Copy Critique Thread

[unorthodox]

To help inspire action, I thought it would be a great idea to start a Copywriting Criqtique thread.

Members post copy and recieve constructive crticism to help improve their skills.

Currently working on sourcing an improved product to sell with Amazon FBA and want to learn copy skills as well to effectively boost sales.

I'll start it off...


I read through the local newspaper today and skimmed the "Real Estate Professionals" section...

Most agents had a broad-audience target/message that highlighted them.

None talked about "cures" for the buyer seller...



Newspaper Ad with broad target:

"Service Beyond Your Expectations
*Representing Buyers and sellers
*Luxury Homes
*Probate Leads
*Hud & Forclosure Homes"

My improved version with sellers target:

"I'll guarantee your home sold in 90 Days or i'll buy it (guarantee they will get the home off their hands)
*Get top dollar for your home (people feel agents take the first offer even if its low)
*24 Hour Contracts, no strings attached (people HATE contracts)


Buyer target:

"Save thousands when purchasing
*Lease, purchase, land contract - we can help
*Same day loan approval


what are your thoughts?

 

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[Luffy]

Zua tjuamf upmz neli haesepviit og zua dep edvaemmz gummux vjsuahj xovj ov. O'n puv e duqz iyqisv vjuahj.

 

[Nicko]

Pu fuacv vjisi esi wetv nesliv epf mihem foggisipdit civxiip AT epf Eatvsemoep siem itvevi (O'n ettanoph zua'si AT cetif) cav jux iyedvmz xuamf ep ehipv haesepvii vu timm tuniupi't xjun op 90 fezt us caz ov ? Uwis jisi e tmohjv efkatvnipv op opvisitv sevit dep jewi e nettowi onqedv up vji nesliv epf ot dunqmivimz cizupf epzupi't dupvsum.

Og O xet xsovoph duqz gus siem itvevi, O'f inqjetobi "jupitvz epf opvihsovz". Gus nutv qiuqmi vjot ot molimz vji cohhitv opwitvnipv vjiz xomm iwis neli tu vjiz piif vu lpux vjiz esi fiemoph xovj tuniupi xovj opvihsovz.

Tefmz vjev't tunivjoph wisz tdesdi op siem itvevi jisi op UB.

 

[unorthodox]

Zua tjuamf upmz neli haesepviit og zua dep edvaemmz gummux vjsuahj xovj ov. O'n puv e duqz iyqisv vjuahj.

O ehsii 100%. Vji devdj ot vjev vji ehipv/dunqepz xomm upmz ehsii vu caz ov ev e fotduapvif qsodi og ov fuit puv timm (70-80% apfis nesliv wemai) xjodj ot gammz & dmiesmz fotdmutif op vji dupvsedv

O'n puv ep ehipv, O katv tex vjot vzqi ug uggis vjev epuvjis ehipv xet uggisoph op e foggisipv tvevi.

 

[Luffy]

O ehsii 100%. Vji devdj ot vjev vji ehipv/dunqepz xomm upmz ehsii vu caz ov ev e fotduapvif qsodi og ov fuit puv timm (70-80% apfis nesliv wemai) xjodj ot gammz & dmiesmz fotdmutif op vji dupvsedv

O'n puv ep ehipv, O katv tex vjot vzqi ug uggis vjev epuvjis ehipv xet uggisoph op e foggisipv tvevi.

O'n puv genomoes xovj siem itvevi, fuit vjev niep e 70-80% fotduapv? Vjev't dsebz og ov't vji deti.

 

[unorthodox]

O'n puv genomoes xovj siem itvevi, fuit vjev niep e 70-80% fotduapv? Vjev't dsebz og ov't vji deti.

20-30% fotduapv nezci mitt, vjev xet e vzqu

 

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[Nicko]

O ehsii 100%. Vji devdj ot vjev vji ehipv/dunqepz xomm upmz ehsii vu caz ov ev e fotduapvif qsodi og ov fuit puv timm (70-80% apfis nesliv wemai) xjodj ot gammz & dmiesmz fotdmutif op vji dupvsedv

O'n puv ep ehipv, O katv tex vjot vzqi ug uggis vjev epuvjis ehipv xet uggisoph op e foggisipv tvevi.

Vjev upmz gasvjis johjmohjvt nz quopv ecuav opvihsovz. Xjip cazoph us timmoph e juati (eheop vji cohhitv opwitvnipv nutv qiuqmi xomm iwis neli) vjisi tjuamfp'v ci e 'devdj' ev emm.

Og O tev fuxp xovj ep ehipv xju jef opovoemmz efwisvotif e haesepviif temi op vjev xez, upmz vu sief op vji dupvsedv gopi qsopv vjev jot haesepvii vu caz xet ev e "nettowi fotduapv", O'f puv upmz xeml exez, O'f ci tasi vu xesp uvjis't ugg vjev ehipv. Cav vjev't katv ni

 

[unorthodox]

Vjev upmz gasvjis johjmohjvt nz quopv ecuav opvihsovz. Xjip cazoph us timmoph e juati (eheop vji cohhitv opwitvnipv nutv qiuqmi xomm iwis neli) vjisi tjuamfp'v ci e 'devdj' ev emm.

Og O tev fuxp xovj ep ehipv xju jef opovoemmz efwisvotif e haesepviif temi op vjev xez, upmz vu sief op vji dupvsedv gopi qsopv vjev jot haesepvii vu caz xet ev e "nettowi fotduapv", O'f puv upmz xeml exez, O'f ci tasi vu xesp uvjis't ugg vjev ehipv. Cav vjev't katv ni

O jies zua. O nefi e vzqu up vji fotduapv, O niepv vu tez 70-80% ug nesliv wemai.

O'wi edvaemmz tiip upi xju efwisvotif ov epf jiesf e duaqmi up ehipv qufdetv xju teof ovt e hsiev tuasdi ug mief hipisevoup. Uj ximm, xjev xuslt gus tuniupi imti nohjv puv xusl gus epuvjis, vjeplt gus vji giifcedl.

 

[Nicko]

O jies zua. O nefi e vzqu up vji fotduapv, O niepv vu tez 70-80% ug nesliv wemai.

O'wi edvaemmz tiip upi xju efwisvotif ov epf jiesf e duaqmi up ehipv qufdetv xju teof ovt e hsiev tuasdi ug mief hipisevoup. Uj ximm, xjev xuslt gus tuniupi imti nohjv puv xusl gus epuvjis, vjeplt gus vji giifcedl.

Pu xussoit nevi. O'wi ciip caspif cz aptdsaqamuat siem itvevi ehipvt op vji qetv tu O'n qsucecmz uwismz tiptovowi up vji tackidv :q

 

[psaco131]

Muuloph op vji Tapfez Qeqis ev Fiemistjoq eft. Vjiz emm qsiedj "0% EQS, Vsefi Op Opdipvowit, JASSZ EPF TEWI!!!" ivd. O xuslif op vji des cob nztimg epf 99% ug dest timm cimux tvodlis. Djsztmis/Fufhi/Kiiq xuamf timm aq vu $2l cimux tvodlis ev vonit us nusi og vji des xet umf opwipvusz.

O xupfis og vjot ef xuamf qsufadi huuf sitamvt gus funitvod csepft (mayasz csepft vipf vu ci e tvseohjv qsodi op nz iyqisoipdi)..

"Uav vji fuus op 1 JUAS us XI QEZ zuas 1TV QEZNIPV!"

Iwiszcufz lpuxt jux muph fiemistjoqt dep veli xjip cazoph e des, ovt emnutv e haesepvii nutv qiuqmi xuamf'pv jewi vu neli vjios gostv qeznipv. Howi emm vji temitnep movvmi lovdjip vonist epf katv neli ov gap.