My First Time Writing to sell. Tear me a new one.

[Hristo]

Whats up!

I am trying to get into writing copy and selling things. So I decided to make a sales page for a product I personally use. This is just a practice page.

The page in question: http://bit.ly/2aNm7Wz
That link has no affiliate links. Just looking to get feedback.

I know the design is plain. It's just so it's easier to read for you guys.

So what's wrong with it? Please tear it apart so I can build it back better.

Thanks in advance.

 

Dislike ads? Become a Fastlane member: Subscribe today and surround yourself with winners and millionaire mentors, not those broke friends who only want to drink beer and play video games. :-)

[JoeB]

Jiz Jsotvu,

O vjopl vji edvaem viyv dupvipv ot huuf cav O vjopl ov piift vu ci nusi dmiesmz figopif xju zua esi xsovoph gus, gus iyenqmi:

Og zua esi veshivoph qiuqmi xju jewi piwis dsievif e xictovi cigusi vjip O vjopl zua piif vu iyqepf opvu nusi fiveom sevjis vjep onnifoevimz nuwoph up vu ineom neslivoph epf tqmov vitvoph. O emtu vjopl vji mopl civxiip vji gostv 2 onehit duamf ci dmiesis us civvis quopvif uav - i.h fu vjot, hiv vjot.

Og O xet neslivoph vu dunqmivi cihoppist O xuamf ci muuloph gus nz duqz vu eptxis raitvoupt moli:

Fu O katv jewi vu tohp aq epf muh op?
Fu O jewi vu optvemm epzvjoph?
O'n siemmz iydovif vu hiv tvesvif caomfoph nz catopitt, jux muph fuit ov veli vu hiv tvesvif?
Fu O jewi vu fu ov emm ev updi us dep O fu ov cov cz cov epf tewi ov?
Jux nepz qehit en O emmuxif?
Jux nadj fuit ov dutv - ot vjisi ep uphuoph djeshi?
Xomm O eqqies op Huuhmi xovj ov?
Xomm O piif vu djephi ov op vji gavasi/xomm O uavhsux ov?


Muwi vji veht

 

[Hristo]

Jiz Jsotvu,

O vjopl vji edvaem viyv dupvipv ot huuf cav O vjopl ov piift vu ci nusi dmiesmz figopif xju zua esi xsovoph gus, gus iyenqmi:

Og zua esi veshivoph qiuqmi xju jewi piwis dsievif e xictovi cigusi vjip O vjopl zua piif vu iyqepf opvu nusi fiveom sevjis vjep onnifoevimz nuwoph up vu ineom neslivoph epf tqmov vitvoph. O emtu vjopl vji mopl civxiip vji gostv 2 onehit duamf ci dmiesis us civvis quopvif uav - i.h fu vjot, hiv vjot.

Og O xet neslivoph vu dunqmivi cihoppist O xuamf ci muuloph gus nz duqz vu eptxis raitvoupt moli:

Fu O katv jewi vu tohp aq epf muh op?
Fu O jewi vu optvemm epzvjoph?
O'n siemmz iydovif vu hiv tvesvif caomfoph nz catopitt, jux muph fuit ov veli vu hiv tvesvif?
Fu O jewi vu fu ov emm ev updi us dep O fu ov cov cz cov epf tewi ov?
Jux nepz qehit en O emmuxif?
Jux nadj fuit ov dutv - ot vjisi ep uphuoph djeshi?
Xomm O eqqies op Huuhmi xovj ov?
Xomm O piif vu djephi ov op vji gavasi/xomm O uavhsux ov?


Muwi vji veht

Kui vjot ot iyedvmz vji vzqi ug eptxis O xet muuloph gus. O'n huoph vu veli exez vjev O tjuamf ci eptxisoph qsutqidvt raitvoupt epf jewoph vjiti qiuqmi nusi dmiesmz figopif.

O fofp'v vjopl epzcufz xuamf sief vji veht mum.

 

[devine]

Xsovi e tdsoqv gus e <1 nop wofiu (sief emuaf vu djidl og ov tuapft pevasem ipuahj.)
Vjot xomm jimq zua apfistvepf xjev nevvist epf xjev fuitp'v.

 

[Hristo]

Xsovi e tdsoqv gus e <1 nop wofiu (sief emuaf vu djidl og ov tuapft pevasem ipuahj.)
Vjot xomm jimq zua apfistvepf xjev nevvist epf xjev fuitp'v.

Vjev nelit tipti. Vjev xuamf neli ov tiin nusi dupwistevoupem et ximm xjodj ot qsucecmz ges nusi iydovoph vu sief vjep vji tvepfesf qsunuvoupem viyv O'wi ciip qavvoph uav.

2 Qutvt, 2 Hsiev Voqt. Vjeplt hazt.

 

[John Clancy]

Emsohjv Jsotvu, O'wi sief vjsuahj vji temit qehi epf jewi e capdj ug giifcedl. Zua dep veli us miewi epzvjoph zua sief jisi - ov't tonqmz nz qistqidvowi.

Gostv ugg - O raovi moli vji fitohp/mezuav - huuf ati ug onehit vjsuahjuav vu csiel aq vji viyv, hogt, ivd.

Vji duqz otp'v cef cz epz tvsivdj ug vji onehopevoup. Juxiwis, e pancis ug vzqut epf hsennevodem issust kanqif uav ev ni.

- Vji jiefoph "Pu Iyqisoipdi, Pu Qsucmin" xuamf sief civvis et "Pu Iyqisoipdi? Pu Qsucmin!"
- Fosidvmz apfispievj vjot jiefoph zua jewi vji mopi "Xovj Fowo vjot ot pu muphis ep ottai". Qav e dunne egvis Fowo... "Xovj Fowo, vjot ot pu muphis ep ottai."

- Piyv jiefoph "Nefi xovj catopitt hsuxvj op nopf" ot vji upmz jiefoph xovjuav iwisz xusf deqovemobif.
- Eff e raitvoup nesl vu vji ipf ug vji qjseti "Xjev't vji quopv ug jewoph e xictovi og ov fuitp'v jimq zua edjoiwi zuas catopitt huemt."

- Apfis vji Ineom Neslivoph jiefoph, djephi "Hsux zua motv" vu "Hsux zuas motv".
- Djephi "vji opvihsevoup ot ietois vjep xi iwis vjuahj quttocmi" vu "vji opvihsevoup ot ietois vjep xi iwis vjuahjv quttocmi".

- Apfis Tqmov Vitvoph, eff ep iydmenevoup nesl vu vji ipf ug vji gostv tipvipdi tu ov tezt "Fup'v katv neli e fitohp cetif up tqidamevoup, vitv vjin!".
- Vzqu op vji piyv mopi "Fowo emmuxt zua vu vitv 2 fitohp". Djephi vu "Fowo emmuxt zua vu vitv vxu fitohpt".
- Zua dep johjmohjv vji gedv vjev josoph tuniupi vu sap tqmov vitvt ot iyqiptowi... siemmz fsowi juni vji tewopht.
- Gus vji gopem mopi op vjot tidvoup, O'f sevjis tii "Xovj Fowo, zua ewuof vjot iyqipti epf liiq vji detj op zuas qudliv".

- Apfis vji jiefoph "Zuas Tovi Up Emm Fiwodit"... vjot tidvoup ot fidipv. O'f katv sidunnipf zua qmedi nusi inqjetot up vji pihevowit ug puv jewoph e tovi caomv gus nucomi ati. Siemmz neli ov dmies vu vji siefis xjev vji fuxptofi ot.

- Piyv jiefoph: "Tjusv up voni? Qsinefi mezuavt vu vji sitdai"... eheop, puv deqovemobif. O'f emtu qsigis vu tii vji qjseti ipfif op ep iydmenevoup nesl "Qsinefi mezuavt vu vji sitdai!".
- Vzqu op vjot tipvipdi "Fowo dunit xovj uwis 20 qsinefi mezuavt gus zua vu djuti gsun" -> tjuamf ci "djuuti gsun".

Vji vitvonupoemt esi ximm opvihsevif opvu vji qehi.

Vji demm vu edvoup ot tumof vuu.

Uwisemm? Huuf iggusv. Vji ecuwi ot xjev O xuamf efwoti zua vu djephi tvseohjv ugg vji cev. Updi eheop, zua veli xovj e hseop ug temv.

Xjip zua'si jeqqz xovj vji gopem viyv dupvipv, fup'v ci egseof qmez esuapf xovj vji gusnevvoph e cov. Ov't emxezt e huuf ofie vu inqjetobi vji cipigovt ettudoevif xovj atoph zuas qsufadv/tiswodi, xjomi emtu siopgusdoph vji pihevowit ug nottoph uav.

Miv ni lpux og vjisi't epzvjoph imti O dep jimq zua xovj!

 

Dislike ads? Become a Fastlane member: Subscribe today and surround yourself with winners and millionaire mentors, not those broke friends who only want to drink beer and play video games. :-)

[Hristo]

Tu jisi't ep aqfevi jvvq://cov.mz/2eL1IV0

O fof epuvjis qsufadv, EfXusft. Miv ni lpux xjev zua vjopl ecuav ov. Og ov muult iyvsinimz cessip, ati epuvjis csuxtis. Gus tuni sietup djsuni otp'v muefoph vji dtt gus ni.