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HOT TOPIC The death of the nuclear family

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dknise

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I'm going to attempt to relate this back to business.

Keep in mind I am 23 and the following may not apply to all demographics, but it certainly does to mine.

Some of you know that I broke it off with my girlfriend of 3 years last year because of cheating. In fact, the only girl I've ever not been cheated on by, was cheating on her boyfriend with me.

In the past year, I've had 6 micro-relationships that I ended within weeks. The last one involved a girl I was seeing for a month and I made very accurate depictions of what was going to happen. She went to Vegas with her girlfriends, I predicted she would meet someone, yell yolo, and hit the bedroom, and she would come back and lie about it, and that's EXACTLY what happened haha.

So, I went through a bit of an identity crisis. What's wrong with me? As it turns out, I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with me. There are two common denominators in every one of the relationships I've had and witnessed, me and the female psyche. So if it's not me, it must be the female psyche.

Now I know what you're thinking, you arrogant a$$, why would you say that? Well for THE LONGEST TIME I kept blaming myself. I'm an alpha male. I'm opinionated. I go to the gym. I have lots and lots of money. I meet new girls who are interested in me constantly. I don't suck in bed haha. Every girl, including my cheating ex, comes crying back proclaiming their everlasting love and how sorry there are... So what's wrong?

I think feminism killed the nuclear family.

Do you know the percent of girls I know that idolize Marilyn Monroe? 100%. The percent that idolize Jenna Jameson and are in love with James Deen? 100%. The percent of girls I know who've cheated in a relationship (including my friends)? 100%. Just looking at statistics from askmen.com about how women feel about infidelity and cheating shows they actually believe they have a right to cheat. That's right. The girl who went to Vegas that I broke it off with began telling everyone I'm controlling and that I was telling her what to and not to do with her body. I could care less who she hooked up with in Vegas, but she was asking me for commitment, one sided commitment. She actually went on an entire rant about how it was her right to do what she wanted to in Vegas and I fully agree... but that doesn't mean I'm going to stick around a committed whipped man as I get treated like dirt. What happened when I turned around and did the same thing back (take into account I DIDN'T ask for commitment and straight forward told her there was none), all hell broke loose.

I always envisioned my life progressing forward as two people. I never envisioned myself being alone, but that's all starting to change. While men like myself created a generation where we look at ourselves as equals to women and look for true partnership in relationships, I think the vast majority of women my age are acting like your 1950's husband haha. It was wrong when the man did it and it's wrong when the woman does it.

My future now includes a sole individual progressing through life, myself.

So, what are your thoughts? Do you agree? Do you disagree?

Better yet... I'm foreseeing the death of the nuclear family. Divorce rates and infidelity rates are so incredibly high that it's virtually pointless to ever enter a relationship. The chance that I, in my demographic, will get cheated on in even a year long relationship now is what I am presuming to be 100%. SO, what new industries would pop up around the idea that long term relationships are a thing of the past? How will dating websites change? What new social clubs will pop up in a polyamorous society?


Just to clarify:
I am a REALLY really nice guy at heart. You may say I must have been an a**hole to deserve to get cheated on, but honestly, if I told you the full story (which would take hours), I think you would think the same too now. So, where am I at? I'm a socialite, I go to clubs, I have lots of friends, and I meet lots of people. When I know a girl is interested, I tell her straight up that I am not looking for commitment or a relationship. Things progress, shit goes down, girl asks for relationship, I decline, and everyone calls me an a**hole. I feel like I finally understand why "all guys are assholes." I'm not being an a**hole, I'm simply defending myself and my happiness. I've been waiting for that girl to come along and prove everything I think wrong, but I'm regretfully 100% right in my doomsday prophecies and I'm no longer waiting. If I judge my happiness based on a mythical faithful partner in life I'm going to be miserable. It's time to accept I am alone and learn to love it.

:coolgleamA:
 

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Eh, depends on the girl man. There are different types out there, though I am fully aware of the type you are referring to. All I can say is keep the power roles in check, and you shouldn't have many problems with infidelity.
 

dknise

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Eh, depends on the girl man. There are different types out there, though I am fully aware of the type you are referring to. All I can say is keep the power roles in check, and you shouldn't have many problems with infidelity.

From my experience, there aren't "different types." Actually, according to the many polls done, the percentages of "successful" marriages and non-infidelity practically mirrors the Christian right here in the United States. For me it's a question then of if they actually believe what they are doing, whether they truly love the person they're with, or if it's for fear of existential consequence that they don't. I don't consider changing your actions based on fear to be genuine.

The perspective to the "power role" from my side has always been were equals. If I have to be a "I'm the man you're the woman" type of person, I'd rather be alone haha.
 

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Here's my guess: You're dating the wrong kinds of girls. Sometimes, the ones that seem all sparkly when you first meet them aren't really quality down deep inside.

About Feminism: Even as a woman, and someone who's been very glad to see women move forward, I do agree that certain aspects of hard-core feminism have damaged the family and our country as a whole. There are far too many kids growing up without the nurturing and stability they need. But in this case, I think men and women are both to blame. We don't always focus on what's really important.
 

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When girls cheated on me in the past I didn't take it seriously and I didn't take it personally. It was their choice and their right, it was their responsibility. I would be honest about my feelings and state my needs and professionally terminate the relationship because I want better and I COULD get better people in my life. There are millions of girls out there, all with different personalities and different values and i'm gonna get all depressed over just 1 person? Give me a break.

The older I get(i'm 21) the more of an a**hole I become(in a nice way :)), the more I want to get away from depending on other people. I don't want my happiness to be dependent on very volatile external circumstances like a cheating lying girlfriend, I want all of these pleasures in life to be SECONDARY to my PRIMARY internal happiness and self esteem that is untouched by external factors.

I always think of romantic partners just like I think about business partners. Do you want a partner that lies all the time, spends the business profits on parties and drugs, is uncooperative , is immature, irresponsible?

I choose people whose VALUES closely match mine.
 

dknise

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Here's my guess: You're dating the wrong kinds of girls. Sometimes, the ones that seem all sparkly when you first meet them aren't really quality down deep inside.
I totally understand when people say that. The thing is though, I've dated rich girls, poor girls, beautiful girls, "ugly" girls, intelligent girls, brain dead girls, extroverted girls, and introverted girls. Whether they're white, black, asian, latino, their story and "type" have never made a difference. That's not speaking from my own experience, but my own experience viewing every single relationship I have ever seen.

About Feminism: Even as a woman, and someone who's been very glad to see women move forward, I do agree that certain aspects of hard-core feminism have damaged the family and our country as a whole. There are far too many kids growing up without the nurturing and stability they need. But in this case, I think men and women are both to blame. We don't always focus on what's really important.
Agreed, but I don't think the work side of feminism has destroyed the family, it's the lack of equal respect for men. I send out love and never have it fully reciprocated, despite hearing heart felt "I love you"'s so much.



ps. I apologize if I sound angry, I am angry! There was only one thing I wanted in my life and that was a committed partner. All my entrepreneurship endeavors were for my partner and kids and I'm coping with the reality that I will probably never find that.


socaldude said:
There are millions of girls out there, all with different personalities and different values and i'm gonna get all depressed over just 1 person?
That's just it, it's not just one person, it's every female on the planet I've ever met including my mom hahaha. I'm so depressed about it too. I've more than played the field which is why I've come to the conclusion that what I'm looking for is extremely rare.

socaldude said:
The older I get(i'm 21) the more of an a**hole I become(in a nice way ), the more I want to get away from depending on other people. I don't want my happiness to be dependent on very volatile external circumstances like a cheating lying girlfriend, I want all of these pleasures in life to be SECONDARY to my PRIMARY internal happiness and self esteem that is untouched by external factors.
BOOM. Like reading straight from my heart haha. Your PRIMARY internal happiness that is external, I've been living life where my primary internal happiness stems from the success and happiness of my partner. Why do I seem like I'm a total a**hole now? Because I'm finally internalizing that happiness and putting myself before others. It's this external approach I've had to relationships that's caused me so much pain in my life.

socaldude said:
I choose people whose VALUES closely match mine.
I only know a handful of people that share my values and they are men, in an all male fraternity organization. If I ever met a girl who shared those values, it would be game over haha, but this is what I'm talking about, I don't think I will ever find her.
 

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There are too many variables to be painting relationships with a broad brush. Yes the divorce rates are very high but not all marriages end in divorce.

Several things I see from my experience. I enjoyed partying hard from 18-24. 18 was legal drinking age back then. Those girls that were partying were looking for fun too, they weren't serious. Around 24-25 I got bored and lonesome. I needed a partner, not someone I had to rescue. When I changed the pool I was fishing in and changed my attitude I met my wife. We have been together almost 30 years.

I think it's hilarious/interesting from both sides that people meet partying hard, get married, and then one of them wants to settle down and make a family. Usually the other one still wants to party. People are not projects to mold and change.

IMHO you have the wrong attitude and you are looking for a wife in the wrong pool. There are solid candidates out there that don't play the meat game at the clubs. You might try the grocery store, Starbucks, the book store, or your local elementary school(new teachers).

You night try a business meetup.com thing and network in those circles. I don't think the club scene is a healthy place to find a long term wife.

Good luck.
 

dknise

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Around 24-25 I got bored and lonesome. I needed a partner, not someone I had to rescue. When I changed the pool I was fishing in and changed my attitude I met my wife. We have been together almost 30 years.
That's great to hear. :)

I think it's hilarious/interesting from both sides that people meet partying hard, get married, and then one of them wants to settle down and make a family. Usually the other one still wants to party. People are not projects to mold and change.

IMHO you have the wrong attitude and you are looking for a wife in the wrong pool. There are solid candidates out there that don't play the meat game at the clubs. You might try the grocery store, Starbucks, the book store, or your local elementary school(new teachers).
I think I probably should have clarified that I enjoy the "party" social life, but do not use it as a place to find girls. I've loved EDM music for a while and now that it's just blowing up we get to enjoy the fruits of it. That's usually just going out and dancing with just your friends and enjoying the music. I think the last time I "grinded" was at a prom haha, it's all about the shuffle and t-step and expressing your individuality now at the club.

Also, as time moves on I am noticing that girls want to settle down more, but I've already wanted to settle down since I can remember. The idea that girls are only wanting to settle down because their baby maker time clock is ticking and they know I have money is in the back of my mind. The girl from Vegas is 27 and the baby maker / support me vibe couldn't be any stronger. I only want a relationship if it's based on true love and partnership, not conditional agreements.

You night try a business meetup.com thing and network in those circles. I don't think the club scene is a healthy place to find a long term wife.

Good luck.
Thanks for the luck. :)

Three of the girls I met this year I met through startup events. They all held pretty strong positions for their age at our local giants, Microsoft and Amazon. That being said, yes, most of them are extremely intelligent classy girls, but they have an ego that comes with it. Although all of them asked for commitment from me (I assume commitment based on going on a date, not the title), I was able to figure out that all of them were playing the field with multiple guys.

The same thing goes for my ex of 3 years. I met her when she was in high school and I was only a freshman in college. I don't think it was any more possible to meet someone as sweet, innocent, and genuine as her, but things change.
 

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Two quick reactions to your story.

First, it's your age. People at 23 live life to the fullest in a physical sense. When I was 23 I partied until 5 in the morning and 3 hours later I was taking notes in a college class. At 24 I had my first business in the day and drove to Amsterdam at night to party.

You don't recruit a wife from that scene. At 30 I had settled down and totally lost interest in going out. You start seeing other type of women and relationships last somewhat longer. Instead of women cheating on me I dated divorced women.

Few years later I met my wife and we've been together ever since. Frankly I think we both lost interest in the physical side of it. We both have our work and hobbies and that's it.

Second thing is this. Men and women may be equal under the law but they are not same. They are not even remotely similar in terms of psychology. What this means is that relationships between men and women can only be harmonious if they complement each other. Both have to play their own role.

This also means that relationships where both sexes try to play the same role, where both are providers with equal economic status and both are parenting and doing household work to the same extent, are doomed to fail.

It doesn't surprise me at all that in the US the rate of broken marriages in the Red states (conservative) is far lower than in the Blue states (liberal). In the end marriage is about committing to a clearly defined role. A man and a woman can complement each other or they can fight each other to exhaustion trying to be equal in everything.
 

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First, it's your age. People at 23 live life to the fullest in a physical sense. When I was 23 I partied until 5 in the morning and 3 hours later I was taking notes in a college class. At 24 I had my first business in the day and drove to Amsterdam at night to party.

Yup, we stay up till 8-9 in the morning often or even pull all nighters. If the reason my wife wants to get married is because she's getting old and needs to be responsible, that's not genuine at all. Like I said, that feels more like a pre-arranged conditional agreement based on finances and support than true love and partnership.
 

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Interesting on the red state-blue state comparison. I've lived in a red state for a while now, but I lived in a blue state until I was almost 30. It's not just the women who tend to be more traditional in red states. The men are different too.

Generally speaking, if a guy in a blue state tells his buddies, "Hey, I can't do XYZ tonight, because I have plans with my wife," he stands a good chance of being called pussy-whipped. In a red state, the friends are much more likely to support a guy who loves and respects his wife and reinforce that view. Also, in red states there aren't nearly as many bars or clubs, and people are a lot more family-friendly.

In any event, I think it's become far too common to bash men these days. Guys aren't allowed to be guys anymore, and I don't mean sleeping around or lording themselves over women. I mean that they're not really allowed to be masculine or protective (note, I'm not saying psycho-jealous, there's a total difference.)

Here's an interesting aspect related to fiction. The alpha male characters are almost always supernatural. They're werewolves or vampires, because real men aren't allowed to be strong and protective. Personally, I think it's a shame.
 

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Chicken hawk. This is because men in blue states have been supplanted by government programs like the welfare state. Women in these states have less of a need for men in traditional roles so they don't look for these traits in men.

This can work out just fine for blue state women just as long as our government never goes bankrupt. But that could never happen right?
 

dknise

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As far as red vs blue and more faithful in red, I think that falls into the correlation between religion. I do not however believe most religious people are family oriented faithful partners because its who they are, I believe they do it out of fear of fear of damnation. Its just not genuine.
 

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I totally understand when people say that. The thing is though, I've dated rich girls, poor girls, beautiful girls, "ugly" girls, intelligent girls, brain dead girls, extroverted girls, and introverted girls. Whether they're white, black, asian, latino, their story and "type" have never made a difference. That's not speaking from my own experience, but my own experience viewing every single relationship I have ever seen.

I think you're too close to the situation to see it clearly.
You date girls that you're into.
It just so happens that those girls, who you see as a viable option/fit for you, cheat.

It's like that one girl who keeps dating abusive drunken assholes, all her friends can see what's going to happen from the get go, but she somehow thinks it's different.

I have a friend, Lyle. 100% of the women he's attracted to turn out to be lesbians, and leave him for a woman. One drunken night he ranted about how "all girls are lesbians", blahblahblahblah. I'm like "no bro, you just dig lesbians". His experience was very narrow.. the same qualities that he finds attractive, apparently, are the qualities prominent in lesbians. You have no idea how many months it took to convince the dude that all women, deep down, weren't lesbians.

I'm 25, and I've had 4 serious relationships in my life. 4 girls I've said "I love you" to. And a few of what I call non-relationships.
None of those girls have cheated on me. The one girl who broke up with ME left me when her ex got into a car accident and she realized she still had feelings for him. Another girl continued to text her ex for an uncomfortable amount of time before we fought about it and she cut off all ties.
Not once has there even been a "close call" with a random stranger.

Incidentally, all the women I've dated have been really really smart. Creative, business minded, artistic, motivated, movers and shakers. These chicks would never go to vegas with the girls because they hate vegas.

What I get out of your situation? The chicks you're into are cheaters.
There's still hope for you, for the nuclear family, for families.
 

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In any event, I think it's become far too common to bash men these days. Guys aren't allowed to be guys anymore, and I don't mean sleeping around or lording themselves over women. I mean that they're not really allowed to be masculine or protective (note, I'm not saying psycho-jealous, there's a total difference.)

This is a core belief of mine about modern America.
Sad stuff.
Whenever I post a FB update that indirectly indicates/implies I serve as a protector/decision maker.
I get a handful of haters I knew from college saying that I'm "what's wrong with men today."
My girl actually jumps in and says she prefers it that way, and she's met with comments about how she's "brainwashed."

I've been saying for the past 7 months or so that there's a change brewing.
First there will be a traditional "man's man" resurgence (sometime in 2014/2015 it will be at it's strongest)
and then it will die down and (hopefully) be replaced with a 'humanist' view becoming popular.
 

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Slightly off topic, but there's a real thought-provoking book called "The Fourth Turning." It discusses how things come and go in cycles, even though we (with our limited life-span) tend to see things as going in one direction or another. In these cycles, one of the things that changes is how gender lines are blurred.

For example, in the 1920s, gender roles were more blurred than they were in the 1930s. Think about it, the ideal woman in the 1920s had short hair and a boy-like figure. Then, curvy, feminine women came back into fashion. The line seems pretty blurred right now. After this period ends, according to this theory, there will once again emerge stronger differences between men and women.

The book was really interesting on a lot of levels. Aside from the cycles of the USA throughout its history, it also had some incredible insight on generational differences.
 

dknise

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I think you're too close to the situation to see it clearly.
You date girls that you're into.
It just so happens that those girls, who you see as a viable option/fit for you, cheat.

It's like that one girl who keeps dating abusive drunken assholes, all her friends can see what's going to happen from the get go, but she somehow thinks it's different.

Like I said, I've dated a lot of different types of people from different walks of life. All of them have made me form a negative outlook on the future of relationships. In addition to that, every, single, relationship, I have ever seen in my entire life between any two people, was exactly the same.

The last person that said "I've never been cheated on" was a close entrepreneur friend. I challenged him that his girlfriend probably had dirt, so within 5 minutes he opened his girl's email to prove she wasn't, typed into the search "suck dick" and found out she had infact been cheating on him for over two years. I honestly believe if you look in any relationship, chances are everyone's cheating.

God this is depressing haha. :(
 

Tom.V

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I honestly believe if you look in any relationship, chances are everyone's cheating.
Perhaps if you only deal with scum. Just because you've been burned a time or two doesn't mean everyone is like that. Have a little faith in the human race, it's hard I know. But optimism goes a long way.
 

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Perhaps if you only deal with scum. Just because you've been burned a time or two doesn't mean everyone is like that. Have a little faith in the human race, it's hard I know. But optimism goes a long way.

Couldn't agree more.
To the OP - you sound massively emotionally immature, you've obviously been burnt and it has skewed you view of women as a species.
You cannot tar every woman with the same brush, that is ridiculous.
No, every woman does not cheat, don't be silly.
 

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What's wrong with me? As it turns out, I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with me. There are two common denominators in every one of the relationships I've had and witnessed, me and the female psyche. So if it's not me, it must be the female psyche.

If you were talking to a friend who keeps getting scammed (craig's list, ebay, get rich quick stuff... whatever... I'm pretty sure we all know someone who always falls for something), and he came to the conclusion that he should never trust anyone, what would you tell him? Clearly the people who are taking advantage of him are at fault, but somehow he keeps managing to let it happen. That doesn't absolve them of blame of course, but he seems to be doing something that makes it possible. His conclusion isn't rational as shown by lots of other people in the world that have made deals where both sides were happy. Maybe he doesn't know anyone in his circle of friends that have had good deals, but that obviously doesn't mean that they don't exist.

One thing to always keep in mind is that while we can only control ourselves, we do exert certain influence that we aren't consciously aware of (for example, inadvertent communication though our body language ). Even if there are things totally outside of our influence that can affect our lives, it can be a beneficial delusion to assume that we're 100% responsible for everything that happens. Even if you're right that the problem lies entirely with the female psyche, believing that it's still somehow 100% in your control is a much more productive stance (unless you want to abandon your goal of having a happy relationship entirely).


Well for THE LONGEST TIME I kept blaming myself. I'm an alpha male. I'm opinionated. I go to the gym. I have lots and lots of money. I meet new girls who are interested in me constantly. I don't suck in bed haha. Every girl, including my cheating ex, comes crying back proclaiming their everlasting love and how sorry there are... So what's wrong?

You're assuming that all of these things are positives, and I think most men would agree. That doesn't mean that we're right though. We're not your target market, after all. However, even if most women would also agree, that doesn't mean they're right either. People are notoriously bad at really knowing what they want. Just consider the dating advice that most women give...

Consider that the very things that you think make you a great person may also be the things that attract the kind of partner that you don't want. I realize that that's really shitty to consider, but it doesn't mean that it isn't possible. That could explain why you're seeing this behavior universally too.

You say that all women that you know of behave like this, and as support you say that you've tried it with all different types of women. BUT all of those women had at least a couple of things in common: You were attracted enough to them to consider a relationship, and they were attracted enough to you to do the same.



dknise said:
When I know a girl is interested, I tell her straight up that I am not looking for commitment or a relationship.

I've been waiting for that girl to come along and prove everything I think wrong, but I'm regretfully 100% right in my doomsday prophecies and I'm no longer waiting.

While it may have been outside factors before, now it sounds like a totally self-fulfilling prophesy. You're never going to get a girl to prove you wrong now because your idea girl wouldn't even consider you because you tell her straight up that you're not looking for commitment or a relationship.


dknise said:
There was only one thing I wanted in my life and that was a committed partner.
I have no idea about your situation of course (so sorry if this is way off base, but just consider for a minute that it may not be), but this sounds very much like a number of friends that I've had over the years. From my knowledge of them, I'll speculate that this makes you a bit needy in a relationship and that that is very attractive/endearing to women at first (which is why you have no problem attracting them) but that it gets old/tiring after a while, and you end up pushing them away.
 

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I am a fan of Polyamorous relationships. IE; Open relationships, as long as safe sex is practiced.

There is nothing like being single though. I can really do whatever I want, as long as the bills are paid.

On the flip, it is nice for someone to be there to hold you accountable.
 

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I think you are right dknise, "the feminist movement" did radically change transform the way that men and woman view their relationships in general... just watch an hour of music videos and you'll see what's valued today.

That's not to say that every girl/woman has the same YOLO values and will cheat on you, there are some that don't follow the trends of culture and WILL VALUE their commitment to you.

Like I tell my kids, look at how a person (that you are interested in) respects, themselves and their family and you can predict how they will respect and value you and your relationship :)
 

smarty

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Just to clarify:
I am a REALLY really nice guy at heart. You may say I must have been an a**hole to deserve to get cheated on, but honestly, if I told you the full story (which would take hours), I think you would think the same too now. So, where am I at? I'm a socialite, I go to clubs, I have lots of friends, and I meet lots of people. When I know a girl is interested, I tell her straight up that I am not looking for commitment or a relationship. Things progress, shit goes down, girl asks for relationship, I decline, and everyone calls me an a**hole. I feel like I finally understand why "all guys are assholes." I'm not being an a**hole, I'm simply defending myself and my happiness. I've been waiting for that girl to come along and prove everything I think wrong, but I'm regretfully 100% right in my doomsday prophecies and I'm no longer waiting. If I judge my happiness based on a mythical faithful partner in life I'm going to be miserable. It's time to accept I am alone and learn to love it.
When one girls cheats on you, it might be her fault, if that happens with every girl it is surely your fault for not being man enough. Girls don't want to feel like they're being used like a sex toy, they want to feel beautiful & appreciated. Apparently you give that vibe initially, then go into jerk mode or denier mode.
1. Go out
2. Have fun
3. Hook up

be upfront for what you want, keep things fun & easy going, and if they ask for a committed relationship that you're not ready, just say something like "let's not rush things, let's just have fun and see where it goes". you gotta check Coach Corey Wayne on youtube since his videos have saved me years of frustration, and what he says works every time :)
 

Chopper

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I always envisioned my life progressing forward as two people. I never envisioned myself being alone ... When I know a girl is interested, I tell her straight up that I am not looking for commitment or a relationship. ...

Still trying to understand where you are coming from. You are looking for a serious relationship and then tell women that you're not and then are caught offguard when they are less than honest with you (even when they were the ones that pushed for commitment).

If you want to find a woman who will be committed and faithful to the relationship my advice is be upfront about what you are looking for in a relationship. Don't waste time pursuing (or being pursued by) someone who is comfortable with the idea that a relationship with you is anything but serious.

I won't lie. You will get rejected by a lot of women. I certainly was. You will need to accept it, and don't abandon the idea of being faithful to a relationship you aren't in yet.

Just like many people mistake business success as a single moment of luck instead of years of hardwork and constant rejection, people also mistake a successful relationship as something that begins when you meet someone special by chance.

Relationship success begins long before you meet the other person.

Feminism has nothing to do with what you have experienced. Stop blaming movements and other people in general. That's sidewalk mentality.



Sent from my SPH-L300 using Tapatalk 2
 

Mrs. BRKb

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This is a business example, but the lesson is pertinent. Communicate your behavioral expectation of fidelity, and be congruent about it, too, in every aspect of your own behavior. What behaviors do you want to see? (Somehow these women believed that cheating was an ok thing to do. What led to that?)


"When I got up there, he said, Tell me, Trenell, what your problem is--but put it in behavioral terms.

"Behavioral terms? I echoed. What do you mean by behavioral terms?

"I mean, the manager explained to me, that I do not want to hear about only attitudes or feelings. Tell me what is happening in observable, measurable terms.

"I described the problem the best I could.

"He said, That's good, Trenell! Now tell me what you would like to be happening in behavioral terms.

"I don't know, I said.

"Then don't waste my time, he snapped.

"I just froze in amazement for a few seconds. I didn't know what to do. He mercifully broke the dead silence.

"If you can't tell me what you'd like to be happening, he said, you don't have a problem yet. You're just complaining. A problem only exists if there is a difference between what is actually happening and what you desire to be happening.

"Being a quick learner, I suddenly realized I knew what I wanted to be happening. After I told him, he asked me to talk about what may have caused the discrepancy between the actual and the desired.

"After that the One Minute Manager said, Well, what are you going to do about it?"

"Well, I could do A, I said.

"If you did A, would what you want to happen actually happen? he asked.

"No, I said.

"Then you have a lousy solution. What else could you do? he asked.

"I could do B, I said.

"But if you do B, will what you want to happen really happen? he countered again.

"No, I realized.

"Then, that's also a bad solution, he said. What else can you do?

"I thought about it for a couple of minutes and said, I could do C. But if I do C, what I want to happen won't happen, so that is a bad solution, isn't it?

"Right. You're starting to come around, the manager then said, with a smile on his face. Is there anything else you could do? he asked.

"Maybe I could combine some of these solutions," I said.

"That sounds worth trying, he reacted.

"In fact, if I do A this week, B next week and C in two weeks, I'll have it solved. That's fantastic. Thanks so much. You solved my problem for me.

"He got very annoyed. I did not, he interrupted, you solved it yourself. I just asked you questions--questions you are able to ask yourself. Now get out of here and start solving your own problems on your time, not mine.

"I knew what he had done, of course. He'd shown me how to solve problems so that I could do it on my own in the future.

"Then he stood, looked me straight in the eye and said, You're good, Trenell. Remember that the next time you have a problem.

"I remember smiling as I left his office."


Source: The First Secret: One Minute Goals | Fast Company | Business + Innovation
 

MMatt

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I tend to get the "you're too controlling" stuck to me because i try to sway them from treasonous and body/life damaging decisions. Yolo? Nah, I'm all set.
 

arcola

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Couldn't agree more.
To the OP - you sound massively emotionally immature, you've obviously been burnt and it has skewed you view of women as a species.
You cannot tar every woman with the same brush, that is ridiculous.
No, every woman does not cheat, don't be silly.


Don't just ping in with your BS if you haven't read the whole thread. Women aren't saints. The facts are divorce and women infidelity is rising dramatically.

FYI 100% of the women he was mentioning did cheat...
 

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