What are you selling and what are you trying to get out of the outreach?
Based on your posting history, it seems like web design. Disregard if not, but If I was selling web-design, here are a few things to keep in mind...
- Who are you selling to? Are you selling your services to other organization's design department, are you selling to mom & pop businesses, tech companies, etc.
- What are you selling? Are you selling an improvement in conversion rates, are you selling a SEO optimized web-page for increased organic clicks, etc. No-one has a website just to have a website.
- How do you sell a client - is it discovery/fact finding call, do you offer a proof of concept, etc. Think through the steps to the close so that you can create a repeatable process.
Hyperpersonalization is over-valued. Keep it short and relevant. Also, drop the niceties or add it to the bottom. I always start my emails with most important topic FIRST, and leave the "hope you're well, etc" at the very end. Chris Voss, an ex FBI negotiator recommends this for all communication.
Example:
How's the 'Join INSIDERS' CTA converting for your forum, MJ?
We've noticed similar forums get a lot of traffic, but have trouble with converting that traffic into paid subscribers. Worse yet, we've found that while they can get folks subscribed, they tend to churn at about 30% which can make it difficult to keep consistent revenue coming in.
Not sure if this is relevant, but can I share more information with you on reasons that may be happening to your site?
All the best,
Lead with a problem and it makes the call higher importance/relevance. Now you quantify the problem and position your solution in accordance with the magnitude of the problem. Instead of I sell sites for "$39 a month"- "For me to help you increase your CTA conversions from 3% to 7%, which will increase your revenue by $25k p/month, it's going to cost you $6,500".
Also, I agree with Angler and Ltizin and Sully. Short and a sequence. Most folks won't reply to your first email. 50 words or less. Also -
pick up the phone.
Good luck!