Help me get over my ex

[perchboy]

Two weeks ago my first love who I've been dating for 1.5 years broke up with me. For context, I'm 16 years old and turning 17 in a few months.

Before I went on my 1-week vacation she was so loving but once I got back she was acting completely distant. I told her we needed to have a talk because I was concerned and she broke up with me that day saying "we aren't compatible". The next day she wrote me a letter explaining that she broke up with me because I treated her poorly and we were never able to connect. I apologized to her after reading the letter and she accepted my apology, but was freaking out telling me about her problems at home and how she's having a crisis since she doesn't know what to do with her future. Then I asked her if she wants to give me a second chance and she told me that she is losing feelings for me.

Now I did treat her poorly looking back but I honestly never realized and thought she took things as a joke because she never mentioned anything and would just laugh. Now I feel guilty that its all my fault we broke up and I miss her a lot. I wish she cheated on me so then I can be mad and forget about her but I really loved her and still do I feel soooo bad.

Since then, sometimes I feel great and I'm filled with optimism but sometimes (especially at night or when Im alone) I feel so unbelievably sad and lose the will to do anything. I shared all my goals with her and she was a huge motivation for my business goals. We had a dream to go to Japan together when we graduate which motivated me but now I feel like its all meaningless.

So I came to the forum to ask for advice since you're all wise and have more life experience than me.

How can I stop thinking of her?
How do I stop feeling so guilty?
Will I always regret this and think of her when I'm 60 or will I forget about her once I get a new girl?
Will I ever find another like her or was she special since she was my first everything?

 

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[random_username]

Two weeks ago my first love who I've been dating for 1.5 years broke up with me. For context, I'm 16 years old and turning 17 in a few months.


Before I went on my 1-week vacation she was so loving but once I got back she was acting completely distant. I told her we needed to have a talk because I was concerned and she broke up with me that day saying "we aren't compatible". The next day she wrote me a letter explaining that she broke up with me because I treated her poorly and we were never able to connect. I apologized to her after reading the letter and she accepted my apology, but was freaking out telling me about her problems at home and how she's having a crisis since she doesn't know what to do with her future. Then I asked her if she wants to give me a second chance and she told me that she is losing feelings for me.


Now I did treat her poorly looking back but I honestly never realized and thought she took things as a joke because she never mentioned anything and would just laugh. Now I feel guilty that its all my fault we broke up and I miss her a lot. I wish she cheated on me so then I can be mad and forget about her but I really loved her and still do I feel soooo bad.


Since then, sometimes I feel great and I'm filled with optimism but sometimes (especially at night or when Im alone) I feel so unbelievably sad and lose the will to do anything. I shared all my goals with her and she was a huge motivation for my business goals. We had a dream to go to Japan together when we graduate which motivated me but now I feel like its all meaningless.


So I came to the forum to ask for advice since you're all wise and have more life experience than me.


How can I stop thinking of her?
How do I stop feeling so guilty?
Will I always regret this and think of her when I'm 60 or will I forget about her once I get a new girl?
Will I ever find another like her or was she special since she was my first everything?

This is going to sound f up, but it really isn't that important in the grand scheme of things. You will have many more girlfriends. You are a brand new person, your brain started working literally 2 or 3 years ago. She is probably only thing you know. You will know many more things soon. One day, in 10 or so years, you will laugh at this post when you realize how this was all funny back then when you were a kid. This sadness that you feel is normal thing, sometimes that happens. Just don't do anything destructive because of it. Otherwise it's a completely normal emotion. Actionable solution is just to get busy doing something productive. Socializing with friends, working out, starting a new hobby, learning something, whatever. Everything will be fine after some time. You have your whole life ahead of you, so much to do, see, learn and experience. Wish you all the best

 

[perchboy]

This is going to sound f up, but it really isn't that important in the grand scheme of things. You will have many more girlfriends. You are a brand new person, your brain started working literally 2 or 3 years ago. She is probably only thing you know. You will know many more things soon. One day, in 10 or so years, you will laugh at this post when you realize how this was all funny back then when you were a kid. This sadness that you feel is normal thing, sometimes that happens. Just don't do anything destructive because of it. Otherwise it's a completely normal emotion. Actionable solution is just to get busy doing something productive. Socializing with friends, working out, starting a new hobby, learning something, whatever. Everything will be fine after some time. You have your whole life ahead of you, so much to do, see, learn and experience. Wish you all the best

Thanks for this you’re totally right.

Realistically I know we were probably gonna break up in the future anyways and that there’s plenty of other girls out there but I feel bitter looking back since it was my fault that we ended it.

I feel happy, motivated, and optimistic when I’m busy hanging with my friends or socializing but once I’m alone the sadness all hits.

 

[Johnny boy]

If her location was on and you could see a secret camera recording of what she's up to most nights while you're sitting there crying into a pillow, you would be SHOCKED.

That's all I'll say lil homie.

See you at the gym!

 

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[Spenny]

I'm only 22, and I'm going through something similar.

Firstly, it's not one person's fault. It would help if you remembered that she didn't mention anything and failure to communicate is a common relationship killer. It's not fair for you to shoulder it all. How were you to know?

It doesn't excuse it but give yourself some slack. A relationship failing is a series of mistakes from both sides.

Since then, sometimes I feel great and I'm filled with optimism but sometimes (especially at night or when Im alone) I feel so unbelievably sad and lose the will to do anything. I shared all my goals with her and she was a huge motivation for my business goals. We had a dream to go to Japan together when we graduate which motivated me but now I feel like its all meaningless.

I feel the same. I would stare at a wall until I could move again, but I always remembered this chart.
Some things will never happen with her, but maybe the next person you are with will experience that. That's at least what I look forward to.

How can I stop thinking of her?

The truth is, there is nothing I can say that will help this heal. It will take time to process. Some somethings are actionable, though. You can do the following:

• Get out of your comfort zone and do something new that you couldn't have done before.
• Push that new spare time towards something of value (I picked business & gym).
• Stay away from social isolation & escapism.
• Stay away from manosphere garbage. Or at least be aware that you're at a vulnerable stage, and it would be easy to indulge in emotion.

I'll be frank: a breakup was precisely what I needed to have. My mind had gotten into a routine, gotten squishy, and I had to get off my a$$ and do the things I needed & wanted to do. It led to some of the most tremendous strides I've ever seen because I was no longer comfortable and had the opportunity to reform myself.

I'd see it as an opportunity. What have you put off? What did you wish you could do? What do you want to try?

How do I stop feeling so guilty?

It's again time and also acceptance.

• Firstly, as previously mentioned, do not kick yourself over past you. The reality is you can change now, and we keep it pushing.
• Talking to friends about it - helps a lot, and you can see it as a way to form great connections. I suppose you're already doing this by talking to the forum collective.
• Sending a message to the person gave me a lot of closure about the situation. Make sure you leave this one as a last resort, but all you can do is promise to carry the lessons forward.

Will I always regret this and think of her when I'm 60 or will I forget about her once I get a new girl?

I think back a few years and don't regret anything now. I worked off of the information I had at the time, and I cannot blame myself for seeing the mistakes I was making. Getting caught up in the storm is easy because it's only just happened.

Will I ever find another like her or was she special since she was my first everything?

The next girl will be different but not the same. You'll carry the lessons forward, you'll likely become stronger & you'll maybe attract someone you couldn't have before because you weren't ready.

The other truth is that this will happen again, so you may want to get comfortable with the feeling and understand that it will pass. But that shouldn't deter you from pushing forward.

Overall, see this as an opportunity for reform & development. You may surprise yourself.

 

[perchboy]

If her location was on and you could see a secret camera recording of what she's up to most nights while you're sitting there crying into a pillow, you would be SHOCKED.

That's all I'll say lil homie.

See you at the gym!

Damn I wish! If that happened I’d be so motivated to get a hotter girl and flex on her but I’m sure she’s not doing any of that and she’s just sad so I’m sad and feel bad

 

[ZF Lee]

Two weeks ago my first love who I've been dating for 1.5 years broke up with me. For context, I'm 16 years old and turning 17 in a few months.

Before I went on my 1-week vacation she was so loving but once I got back she was acting completely distant. I told her we needed to have a talk because I was concerned and she broke up with me that day saying "we aren't compatible". The next day she wrote me a letter explaining that she broke up with me because I treated her poorly and we were never able to connect. I apologized to her after reading the letter and she accepted my apology, but was freaking out telling me about her problems at home and how she's having a crisis since she doesn't know what to do with her future. Then I asked her if she wants to give me a second chance and she told me that she is losing feelings for me.

Now I did treat her poorly looking back but I honestly never realized and thought she took things as a joke because she never mentioned anything and would just laugh. Now I feel guilty that its all my fault we broke up and I miss her a lot. I wish she cheated on me so then I can be mad and forget about her but I really loved her and still do I feel soooo bad.

Since then, sometimes I feel great and I'm filled with optimism but sometimes (especially at night or when Im alone) I feel so unbelievably sad and lose the will to do anything. I shared all my goals with her and she was a huge motivation for my business goals. We had a dream to go to Japan together when we graduate which motivated me but now I feel like its all meaningless.

So I came to the forum to ask for advice since you're all wise and have more life experience than me.

How can I stop thinking of her?
How do I stop feeling so guilty?
Will I always regret this and think of her when I'm 60 or will I forget about her once I get a new girl?
Will I ever find another like her or was she special since she was my first everything?

As someone who has been there…

Folks who want a lasting relationship will not rely on feelings alone to make it work. Love is a choice.

When all the beautiful, youthful looks go away in time, what’s left? Your choices. To stay and make it work.

It’s not a bad thing to remember her sometimes. It’s a good sign that you care. Only that whatever hurts you had— now you know you shouldn’t hurt others that way.

Also, there ARE women out there who will fight to keep their relationships. Who won’t let one upset kill it all. How on earth do we have couples who last 30-40 years in marriage? They are out there.

Even with this rejection, you are getting closer to one of them— whoever she may be.

You can find her.

 

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[Kevin88660]

Two weeks ago my first love who I've been dating for 1.5 years broke up with me. For context, I'm 16 years old and turning 17 in a few months.

Before I went on my 1-week vacation she was so loving but once I got back she was acting completely distant. I told her we needed to have a talk because I was concerned and she broke up with me that day saying "we aren't compatible". The next day she wrote me a letter explaining that she broke up with me because I treated her poorly and we were never able to connect. I apologized to her after reading the letter and she accepted my apology, but was freaking out telling me about her problems at home and how she's having a crisis since she doesn't know what to do with her future. Then I asked her if she wants to give me a second chance and she told me that she is losing feelings for me.

Now I did treat her poorly looking back but I honestly never realized and thought she took things as a joke because she never mentioned anything and would just laugh. Now I feel guilty that its all my fault we broke up and I miss her a lot. I wish she cheated on me so then I can be mad and forget about her but I really loved her and still do I feel soooo bad.

Since then, sometimes I feel great and I'm filled with optimism but sometimes (especially at night or when Im alone) I feel so unbelievably sad and lose the will to do anything. I shared all my goals with her and she was a huge motivation for my business goals. We had a dream to go to Japan together when we graduate which motivated me but now I feel like its all meaningless.

So I came to the forum to ask for advice since you're all wise and have more life experience than me.

How can I stop thinking of her?
How do I stop feeling so guilty?
Will I always regret this and think of her when I'm 60 or will I forget about her once I get a new girl?
Will I ever find another like her or was she special since she was my first everything?

People appeared in your life for you to learn something about yourself.

Maybe the lesson is don’t treat people for granted. There are consequences to your actions.

Since you two are still on good terms there is still room for friendship, and keep both of your choices open.

Your life will move on and you won’t be obsessed with her soon. But she is always going to have at least small place in your heart. Most men are romantic creatures who love to ponder about good old days while women turn to move on to a new chapter completely.

It is good to have such a little bit human relationship experience early in life (without ending up in shot gun marriages). Mature adults become more cynical and dating becomes more like an extension of our rational but consumerist society.

 

[Aidan04]

I'm only 22, and I'm going through something similar.

Firstly, it's not one person's fault. It would help if you remembered that she didn't mention anything and failure to communicate is a common relationship killer. It's not fair for you to shoulder it all. How were you to know?

It doesn't excuse it but give yourself some slack. A relationship failing is a series of mistakes from both sides.

I feel the same. I would stare at a wall until I could move again, but I always remembered this chart.View attachment 54878
Some things will never happen with her, but maybe the next person you are with will experience that. That's at least what I look forward to.

The truth is, there is nothing I can say that will help this heal. It will take time to process. Some somethings are actionable, though. You can do the following:

• Get out of your comfort zone and do something new that you couldn't have done before.
• Push that new spare time towards something of value (I picked business & gym).
• Stay away from social isolation & escapism.
• Stay away from manosphere garbage. Or at least be aware that you're at a vulnerable stage, and it would be easy to indulge in emotion.

I'll be frank: a breakup was precisely what I needed to have. My mind had gotten into a routine, gotten squishy, and I had to get off my a$$ and do the things I needed & wanted to do. It led to some of the most tremendous strides I've ever seen because I was no longer comfortable and had the opportunity to reform myself.

I'd see it as an opportunity. What have you put off? What did you wish you could do? What do you want to try?

It's again time and also acceptance.

• Firstly, as previously mentioned, do not kick yourself over past you. The reality is you can change now, and we keep it pushing.
• Talking to friends about it - helps a lot, and you can see it as a way to form great connections. I suppose you're already doing this by talking to the forum collective.
• Sending a message to the person gave me a lot of closure about the situation. Make sure you leave this one as a last resort, but all you can do is promise to carry the lessons forward.

I think back a few years and don't regret anything now. I worked off of the information I had at the time, and I cannot blame myself for seeing the mistakes I was making. Getting caught up in the storm is easy because it's only just happened.

The next girl will be different but not the same. You'll carry the lessons forward, you'll likely become stronger & you'll maybe attract someone you couldn't have before because you weren't ready.

The other truth is that this will happen again, so you may want to get comfortable with the feeling and understand that it will pass. But that shouldn't deter you from pushing forward.

Overall, see this as an opportunity for reform & development. You may surprise yourself.

Spenny this graph is legendary hahaha

 

[Mr. Tycoon]

How can I stop thinking of her?
How do I stop feeling so guilty?
Will I always regret this and think of her when I'm 60 or will I forget about her once I get a new girl?

1. find a new girl ASAP- NO NEED TO LIKE HER TOO MUCH
2. you will forget her the minute you're busy with the new girl.
3. it will be just a distant memory.

Guaranteed effect !!

 

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[perchboy]

1. find a new girl ASAP- NO NEED TO LIKE HER TOO MUCH
2. you will forget her the minute you're busy with the new girl.
3. it will be just a distant memory.

Guaranteed effect !!

Lmao ur right I been talking to some and it’s definitely healthy but I do think of her still when I’m not talking with them and when I’m talking with them sometimes too

 

[perchboy]

I'm only 22, and I'm going through something similar.

Firstly, it's not one person's fault. It would help if you remembered that she didn't mention anything and failure to communicate is a common relationship killer. It's not fair for you to shoulder it all. How were you to know?

It doesn't excuse it but give yourself some slack. A relationship failing is a series of mistakes from both sides.

I feel the same. I would stare at a wall until I could move again, but I always remembered this chart.View attachment 54878
Some things will never happen with her, but maybe the next person you are with will experience that. That's at least what I look forward to.

The truth is, there is nothing I can say that will help this heal. It will take time to process. Some somethings are actionable, though. You can do the following:

• Get out of your comfort zone and do something new that you couldn't have done before.
• Push that new spare time towards something of value (I picked business & gym).
• Stay away from social isolation & escapism.
• Stay away from manosphere garbage. Or at least be aware that you're at a vulnerable stage, and it would be easy to indulge in emotion.

I'll be frank: a breakup was precisely what I needed to have. My mind had gotten into a routine, gotten squishy, and I had to get off my a$$ and do the things I needed & wanted to do. It led to some of the most tremendous strides I've ever seen because I was no longer comfortable and had the opportunity to reform myself.

I'd see it as an opportunity. What have you put off? What did you wish you could do? What do you want to try?

It's again time and also acceptance.

• Firstly, as previously mentioned, do not kick yourself over past you. The reality is you can change now, and we keep it pushing.
• Talking to friends about it - helps a lot, and you can see it as a way to form great connections. I suppose you're already doing this by talking to the forum collective.
• Sending a message to the person gave me a lot of closure about the situation. Make sure you leave this one as a last resort, but all you can do is promise to carry the lessons forward.

I think back a few years and don't regret anything now. I worked off of the information I had at the time, and I cannot blame myself for seeing the mistakes I was making. Getting caught up in the storm is easy because it's only just happened.

The next girl will be different but not the same. You'll carry the lessons forward, you'll likely become stronger & you'll maybe attract someone you couldn't have before because you weren't ready.

The other truth is that this will happen again, so you may want to get comfortable with the feeling and understand that it will pass. But that shouldn't deter you from pushing forward.

Overall, see this as an opportunity for reform & development. You may surprise yourself.

Thanks a lot for this Spenny. Truly.

Very optimistic and truthful at the same time

It’s great someone who’s only slightly older than me can give me this perspective.

 

[Mr. Tycoon]

Lmao ur right I been talking to some and it’s definitely healthy but I do think of her still when I’m not talking with them and when I’m talking with them sometimes too

when

Lmao ur right I been talking to some and it’s definitely healthy but I do think of her still when I’m not talking with them and when I’m talking with them sometimes too

because you still didn't close the deal with them. You have left out the most important action you have to take in order to get sorted. You know which one..

 

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[Mikkel]

Learn from your mistakes. Improve yourself. Make yourself into a man that your future wife and children will be proud of.

Every girl you are with will define your life in pursuit to find your wife. Once your have found your wife, all the others girls don't matter. Though your wife may care more about how many girls you were with before her(some, not all).

Also, two people may be perfect for each other when they are older but not compatible only years earlier. Timing is important for a relationship. Whether or not your relationship could have worked out, you may never know. But we can be sure that the timing was just not right... and that's okay.

 

[PureA]

Oh to be 16 again! (I'm only 29 but @ 16 I don't even think my brain was on)

I'll start off by saying it probably feels like the end of the world, and it absolutely isn't, the first heartbreak is always the worst, and then it's uphill from there provided that you grow and educate yourself.

Time heals everything. It WILL get better, and you WILL look back and laugh at this.

The evolutionary reason for the emotion that you feel is because our 50,000 year old brain still thinks we live in tribes (of around 100 people) and so when we break up with a girl, it feels like the end of the world because our brain thinks we blew one of our very few chances of love/mating/reproducing.

Good news! There are 4 billion more women out there.

As to what you can do now...

Focus on being a better man. Business, friends, hobbies, health.

What kind of man would the girl of your dreams want to be with? Work towards that vision.

The truth is that as a young man the deck is stacked against you, you don't understand the world, women, and what makes people tick.

As you get older (as you work on becoming better), the 'game' becomes increasingly easier (massive uptick around 25), when you begin to possess a lot of the qualities that women are inherently looking for.

You stop being the 'buyer', and become the seller. Women pursue you (if you've done the work).

Some of this stuff has bad reputation, but mostly because people want to believe in fairytales. They want to believe women are this complex web of unsolvable logic in order to not take responsibility for their reality.

Personally, this information took me from, chasing girls that I thought were below me (and getting rejected), to being pursued by model-level women. I've now been in an amazing relationship for the last 4 years with the girl of my dreams (I literally wrote a list of all characteristics mental/physical that I wanted in a woman - she checks every box and some).

You don't have to accept all this information, it just gives you a roadmap to make sense of the chaos and you will begin to see things click into place. Behaviours that were previously baffling, start to make complete sense.

Book recommendations:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0762415339/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B079P4XJ54/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01E61AYRM/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01EIA833S/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

 

[Hein Oosthuysen]

How can I stop thinking of her?

Accept that she doesn't feel anything for you anymore. Recognize that you should only give your headspace to things or people who deserve it. Then stop thinking of her.

How do I stop feeling so guilty?

Simple. Take 1 hour to analyze the possible mistakes you made in your relationship. Don't repeat them next time. Then stop feeling guilty.

Will I always regret this and think of her when I'm 60 or will I forget about her once I get a new girl?

Bro you're 16. You're still going to meet thousands of people in your life. There are girls around that are better than your ex in every aspect. Just go out there and meet them. But don't do it just because you "feel lonely". If you feel lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.

Will I ever find another like her or was she special since she was my first everything?

Yes you will, calm down.

 

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[heavy_industry]

DO NOT try to numb your emotions by chasing other girls or engaging in mindless hedonistic activities.

This is consumer loser behavior, and you are also going to rob yourself of a very important lesson:

• Relationships are not forever.
• People are not forever.
• You are not forever.

This is part of the catastrophe of life, and you are fully responsible for navigating this situation and handling your emotions with maturity.

Get used to this feeling, because all people are going to exit from your life - in one way or another.

---

Now for some actionable advice:

Actions express priorities. You are no longer her #1 priority, therefore you got dumped.

There is no (and should be no) bulletproof solution for preventing this from happening - as people have their own volition and have the freedom to end any relationship, at any time, and for any reason.

But if you want to reduce the probability of getting dumped in the future, become the kind of man who provides an insane amount of value to others:

• Become physically and mentally strong
• Be smart, well-read, well-traveled, well-educated, sharp, and articulated AF
• Be a successful business owner and a man who contributes greatly to society
• Develop character: compassion, kindness, courage, determination, maturity, honesty, etc.

Good luck, and let's get to work.

 

[ZF Lee]

People appeared in your life for you to learn something about yourself.

Maybe the lesson is don’t treat people for granted.

The unfortunate thing is reading the lines...it does appear OP got taken for granted, as much as he tried his best.

They want to believe women are this complex web of unsolvable logic in order to not take responsibility for their reality.

There is a reason I don't join a lot of young Christian events these days.
When you have the folks on stage saying that God will drop the ideal partner into their laps...and to just wait for the 'season'...I know a lot of people are gonna be disappointed.

Even if you have the ideal partner in your arms, shit can still go wrong.

You can imagine what they will say when it comes to talking about business or money...

I believe the ladies do want to be heard and recognised-- if we are willing to catch the hints.

But if you want to reduce the probability of getting dumped in the future, become the kind of man who provides an insane amount of value to others:

• Become physically and mentally strong
• Be smart, well-read, well-traveled, well-educated, sharp, and articulated AF
• Be a successful business owner and a man who contributes greatly to society
• Develop character: compassion, kindness, courage, determination, maturity, honesty, etc.

Unfortunately there will be girls (or even guys) who will dump you even if you have all these things, or have shown clear effort in growing all of these. It's good to filter them out-- but choices have consequences.

The day they realise what they lost out-- will be very dark.

 

[heavy_industry]

Unfortunately there will be girls (or even guys) who will dump you even if you have all these things, or have shown clear effort in growing all of these.

No, it's not unfortunate.

I've said it very clearly in my post: People have the freedom of choice.

Just because you are a highly valuable man or woman, it doesn't mean that you will never get dumped. That's a preposterous idea.

I'm not preaching any red pill bullshit.

---

What I was saying is that if you stack the deck in your favor and have a lot to put on the table, the PROBABILITY of getting dumped decreases.

Who has a better chance of building a long-term healthy relationship?

• The wise, competent, and productive businessman who delivers value to the masses and leads his team to victory?
• Or the weak, emotionally unstable, pathetic socialist who moans on Reddit about the unfairness of life?

You decide what is the best strategy.

But just because you are using the best strategy it doesn't mean that it's always going to work.

Life is complex and people are complex.

Building healthy relationships is HARD and it takes a lot of work and thoughtfulness.

 

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[Xeon]

 

[Kybalion]

Before I went on my 1-week vacation she was so loving but once I got back she was acting completely distant. I told her we needed to have a talk because I was concerned and she broke up with me that day saying "we aren't compatible".

You should be angry.

There is a HIGH chance someone more "compatible" showed up during that 1-week vacation (you'll find out in a month).

Even if that's not the case she has made her decision - and it implies she doesn't value you/doesn't feel attraction either way.

And about the guilt thing. Yes, you made mistakes. But she made mistakes as well. If she is not willing to work on resolving them with you the bottom line is: she doesn't value you anymore and you shouldn't want someone like that in your life.

As far as how to get over the pain - just wait a month or two until your brain chemistry goes back to normal (the bonding chemicals are just a drug to pair-bond mammals until they produce offspring). You're literally in a withdrawal.

The only thing that you can do right now is go no contact, remove her from your social media feeds, and ditch the "can I get you back pleaaaaaase" mentality. If you don't it will take more time to "delete" her from your brain. As far as you should be concerned right now - she is dead.

I have ZERO feelings for girls I used to "love" 3, 5, 10 years ago, so you'll be fine as well.

P.S.

If you make this shift she'll likely reach out to you when she starts to feel lonely/misses your attention/things don't work out with your replacement. Do with that what you will, but I'd advise never committing to a serious relationship with her again. She has already proven that she is unreliable and prone to drama.

 

[Black_Dragon43]

People at 18 have no loyalty because they have their whole lives ahead and little to lose regardless of what they do. So they experiment and take more risks. It’s natural.

Once they see what “real life” is like, and how alone they really are, that will stop, and they will begin to develop loyalty and a few deeper relationships.

 

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[Simon Angel]

Two weeks ago my first love who I've been dating for 1.5 years broke up with me. For context, I'm 16 years old and turning 17 in a few months.

Before I went on my 1-week vacation she was so loving but once I got back she was acting completely distant. I told her we needed to have a talk because I was concerned and she broke up with me that day saying "we aren't compatible". The next day she wrote me a letter explaining that she broke up with me because I treated her poorly and we were never able to connect. I apologized to her after reading the letter and she accepted my apology, but was freaking out telling me about her problems at home and how she's having a crisis since she doesn't know what to do with her future. Then I asked her if she wants to give me a second chance and she told me that she is losing feelings for me.

Now I did treat her poorly looking back but I honestly never realized and thought she took things as a joke because she never mentioned anything and would just laugh. Now I feel guilty that its all my fault we broke up and I miss her a lot. I wish she cheated on me so then I can be mad and forget about her but I really loved her and still do I feel soooo bad.

Since then, sometimes I feel great and I'm filled with optimism but sometimes (especially at night or when Im alone) I feel so unbelievably sad and lose the will to do anything. I shared all my goals with her and she was a huge motivation for my business goals. We had a dream to go to Japan together when we graduate which motivated me but now I feel like its all meaningless.

So I came to the forum to ask for advice since you're all wise and have more life experience than me.

How can I stop thinking of her?
How do I stop feeling so guilty?
Will I always regret this and think of her when I'm 60 or will I forget about her once I get a new girl?
Will I ever find another like her or was she special since she was my first everything?

A similar story happened to me when I was 19. First girl, first everything for both, the relationship lasted 2 years.

Half of it was long distance, so it was a very infatuating kind of love because whenever we were physically together, it was like fireworks.

It was the type of relationship where we felt we were soulmates. We'd envision ourselves growing old together and, somehow, were able to pretty much telepathically communicate. I shit you not.

I'll give you some advice, beginning with what not to do: Wallowing in the grief for more than a few weeks.

I was really hurt. More hurt than anything else in my life in fact. I got depressed, developed severe health problems, and spent the following two years dying while seeing her seemingly happy on social media with someone else.

It was the worst time in my life. I felt like something (In this case, someone) was taken from me that I can't go on living without. You know how when in an old couple one dies the other quickly follows them? It's an actual medical phenomenon and I was physically deteriorating from the grief.

I had it all planned out. My business had just taken off... I created it so we could always be together rather than long-distance half the time. We were both fairly poor - she was in the UK because her parents had lost everything here in Bulgaria.

I had plans on how I was going to propose, was already thinking about kids, seeing her in a wedding dress, etc.

So the grief was really, really immense. And honestly...

I'm still not 100% over her. In fact, I don't think I ever will be and I've accepted it.

This was 7 years ago. I'm 26 now and have been in a serious relationship for 4.5 years with another girl. I still sometimes have dreams about my ex and I wake up feeling like a heartbroken fool.

So is there a way to take back control over this situation? Yeah, kind of.

First of all, you have to accept breakups suck. Maybe she'll get over it before you do—actually, she most certainly will because most women tend to deal with loss better than men do—and that's fine.

Second, you must realize this will leave a permanent fingerprint in your life. To an extent, you'll probably always love her (or at least for a long, long while) and that's fine.

She'll be sleeping with other dudes and doing God knows what else from now on. The fact that she gave you the "I'm not feeling it anymore" speech means someone else probably came into the picture.

It's tough to balance being attractive and awesome while also being a "good" man in a relationship. While you were working on your business and planning shit, some dude was probably sexting with her on Snapchat. I know it sucks to hear, but it is what it is.

Here's a pattern I've noticed with women and so have some of my friends aged 25-45:

They don't love like we do.

I've seen my ex do it. I've seen my current girlfriend do it. My mother, my cousin, my friends' girlfriends, etc...

They love you for the way you make them feel.

It's not really objective in most cases. You could be a very kind-hearted, attractive, and successful man with all of the best intentions, etc...

But you aren't eliciting an emotional reaction from her. And she leaves you for the sociopathic drug dealer in your neighborhood.

Why? Because he excited her, and you didn't. Because he's unpredictable (in both bad and good ways) and you're not.

Women don't want to date that trash deep down, but usually those guys live life on their terms (and have a lot of options, ironically) while the "quality" men nowadays put their women on a pedestal and demonstrate that they have zero options (even if that's not actually the case). The former elicits feelings, the latter promotes boredom.

You keep talking about your business and big plans for the future... While the dude is in the here and now, flirting with her over text talking about how hot she looked in her new skirt and how they should hang out at his place and smoke weed.

She's thinking she shouldn't go because she has a boyfriend (you). But she can't help but feel excited by this. So the solution is to break up with you (by doing so, she's not a cheater) and be free to do it with a clear conscience.

Make her feel, or she's out. And if she stays because she's principled, loyal, etc – she will be unhappy and resentful.

A lot more can be said on this topic, but like most men in 2024, I too have consumed an ungodly amount of red pill content for the past 10 years - I recommend you do not go down that path, it's not gospel and a lot of it is bitter and cynical half-truths.

But what I said above is something I've seen way too many times, bro. And it's not something to get mad about either, it's just the way things are. The moment you accept that you'll be better off.

 

[Panos Daras]

Hang in there buddy. 16-25 is a terrible age to be.
Everything sucks.
Your hormones are everywhere and you feel emotional and overwhelmed quite often.
Everyone experiences this. It gets much better from there, like 1000 times better.
It is OK to feel emotional and without direction.
Just try to take it easy. Embrace that you will have emotions but do not believe that what you feel is necessarily "the truth".
Do not say to your ex things that you will regret later. Just let it go and appreciate the time you had together. I know it is hard.
Time is the best doctor in that case.
In case you feel overwhelmed just take a short walk.
It is the most underrated advice ever.

 

[NervesOfSteel]

How can I stop thinking of her?
How do I stop feeling so guilty?
Will I always regret this and think of her when I'm 60 or will I forget about her once I get a new girl?
Will I ever find another like her or was she special since she was my first everything?

From my personal experience, I can testify that there is no specific solution for this problem.

Time will heal you, and the faster you let her go, the quicker you will heal.

The gym always helps during this time!

 

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[AceVentures]

Let yourself feel.

No logic will budge you anyway.

Time will heal.

Every cycle of relationship>single brings meaningful changes in who you are.

Your only task is to steer the changes in the direction which will better serve you, your ambitions and your relationships.

 

[Black_Dragon43]

But you aren't eliciting an emotional reaction from her. And she leaves you for the sociopathic drug dealer in your neighborhood.

Why would you let her get affiliated with the sociopathic drug dealer in the neighborhood in the first place? Many of these relationship issues happen because you allow harmful weeds to grow in the garden without plucking them out in time. Nobody just "falls" for the sociopathic drug dealer in the neighborhood without interacting with them many many times in the past. It's all those prior interactions and your blindness to them that puts you in the respective predicament.

 

[Simon Angel]

Why would you let her get affiliated with the sociopathic drug dealer in the neighborhood in the first place? Many of these relationship issues happen because you allow harmful weeds to grow in the garden without plucking them out in time. Nobody just "falls" for the sociopathic drug dealer in the neighborhood without interacting with them many many times in the past. It's all those prior interactions and your blindness to them that puts you in the respective predicament.

It's a hypothetical scenario that I came up with for his age group.

Also, people can and will do things behind your back and lie to you. Many people in marriages are being cheated on for 2,3,4, and even 5+ years before they find out, no matter how much they try to stay on top of things.

If you don't have a stay-at-home wife, do you know what she's doing at work or on her lunch break? And if she is a SAHW, how can you be sure she's home and not getting railed next door?

No matter how much you try to control these things, shit can and does still hit the fan.

 

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[Black_Dragon43]

It's a hypothetical scenario that I came up with for his age group.

Also, people can and will do things behind your back and lie to you. Many people in marriages are being cheated on for 2,3,4, and even 5+ years before they find out, no matter how much they try to stay on top of things.

If you don't have a stay-at-home wife, do you know what she's doing at work or on her lunch break? And if she is a SAHW, how can you be sure she's home and not getting railed next door?

No matter how much you try to control these things, shit can and does still hit the fan.

That's all true, I don't disagree. Nevertheless, I believe you can mitigate the risk.

Not sure how things are in Bulgaria, but here at least in the city neighbors don't really talk with each other, so there's a very small chance of anything like that happening. Furthermore, even if your significant other wanted to do something of that sort, she would clearly understand it's very risky due to the neighbor status that the people have. Maybe the neighbor falls in love with her, which will spill over and create problems, and so on.

Regarding work, it depends on the work environment and her goals. Women, at least here, mostly try to keep a certain appearance at work – even if they wanted to cheat, they would HATE the whole office knowing that about them. This isn't to say that it cannot happen, just that for the most part it's unlikely, unless your significant other does something like a night shift at a hospital, or jobs that offer a high degree of privacy.

There are also other policies you can implement as a couple – such as sharing email passwords, phone passwords and so on. Sure, a dedicated person, committed to cheating in secret will still find a way to get around it. But from what I've noticed that takes a degree of dedication that most people simply don't have the focus or energy for. Most people are actually very bad at hiding things – I'm sure you could meet a James Bond-level spy who deletes every compromising message on the spot, makes sure they empty trash, creates new email accounts you don't know of, makes sure to delete history that references the new email every time they check it and so on. But that's rare. And by that point, if she really wants to cheat, she's just better off saying she wants to break up to your face, than cheating and making her life a living hell trying to hide it afterwards.

So yeah, take precautionary measures, don't live in a fairy tale, but at the same time don't go around always being paranoid that your significant other is cheating on you, because you'll just make your life miserable, and may actually make her more likely to cheat (or break up with you) in the first place. Nevertheless, I think that overall you and everyone else have a lot more control than you imagine. Control at all stages: picking the right person, making sure goals/values align, meeting their needs, solid communication, nurturing of common values etc.