Married with a Child, now what?

[TeacherToOwner]

Hey everyone,

Almost a year ago, I received some incredible help from some amazing people on this forum. To recap, I took a job 1.5 hours away from where I was living which required me to relocate. I moved in with my mother which was absolutely horrible due to her negative and abusive ways. We fought all the time; she constantly insulted me, talked negatively about my wife (fiance back then), and never missed an opportunity to go on a drunk tirade.

After everyone's suggestions, I moved into my own studio apartment which was one of the best moves I've ever made. It has been great being in a quiet and peaceful environment away from the negativity. Over the course of this year, I got married, and my wife delivered our baby prematurely in February. After months in the NiCU, baby girl was finally released (in June).

Now my issue is that my wife and daughter live an hour and a half away from my apartment and job. I only see them when I visit on weekends. It's very difficult to not see them everyday, and I feel like I'm missing once-in-a-lifetime moments with my daughter. And, it's not like I wouldn't mind the commute to see them during the week, but the issue is that the traffic is horrendous, the bridge is expensive, and after working all day my energy just isn't there.

This dilemma leaves me with 3 options that I could think of:
1) My wife doesn't want to leave her family business (despite getting paid very little) and as someone like me who is on an entrepreneur forum and believes in working for yourself, I understand that. She could technically quit the family business and move in with me, but I'd feel guilty asking her to do that.

2) I can find an apartment closer which would be about half way to my job and where her and my daughter are living (in her parents house). My wife and daughter could spend the weekend here at the apartment and then I could visit there a few days during the week.

3) Buy a house over here, live in it with her and the baby, and try to get her to start her own business in the house. The problem with this is that the housing market here is crazy right now and all the homes are going way above asking price.

I guess this is a big reason why having a job and not your own business sucks :-(. I also feel frustrated because not only do I not get to see my daughter during the week, but sometimes I can't even video call her because someone is always at my wife's house visiting. I was just video calling her a few minutes ago only to be interrupted by her grandmother who wanted to spend time with the baby. The last two weekends she had family visit and they took the baby for most of the day on both Saturday's. I'm annoyed, and looking for suggestions.. Any advice would be helpful!

 

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[WJK]

Hey everyone,

Almost a year ago, I received some incredible help from some amazing people on this forum. To recap, I took a job 1.5 hours away from where I was living which required me to relocate. I moved in with my mother which was absolutely horrible due to her negative and abusive ways. We fought all the time; she constantly insulted me, talked negatively about my wife (fiance back then), and never missed an opportunity to go on a drunk tirade.

After everyone's suggestions, I moved into my own studio apartment which was one of the best moves I've ever made. It has been great being in a quiet and peaceful environment away from the negativity. Over the course of this year, I got married, and my wife delivered our baby prematurely in February. After months in the NiCU, baby girl was finally released (in June).

Now my issue is that my wife and daughter live an hour and a half away from my apartment and job. I only see them when I visit on weekends. It's very difficult to not see them everyday, and I feel like I'm missing once-in-a-lifetime moments with my daughter. And, it's not like I wouldn't mind the commute to see them during the week, but the issue is that the traffic is horrendous, the bridge is expensive, and after working all day my energy just isn't there.

This dilemma leaves me with 3 options that I could think of:
1) My wife doesn't want to leave her family business (despite getting paid very little) and as someone like me who is on an entrepreneur forum and believes in working for yourself, I understand that. She could technically quit the family business and move in with me, but I'd feel guilty asking her to do that.

2) I can find an apartment closer which would be about half way to my job and where her and my daughter are living (in her parents house). My wife and daughter could spend the weekend here at the apartment and then I could visit there a few days during the week.

3) Buy a house over here, live in it with her and the baby, and try to get her to start her own business in the house. The problem with this is that the housing market here is crazy right now and all the homes are going way above asking price.

I guess this is a big reason why having a job and not your own business sucks :-(. I also feel frustrated because not only do I not get to see my daughter during the week, but sometimes I can't even video call her because someone is always at my wife's house visiting. I was just video calling her a few minutes ago only to be interrupted by her grandmother who wanted to spend time with the baby. The last two weekends she had family visit and they took the baby for most of the day on both Saturday's. I'm annoyed, and looking for suggestions.. Any advice would be helpful!

Your problem is your relationship with your wife. She doesn't want to leave her mother. She hasn't grown up and committed to being married to you. So, she is more married to her mother than to you.... or you are unwittingly a second-string "husband" to your mother-in-law. She is calling the shots in your life. How can you win? I don't know. Your relationships with your wife and daughter are both on the line. And your wife's family is going to drive a wedge in your marriage if you make a fuss. This is one of those moments where you are damned if do and damned if you don't. Sorry to give you a reality check. I know this all hurts a lot!

On the other hand, since the odds are stacked against you, you can be creative and try different solutions. You know that you can't make your wife do anything but...
Can you move in with her? Can you find a job close to her house? Can you work remotely? Can you ask for the baby half of the time? Can you offer to work for her family's business? Can she work remotely or fewer days per week so she and the baby can come to you a few days per week? Can you ask the family to give her a raise? Can you start a business side gig to solve the $ problems? What are the possibilities of alternative housing? And the list goes on...

Every night when you go to sleep ask your brain to work on it. Keep a paper and pencil next to your bed and write down the first thing that comes to your mind when you wake up -- even if it is the middle of the night. Work on it. Sleep on it. Solve it! Keep throwing out solutions when you talk to your wife and her family. They will get tired of your relentless solutions and start to take you seriously -- that is after they tell you how stupid you are along with all of your ideas. You must have a thick skin to make this work. Use a lot of humor along with all of the persistence But, at this point, what do you have to lose?

 

[amp0193]

Get your priorities straight dude.

I feel like I'm missing once-in-a-lifetime moments with my daughter

You are. And you'll never get that time back. You're going to miss every milestone. You'll think you saw your baby's first steps, but it's only because your wife doesn't have the heart to tell you that they actually happened 2 weeks ago when you were living in another city for who knows the F*ck why.

You're a vice principal, cool. So you're working 2x the hours of a teacher for like 25% more pay. Does that really sound like a good trade off to you?

I hope the behavior problems that end up in your office this school year truly appreciate how much more time you're spending with them than YOUR OWN CHILD.

Talk to your wife and work out a solution that somehow gets you guys together. One of you needs to leave (or you could both move into a place halfway in between... but that's 45 min each way and a sole-sucking commute for each of you... not to mention the fuel costs... so probably better not to). And money isn't the only decision making factor here. There are other things that are important. Best relationship advice I ever got: "If it's important to you, it's important to me".



So who am I to be talking to you like this?:

• Music major in college (like you)
• Then a high school music teacher (Like you, I didn't love teaching, plus the hours were insane)
• Switched to middle school music teacher for less pay, because the hours were way better and I could spend more time at home. (But I liked the job even less).
• Then turned down a promotion because it would've been 2x the work for 5% pay bump (and again, I valued my time at home more than the money)
• Took a 3 month unpaid parental leave the day my daughter was born, to help my wife through post-partum, and to hang with the newborn... and also got some fastlane shit in the works (and dedicated every evening to it when my leave was up. Do some digging through my ancient post history and you may find stories about me skyping with chinese factories at 2am one handed while my daughter was taking a bottle with the other.
• Quit my teacher job 18 months later, making twice my teacher salary from the fastlane biz. (which was a jewelry biz btw, which from your post history sounds like the business idea you never executed on).
• A week later took a 2 month trip with my wife and 18-month old to Europe, living the dream.

(And like you, my wife earns next to nothing working a minimum wage job she loves at a small family-owned place, and has done so for the last 15 years, so I didn't have her income to fall back on either.)

So you and I have a lot of similarities in our stories.

Where our paths diverged, is I prioritized making choices that brought me closer to family and freedom over advancing in a career that I didn't even like, and you've done the opposite.

 

[Kevin88660]

Hey everyone,

Almost a year ago, I received some incredible help from some amazing people on this forum. To recap, I took a job 1.5 hours away from where I was living which required me to relocate. I moved in with my mother which was absolutely horrible due to her negative and abusive ways. We fought all the time; she constantly insulted me, talked negatively about my wife (fiance back then), and never missed an opportunity to go on a drunk tirade.

After everyone's suggestions, I moved into my own studio apartment which was one of the best moves I've ever made. It has been great being in a quiet and peaceful environment away from the negativity. Over the course of this year, I got married, and my wife delivered our baby prematurely in February. After months in the NiCU, baby girl was finally released (in June).

Now my issue is that my wife and daughter live an hour and a half away from my apartment and job. I only see them when I visit on weekends. It's very difficult to not see them everyday, and I feel like I'm missing once-in-a-lifetime moments with my daughter. And, it's not like I wouldn't mind the commute to see them during the week, but the issue is that the traffic is horrendous, the bridge is expensive, and after working all day my energy just isn't there.

This dilemma leaves me with 3 options that I could think of:
1) My wife doesn't want to leave her family business (despite getting paid very little) and as someone like me who is on an entrepreneur forum and believes in working for yourself, I understand that. She could technically quit the family business and move in with me, but I'd feel guilty asking her to do that.

2) I can find an apartment closer which would be about half way to my job and where her and my daughter are living (in her parents house). My wife and daughter could spend the weekend here at the apartment and then I could visit there a few days during the week.

3) Buy a house over here, live in it with her and the baby, and try to get her to start her own business in the house. The problem with this is that the housing market here is crazy right now and all the homes are going way above asking price.

I guess this is a big reason why having a job and not your own business sucks :-(. I also feel frustrated because not only do I not get to see my daughter during the week, but sometimes I can't even video call her because someone is always at my wife's house visiting. I was just video calling her a few minutes ago only to be interrupted by her grandmother who wanted to spend time with the baby. The last two weekends she had family visit and they took the baby for most of the day on both Saturday's. I'm annoyed, and looking for suggestions.. Any advice would be helpful!

I guess the optimal choice is to suck it up with it and not make any changes.

Seeing your family members at the weekend is not bad after all.

Many foreign workers in my country live in dorms and see their family members once a year.

Whatsapp/wechat video call is free.

Buy the best toys and clothes for your girl to make up for it.

 

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[Panos Daras]

I guess this is a big reason why having a job and not your own business sucks :-(

Having a business can also be very taxing. I am currently working on the side on my business and the workload is a lot. There are just so many things that need to be done! And yes you do not have a boss, you have 1000s of them. And you need to monitor (not micromanage) the work of everyone that helps you because if not they will F*ck up. That being said the feeling you get when you create something from nothing is really worth it.

On another note, time spent away from family is time you will never never never never (did I say never?) get back! There is always a tradeoff so you need to decide for yourself what your priorities are.

I also have a daughter and when she came into this world I was working 12 hours days on a start-up from hell doing accounting and getting paid a lot for the role. But the emotional drain was not worth it so I quit and found a more relaxed and interesting job. This way, I could also have the energy to focus on my family and health. After that moment, these two have become a priority. And from then my priorities did not change.

So the next step for you my friend is to take a piece of paper and WRITE DOWN your priorities in life. Then fix the first item on the list if it is not how it should be.
----------------------
PS: The first item on the list should always be health.

 

[Plushy]

Sorry rewording to be nicer
I suggest you work on the side business to make 10x what you do at your job and buy the wife out of her job to come be with you.

 

[TeacherToOwner]

Get your priorities straight dude.



You are. And you'll never get that time back. You're going to miss every milestone. You'll think you saw your baby's first steps, but it's only because your wife doesn't have the heart to tell you that they actually happened 2 weeks ago when you were living in another city for who knows the F*ck why.

You're a vice principal, cool. So you're working 2x the hours of a teacher for like 25% more pay. Does that really sound like a good trade off to you?

I hope the behavior problems that end up in your office this school year truly appreciate how much more time you're spending with them than YOUR OWN CHILD.

Talk to your wife and work out a solution that somehow gets you guys together. One of you needs to leave (or you could both move into a place halfway in between... but that's 45 min each way and a sole-sucking commute for each of you... not to mention the fuel costs... so probably better not to). And money isn't the only decision making factor here. There are other things that are important. Best relationship advice I ever got: "If it's important to you, it's important to me".



So who am I to be talking to you like this?:

• Music major in college (like you)
• Then a high school music teacher (Like you, I didn't love teaching, plus the hours were insane)
• Switched to middle school music teacher for less pay, because the hours were way better and I could spend more time at home. (But I liked the job even less).
• Then turned down a promotion because it would've been 2x the work for 5% pay bump (and again, I valued my time at home more than the money)
• Took a 3 month unpaid parental leave the day my daughter was born, to help my wife through post-partum, and to hang with the newborn... and also got some fastlane shit in the works (and dedicated every evening to it when my leave was up. Do some digging through my ancient post history and you may find stories about me skyping with chinese factories at 2am one handed while my daughter was taking a bottle with the other.
• Quit my teacher job 18 months later, making twice my teacher salary from the fastlane biz. (which was a jewelry biz btw, which from your post history sounds like the business idea you never executed on).
• A week later took a 2 month trip with my wife and 18-month old to Europe, living the dream.

(And like you, my wife earns next to nothing working a minimum wage job she loves at a small family-owned place, and has done so for the last 15 years, so I didn't have her income to fall back on either.)

So you and I have a lot of similarities in our stories.

Where our paths diverged, is I prioritized making choices that brought me closer to family and freedom over advancing in a career that I didn't even like, and you've done the opposite.

Thank you for your reply; yes we have a lot in common. I'm glad you had your priorities straight and made it to the Fastlane. You sound like you took a problem, solved it, and made an incredible life for yourself and your family.

I am trying to look for another job closer to my wife. I literally spend every hour after work and the gym searching for jobs, sending out resumes, and pasting/attaching cover letters in order to find a job that's near her. It hasn't been easy finding another administrative position in education.

One day I hope to quit my job altogether and be my own boss. And you're absolutely right- I never started the jewelry business. I sold a few pieces and stopped as I got frustrated with the crowded space and competition. But, now that I think about it, that's not enough of a reason to quit. And perhaps I do need to go back to jewelry and pursue it as a side gig until it is successful enough where I could do it full time.

You're absolutely right. I spend more time dealing with the problems of other people's children and spend less time with my own. Something has to give.

I thought about getting a place half way, but I don't want her to travel across a bridge, with the baby, and hit all of that traffic. That's no way to live. The was our original solution. Which still brings me to the two options:
1) I get a place half way and see her weekends and I come up visit her and the baby for 1-2 days a week but then the baby sees my wife's family more than me..
2) Get her to leave the family business and just live with me..

Your problem is your relationship with your wife. She doesn't want to leave her mother. She hasn't grown up and committed to being married to you. So, she is more married to her mother than to you.... or you are unwittingly a second-string "husband" to your mother-in-law. She is calling the shots in your life. How can you win? I don't know. Your relationships with your wife and daughter are both on the line. And your wife's family is going to drive a wedge in your marriage if you make a fuss. This is one of those moments where you are damned if do and damned if you don't. Sorry to give you a reality check. I know this all hurts a lot!

I think about this sometimes, and occasionally tell her that she needs to grow up. Her mother owns a daycare in her house. It's a small operation with 9-12 kids. She could leave the business and her mom could run it herself and just take on less kids. But, then she wouldn't be working and she doesn't want to financially rely on me. Believe me, it sucks when I finally get to see my daughter on the weekend, and her cousins or other family members come up and want to see her and I'm robbed of more time with her. Something has to give.

 

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[amp0193]

It hasn't been easy finding another administrative position in education

So if it's too hard, go find something else.

Take those leadership, admin, and relationship skills and go make money doing something completely different if you have to.

Hmm, should I make sure I'm putting that administrator degree to good use, or should I live with my family.

How is that even a choice?

1) I get a place half way and see her weekends and I come up visit her and the baby for 1-2 days a week but then the baby sees my wife's family more than me..
2) Get her to leave the family business and just live with me..

Or 3) at least be open to considering the possibility of changing your own situation completely. It deserves to be an option on the table. But you left it off here and in the OP.

I'm not saying that's the right answer for you guys, maybe she does just need to move. I'm just saying that by you not putting it on the table it shows that you don't really think her needs are worthy of consideration.... which doesn't bode well for how this eventually resolves (or doesn't).

 

[biophase]

Hey everyone,

Almost a year ago, I received some incredible help from some amazing people on this forum. To recap, I took a job 1.5 hours away from where I was living which required me to relocate. I moved in with my mother which was absolutely horrible due to her negative and abusive ways. We fought all the time; she constantly insulted me, talked negatively about my wife (fiance back then), and never missed an opportunity to go on a drunk tirade.

After everyone's suggestions, I moved into my own studio apartment which was one of the best moves I've ever made. It has been great being in a quiet and peaceful environment away from the negativity. Over the course of this year, I got married, and my wife delivered our baby prematurely in February. After months in the NiCU, baby girl was finally released (in June).

Now my issue is that my wife and daughter live an hour and a half away from my apartment and job. I only see them when I visit on weekends. It's very difficult to not see them everyday, and I feel like I'm missing once-in-a-lifetime moments with my daughter. And, it's not like I wouldn't mind the commute to see them during the week, but the issue is that the traffic is horrendous, the bridge is expensive, and after working all day my energy just isn't there.

This dilemma leaves me with 3 options that I could think of:
1) My wife doesn't want to leave her family business (despite getting paid very little) and as someone like me who is on an entrepreneur forum and believes in working for yourself, I understand that. She could technically quit the family business and move in with me, but I'd feel guilty asking her to do that.

2) I can find an apartment closer which would be about half way to my job and where her and my daughter are living (in her parents house). My wife and daughter could spend the weekend here at the apartment and then I could visit there a few days during the week.

3) Buy a house over here, live in it with her and the baby, and try to get her to start her own business in the house. The problem with this is that the housing market here is crazy right now and all the homes are going way above asking price.

I guess this is a big reason why having a job and not your own business sucks :-(. I also feel frustrated because not only do I not get to see my daughter during the week, but sometimes I can't even video call her because someone is always at my wife's house visiting. I was just video calling her a few minutes ago only to be interrupted by her grandmother who wanted to spend time with the baby. The last two weekends she had family visit and they took the baby for most of the day on both Saturday's. I'm annoyed, and looking for suggestions.. Any advice would be helpful!

Just wondering why a job 1.5 hours away required relocation. Many people drive that daily to go to work.

My commute to work was 1.5 hours each way in Chicago.

 

[TeacherToOwner]

So if it's too hard, go find something else.

Take those leadership, admin, and relationship skills and go make money doing something completely different if you have to.

Hmm, should I make sure I'm putting that administrator degree to good use, or should I live with my family.

How is that even a choice?



Or 3) at least be open to considering the possibility of changing your own situation completely. It deserves to be an option on the table. But you left it off here and in the OP.

I'm not saying that's the right answer for you guys, maybe she does just need to move. I'm just saying that by you not putting it on the table it shows that you don't really think her needs are worthy of consideration.... which doesn't bode well for how this eventually resolves (or doesn't).

I didn't think about utilizing my skills and knowledge to look for a completely different career, but that's an interesting idea (until my own business takes off). I also started a little side gig of educational consulting, but I haven't made any money or sales, yet.

The priority is my family, without a doubt. However, I do need money because without that I can't support them, nor myself.

I'm actively trying to change my situation, and like I said, I look for jobs closer to her almost every single day.

But as of right now, while looking for jobs and/or a completely different career, AND trying to start up a jewelry business, I can't let anymore time go.

I spoke to my wife last night, and she's willing to leave her family business (small family-run day care with 9-12 children). She's willing to move in with me, but she'd be missing out on her 500/week + the opportunity for our daughter to go to daycare for free (in the moms/grandmas home). If my wife ended up getting a job somewhere, a lot of money would get eaten up in daycare expenses. I also suggested she start a little babysitting operation with 2-3 kids while she stays in my apartment with our daughter to make extra money during the day, but she had no interest in doing that.

I'm trying to think outside of the box here, but the only two options I have remain the same, to recap:
1) My wife and daughter move in with me, but then she looses her 500/week and opportunity for our daughter to go to daycare at her family business for free.
2) I find an apartment halfway in between. She and the baby come stay with me Friday-Sunday evening. And I visit say 2x a week after around dinner time, spend a few hours, and then head back. So I would be seeing them 5x/week, but only sleeping with my wife on Friday's and Saturday.

 

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[Andy Black]

Just wondering why a job 1.5 hours away required relocation. Many people drive that daily to go to work.

My commute to work was 1.5 hours each way in Chicago.

I think my commute was 1.5 hours too. I drove and either listened to podcasts or mulled them over.

 

[TeacherToOwner]

Just wondering why a job 1.5 hours away required relocation. Many people drive that daily to go to work.

My commute to work was 1.5 hours each way in Chicago.

I come back every weekend, and that 1.5 hours is more like 2+ with traffic. I've tried commuting, and that's not even an option. That's a horrible way to live. Long commutes increase cortisol, I don't want that. Between all the hours I spent in the car, on gas, tolls, going over mileage in my car, maintenance, going over the bridge etc, it wasn't worth it. I felt like I had no life or free time. So that's why it required relocation- that was a no brainer for me.

 

[Isaac Odongo]

Hope you find a solution that makes you, your wife and your daughter happy. I can't imagine how it feels.

 

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[Awakened2022]

I come back every weekend, and that 1.5 hours is more like 2+ with traffic. I've tried commuting, and that's not even an option. That's a horrible way to live. Long commutes increase cortisol, I don't want that. Between all the hours I spent in the car, on gas, tolls, going over mileage in my car, maintenance, going over the bridge etc, it wasn't worth it. I felt like I had no life or free time. So that's why it required relocation- that was a no brainer for me.

While I greatly sympathize with your situation and understand the pressure of living away from your family, I think all is not lost.

One of the quotes I have come to love on this forum is: "If you do not sacrifice for what you love, what you love becomes the sacrifice."Therefore, are you willing to sacrifice your privileges in that job and look for a low paying one in a different industry near your wife?

I also think the best answer lies with your wife. Does she enjoy sleeping with you only twice a week? Where does she see herself and your marriage in five years?

Kindly go out with your wife on a date and do some soul-searching without the distraction of relatives.

Again, if you already suspect kindergarten will be costly on your current salary, then something needs to change.

My sister has been in a situation almost similar to yours. She got a high-paying job in Ethiopia and had to leave her family back in Uganda. She is a high-flying career woman who can only go higher. She has been visiting only twice a month.

Within six months, however, the children started refusing to talk to her over the phone unless they were assured she was at the airport coming. She was in a real dilemma:to grow her career, or become a full-time mum. We told her if the money she was earning could not allow her to stay over there with her family, then it was not worth the sacrifice. She is now in the process of taking the kids to live with her there, expensive though it will be!

I will conclude with a quote by@Andy Black which has helped me redefine my priorities:"You may think you are sacrificing for your children when you are sacrificing them."
I pray that you find a lasting solution to this .

 

[biophase]

I come back every weekend, and that 1.5 hours is more like 2+ with traffic. I've tried commuting, and that's not even an option. That's a horrible way to live. Long commutes increase cortisol, I don't want that. Between all the hours I spent in the car, on gas, tolls, going over mileage in my car, maintenance, going over the bridge etc, it wasn't worth it. I felt like I had no life or free time. So that's why it required relocation-

This is just a case of do you want it bad enough? Or which do you want more?

that was a no brainer for me.

For you it was.

All the other sh!t are lame excuses. I only see my kid two days a week because of the “mileage it would put on my car”, sounds kind of silly doesn’t it?

The fact that you rent another place closer to work tells me that the gas, tolls and maintenance cost is a fake excuse. Money is not the reason.

Maybe you hate driving. Fine. But you have to be real to yourself with why you are in your current position.

Is it worth it for you to endure the 2+ hour commute to see your wife and kid every day.

That is the real question.

 

[TeacherToOwner]

This is just a case of do you want it bad enough?


For you it was.

All the other sh!t are lame excuses. I only see my kid two days a week because of the “mileage it would put on my car”, sounds kind of silly doesn’t it?

Normal people endure all this stuff going to and from work everyday.

It’s good I’m not normal and strive for more.

Do I want it bad enough? Lol. That sounds like a silly question. I’m not going to even answer it.

My goal is to find a win-win, a solution where I see my daughter and wife, where my wife is happy, and where I’m not loosing 4 hours a day in traffic- because that’s a miserable existence. Maybe you were okay with that and willing to accept it, but Im not.

 

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[WJK]

It’s good I’m not normal and strive for more.

Do I want it bad enough? Lol. That sounds like a silly question. I’m not going to even answer it.

My goal is to find a win-win, a solution where I see my daughter and wife, where my wife is happy, and where I’m not loosing 4 hours a day in traffic- because that’s a miserable existence. Maybe you were okay with that and willing to accept it, but Im not.

How about a situation where you live with your wife and daughter? You know -- like a real family. You talk about wanting time with your daughter, but you don't seem to be as passionate about time with your wife. Uh? You might even want more children. It sounds like a change of employment or a way to bring her and your baby to you. You teach music. Can you set up a side gig tutoring or giving lessons to make up the $500? Can you go her way and get something going there? Your problem appears to be a lot deeper than simple geography.

Edit: I have a friend who takes her music lessons via Zoom.

 

[msufan]

I would begin with the belief that living with my wife and child was 100% non-negotiable and go from there.

 

[Two Dog]

she's willing to leave her family business (small family-run day care with 9-12 children). She's willing to move in with me, but she'd be missing out on her 500/week + the opportunity for our daughter to go to daycare for free (in the moms/grandmas home).

Have you thought about the problem just in financial terms?

#1. You live back with them. That means making up whatever amount your job pays every month.
#2. They live with you. That means making up $2,000 monthly for your wife's income and another $1,500 for day care.

Do the same with the other options including driving every day. The additional costs are gas, tolls and a three hour commute. Maybe you drive every other day. Maybe she drives one day and you drive two. Maybe her mom can open a branch location next door to your apartment that your wife runs ($0 shortfall). Your wife can find another day care job which probably offers discounted day care ($1,000 shortfall). The two of you can start a daycare center together. Offer music classes to new parents with their infants aka Baby Einstein.

Whatever it's going to be, it's always going to come down to what everyone is willing to do. If the two of you (maybe three with mom) spent a couple of hours throwing out ideas - no matter how ridiculous they might sound - you'll come up with something better than today's situation. It might not be ideal or long-term, but you can start by improving today and working your way to better options down the road.

 

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[biophase]

It’s good I’m not normal and strive for more.

Do I want it bad enough? Lol. That sounds like a silly question. I’m not going to even answer it.

My goal is to find a win-win, a solution where I see my daughter and wife, where my wife is happy, and where I’m not loosing 4 hours a day in traffic- because that’s a miserable existence. Maybe you were okay with that and willing to accept it, but Im not.

You are renting an apartment 2 hours away. You are paying rent and utilities. By living with your wife, these costs go down to zero. Yes, you will have increased costs in gas, maintenance and tolls. But wouldn't living with your wife still be cheaper?

The reason I say you don't want it bad enough is because you mention how miserable it would be for you driving 4 hours a day. But the reward for the misery is spending 7pm to 11pm every night with your family.

What I hear is that the avoidance of the misery of commuting > spending weeknights with your family. For some reason I get the feeling that you don't want to live in your wife's parents home. It sounds like a busy household and you want to be able to have some quiet time.

 

[Johnny boy]

How on earth are you considering not living with your wife and kid? Give it a year before she has a boyfriend if you continue.

Rent a place big enough for the 3 of you.

Go work.

She can do her little BS Etsy homemade earrings business or whatever in between taking care of the baby and the house.

You come home and see the family, then get to work on your own business so you never have to be a wage slave again.

Make enough to reach your current income, use that W2 money to get a mortgage (very hard for non W2 self employed people with new business), get the business income steady and quit your job.

Scale up, make a real income, have time freedom, enjoy life with your family and go travel around with them. Live a good life instead of the shit wage slave life you have. One where you can go jet skiing at your lake house at 2pm on a Tuesday.

But, you probably won’t, I can smell it. You said it all right here.

Long commutes increase cortisol, I don't want that.

No willingness to endure. The compass that guides your decisions should point towards the direction of maximum efficacy, not cortisol minimization, in fact they are usually the opposite direction. In layman’s terms: don’t be a bitch. I have problems every day. I get threatened to be sued. Employee problems regularly. People depend on me and my business to pay to feed their kids. And next year I want it to be twice as bad because we’re twice as big, throw all the problems on my back, I can handle it. I’m sure that studies would show that doing stuff at 3am because it needs to be done by the morning raises cortisol. I just know that stress is inside of my mind and I can choose to be calm in any situation. I like stress, it gets rid of the people who have not mastered their mind. More for me. If I have to drive for hours I convince myself it’s a useful time and listen to music or an audiobook. It’s not a problem at all.

Combine the above advice with constant improvement in all areas. Get in great shape, look your best, speak and act with conviction, seek out improving your discipline, spend time always absorbing relevant information on how to achieve your goals, only socialize with other winners on the same path.

For you to get in this mess there’s likely 100 other things going wrong that led to it.

There’s two responses

Most common: Be arrogant even though you’re the one with the problem. Make excuses. Look for emotional validation instead of objectively solving the problem. Argue.

Least common: Drop the ego. Do what needs to be done. Be a man and carry the weight. Look at yourself honestly and desire to improve more than you want to feel comfortable.

 

[REV5028]

loosing 4 hours a day in traffic

Does it have to be a total loss though? There are so many ways to use that time productively. Time spent in traffic will always be a loss when you think of it as such. I urge you to reflect on your mindset and reframe your outlook on your situation, and I would suggest you start with:

I would begin with the belief that living with my wife and child was 100% non-negotiable and go from there.

I would also suggest making this more of a team effort between you and your wife.

 

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[Andy Black]

Does it have to be a total loss though? There are so many ways to use that time productively. Time spent in traffic will always be a loss when you think of it as such. I urge you to reflect on your mindset and reframe your outlook on your situation, and I would suggest you start with:

I have to commute 4 hours a day.

vs

I get to commute 4 hours a day.


IF you're going to commute 4 hours a day then how can you turn that into an advantage?

Is there anyone else going the same way who could share? Or pay?

What can you learn in 4 hours a day? (Be careful of consuming too much so you don't know what your own thoughts are though).



Many years ago I made it a rule that I refused to spend less time with my kids now so I could spend more time with them later.

Another was to be the man I want my sons to grow up to be.

Another was to figure it out so I don't leave it up to my kids to figure it out.


It seems you value "free time" over spending time with your wife and newborn?


You're a dad now. You're the leader of your own tribe.

Business and life is all about figuring it out.

So figure it out.

 

[David4431]

I think you've gotten some really good advice and perspectives from the people on this thread. I'm not sure I can add too much more to what has already been said in regards to your living situation except that I personally would suck it up and do the long commute if it meant spending more time with my daughter.

What I do want to touch on is the subject of owning a business since you mention that having to work a job and not owning your own business sucks. What I think you find attractive about owning a business are the potential benefits of doing so (financial freedom, some control over your schedule, maybe geographic freedom, etc.) but I'm not sure you'll actually enjoy the realities of running a business fulltime (but I could be wrong). Running a business fulltime is a lot of hard work, a lot of pressure and sometimes requires some degree of sacrifice (personal time, money, etc.). From the things you've said so far, it doesn't really seem like this is something you would really enjoy. Again, I could be wrong since I don't know you personally... this is just my sense from reading your posts on this thread.

I think something which might suit you better is something you can do part time which brings you some extra income. Maybe this is some kind of side hustle or even a part time job (teaching music on the side as mention on this thread, doing freelance music work or even more traditional part time work like Uber, delivery jobs, etc.). Build up some savings and slowly invest in undervalued real estate. This was actually my plan if business didn't work out for me. You don't have to follow this exact formula but you get the idea. I think something slower moving like this might suit you better. The successful business owners that I know are typically highly proactive people and pretty scrappy. I think it is okay if this isn't you because there are a lot of different ways to achieve financial success that suit your personality. Hope this helps a little.

 

[TeacherToOwner]

Thanks to some of you for your great contribution. Others weren't as helpful, and more so bashful and presumptuous than anything else, but I digress.

To clarify somethings, I am not a music teacher. I was a teacher prior to my current position, but I didn't teach music.

I agree that I could use long commute time to do something constructive like read audiobooks and podcasts, and I'm not afraid of sacrificing. However, if you've even had a 4 hour commute, you know how painful it truly is, and how it could impact other areas of your life (i.e. you come home irritated and not in the best mood which affects the people around you). It's a lot easier to type out how glamorous it could be, but let's be real here.

I spoke with my wife this weekend and I came up with a solution which seems to work well for the time being:

1) We're going to move to an apartment which is half way from where she lives and from where my job is.
2) She will leave work Wednesday at her parents house, drive to the apartment, and live with me Wednesday night - Sunday evening.
3) Sunday evening she will head to her parents home, work Monday-Wednesday.

This way, she still makes some money, it gives me more time to find a job closer, and we're together more often. With the apartment half way I could also go there more frequently (i.e. if I didn't want to wait until Wednesday, I could go and see her on Monday and/or Tuesday).

As far as a business, I'm going to start one. I do want it, and I don't want to be a wage slave anymore. I'm done with that. Whatever it takes.

 

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[WJK]

Thanks to some of you for your great contribution. Others weren't as helpful, and more so bashful and presumptuous than anything else, but I digress.

To clarify somethings, I am not a music teacher. I was a teacher prior to my current position, but I didn't teach music.

I agree that I could use long commute time to do something constructive like read audiobooks and podcasts, and I'm not afraid of sacrificing. However, if you've even had a 4 hour commute, you know how painful it truly is, and how it could impact other areas of your life (i.e. you come home irritated and not in the best mood which affects the people around you). It's a lot easier to type out how glamorous it could be, but let's be real here.

I spoke with my wife this weekend and I came up with a solution which seems to work well for the time being:

1) We're going to move to an apartment which is half way from where she lives and from where my job is.
2) She will leave work Wednesday at her parents house, drive to the apartment, and live with me Wednesday night - Sunday evening.
3) Sunday evening she will head to her parents home, work Monday-Wednesday.

This way, she still makes some money, it gives me more time to find a job closer, and we're together more often. With the apartment half way I could also go there more frequently (i.e. if I didn't want to wait until Wednesday, I could go and see her on Monday and/or Tuesday).

As far as a business, I'm going to start one. I do want it, and I don't want to be a wage slave anymore. I'm done with that. Whatever it takes.

Good compromise.