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Working through my biggest mental block. Here it is.

Jakeeck

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My biggest mental block: I can't seem to move on quickly from my successes. I must give myself extended pats on the back and tell myself how great I am every chance I get.

(btw, I'm not even remotely successful relative to many people here... but in my world, in my network... I see myself as quite successful)

I celebrate a success or brag about it (usually internally, but sometimes externally to others). What happens?

I get an ego boost. What does that do for me?

Makes me feel good for a little bit.

Then what?

I start to feel like crap because I’ve been dwelling on my success and my to-do’s aren’t getting done.

Then I think about how much potential I’m wasting. Probably about 50-60%.

If I just keep breaking through wall after wall, I’d be operating closer to 100%.

Why do I have to throw a mental masturbation party every time I break down a wall?

Is the root of it measuring myself against others? Why am I always monitoring my hourly and my income? Why am I thinking of how much other people are making, how much they’re working, in relation to me?

If I competed with myself every day, and tried to get better every day regardless of what anyone else was doing, would I reach my goals more effectively?

Or do I need to surround myself with people who are better than me so I get that motivation back? What I observe in nature is that life is just one big competition. People (even successful ones) try to convince us that it isn’t, and that we must drop the ego, but is this just some kind of coping mechanism where they don’t want to believe their achievements come from competition with others? I’m beginning to think it is a coping mechanism of that sort. You can’t just come out and say you’re competing against people. They won’t like you. Thus, you have to conceal it and make them think you’re not on a quest to feel superior to them.

Can I keep growing when I’m around a network with such low standards? I already feel so far ahead of them. There’s no competition anxiety. I feel superior.

That sounds bad but it’s honestly how I feel. They even tell me they’re jealous, which further feeds my ego, but I know it’s not what I need. That’s not going to help me grow. It’s going to make me complacent. If I had someone in my network who was far above me, who was telling me I was shit (or made me feel inadequate indirectly), I really feel like I’d have motivation again to keep pushing until I caught up and beat him or her.

Is this why surrounding yourself with a strong network is so important? For competition? So you don’t stagnate?

Stoicism seems like an obvious alternative, but where does motivation come from as a stoic? Where’s the drive? Where does that fire come from if the goal is to suppress emotion? What’s the payoff?

I know there’s a flaw in my thought pattern somewhere. I’m just trying to find some insight so I can use my logic and reason to rewire my brain into a more conducive approach, instead of celebrating excessively and stunting my potential.

Anyone ever have similar thoughts?
 
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Tiago

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Thank you for asking those questions.

What is the real challenge here? The question that if you had answered, would shift everything?

I'm asking this first to avoid going down the rabbit hole, because we can go in many directions.
 

Jakeeck

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Thank you for asking those questions.

What is the real challenge here? The question that if you had answered, would shift everything?

I'm asking this first to avoid going down the rabbit hole, because we can go in many directions.

Hey Tiago!

I think the real challenge for me here is not knowing the real *root* motivator behind human behavior.

I'm starting to believe it is solely competition, which contrasts with things I've learned in the past, so my beliefs are clashing.

I've come to a point where I've told myself, "okay stop thinking and theorizing... OBSERVE what is actually happening."

What I'm observing is that animal nature is ruthless. Competition rules. The weak die.

Why would humans be different? We used to kill the weak as well, using overt violence. However, we've now developed our minds to realize there's a better way.

Psychological warfare. The strong are still crushing the weak. Just like in nature. It's just psychological. It's concealed, unlike overt violence.

This doesn't mean people don't cooperate and build each other up. We do -- in our respective circles. Just like animals in a herd will cooperate but kill anyone who invades their territory. (Business competition is a modern day example of this)

My conflict is that I've been brainwashed with these ideas of what drives human behavior, and many of them are NOT this idea that life is based solely on competition.

In essence, my belief systems are conflicting.

Edit: what I'm getting at here is that if I KNEW life was just one big competition, I'd know the answer for me would be to find better competitors to challenge myself against. That's something I could accept and work toward.
 
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MitchM

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The main thing I noticed here is that you seem to be prioritizing status. (Correct me if I’m wrong)

The reason I think this is because you seem to lose motivation after a win. If your motivation were deeper than a temporary status or ego boost, this wouldn’t happen.


If you’re financially well off, it seems like you have two options:

1. Move into a richer area where you won’t feel superior anymore and begin chasing the carrot on a stick again

2. Change your focus to something more meaningful

Option two can mean many things. Starting a business that you truly care about and that is bigger than you, for example.

To me it seems like you need to examine your underlying motive for success to begin with.

Are you just doing things as a form of masturbation?
 
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MitchM

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Okay, so I just read your other reply.
Hey Tiago!

I think the real challenge for me here is not knowing the real *root* motivator behind human behavior.

I'm starting to believe it is solely competition, which contrasts with things I've learned in the past, so my beliefs are clashing.

I've come to a point where I've told myself, "okay stop thinking and theorizing... OBSERVE what is actually happening."

What I'm observing is that animal nature is ruthless. Competition rules. The weak die.

Why would humans be different? We used to kill the weak as well, using overt violence. However, we've now developed our minds to realize there's a better way.

Psychological warfare. The strong are still crushing the weak. Just like in nature. It's just psychological. It's concealed, unlike overt violence.

This doesn't mean people don't cooperate and build each other up. We do -- in our respective circles. Just like animals in a herd will cooperate but kill anyone who invades their territory. (Business competition is a modern day example of this)

My conflict is that I've been brainwashed with these ideas of what drives human behavior, and many of them are NOT this idea that life is based solely on competition.

In essence, my belief systems are conflicting.
It seems like you’re wanting things to be black and white.

There can be no competition without cooperation and the same is true of the inverse.

We live in a world that is interdependent.

On one level the bacteria within our very body are at war. On another level this war is the reason we are alive.

They are two sides of the same coin. If everyone was just chilling and cooperating... what would be the point if there was nothing to cooperate against?

In other words, nobody would have to hold you up if there weren’t gravity to pull you down.
 

Jakeeck

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The main thing I noticed here is that you seem to be prioritizing status. (Correct me if I’m wrong)

I like feeling superior. I like being a winner. It sounds bad to say but I don't think anyone can disagree with this?

As for status, that could be defined in many ways. I don't care about outward status. I drive an old ugly Honda Civic with over 200k miles on it even though I have money to buy something nice.

What I really like is this internal feeling of knowing that I'm winning relative to my competition. I don't feel a need to show off outwardly (and honestly, part of that is because even if I DID own a nice car or nice whatever, everyone would just assume I have high car payments or that there's a good chance I'm in CC debt like most people, and what kind of achievement is it to get approved for a car loan or credit card, right?).


The reason I think this is because you seem to lose motivation after a win. If your motivation were deeper than a temporary status or ego boost, this wouldn’t happen.


If you’re financially well off, it seems like you have two options:

1. Move into a richer area where you won’t feel superior anymore and begin chasing the carrot on a stick again

This is looking like the most likely option. It's not that I'd have to move to a richer area. I'd just have to develop relationships with successful people. People who I actually look up to or that I see on a similar plane of success as me.

2. Change your focus to something more meaningful

Option two can mean many things. Starting a business that you truly care about and that is bigger than you, for example.

To me it seems like you need to examine your underlying motive for success to begin with.

Everything you said for #2 is kind of what I've been talking about. This whole "meaningful" shtick, which when you boil it down, is just a drive for competition. Doing "meaningful things" would just be someone else's competitive arena, no? (Who can do the most meaningful thing? Who can be recognized for helping the most people? What can I do to be viewed as a top humanitarian?)

Are you just doing things as a form of masturbation?

Thanks for the thoughtful response. It's helping me connect things and convey my observations/thoughts.

Answers in your quote in bold.
 

Jakeeck

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Okay, so I just read your other reply.

It seems like you’re wanting things to be black and white.

Maybe I'm naive, but it feels like this can be black and white. Competition is the reason for everything we currently have. For life as we know it.

There can be no competition without cooperation and the same is true of the inverse.

Agreed, and we see that in nature and in modern day humans. I have 2 employees that I cooperate with, but our competition is weak and we've been winning for so long. I feel like I need to step into a more difficult arena with better challengers to move forward.

I shouldn't have this "luxury" of celebrating my successes for extended periods of time. That means I'm feeling no pressure from my competition. I need someone either breathing down my back or someone to chase and take down.


We live in a world that is interdependent.

On one level the bacteria within our very body are at war. On another level this war is the reason we are alive.

They are two sides of the same coin. If everyone was just chilling and cooperating... what would be the point if there was nothing to cooperate against?

Exactly, so wouldn't competition then be the root of motivation?

In other words, nobody would have to hold you up if there weren’t gravity to pull you down.

Answers again in bold.
 
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Here

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what are your values? What inspires you to get out of bed in the morning?

Is it so you can outdo others? Or something more?
 

Jakeeck

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what are your values? What inspires you to get out of bed in the morning?

Is it so you can outdo others? Or something more?

I value producing high-quality, creative work. Where a mutually beneficial relationship is formed.

My favorite thing is coming up with creative solutions that nobody has ever thought about and being recognized for them.

As for getting out of the bed in the morning? Usually nothing nowadays. I USED to get out of bed early to work on my business and grow it because of this sense of being competitive. I've always been really competitive, but now I don't feel the urgency with the lack of competition. (I mean immediate competition... my social circle. I don't feel competitive urgency with random people on the internet)

The things I mentioned in my first 2 lines aren't strong enough motivators to get me moving at 100%. It's only got me going at 40-50%.
 

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Ok so why isn’t your current success enough? Why do you need to be firing on all cylinders? Is there a goal you’re trying to hit or do you just feel as though you “should” accomplish more?
 

Jakeeck

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Ok so why isn’t your current success enough? Why do you need to be firing on all cylinders? Is there a goal you’re trying to hit or do you just feel as though you “should” accomplish more?

I've been coasting for about 6 months now. On paper, it seems I should have enough, but I don't think anyone escapes the hedonic treadmill. There has to be progress.
 

Primeperiwinkle

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you have to conceal it and make them think you’re not on a quest to feel superior to them.

Crushing ppl beneath your metaphorical heel?
I feel superior.

Cool. You’re not though.. it’s just your dragon. (Addiction is a dragon that devours itself) Your pride. You gotta keep chasin the dragon to get your high.

You’ll keep feeding it and feeding it until you realize it’s less and less effective each time - the high doesn’t last - because you’ve been feeding something that can’t ever be full.. it’ll just keep getting hungry and you’ll keep enjoying the high but a little less each time, like porn or a sugar rush or a heroine addiction. Your main motivator is destructive.

The ppl who say ego is bad aren’t lying. They don’t have your dragon. They struggle with other things.

The way to beat this is threefold but all three steps involve accessing your heart not your mind: find something you’re genuinely sorry about, say you’re sorry, start caring about others. Right now you mostly care about yourself and you prolly don’t know how to selflessly serve anyone.

Or you can go the Sith Dark Lord route.. find other ways to crush ppl until you die and keep chasing your personal idea of enjoyment.
 
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FinancerMike

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Hey this is an awesome roadblock.
I know the feeling myself, back in my earliest days of starting my business I constantly had these moments where I was BASKING in victories. Like YES FINALLY something goes right LOL.

That said INACTION IS FOR MEATHEADS.
(any time im doing something weak this mantra pops into my mind)

I've personally found if I make things unavoidable for me I get more done.

Put simply, I want to be in really good shape, so I dont buy any junk food... so when I'm hungry it's literally impossible for me to cheat.

I need to wake up at a certain time, so my phone is in airplane mode with an alarm on the other side of the room I have to get out of bed to shut off.

Meals, and gym clothes are always prepped.

I also have an 8 hour workday that is on a timer. I keep the timer running, have like 10 alarms on my phone throughout the day. I pretty much just treat myself like a dead stupid machine... input in is output out.

I put screen time on my iPhone so I cant use social media for more than 10 minutes a day. Facebook and YouTube are completely blacklisted on my phone. I have plugins for Google Chrome that make my youtube appear completely blank so I never get distracted, and one that kills my newsfeed so i see absolutely nothing on Facebook.

It's hard to stay in focus on the modern world without the willpower of a Greek God. So the best feedback I can give is for you to ask yourself, how can I make x bad habit more of a pain to do than a pleasure....
 

Jakeeck

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Crushing ppl beneath your metaphorical heel?


Cool. You’re not though.. it’s just your dragon. (Addiction is a dragon that devours itself) Your pride. You gotta keep chasin the dragon to get your high.

You’ll keep feeding it and feeding it until you realize it’s less and less effective each time - the high doesn’t last - because you’ve been feeding something that can’t ever be full.. it’ll just keep getting hungry and you’ll keep enjoying the high but a little less each time, like porn or a sugar rush or a heroine addiction. Your main motivator is destructive.

The ppl who say ego is bad aren’t lying. They don’t have your dragon. They struggle with other things.

The way to beat this is threefold but all three steps involve accessing your heart not your mind: find something you’re genuinely sorry about, say you’re sorry, start caring about others. Right now you mostly care about yourself and you prolly don’t know how to selflessly serve anyone.

Or you can go the Sith Dark Lord route.. find other ways to crush ppl until you die and keep chasing your personal idea of enjoyment.

I've been down the spiritual route for a while and am just coming out of it after a few years. Maybe I missed something, but I feel like even monks are in the same cycle as everyone else. They're chasing something -- enlightenment. That's their dragon.

No matter how much awareness they gain or how much calm and clarity they attain, they still chase more.

Plus, like I said earlier, I've had to stop thinking and theorizing and start observing the world around me. And what I SEE with my eyes is that life is a battle for resources, survival of the fittest.

Maybe I'm wrong, who knows, but I'm going with that I can observe now instead of chasing concepts that can't even be grasped, like enlightenment.

Everyone is chasing a dragon. Nobody is immune.
 

broswoodwork

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life is a battle for resources
Feels a little zero sum...

Maybe take a little time everyday to reflect and feel satisfied about what you've added to the world for others that day instead of only reveling in what you've won away from your fellow man?

In theory, every win for you (sale, piece of content created, deal reached, etc) should be a win for someone else, and that should spread beyond yourself and the other party like ripples on a pond.

I don't know. Hope you start feeling better about all of this though. :)
 
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Tiago

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Hey Tiago!

I think the real challenge for me here is not knowing the real *root* motivator behind human behavior.

I'm starting to believe it is solely competition, which contrasts with things I've learned in the past, so my beliefs are clashing.

I've come to a point where I've told myself, "okay stop thinking and theorizing... OBSERVE what is actually happening."

What I'm observing is that animal nature is ruthless. Competition rules. The weak die.

Why would humans be different? We used to kill the weak as well, using overt violence. However, we've now developed our minds to realize there's a better way.

Psychological warfare. The strong are still crushing the weak. Just like in nature. It's just psychological. It's concealed, unlike overt violence.

This doesn't mean people don't cooperate and build each other up. We do -- in our respective circles. Just like animals in a herd will cooperate but kill anyone who invades their territory. (Business competition is a modern day example of this)

My conflict is that I've been brainwashed with these ideas of what drives human behavior, and many of them are NOT this idea that life is based solely on competition.

In essence, my belief systems are conflicting.

Edit: what I'm getting at here is that if I KNEW life was just one big competition, I'd know the answer for me would be to find better competitors to challenge myself against. That's something I could accept and work toward.

There's no right and wrong here.

If you believe life is a competition, and that serves your purpose, use that as your guiding truth.

For example, I believe that life is not a competition, but a creative endeavor. That serves my purposes of spreading more growth and love in the world.

No view is better or nobler than the other.

You have your whole answer here: "what I'm getting at here is that if I KNEW life was just one big competition, I'd know the answer for me would be to find better competitors to challenge myself against. That's something I could accept and work toward."

There's no one that will say to you that life is a big competition or not. You choose that for yourself. Decide.
 

CaptainAmerica

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About stoicism....

I trained with a guy who taught me 'no mercy, no malice'. I had an unfortunate tendency to go one way or the other - but either way I was emotionally bound to the outcome. He put it like this:

There's an electrical fire started in the wall of your house. You go over and shut off the electric main. That's it. You don't really even think about it - you just do the needful.

That's stoicism. You say that you 'value producing high-quality, creative work', which is what you're celebrating. But you're putting more value into the celebration than the creation. So you're lying to yourself.

two options: You can either change the way you think about it: "I really value celebrating my wins" - or change your habits so that what you say is true, by putting more mental effort to creation.
 

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Edit: what I'm getting at here is that if I KNEW life was just one big competition, I'd know the answer for me would be to find better competitors to challenge myself against. That's something I could accept and work toward.

How often do you get out and help people who will never pay you back? You have some traits that trigger the feeling that you are a taker. It seems from what you have written that you may be self obsessed and focused primarily about your own stuff that is going on. Sounds harsh maybe, but it is okay and somewhat normal. You obviously want help.

My advice have a quick read of Give and Take by Adam Grant and report back after swallowing that pill. It is one of those books that you can instantly put into practice and it changed my outlook on life. I realised was a matcher (i.e. happy to give but always counted my debts), now I am constantly working on giving instead of taking.

good luck!
 
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MitchM

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Answers again in bold.
“Competition is the root motivation,” but what are you competing for?

Competition is not motivated by competition. It’s motivated by status, the emotions that you derive from competition, feeding your family, and the list can go on.
 

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Everyone is chasing a dragon. Nobody is immune.
It sounds like you’re searching for the meaning of life rather than motivation.

I’d say to keep searching. Find your own path. The answers are different for everyone.
 

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My biggest mental block: I can't seem to move on quickly from my successes. I must give myself extended pats on the back and tell myself how great I am every chance I get.

(btw, I'm not even remotely successful relative to many people here... but in my world, in my network... I see myself as quite successful)

I celebrate a success or brag about it (usually internally, but sometimes externally to others). What happens?

I get an ego boost. What does that do for me?

Makes me feel good for a little bit.

Then what?

I start to feel like crap because I’ve been dwelling on my success and my to-do’s aren’t getting done.

Then I think about how much potential I’m wasting. Probably about 50-60%.

If I just keep breaking through wall after wall, I’d be operating closer to 100%.

Why do I have to throw a mental masturbation party every time I break down a wall?

Is the root of it measuring myself against others? Why am I always monitoring my hourly and my income? Why am I thinking of how much other people are making, how much they’re working, in relation to me?

If I competed with myself every day, and tried to get better every day regardless of what anyone else was doing, would I reach my goals more effectively?

Or do I need to surround myself with people who are better than me so I get that motivation back? What I observe in nature is that life is just one big competition. People (even successful ones) try to convince us that it isn’t, and that we must drop the ego, but is this just some kind of coping mechanism where they don’t want to believe their achievements come from competition with others? I’m beginning to think it is a coping mechanism of that sort. You can’t just come out and say you’re competing against people. They won’t like you. Thus, you have to conceal it and make them think you’re not on a quest to feel superior to them.

Can I keep growing when I’m around a network with such low standards? I already feel so far ahead of them. There’s no competition anxiety. I feel superior.

That sounds bad but it’s honestly how I feel. They even tell me they’re jealous, which further feeds my ego, but I know it’s not what I need. That’s not going to help me grow. It’s going to make me complacent. If I had someone in my network who was far above me, who was telling me I was shit (or made me feel inadequate indirectly), I really feel like I’d have motivation again to keep pushing until I caught up and beat him or her.

Is this why surrounding yourself with a strong network is so important? For competition? So you don’t stagnate?

Stoicism seems like an obvious alternative, but where does motivation come from as a stoic? Where’s the drive? Where does that fire come from if the goal is to suppress emotion? What’s the payoff?

I know there’s a flaw in my thought pattern somewhere. I’m just trying to find some insight so I can use my logic and reason to rewire my brain into a more conducive approach, instead of celebrating excessively and stunting my potential.

Anyone ever have similar thoughts?
Your answer is very simple. You are having "growing pains". You don't fit in with your old friends anymore. And you haven't found your new group yet. You will. This is normal. And it is also very dangerous to your success path. This is when people shoot themselves in the foot -- become self-defeating. When they no longer are comfortable and they no longer fit in -- then they regress until they are back on that level and everyone smugly welcomes them back. People will say they happy for you when you break out of the crowd and outdistance them. It's a lie. That's when they do things to throw stones into your path that trip you. It can be snarky little comments... Behavior that blocks your path... Talking smack about you behind your back with your friends and family... Fending concern about your health and well being and advising you to quit immediately... The people around you have a vested and secret interest in you failing, so they can feel good about themselves. If you can do it, why can't or don't they?????

This shows up when someone gets promoted from a worker bee to a supervisor. At that point, the promoted guy is no longer welcome at the Friday night get together. He's shunned socially. He supposed to hang out with others at his level. But, he's not welcomed into the executive management social functions except by special invitation.

My Grandmother always told me, "Water finds it's own level." That true in a social sense as well. You need to find your new level and run with that crowd. You will become more successful through association. And then start making contacts in the next level up from that one. You can't climb up if you don't know where you're going and what is expected of you. That information is gleaned from the people who are close to, or already there.

About your bragging... If you run with other successful people, you won't have to brag. It won't work for you if you try. They'll just laugh and tell you their war stories. You can't "best" people who are doing the same stuff that you are doing or who are doing better than you. Find your new tribe!
 
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How often do you get out and help people who will never pay you back? You have some traits that trigger the feeling that you are a taker. It seems from what you have written that you may be self obsessed and focused primarily about your own stuff that is going on. Sounds harsh maybe, but it is okay and somewhat normal. You obviously want help.

My advice have a quick read of Give and Take by Adam Grant and report back after swallowing that pill. It is one of those books that you can instantly put into practice and it changed my outlook on life. I realised was a matcher (i.e. happy to give but always counted my debts), now I am constantly working on giving instead of taking.

good luck!
You beat me to it. I was going to recommend that book too.

@Jakeeck ... Competition doesn’t motivate me in the slightest. Helping other people does. Figuring stuff out does. Getting better at things does.
 

Jakeeck

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Your answer is very simple. You are having "growing pains". You don't fit in with your old friends anymore. And you haven't found your new group yet. You will. This is normal. And it is also very dangerous to your success path. This is when people shoot themselves in the foot -- become self-defeating. When they no longer are comfortable and they no longer fit in -- then they regress until they are back on that level and everyone smugly welcomes them back. People will say they happy for you when you break out of the crowd and outdistance them. It's a lie. That's when they do things to throw stones into your path that trip you. It can be snarky little comments... Behavior that blocks your path... Talking smack about you behind your back with your friends and family... Fending concern about your health and well being and advising you to quit immediately... The people around you have a vested and secret interest in you failing, so they can feel good about themselves. If you can do it, why can't or don't they?????

This shows up when someone gets promoted from a worker bee to a supervisor. At that point, the promoted guy is no longer welcome at the Friday night get together. He's shunned socially. He supposed to hang out with others at his level. But, he's not welcomed into the executive management social functions except by special invitation.

My Grandmother always told me, "Water finds it's own level." That true in a social sense as well. You need to find your new level and run with that crowd. You will become more successful through association. And then start making contacts in the next level up from that one. You can't climb up if you don't know where you're going and what is expected of you. That information is gleaned from the people who are close to, or already there.

About your bragging... If you run with other successful people, you won't have to brag. It won't work for you if you try. They'll just laugh and tell you their war stories. You can't "best" people who are doing the same stuff that you are doing or who are doing better than you. Find your new tribe!

Thank you for this. I had been avoiding coming back into this thread due to fear of exposing myself as a narcissist or total a**hole, but this was refreshing for me to hear. I definitely relate to being in that limbo of being between groups/social circles right now.

I appreciate everyone else in here too speaking about how they're motivated by helping other people. My contention is that you don't ACTUALLY like helping other people.

You like the benefits you get from helping other people, and you like those benefits MORE than the benefits you would get from making money or (insert reward here) WITHOUT helping people.

It really does all circle back to some self-serving purpose in my view. If you got nothing in return for your efforts, would you still help people?

I don't know why, but none of this "virtuous" stuff resonates with me. I already help people (from a business standpoint... I provide a great service), but that's not my root motivation or driving force. It's just that I know helping people is the only way I can help myself. I wouldn't help people if I knew it would never do anything for me. I don't think many would disagree with this.

I know everyone says you're not "supposed to" expect anything in return, but isn't the premise of "provide value and the universe will find a way to return it to you" or something more Earl Nightengale-like of "Our rewards will always be in exact proportion to our service." -- Don't these imply "expecting" something in return? Even if only on a macro basis? As in you know that your effort will someday result in a reward for you.

I like helping other people because it helps myself.

Maybe I'm just projecting my own assumptions on other people, so I'll ask.

WHY do you like helping other people?
 
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Champion

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Hey Jakeeck, I think the fact that you even caught yourself doing this and discovered it as a sticking point, already speaks a lot about your level of personal development and self awareness: Its really high.

In the end of the day, you know you have something you want to fix, the best thing for you to do is to create a new successfull habit which will replace your old unproductive habit.

For Example:

--> Its 11:30, just before lunch, when a prospect you have been trying to convert for 3 months suddenly calls you out of the blue and tells you that hes going to become your new best paying customer.

Usual reaction: Mental masturbation about how cool and successfull you are, bragging to your friends about it during lunch, being unproductive for the rest of the day (until 17:00) because you just cant stop thinking about how good you closed the deal.

New reaction: From the moment you catch yourself drifting into your old habits, do the following:

1) Think about something Weird/Abstract (for example, a pink elephant)
2) Think about something Sexual (for example, your first kiss)
3) Think about something really funny (for example, a monkey eating a banana... or whatever else you find funny)

After you thought about these 3 things, your mind should be distracted enough from the old habit (mental masturbation etc... etc...) --> Thats when you implement your new success habit.

Examples of your new success habit could be the following:

- You remind yourself to sit straight (to improve your posture and be more healthy)
- You take 5 deep breaths and remember to relax and be more conscious at work

You need to keep repeating this for as long as it takes, in order to replace your old habit with the new one, but itl be worth it!

Hope this helps you out man.

Best
Champion
 
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Jakeeck

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Hey Jakeeck, I think the fact that you even caught yourself doing this and discovered it as a sticking point, already speaks a lot about your level of personal development and self awareness: Its really high.

In the end of the day, you know you have something you want to fix, the best thing for you to do is to create a new successfull habit which will replace your old unproductive habit.

For Example:

--> Its 11:30, just before lunch, when a prospect you have been trying to convert for 3 months suddenly calls you out of the blue and tells you that hes going to become your new best paying customer.

Usual reaction: Mental masturbation about how cool and successfull you are, bragging to your friends about it during lunch, being unproductive for the rest of the day (until 17:00) because you just cant stop thinking about how good you closed the deal.

New reaction: From the moment you catch yourself drifting into your old habits, do the following:

1) Think about something Weird/Abstract (for example, a pink elephant)
2) Think about something Sexual (for example, your first kiss)
3) Think about something really funny (for example, a monkey eating a banana... or whatever else you find funny)

After you thought about these 3 things, your mind should be distracted enough from the old habit (mental masturbation etc... etc...) --> Thats when you implement your new success habit.

Examples of your new success habit could be the following:

- You remind yourself to sit straight (to improve your posture and be more healthy)
- You take 5 deep breaths and remember to relax and be more conscious at work

You need to keep repeating this for as long as it takes, in order to replace your old habit with the new one, but itl be worth it!

Hope this helps you out man.

Best
Champion

You nailed it in your example. That's a quintessential thing I would do (and have done).

Interesting approach. I'm going to try it. Thank you!
 

Andy Black

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Thank you for this. I had been avoiding coming back into this thread due to fear of exposing myself as a narcissist or total a**hole, but this was refreshing for me to hear.

I appreciate everyone else in here too speaking about how they're motivated by helping other people. My contention is that you don't ACTUALLY like helping other people.

You like the benefits you get from helping other people, and you like those benefits MORE than the benefits you would get from making money or (insert reward here) WITHOUT helping people.

It really does all circle back to some self-serving purpose in my view. If you got nothing in return for your efforts, would you still help people?

I don't know why, but none of this "virtuous" stuff resonates with me. I already help people (from a business standpoint... I provide a great service), but that's not my root motivation or driving force. It's just that I know helping people is the only way I can help myself. I wouldn't help people if I knew it would never do anything for me. I don't think many would disagree with this.

I know everyone says you're not "supposed to" expect anything in return, but isn't the premise of "provide value and the universe will find a way to return it to you" or something more Earl Nightengale-like of "Our rewards will always be in exact proportion to our service." -- Don't these imply "expecting" something in return? Even if only on a macro basis? As in you know that your effort will someday result in a reward for you.

I like helping other people because it helps myself.

Maybe I'm just projecting my own assumptions on other people, so I'll ask.

WHY do you like helping other people?
It’s funny. Until I listened to “Give & Take” I didn’t realise there were people who didn’t help people for the sake of helping people. I found myself going round in circles trying to help a few people in here who I now realise just don’t think the same way I do.
 

Jakeeck

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It’s funny. Until I listened to “Give & Take” I didn’t realise there were people who didn’t help people for the sake of helping people. I found myself going round in circles trying to help a few people in here who I now realise just don’t think the same way I do.

Why do you do that though (help people just for the sake of it?) There has to be a reason. You have 16 hours in a day to do things. Why would you spend any amount of it on helping people if it provided you nothing in return?

There has to be something:

-forum status
-social recognition
-better network

Anything?
 
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broswoodwork

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It’s funny. Until I listened to “Give & Take” I didn’t realise there were people who didn’t help people for the sake of helping people. I found myself going round in circles trying to help a few people in here who I now realise just don’t think the same way I do.
I think it's like an Erikson style psycho- social development thing.

You're operating on the next developmental level, while some are still wrestling with the resolution in earlier stages. They may even feel that moving on to the next level is a sign of aging. It's emotional and intellectual aging, but nevertheless the transition may feel uncomfortable, despite some part of them compelling them to move on from the "F*ck YEAH I WIN!" mindset.

I don't know. Interesting to observe though. :)
 

Jakeeck

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I think it's like an Erikson style psycho- social development thing.

You're operating on the next developmental level, while some are still wrestling with the resolution in earlier stages. They may even feel that moving on to the next level is a sign of aging. It's emotional and intellectual aging, but nevertheless the transition may feel uncomfortable, despite some part of them compelling them to move on from the "F*ck YEAH I WIN!" mindset.

I don't know. Interesting to observe though. :)

I'm not ruling this out because how could I ever know, but you said something earlier I want to bring up.

"Feels a little zero sum..."

Isn't everything zero sum? Say you help someone overcome a barrier in their business and they go on to gain more customers. Win-win right?

But that person's competitors are now going to be getting less customers. It has to come from somewhere. For you both to win, his competitors have to lose. Zero sum.
 

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