make a porn use habit difficult to break (besides the biochemical/dopamine effects, which are massive) are 1. affordability (it is free) 2. accessibility (just need an internet connection) and 3. it is anonymous. To break the cycle, you need to take out one of those three. Affordability and accessiblity aren't going away, so you need to focus on an anonymity. The way to do that is to use an accountability type program with a trusted friend. You can install something on your computer that shares your internet history with that trusted friend. When you know your use of porn will not be anonymous, you are much less likely to use it. There are a number of competing software programs out there. Google it. Good luck!
You can totally prevent yourself from being able to open certain sites and apps. Many solutions have been created to protect kids for example.

desktop: download k9 web protection (made to protect your kids from harmful sites)

Android: install ''Applock'' app and password protect any app that enables you to view porn. Chrome browser for example you can block. instead install ''SPIN safe browser''. It's a browser that can view any sites except for harmful sites and porn sites.

Set passwords for both k9 and applock and give it to someone else.

I think handling accessibility is key.

If any questions, PM me.
 
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Brian Suh

Bronze Contributor
Speedway Pass
May 19, 2018
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I'm addicted to watching Gordon Ramsay clips on YouTube
Now I know why you troll and hate. You spend your precious life on YouTube watching bite sized clips like key and peele. Thanks for letting me know. Now whenever you post I will be reminded who is behind the keyboard and will snicker everytime
 

ChrisGav

Bronze Contributor
Speedway Pass
Feb 15, 2019
69
170
138
I understand man. I’m a recovering cocaine addict. At the age of 21, my life went totally to shit for a few years. Got arrested, dropped out of college lost my girlfriend of 4 years, all of my friends, everything.

But I’m almost a year clean now, my life is getting on track. And I’ve come back much stronger than ever before. As addicts, no matter what your addiction is, you must fix this first. We don’t have anything if we don’t have sobriety. Join recovery groups, don’t beat yourself up, keep moving forward.
 

Lex Love

Contributor
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
May 21, 2019
45
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109
It's funny I saw this post, I was considering posting something on this topic myself.

I have a long history with this. Even as a married man. It has broken my wife's heart and made me feel weak, impotent, and debased. I would confess to my wife, feel tremendous shame, and the vow to myself I would never do it again. Few weeks later, there I am.

I think at least part of the problem was trying to depend on my desire for the alternative: desire to not have shame, desire to do what I know is right, desire to not have to lie to my wife, and perhaps more than anything, the desire to "not be that guy". The issue with just WANTING to not be a guy who watches porn is you fight desire with desire. Essentially, you're fighting you with you. The you who "wants" to be "better" vs the you that "wants" porn. When you lean upon desire as a motivating fuel, then when the other desire outweighs it, you lose.

I didn't stop watching porn because I just REALLY wanted to stop. I stopped because at some point, I developed a profound sense of purpose. What changed was a confidence and belief in who I am, what I was created to do and who I could become. I developed a crystal clear picture of the man I wanted to be coupled with a BELIEF that I could become that man. And it was exhilarating. And it was deeper than desire. It was purpose. My life now had a purpose, a noble, grand, glorious purpose. As a man, as a husband, as a father, as a business owner.

I no longer had to try to want no-porn more than porn at every waking moment that I could want porn. The desire waned quickly once I realized how incompatible it was with who I am, and why I was put here on this earth, how I was gonna to impact the world, how my kids were going to remember me, how my wife was going to remember me. I think just once after this epiphany I looked at porn. YAWN. lame. And not who I was. And then I stopped.

At some point you're gonna want porn more than not-porn. Then when you do it, you solidify the picture of yourself that you have. You feel like some helpless wimp, a slave to your impulses, unable to be the man you want to be. See THAT's the issue. You have defined yourself. And your repeated actions in the same direction reinforce that definition over and over and over again. This was ME.

You're starting at the wrong place. Don't attack the habit. Attack the man. Redefine him. Start thinking about your funeral. Who do you want be remembered as? Think about your 30 year anniversary with your future wife. How do you want her to feel about you? Continue to paint the picture of what the future could possibly be. Allow the gravity of that picture to draw you in. Maybe you will feel doubtful. Whatever. Keep putting that picture in front of yourself. Open yourself up to the idea of an alternative you. Allow the dignity of that version seep into you. Write it down. Write it down again later. Then write it down again. You have years of self-defining activity to overcome. It's gonna take work. But you're not gonna stop doing these things simply because you don't want to be an addictive person. You gotta fill that void. Put something positive in its place. We weren't built for saying "no" to things. We were built to saying "yes". Build a version of yourself to say "yes" to that's incompatible to a porn addiction or any addiction for that matter. Embrace that vision. Every day.

MJ Demarco talks about proper battlefields. This is the best possible battlefield for anything you try to do.
 

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