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Being in a relationship with a slowlaner...

pickeringmt

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This is bullshit when it comes to relationships.

One person can change. Two people can change together.

One person in a relationship CANNOT change if the other will not. It is impossible.

Bending your life, compartmentalizing, and any other lie you tell yourself will only delay and intensify the inevitable problems and eventually erosion of the relationship.

Bad relationships are like a bad pair of shoes - you know right away that it doesn't fit, but you put them on anyways. You tell yourself its fine, but the longer you wait, the more damage you do to yourself. You will inevitably have to admit to yourself that you are hurting yourself and it isn't worth it, and you will look back and realize how stupid it was to ignore something you knew the whole time.
 
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prashantcoupons

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Both have their unique mind and mindset so need to hassle each other, You can do things in your own way and just show her how you can do things and how much potential do you have but always think before you do anything she is thinking for you.
 

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Wow what a thread... I guess I got lucky because my ex suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder with Covert Narcissist traits ... Once I started my journey she wasnt getting all my attention and quickly detached from me and made it possible (though far from easy) for me to leave and start my Entrepreneurial journey! Now my story "The Scorpian and the Fox" is helping thousands of people on Quora detach from similar toxic partners.

... Stay Safe out there! :)
 

Youngrahn

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I admit I have never been in a relationship with fast-laners in my life. Even the man that I'm married to now is far from a fast-laner.
There were times when I found myself arguing, losing sleep and developing a stomach ulcer while in the process of encouraging my loved ones to become fast-laners. Especially the two most important men in most women's lives, father and husband.

What I have learned from that experience is that

1. I should stop wanting to have like-minded people in life but start finding open-minded people.
2. I should stop wasting my time and energy trying to convert anyone to fast-laners and utilize the time and energy for the best version of myself.

Anyway, I could really relate to your story and I really hope that you find someone who you deserve to be with.
 
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Elif

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I think there are basically 2 ways to solve this:

1. Stop looking for hints that people doubt you and prove her wrong by succeeding
"somebody has already done that" - "I'll do it better"
"be realistic" - "I am"

2. If she's constantly doubting you and your choices or you feel it's really dragging you down, end the relationship
 

hydemx

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I think there are basically 2 ways to solve this:

1. Stop looking for hints that people doubt you and prove her wrong by succeeding
"somebody has already done that" - "I'll do it better"
"be realistic" - "I am"

2. If she's constantly doubting you and your choices or you feel it's really dragging you down, end the relationship
My fiancee dumped me yesterday and I'm here with insomnia and a broken heart. But essentially yes, I felt she never supported me in my endeavors and at least now I can dedicate my full time to chase my dreams.

Sent from my Redmi Note 5 using Tapatalk
 
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maverick

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I've established some ground rules to live by so thought I would share them.

Never project your reality onto others. I cannot expect other people to experience and perceive the world as I see it. We all have our own thoughts, motivations and doctrines.

Show more than you tell. Meaning: stop talking about ideas / ambitions. Show progress; share successes.

Relationships are investments. Sometimes putting down your laptop to watch some television with your girlfriend/wife isn't such a bad thing after all. It's not about the actual content, it's about forming connections with your loved ones.

Nobody lives forever. You don't want to wake up one day and find that you've achieved your monetary goals yet have failed to form meaningful connections with anyone.
 

maverick

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Never place the burden of making you happy, successful or whatever onto somebody else.
 

Primeperiwinkle

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I just liked like 50 different replies on this post. Posts like these remind me why all seven of my best friends in the world were met on a forum many years ago.. Good stuff here.

But specifically. I’d like to thank Nadia for this, “Don't comfort a man. A man evolves and grows into a man through Pressure. Pressure makes a man STEP UP.” God how I wish I had met you twenty years ago. I would hug you today if I could.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
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Megan Kay

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1. I should stop wanting to have like-minded people in life but start finding open-minded people.

This is good stuff. The process of fastlane is such an internal one. I spent a long time worrying about validating it outside myself by people who thought the same way. I came to realize people who think the same way are about as rare as unicorns. Took a lot of pressure off, actually. Now, I just focus.
 

The Abundant Man

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I've established some ground rules to live by so thought I would share them.

Never project your reality onto others. I cannot expect other people to experience and perceive the world as I see it. We all have our own thoughts, motivations and doctrines.

Show more than you tell. Meaning: stop talking about ideas / ambitions. Show progress; share successes.

Relationships are investments. Sometimes putting down your laptop to watch some television with your girlfriend/wife isn't such a bad thing after all. It's not about the actual content, it's about forming connections with your loved ones.

Nobody lives forever. You don't want to wake up one day and find that you've achieved your monetary goals yet have failed to form meaningful connections with anyone.
This is all common sense
 

James Klymus

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Translation: "If you become super successful and grow in your experience, you'll be leaving me behind. I don't want to be left behind."

^^^ YES

Think about the meaning behind what she's saying. You're really ambitious and that scares a lot of "slowlaners" because they believe that you having success will cause you to change and leave them behind.

Definitely be wise in your decision to marry this woman, if you decide you aren't comparable and get divorced, then you'll probably be writing her BIG checks for a very long time.

There are plenty of horror stories of entrepreneurs getting divorced and having to pay alimony out the... you know.
 
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Timmy C

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Translation: "If you become super successful and grow in your experience, you'll be leaving me behind. I don't want to be left behind."

^^^ YES

Think about the meaning behind what she's saying. You're really ambitious and that scares a lot of "slowlaners" because they believe that you having success will cause you to change and leave them behind.

Definitely be wise in your decision to marry this woman, if you decide you aren't comparable and get divorced, then you'll probably be writing her BIG checks for a very long time.

There are plenty of horror stories of entrepreneurs getting divorced and having to pay alimony out the... you know.

I can vouch for this I lost $27,000 in a breakup. If you live together more than 6 months in Australia it's considered marriage.

That hurt.

Best be sure you got the right one otherwise could take you years to claw your way back.

That's my biases coming out, I'm sure others have had great experiences.
 

Primeperiwinkle

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If you’re worried about this just get a prenup. No big deal. If somebody loves you enough to accept your extremely rational fears, they’ll sign. A smart woman will negotiate terms too so she’s taken care of if you cheat. That way you can spoil your chick rotten, if you want, without worrying. I mean.. is it romantic? No. But it IS practical.

All is fair in love and war.

ETA: I just realized I posted on this again. I feel like it’s one of those things I could discuss all day.. shared values are super important to relationships but I think shared goals are too. If somebody is heading to South Africa and all their significant other wants to do is go to Iceland.. you’re both in trouble. But the real question.. why are so many of us attracted to ppl who don’t have their sh*t together? Hero complex maybe?
 
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Rabby

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I've seen people who are content to stay together with different mindsets. An entrepreneur and a housewife or househusband, or secretary type. People can be happy that way, but the non-entrepreneurial person needs to NOT take on anxieties and decisions related to business and risk taking. When the relatively inactive person (in the entrepreneurial sense, not taking anything away form domesticity etc) suddenly wants to control things or make decisions about areas where they are not competent... well, that's a disaster.

People can also "change together," as has been pointed out. This requires a commitment by both, and understanding that they wish to grow together. They do not necessarily have to be at the same level in mindset and experience, but being very far apart will require both of them to make accommodations. How so? Well, if you're a Level 9 Entrepreneur (in the D&D sense), and they are a Level 2 Employee, you will have to slow down a little and explain things to them so that they do not freak out about what's going on. And they will have to practice quitting their job and having conversations with weird people who they are meeting for the first time at a conference or whatever. You'll both be a little uncomfortable sometimes... but it's an absolute requirement that you agree which way you're going. It's not likely to work if the Employee wants to convert the Entrepreneur to the Time for Money religion ;)

My wife of 15 years originally thought a government job was the most safe and secure thing you could have. She now thinks otherwise, and we spend time together hacking business and making products. She's better than me at many things. But we had to agree that there was something we wanted together, somewhere to go. It could not have worked otherwise. And, I admit, it still required a multi-year propaganda campaign on my part, and I might have been able to spend that time making millions or whatever. But I did it for love ;)

I just liked like 50 different replies on this post. Posts like these remind me why all seven of my best friends in the world were met on a forum many years ago.. Good stuff here.

But specifically. I’d like to thank Nadia for this, “Don't comfort a man. A man evolves and grows into a man through Pressure. Pressure makes a man STEP UP.” God how I wish I had met you twenty years ago. I would hug you today if I could.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Noooo!! Stop doing this to usss! Mean girls :<
 
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Primeperiwinkle

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Noooo!! Stop doing this to usss! Mean girls :<

Not mean. In my case I’m a recovering “submissive wife” who was married 16 yrs to a man I waited on hand and foot.. even though he hardly ever worked. I wish I had learned how to stand up for myself a long time ago.. but better late than never. :)
 

The Abundant Man

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But the real question.. why are so many of us attracted to ppl who don’t have their sh*t together? Hero complex maybe?
Beats me...

Read any book by Dr. Geoffrey Miller(Professor of Evolutionary Psychology) and Dr. David M Buss(Professor of Evolutionary Psychology)

They both say that women look for "Effective Men" by Evolution. Meaning women look for guys who have their sh*t together. Well, you don't necessarily need to have your sh*t together but as long as you're "effective"
 

Rabby

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Not mean. In my case I’m a recovering “submissive wife” who was married 16 yrs to a man I waited on hand and foot.. even though he hardly ever worked. I wish I had learned how to stand up for myself a long time ago.. but better late than never. :)

Good for you! My comment was tongue-in-cheek of course. My wife has no problem standing up for herself and staking out territory. My life in the pressure cooker... :happy:
 
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The Abundant Man

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"It’s not about learning lines or routines or dressing up a certain way. It’s about unmasking the unique and attractive man within yourself and joyfully expressing it to the women of the world.

That may sound vague, but it has very real repercussions on your interactions with women.

People choose who they’re going to be with based on how they feel around that person. For us men, it’s often quite simple. A beautiful woman makes us feel aroused, so we pursue sex with her. If we feel cared for, respected and admired by her, we pursue a relationship with her.

But women experience sexuality differently than we do, so it can be a bit more complicated and hard for us to decipher what makes them feel attracted to us. But the principle remains the same. Women go with men who make them feel a certain way. There are a number of ways to elicit emotion in a woman, and the way in which you go about eliciting that emotion will determine the quality and quantity (or lack thereof) of the relationships you have with women.

What’s I’m saying is this: you’ll find a lot of varying advice out there on how to attract women — some will say to tease them, some will say to be selfish and rude around them, some will say to buy them gifts, others will say to be cold and calculating — whichever of these avenues you choose to pursue with women, that is the corresponding relationship you’ll create.


The way which you pursue women will determine which ones you end up with.
If you choose to be cold, calculating and manipulative with women, you will naturally screen for women who will create a cold, calculating and manipulative relationship with you. If you pursue women with a neediness and an idealization of them, then you will attract equally naive and insecure women who will create a relationship of neediness and false idolization. If you pursue women in a rude and harsh manner, you will attract women who respond to harsh emotions and elicit harsh emotions themselves.

I encourage men to pursue women with honesty and authenticity because this screens for women who are honest, authentic and conscientious themselves, making for far better relationships.

The other reason I encourage men to pursue women with authenticity is that communicating your sexuality with women openly forces you to become a confident and integrated man. In the short-term, this can be more painful and difficult. But in the long run, this reduces emotional neediness and molds you into a bold and confident man who draws women to him like a magnet." -Mark Manson(Author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F**k)
 

Bertram

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I'm currently in an awesome relationship and we get along amazingly, the only issue I have is when it comes to the future.

I'm like some here, I have a slowlane(ish) job (i'm a contractor, so have the freedom to leave whenever and get paid around 5x more) and I'm lucky in the sense i'm rarely monitored and am in a coding environment so I can do my own projects without getting caught.

My current girlfriend just doesn't have the same mindset or share the same beliefs as me and it can hold me back like a sea anchor. I'm starting new business ventures at the moment and she'll say "somebody has already done that", "be realistic" and she is looking to make her way in the company and get that pension at the end! I want to know if others have crossed this bridge? She just doesn't see the same visions and has barriers in her mind which I have eliminated by years of mental masterbation.

I have tried to get her to read TMF , 4HWW, RDPD and Think and Grow Rich so she can see why my mind set and thoughts are different but she says she's not ready. It's not like I want to change her as I'm with her for her but I think she thinks if I make the jump and try and pull into the fastlane, will she still fit into my life and what if it fails. We all know failure is good but to a slowlaner it can be difficult to understand.

Has anyone else been in this situation and should I be more inclined to keep my current ideas and goals to myself and do them in the background so the change happens while the relationship is going on and she doesn't notice the change as much.

Personalities, traits, values and beliefs can wildly differ in an excellent bond. But there are cultural norms which give men and women clearly different expectations from each other regarding their interactions.

In most contemporary cultures, a man wants to experience a woman's gratitude. A woman wants to feel needed or necessary. You both need appreciation. You need to work this into your everyday conversation. Try it. What do you think would happen if she understood that you really need her to read The Millionaire Fastlane ?

If you work an 80 hr. week you can still appreciate the difference it makes for her to be in your life. This feeling naturally arises in your interactions. If it does not, however, because you're distracted and benumbed by work, get some skills to switch your gears into perceptual awareness. Feelings will shake free.

Pay attention when you communicate. Listen for the hidden messages in which she asks to be able to help. Get this: criticism, frustration, and skepticism can be a disguised alarm call to you both that you are not giving enough signals that you need her. Likewise, if you feel stiffed by the lack of thanks from her, don't just drop her and not learn a thing about love. Do things to bring out the male-female yin-yang of needing gratitude and needing to be wanted. Have a conversation in which she can give valuable input. Re-arrange the furniture together. Workout together or cook or have sex or buy wine or hunt or rock climb, and affirm those good feelings. Get the male/female validation in working order.

Also you know the reasons you want to be with her. Just make sure you actually express them to her.

Great love takes work, but this experience should never feel like a McDonald's shift or a first responder's job. It should not feel like a job, ever. It's more like the effort in a good weight-lifting session.

Another major negative impact of your massive work schedule on your relationship can be uncertainty. You might work weekends and have only the evenings together. Make sure she can look forward to the date. Plan it ahead. She can still have the pleasure of looking forward to it.
 
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The Abundant Man

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guy93777

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Nobody lives forever. You don't want to wake up one day and find that you've achieved your monetary goals yet have failed to form meaningful connections with anyone.

i don't believe in meaningful connections with anyone whether it be love or friendship.

this is TV BS

this thing is not reality at all. :



25202



i believe in human nature.

a capitalist society is not a communist one.

remember Ayn Rand and the virtue of selfisfness ?

you can't be selfish in a capitalist society and care at the same time . you have to choose

yes this is not politicaly correct but i don't care. i care about the truth


quotation :

"LAW 2: NEVER PUT TOO MUCH TRUST IN FRIENDS, LEARN HOW TO USE ENEMIES

Be wary of friends—they will betray you more quickly, for they are easily aroused to envy. They also become spoiled and tyrannical. But hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend, because he has more to prove. In fact, you have more to fear from friends than from enemies. If you have no enemies, find a way to make them. "

from the 48 laws of power .





.
 

The Abundant Man

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i don't believe in meaningful connections with anyone whether it be love or friendship.

this is TV BS

this thing is not reality at all. :



View attachment 25202



i believe in human nature.

a capitalist society is not a communist one.

remember Ayn Rand and the virtue of selfisfness ?

you can't be selfish in a capitalist society and care at the same time . you have to choose

yes this is not politicaly correct but i don't care. i care about the truth


quotation :

"LAW 2: NEVER PUT TOO MUCH TRUST IN FRIENDS, LEARN HOW TO USE ENEMIES

Be wary of friends—they will betray you more quickly, for they are easily aroused to envy. They also become spoiled and tyrannical. But hire a former enemy and he will be more loyal than a friend, because he has more to prove. In fact, you have more to fear from friends than from enemies. If you have no enemies, find a way to make them. "

from the 48 laws of power .





.
25203
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foyAOoVagWw


Hey man. I just want to let you know we care about you
 

Primeperiwinkle

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minivanman

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This is why I let my wife work the job of her dreams..... although she does keep my books for me. As for the other businesses I'm involved with, she is clueless about them. Not her thing and I like it like that.
 

StrikingViper69

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And that Ayn Rand was an immoral crazy mean person. This is just one link.


That article has no sources whatsoever.

I've not looked into the affair between Rand and Branden too much, but:
  • It was mutually consensual with all parties involved
  • The Brandens smeared Rand afterwards, releasing a book with outright lies in it (The Passion of Ayn Rand)
  • Most of the above lies were outed in a book titled The Passion of Ayn Rand's Critics, which was written with access to her personal journals and letters
The rest of the article is then literal non-sense.

I've read her work pretty widely and the following corrections to the 'article' apply:

How Rand’s Philosophy Seduced Young Minds

Rands idea of an objective metaphysical reality can be summed up as "The universe exists". At this point in the consideration of philosophy, whether you agree with it or not, emotions have no place. That is not to say that emotions have no place in general, just that at this stage in the though process, emotion isn't something to (yet) be considered. Rand's philosophy does not say that emotions have no place.

Her philosophy states that emotions are not knowledge - for example, you wouldn't choose the mix of carbon to introduce to iron to make steel, based on how you feel. You would measure and figure it out. Using emotion to make that decision could literally be disastrous. Her philosophy is not against emotions, it's against substituting emotions for knowledge.

"Rand’s integrity was her vanity, and it consisted of getting as much money and control as possible, copulating with whomever she wanted regardless of who would get hurt, and her always being right. To equate one’s selfishness, vanity, and egotism with one’s integrity liberates young people from the struggle to distinguish integrity from selfishness, vanity, and egotism."

This is a statement with nothing to back it up. Rands work does a good job of explaining her approach to selfishness and egotism. Critics of Rand often make her out to be the next Nietszche, someone who takes what they want at the expense of others. Her philosophy revolves around the trader principle - take what you want as long as everyone involved is involved voluntarily. This is not the perspective of someone acting regardless of others.


The quote in the section "Rand's Legacy":
"I am done with the monster of “we,” the word of serfdom, of plunder, of misery, falsehood and shame. And now I see the face of god, and I raise this god over the earth, this god whom men have sought since men came into being, this god who will grant them joy and peace and pride. This god, this one word: “I."

Actually comes from a character in a book she wrote - Anthem. Great book. It was a metaphor, it was meant to be poetic, not literal. Notice how the source of the quote is not given.


Red flags for the article are that no sources were given at all... and that it was on Salon.

The Virtue of Selfishness and Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal are good introductions to her ideas on philosophy.
 

lunga ngcobo

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I'm currently in an awesome relationship and we get along amazingly, the only issue I have is when it comes to the future.

I'm like some here, I have a slowlane(ish) job (i'm a contractor, so have the freedom to leave whenever and get paid around 5x more) and I'm lucky in the sense i'm rarely monitored and am in a coding environment so I can do my own projects without getting caught.

My current girlfriend just doesn't have the same mindset or share the same beliefs as me and it can hold me back like a sea anchor. I'm starting new business ventures at the moment and she'll say "somebody has already done that", "be realistic" and she is looking to make her way in the company and get that pension at the end! I want to know if others have crossed this bridge? She just doesn't see the same visions and has barriers in her mind which I have eliminated by years of mental masterbation.

I have tried to get her to read TMF , 4HWW, RDPD and Think and Grow Rich so she can see why my mind set and thoughts are different but she says she's not ready. It's not like I want to change her as I'm with her for her but I think she thinks if I make the jump and try and pull into the fastlane, will she still fit into my life and what if it fails. We all know failure is good but to a slowlaner it can be difficult to understand.

Has anyone else been in this situation and should I be more inclined to keep my current ideas and goals to myself and do them in the background so the change happens while the relationship is going on and she doesn't notice the change as much.
I'll make an example. my best friend and I had this ambition of making millions when we grow up. but for the past few years he's left me alone on the quest. He found a girlfriend who is now the mother of his kids. 3 kids and counting and his girlfriend has disconnected him from all friends and his dreams. they now live in a 5m2 government home struggling to make ends meet.

I on the other hand own 12 studio apartments which im renting out. Im currently working on my website which you will soon hear about. my current girlfriend looks like she also is about to kill my dreams but i wont let her. she made it clear when she dismissed my idea of relocating to the US. said it was not possible and that i was dreaming too much.

my friend doesn't look like he will ever make it, although we'll never know. he chose the wrong girlfriend...
 
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Primeperiwinkle

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That article has no sources whatsoever.

I've not looked into the affair between Rand and Branden too much, but:
  • It was mutually consensual with all parties involved
  • The Brandens smeared Rand afterwards, releasing a book with outright lies in it (The Passion of Ayn Rand)
  • Most of the above lies were outed in a book titled The Passion of Ayn Rand's Critics, which was written with access to her personal journals and letters
The rest of the article is then literal non-sense.

I've read her work pretty widely and the following corrections to the 'article' apply:

How Rand’s Philosophy Seduced Young Minds

Rands idea of an objective metaphysical reality can be summed up as "The universe exists". At this point in the consideration of philosophy, whether you agree with it or not, emotions have no place. That is not to say that emotions have no place in general, just that at this stage in the though process, emotion isn't something to (yet) be considered. Rand's philosophy does not say that emotions have no place.

Her philosophy states that emotions are not knowledge - for example, you wouldn't choose the mix of carbon to introduce to iron to make steel, based on how you feel. You would measure and figure it out. Using emotion to make that decision could literally be disastrous. Her philosophy is not against emotions, it's against substituting emotions for knowledge.

"Rand’s integrity was her vanity, and it consisted of getting as much money and control as possible, copulating with whomever she wanted regardless of who would get hurt, and her always being right. To equate one’s selfishness, vanity, and egotism with one’s integrity liberates young people from the struggle to distinguish integrity from selfishness, vanity, and egotism."

This is a statement with nothing to back it up. Rands work does a good job of explaining her approach to selfishness and egotism. Critics of Rand often make her out to be the next Nietszche, someone who takes what they want at the expense of others. Her philosophy revolves around the trader principle - take what you want as long as everyone involved is involved voluntarily. This is not the perspective of someone acting regardless of others.


The quote in the section "Rand's Legacy":
"I am done with the monster of “we,” the word of serfdom, of plunder, of misery, falsehood and shame. And now I see the face of god, and I raise this god over the earth, this god whom men have sought since men came into being, this god who will grant them joy and peace and pride. This god, this one word: “I."

Actually comes from a character in a book she wrote - Anthem. Great book. It was a metaphor, it was meant to be poetic, not literal. Notice how the source of the quote is not given.


Red flags for the article are that no sources were given at all... and that it was on Salon.

The Virtue of Selfishness and Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal are good introductions to her ideas on philosophy.

I agree. The Salon was a bad source but it was an easy read for ppl to get my point.

Here’s another. Ayn Rand Trashes C.S. Lewis in Her Marginalia: He’s an “Abysmal Bastard”
 

Tourmaline

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Ayn Rand is not perfect by any means and some of her ideas are good, some are incoherent.

Selfishness is good, you will never find a successful person that is not selfish. Selfishness does not preclude helping others, but to help others at the repeated expense of yourself repeatedly does not make a successful person either.

You could say being selfish and self centered is bad. The ideal is to be selfish and other centered, help yourself while considering and helping others.
 

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