Hmmmm, shall I try?Try as you might to set me off, you won’t succeed.
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Free registration at the forum removes this block.Hmmmm, shall I try?Try as you might to set me off, you won’t succeed.
I think this is key.Lots of interesting replies already…
A little different angle for you from my own life. Growing up in Eastern Europe being tough was an asset. That and various family dynamics made my fuse short.
Today I am seem by most people around me as the calm and rational one. Never buckle under pressure, and you can’t set me off even if you try.
What’s the difference?
One word: identity.
Who are you as a person? What is your identity? I accepted that since as far back as I can remember, I was meant to be tough. Weak men are weak for a reason. I thought being angry was being tough, only later to realize that only weak men are angry. Men who aren’t in control aren’t tough. “Losing it” isn’t being tough, it’s the opposite.
In the animal kingdom, there is a certain graceful calmness about top of the pyramid predators. They are in control over their emotions. Same with humans. And that realization is what changed me. My identity is consistent with my behaviour now.
I am a calm person. Try as you might to set me off, you won’t succeed. You may even be physically stronger than me, but I’ll be tougher.
Sidebar: distilling why someone typically gets mad is simple. It is a violation of a rule in your own mind. Your rule. Not a real rule, just your own rule that you made up. That means you can make up a new rule. Unless you are weak. Weak men cannot do that. Like when someone is rude to you. It is your rule that “such and such has no right to talk to me this way”. My rule will be “this personal demeanour is beneath me, people who are like me don’t engage with losers like this person. People like him did not earn the right to take up my time and any emotion from me, that is reserved for people I like/love” etc.
Outcome?
- Turns out my new approach means I do very well in negotiations. And that helps me with my business.
- Same with family
… most of all, I am happier being this way.
In short, don’t look for a “method”. As Nike says “just do it” - you have the power within you to change your mind from being easily triggered to someone who’s calm. Calm people are wickedly tough.
Edit:
Of course, everyone has limits. And I do mediate (TM), go for walks, read and write to remain in control over my responses to life’s events. The difference is just like for people who try to quit an addiction. As long as you identify as a “smoker who’s trying to quit” you’ll fail. The minute you start identifying as a “non-smoker who occasionally smokes” you’ve done it. Identity.
It is not what happens to you, it is how you react to it that matters.
Pure gold!Lots of interesting replies already…
A little different angle for you from my own life. Growing up in Eastern Europe being tough was an asset. That and various family dynamics made my fuse short.
Today I am seem by most people around me as the calm and rational one. Never buckle under pressure, and you can’t set me off even if you try.
What’s the difference?
One word: identity.
Who are you as a person? What is your identity? I accepted that since as far back as I can remember, I was meant to be tough. Weak men are weak for a reason. I thought being angry was being tough, only later to realize that only weak men are angry. Men who aren’t in control aren’t tough. “Losing it” isn’t being tough, it’s the opposite.
In the animal kingdom, there is a certain graceful calmness about top of the pyramid predators. They are in control over their emotions. Same with humans. And that realization is what changed me. My identity is consistent with my behaviour now.
I am a calm person. Try as you might to set me off, you won’t succeed. You may even be physically stronger than me, but I’ll be tougher.
Sidebar: distilling why someone typically gets mad is simple. It is a violation of a rule in your own mind. Your rule. Not a real rule, just your own rule that you made up. That means you can make up a new rule. Unless you are weak. Weak men cannot do that. Like when someone is rude to you. It is your rule that “such and such has no right to talk to me this way”. My rule will be “this personal demeanour is beneath me, people who are like me don’t engage with losers like this person. People like him did not earn the right to take up my time and any emotion from me, that is reserved for people I like/love” etc.
Outcome?
- Turns out my new approach means I do very well in negotiations. And that helps me with my business.
- Same with family
… most of all, I am happier being this way.
In short, don’t look for a “method”. As Nike says “just do it” - you have the power within you to change your mind from being easily triggered to someone who’s calm. Calm people are wickedly tough.
Edit:
Of course, everyone has limits. And I do mediate (TM), go for walks, read and write to remain in control over my responses to life’s events. The difference is just like for people who try to quit an addiction. As long as you identify as a “smoker who’s trying to quit” you’ll fail. The minute you start identifying as a “non-smoker who occasionally smokes” you’ve done it. Identity.
It is not what happens to you, it is how you react to it that matters.
I hate losing my shit, I hate how I feel afterwards, I hate making people feel scared or uncomfortable (I'm a big [not fat] guy) and it just all round feels like a waste of energy.
The usual advice (count to ten and all that bs) does not work on me, I'm too angry in the moment to feel it. When I lose it, I can feel my brain splitting in two. On one side is the rational, much quieter side saying "no, chill, don't do this. You'll regret this afterwards" The other, much louder, side of me is shouting "JUST F*ckING SMASH!!!"
So, anyone else out there with these issues that has found a good coping mechanism please feel free to drop a few lines on how it's worked for you.
This was excellent. I really like how you explained this and I'm learning this too. It works perfectly for strangers, friends, etc. BUT is a bit more difficult with family, S/O type situations (can't exactly decide "this person's a loser who I won't deal with again" - I mean, you CAN, sometimes, but you catch my drift) so if you expanded more on your thoughts on this, would be interesting.Lots of interesting replies already…
A little different angle for you from my own life. Growing up in Eastern Europe being tough was an asset. That and various family dynamics made my fuse short.
Today I am seem by most people around me as the calm and rational one. Never buckle under pressure, and you can’t set me off even if you try.
What’s the difference?
One word: identity.
Who are you as a person? What is your identity? I accepted that since as far back as I can remember, I was meant to be tough. Weak men are weak for a reason. I thought being angry was being tough, only later to realize that only weak men are angry. Men who aren’t in control aren’t tough. “Losing it” isn’t being tough, it’s the opposite.
In the animal kingdom, there is a certain graceful calmness about top of the pyramid predators. They are in control over their emotions. Same with humans. And that realization is what changed me. My identity is consistent with my behaviour now.
I am a calm person. Try as you might to set me off, you won’t succeed. You may even be physically stronger than me, but I’ll be tougher.
Sidebar: distilling why someone typically gets mad is simple. It is a violation of a rule in your own mind. Your rule. Not a real rule, just your own rule that you made up. That means you can make up a new rule. Unless you are weak. Weak men cannot do that. Like when someone is rude to you. It is your rule that “such and such has no right to talk to me this way”. My rule will be “this personal demeanour is beneath me, people who are like me don’t engage with losers like this person. People like him did not earn the right to take up my time and any emotion from me, that is reserved for people I like/love” etc.
Outcome?
- Turns out my new approach means I do very well in negotiations. And that helps me with my business.
- Same with family
… most of all, I am happier being this way.
In short, don’t look for a “method”. As Nike says “just do it” - you have the power within you to change your mind from being easily triggered to someone who’s calm. Calm people are wickedly tough.
Edit:
Of course, everyone has limits. And I do mediate (TM), go for walks, read and write to remain in control over my responses to life’s events. The difference is just like for people who try to quit an addiction. As long as you identify as a “smoker who’s trying to quit” you’ll fail. The minute you start identifying as a “non-smoker who occasionally smokes” you’ve done it. Identity.
It is not what happens to you, it is how you react to it that matters.
Dude, I love your posts. So damn thoughtful, and they always leave me with something to chew on.Lots of interesting replies already…
A little different angle for you from my own life. Growing up in Eastern Europe being tough was an asset. That and various family dynamics made my fuse short.
Today I am seem by most people around me as the calm and rational one. Never buckle under pressure, and you can’t set me off even if you try.
What’s the difference?
One word: identity.
Who are you as a person? What is your identity? I accepted that since as far back as I can remember, I was meant to be tough. Weak men are weak for a reason. I thought being angry was being tough, only later to realize that only weak men are angry. Men who aren’t in control aren’t tough. “Losing it” isn’t being tough, it’s the opposite.
In the animal kingdom, there is a certain graceful calmness about top of the pyramid predators. They are in control over their emotions. Same with humans. And that realization is what changed me. My identity is consistent with my behaviour now.
I am a calm person. Try as you might to set me off, you won’t succeed. You may even be physically stronger than me, but I’ll be tougher.
Sidebar: distilling why someone typically gets mad is simple. It is a violation of a rule in your own mind. Your rule. Not a real rule, just your own rule that you made up. That means you can make up a new rule. Unless you are weak. Weak men cannot do that. Like when someone is rude to you. It is your rule that “such and such has no right to talk to me this way”. My rule will be “this personal demeanour is beneath me, people who are like me don’t engage with losers like this person. People like him did not earn the right to take up my time and any emotion from me, that is reserved for people I like/love” etc.
Outcome?
- Turns out my new approach means I do very well in negotiations. And that helps me with my business.
- Same with family
… most of all, I am happier being this way.
In short, don’t look for a “method”. As Nike says “just do it” - you have the power within you to change your mind from being easily triggered to someone who’s calm. Calm people are wickedly tough.
Edit:
Of course, everyone has limits. And I do mediate (TM), go for walks, read and write to remain in control over my responses to life’s events. The difference is just like for people who try to quit an addiction. As long as you identify as a “smoker who’s trying to quit” you’ll fail. The minute you start identifying as a “non-smoker who occasionally smokes” you’ve done it. Identity.
It is not what happens to you, it is how you react to it that matters.
Pure gold!
This comment deserves a thread of its own.
This was excellent. I really like how you explained this and I'm learning this too. It works perfectly for strangers, friends, etc. BUT is a bit more difficult with family, S/O type situations (can't exactly decide "this person's a loser who I won't deal with again" - I mean, you CAN, sometimes, but you catch my drift) so if you expanded more on your thoughts on this, would be interesting.
Thanks for saying this, it means a lot to me!Dude, I love your posts. So damn thoughtful, and they always leave me with something to chew on.
I just heard this in a podcast, but can't remember which one. The person said that when he was in high school one of his friend's dad suddenly became very mean to everyone. Turned out that the dad was diagnosed with a brain tumor years later and passed away. Then everyone suddenly understood why the sudden mood change and felt bad.I hate losing my shit, I hate how I feel afterwards, I hate making people feel scared or uncomfortable (I'm a big [not fat] guy) and it just all round feels like a waste of energy.
So, anyone else out there with these issues that has found a good coping mechanism please feel free to drop a few lines on how it's worked for you.
What do you really gain by being angry, uncontrolled angry?Change your thinking.
If you suffer from Intermittent Explosive Disorder, get help.
If you don't, then you are lying to yourself when you say you "hate it". You don't, or you don't hate it enough to change. You are gaining something out of having a quick temper. And that thing that you are gaining is enabling you to lose your shit.
Based on your post, you have enough detachment to feel the rational and emotional side of your brain. Yet you choose to act on the emotional part of your brain.
Anger is not good nor bad. It is an emotion. And emotions are information. How you react to your anger is what is good or bad. When I see an injustice, I want to feel that anger. The state of frustration it puts me conveys to me that what I am seeing goes against what I judge to be fair. If I am in a situation where I should act, the physical state of arousal and readiness that anger brings is exactly what I need.
How can you cope with it? Start by taking ownership and accountability. You don't have "anger issues", you have a control issue. Saying you have anger issues is not being accountable for your own actions. Then, find what you are gaining from your temper. Once you know it, you can take action.
From a behavioural standpoint, looking at Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. They have a variety of tools available there.
It's quite a skill to be able to condescend via the written word. Well done.
I have the same kind of issues, I do not tolerate disrespect and think that it should be crushed immediately without compromise.
Of course the world do not work like that.
My advice is you take boxing lessons. It seems that it will make it worse but believe me it is actually a great way of tempering your emotions. The mindset of self-esteem and skills that results will actually make it a lot easier for you to "let it go". Plus there is the intense exercices that will be beneficial and calm you down.
Any coach will say that this is great for anger issues.
If you are technically able to crush someone's neck, you just won't do it. Fighters are generally very calm, only using their skills in dangerous situation.
In addition people will eventually feel it and stay out of the way.
Being 51 is no problem, you obviously won't do competition, but beside that it's all benefits. (and yes, young fighters at the gym will respect that)
(PS: when I say boxing I mean any martial art/combat you'd like to do).
I seriously believe learning combat is on of the best thing one can do.
I re-read what I wrote and you are right. I am sorry @Roli.
My intent was to give a different perspective and some pointers on where you can find tools that can help you. The delivery was pure hot garbage.
And please, if anything, look at CBT. It has a lot of tools, many of them very accessible to help people change their behaviours.
You are 100% right, I boxed as a kid and absolutely loved it, the only reason I stopped is because around 15 the sparring sessions gave me a headache and I didn't like the feeling.
The (rather pathetic) reason I haven't joined a boxing gym is because a few years ago I went down to the one near me and they just had these boxercise classes which I wasn't in to. I just wanted to do a bit of speedball, skipping and smash the hell out of a heavy bag.
It's a pathetic excuse (although regimes like this are helped by geographical proximity to one's house), I should just find another gym.
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