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Trying Times (Trying VS Doing)

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RHL

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I know three people in my life who have successfully quit smoking.

By quit, I mean they haven't had even one cigarette in at least ten years (for the most recent of the group. For the other two, it's been about 18 years and about 35 years, respectively).

I also know eight people who have "tried to quit." You can spot the difference between the two groups based on the last day that they were a smoker. On the last day that the true quitters were smokers, they didn't make any dramatic declarations on Facebook. they didn't Instagram pictures of themselves flushing crushed-up packs down the toilet. They didn't go around to their families saying "now that I'm not a smoker..." on the first day they "quit."

But the difference is more insidious than that. One of the older quitters described his last day before he gave it up to me. "I started my morning smoke on the porch, and I was so disgusted with the whole thing, the cost, the smell, that I couldn't even finish it. Nobody was there to cheer me on. I just put it out and threw it out."

Contrast that with "quitting." Fake quitting usually involves the cherished "last cigarette" or "last day of smoking. Relishing it before "quitting." Reality check: If you relish what you are giving up, you will never give it up. If you have to indulge something you claim is a vice or a hindrance one last time before giving it up then, in your heart, you don't really see it as a bad thing.

You see this with failed fitness plans. Their "last day of being out-of-shape" is eating a Baconator for lunch and General Tso's for dinner. They buy $800 worth of fitness equipment, name-brand top-shelf sportswear, and then... something always comes up. Overslept by 15 minutes? Well... there's no point in doing a 45 minute workout. One more day of Burger King, then I'll get started.

And I see a lot of people who are trying to "quit" team consumer the same way.

"I'll buy this Iphone 7s. It'll motivate me." "I'll buy this Pixel XL 128 (if Google could ever get off their asses and restock them), it'll be easier to check option prices on the go." "I'll buy this Porsche Boxter on a 144 month note, it'll be morning motivation to get free from the grind!" "I'll move to upper Manhattan with no plan and no contacts but certainty that I'm going to be making NINE FIGURES IN NINETY DAYS OR LESS!"

You will never quit team consumer with one last act of consumption. More consuming will never motivate you to get free, because in your heart, you don't really want it. You don't really want to be free, you just want to consume more. The failed dieter imagines that once they get their abs, they'll be able to eat pizza and wings in moderation, while feeling and looking better. The failed entrepreneur looks at their fastlane only as an opportunity to vastly enhance their own subscription to team consumer: Famine now, for a greater feast later. If I build my biz, I'll be able to buy all the stuff ad companies were trying to sell me all these years that I could never afford! Everything about solving needs is just a veneer of acceptability, for them. On this forum, we often dump hard on boasters who say "I'm going to have ten lambos in a year!" But they don't deserve it anymore than the fake "quitters" from team consumer, who have exactly the same mindset, but don't air it in public.

People "take action" based on the secret desires they hold most dear. So, they consume for "one last time" with an enthusiasm they never feel for the change they supposedly want. And five and ten and twenty years pass, and they get nowhere, because even though they "tried," and "tried," and "tried," they never tried.
 

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Nicoknowsbest

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I also know eight people who have "tried to quit." You can spot the difference between the two groups based on the last day that they were a smoker. On the last day that the true quitters were smokers, they didn't make any dramatic declarations on Facebook. they didn't Instagram pictures of themselves flushing crushed-up packs down the toilet. They didn't go around to their families saying "now that I'm not a smoker..." on the first day they "quit."
Intrinsic motivation is your fuel while extrinsic rewards are by-products of your process.

Waiting for the approval of others and getting motivated by "likes" is setting yourself up for failure.

It's also why goals mostly don't work.

Due to the overjustification effect, many starters/quitters fall back into old habits after reaching a specific goal they set for themselves.

What worked for me is to develop systems instead of goals.

Instead of going to the gym for 30 days I go to the gym 3 times a week.

This automatically becomes a habit way beyond just these initial 30 days.

Great lessons @RHL, thanks for sharing.
 

MJ DeMarco

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You will never quit team consumer with one last act of consumption.
Love it!

But the difference is more insidious than that. One of the older quitters described his last day before he gave it up to me. "I started my morning smoke on the porch, and I was so disgusted with the whole thing, the cost, the smell, that I couldn't even finish it. Nobody was there to cheer me on. I just put it out and threw it out."
I talk about this in my next book. You're describing an IDENTITY SHIFT spurred on by an emotional anchor which is the best way to drive permanent change driving permanent results.

Take for example these two identities:

IDENTITY #1: I'm a non-smoker.
IDENTITY #2: I'm a smoker trying to quit.

Your successful quitter becomes #1.

Your failed quitter was #2.

If you identify as #2, "a smoker trying to quit" your behavior does not need to change as your identity seeks congruence with its actions. No matter what you do, your identity as "trying to quit" will always be kosher and congruent with the STATUS QUO.

However, if you identify with #1, "I'm a non-smoker", your behavior must change for your identity to match your actions. A non-smoker does not smoke and the current status quo must change for congruence.

Our identities always seek congruence in our actions.

Consider this same dynamic for entrepreneurship.

IDENTITY #1: I'm an entrepreneur.
IDENTITY #2: I'm a sales rep at XYZ Company who would like to start a business someday.

Which identity inspires transformative action? And which advocates the status quo?
 
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Waspy

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People who want it vs people who like the idea of it.

People who grab what they want vs people who say "I hope I have that one day"

People who do vs people who are "gunna"
 

Marc B.

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Reality check: If you relish what you are giving up, you will never give it up.
Thanks for the stellar post. I'd like to put this on a sticker, then stick it to the foreheads of some people I know.

This thread makes me think of:
 

G-Man

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I know three people in my life who have successfully quit smoking.

By quit, I mean they haven't had even one cigarette in at least ten years (for the most recent of the group. For the other two, it's been about 18 years and about 35 years, respectively).

I also know eight people who have "tried to quit." You can spot the difference between the two groups based on the last day that they were a smoker. On the last day that the true quitters were smokers, they didn't make any dramatic declarations on Facebook. they didn't Instagram pictures of themselves flushing crushed-up packs down the toilet. They didn't go around to their families saying "now that I'm not a smoker..." on the first day they "quit."

But the difference is more insidious than that. One of the older quitters described his last day before he gave it up to me. "I started my morning smoke on the porch, and I was so disgusted with the whole thing, the cost, the smell, that I couldn't even finish it. Nobody was there to cheer me on. I just put it out and threw it out."

Contrast that with "quitting." Fake quitting usually involves the cherished "last cigarette" or "last day of smoking. Relishing it before "quitting." Reality check: If you relish what you are giving up, you will never give it up. If you have to indulge something you claim is a vice or a hindrance one last time before giving it up then, in your heart, you don't really see it as a bad thing.

You see this with failed fitness plans. Their "last day of being out-of-shape" is eating a Baconator for lunch and General Tso's for dinner. They buy $800 worth of fitness equipment, name-brand top-shelf sportswear, and then... something always comes up. Overslept by 15 minutes? Well... there's no point in doing a 45 minute workout. One more day of Burger King, then I'll get started.

And I see a lot of people who are trying to "quit" team consumer the same way.

"I'll buy this Iphone 7s. It'll motivate me." "I'll buy this Pixel XL 128 (if Google could ever get off their asses and restock them), it'll be easier to check option prices on the go." "I'll buy this Porsche Boxter on a 144 month note, it'll be morning motivation to get free from the grind!" "I'll move to upper Manhattan with no plan and no contacts but certainty that I'm going to be making NINE FIGURES IN NINETY DAYS OR LESS!"

You will never quit team consumer with one last act of consumption. More consuming will never motivate you to get free, because in your heart, you don't really want it. You don't really want to be free, you just want to consume more. The failed dieter imagines that once they get their abs, they'll be able to eat pizza and wings in moderation, while feeling and looking better. The failed entrepreneur looks at their fastlane only as an opportunity to vastly enhance their own subscription to team consumer: Famine now, for a greater feast later. If I build my biz, I'll be able to buy all the stuff ad companies were trying to sell me all these years that I could never afford! Everything about solving needs is just a veneer of acceptability, for them. On this forum, we often dump hard on boasters who say "I'm going to have ten lambos in a year!" But they don't deserve it anymore than the fake "quitters" from team consumer, who have exactly the same mindset, but don't air it in public.

People "take action" based on the secret desires they hold most dear. So, they consume for "one last time" with an enthusiasm they never feel for the change they supposedly want. And five and ten and twenty years pass, and they get nowhere, because even though they "tried," and "tried," and "tried," they never tried.
I re-read this a couple times yesterday and again this morning. This needs to be a featured post. reps to @RHL
 
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RHL

RHL

The coaching was a joke guys.
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A couple of months ago, I was at a charity benefit for a person who had contracted a rare virus. The result of the virus was that she had to have most of her fingers and both of her legs amputated. She wasn't even 45 years old yet, and has little kids at home.

That's a serious impediment. That will shut down your whole life. That will hamper your dreams. Yes, people have overcome that much and more, but it's very, very hard. Especially with kids depending on you.

It hit without warning, and took away her irreplaceable health. Barring some miraculous technological advances, she'll never lead a normal life, and a lot of doors that are open to you and me, are closed to her forever.

Meanwhile, people without dependent children or other things tying them down aren't making moves because they think being short $1,500 or being a little bit tired at the end of the work week is too much of an obstacle to surmount.
 

PTP

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IDENTITY #1: I'm a non-smoker.
IDENTITY #2: I'm a smoker trying to quit.

(Start at 29:40 - 33:15 but try and watch it all if you can. His insight is truly on another level.
How to get an identity shift: 33:10)

Strangely enough I watched a video interview of Peter Sage the other day which covered the exact topics in this thread.

To add on to your point, Identity #2 engages will-power which works well while "in the moment" but inherently always has a time limit.

Quoting Peter "I can have all the will-power to hold onto a ledge above a cliff, but come back on Tuesday im not there. Because it has a time limit."
 

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_Seba_

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Agreed. One day I decided to leave "Team-Smokers" and just quit smoking. It was easy because I made the decision to be a non-smoking person.

Leaving Team Consumer was not so easy. When I read your text I realized that I failed to leave Team Consumer. Saving almost all of my income worked for around a year but sometimes I still think it's okay to buy a new MacBook when I've earned sum X in this month.

I'm pretty sure the same thing would happen for a car when I have sum X on my bank account. It's still the consumer mindset that I enjoy.

How would you kill the willingness to consume and do the ultimate shift into Team Producer?
 

AndrewNC

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I'm pretty sure the same thing would happen for a car when I have sum X on my bank account. It's still the consumer mindset that I enjoy.

How would you kill the willingness to consume and do the ultimate shift into Team Producer?
Solution 1 -
I wrote a post on this exact topic last year:
Creating a rapid identity-level shift.
I reference a thing called EFT, which you can learn to do by clicking here.

Solution 2 -
Research "NLP Strategies". these are mental checklists that go on in your mind based on what you (see/hear/feel/internal dialog).

So if your strategy is

See (car) - > Feel (positive emotions from thinking of buying it) =====> Buy

That is an ineffective strategy. That is like someone who sees potato chips and eats them because they will taste good.

Instead, install a new strategy

See (car) -> Internal dialog (can I afford it, what are the consequences, etc.) -> more internal dialog (can I budget it, etc.) =====> only buy if it goes through this new mental checklist.

Solution 3 -

The decision making part of your mind only thinks in the present moment.

You feel the pleasure in the present moment with the behavior.
You don't feel the pain in the present moment with the behavior.

Think of the worst-case scenario of not fixing this habit. The goal is to be able to pull the painful emotions from the future into the present moment, and associate them with the thought of buying the car.

When you are able to actually feel the painful emotions, what you can do is bring up the thought of buying the car, and then immediately feel the pain. Bring up the thought of being the car, and feel the pain.

This will associate the pain with the thought.

So whenever you think the thought, you feel the emotions of pain.

Other things:

"It's still the consumer mindset that I enjoy."

This stood out because this behavior is serving a positive intent. There is a thing called Timeline Therapy which can be used to work through this limiting behavior. Something happened way back in your past which triggered this, and by using the timeline to access your unconscious mind, you can go back and release the limiting behavior.

Start with solution 1....
 

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