I 'made it' and all I got was an existential crisis

[Fairhill]

After 4 years of hard work, I 'made it'. I don't have to work anymore, at an age of 27. While I can't eat in michelin-star restaurants every day, or buy a lambo in cash, my company generates enough money for me to live very comfortably, and all I do is a weekly meeting with the CEO. 60 minutes of work every week. I am essentially retired. (Although since I haven't sold the company and cashed out yet, the company could crash at any time essentially pulling me out of retirement..)

Instead of feeling awesome, I was hit with the most intense existential crisis and anxiety I have ever experienced in my life. My mind went into full panic mode and started questioning everything. Felt like I was being ripped apart. It's now month 4 since that started and it seems I'm finally coming out of it.

I'm still trying to make sense of it all. Maybe it was accumulated stress and surpressed emotions/thoughts finally being allowed to come out. Maybe it's just genetic predisposition. Maybe the spiritual books I've read over the years planted a seed that finally burst and it's part of a deeper transformation in my identity and worldview. Or maybe a combination of all of those things. I'm still cycling through different emotions, and at times I am filled with a deeper peace than ever before.

In a way these 4 months have been more challenging than the 4 years of hard hard work building my business. I'm excited to see what happens from here.

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

I was hit with the most intense existential crisis and anxiety I have ever experienced in my life.

I don't understand.

Anxiety of what? Losing it all? Fear? Fear of death? Fear of losing purpose? An "existential crisis" can mean virtually anything.

 

[Fairhill]

I don't understand.

Anxiety of what? Losing it all? Fear? Fear of death? Fear of losing purpose? An "existential crisis" can mean virtually anything.

I would just be relaxing and thoughts like "why is there something instead of nothing" and other existential questions would just hit me out of nowhere. There was also a feeling of doom and that things just weren't right. I became anxious that I would go insane or into psychosis.

 

[N.S.]

After 4 years of hard work, I 'made it'. I don't have to work anymore, at an age of 27. While I can't eat in michelin-star restaurants every day, or buy a lambo in cash, my company generates enough money for me to live very comfortably, and all I do is a weekly meeting with the CEO. 60 minutes of work every week. I am essentially retired. (Although since I haven't sold the company and cashed out yet, the company could crash at any time essentially pulling me out of retirement..)

Instead of feeling awesome, I was hit with the most intense existential crisis and anxiety I have ever experienced in my life. My mind went into full panic mode and started questioning everything. Felt like I was being ripped apart. It's now month 4 since that started and it seems I'm finally coming out of it.

I'm still trying to make sense of it all. Maybe it was accumulated stress and surpressed emotions/thoughts finally being allowed to come out. Maybe it's just genetic predisposition. Maybe the spiritual books I've read over the years planted a seed that finally burst and it's part of a deeper transformation in my identity and worldview. Or maybe a combination of all of those things. I'm still cycling through different emotions, and at times I am filled with a deeper peace than ever before.

In a way these 4 months have been more challenging than the 4 years of hard hard work building my business. I'm excited to see what happens from here.

Major caveat to my response - it is impossible to advise on anxiety on a message board without knowing the full context, and even then you should likely seek to speak with a professional. Although that's another minefield, like everything else there are great mental health professionals and awful ones, regardless of qualifications and experience. A bit of research and screening will go a long way.

I would suggest a reframe - perhaps you have not "made it" (a subjective thing) to the extent you actually want to "make it" and that's why you aren't feeling whatever you thought you might feel. It sounds to me like you've got to a very important 1st step which is divorcing your time from your income to a level that you can live comfortably. That is massive - congratulations! - and a huge percentage of ppl never get there. However, it is a first step.

The next level - when you can eat in Michelin star restaurants regularly, buy a lambo in cash or fly business or first class long haul multiple times a year (if those things are important to you or would make your life better) without thinking about the cost, is an entirely different experience. I am NOT saying these things will automatically make you happy or take away your anxiety, but being able to spend money on the things you care about or ppl you care about almost certainly will.

As an entrepreneur, in my opinion getting to a financial level which allows you to comfortably spend money on more of the things that are important to you is a place where - if there are no other psychological issues - it's quite hard not to feel fulfilled and satisfied.

I think you've done fantastically well to get to where you have at just 27. Getting to the next level probably won't be as hard as what you've done already. Exciting times ahead if you choose to execute.

 

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[Fairhill]

Major caveat to my response - it is impossible to advise on anxiety on a message board without knowing the full context, and even then you should likely seek to speak with a professional. Although that's another minefield, like everything else there are great mental health professionals and awful ones, regardless of qualifications and experience. A bit of research and screening will go a long way.

I would suggest a reframe - perhaps you have not "made it" (a subjective thing) to the extent you actually want to "make it" and that's why you aren't feeling whatever you thought you might feel. It sounds to me like you've got to a very important 1st step which is divorcing your time from your income to a level that you can live comfortably. That is massive - congratulations! - and a huge percentage of ppl never get there. However, it is a first step.

The next level - when you can eat in Michelin star restaurants regularly, buy a lambo in cash or fly business or first class long haul multiple times a year (if those things are important to you or would make your life better) without thinking about the cost, is an entirely different experience. I am NOT saying these things will automatically make you happy or take away your anxiety, but being able to spend money on the things you care about or ppl you care about almost certainly will.

As an entrepreneur, in my opinion getting to a financial level which allows you to comfortably spend money on more of the things that are important to you is a place where - if there are no other psychological issues - it's quite hard not to feel fulfilled and satisfied.

I think you've done fantastically well to get to where you have at just 27. Getting to the next level probably won't be as hard as what you've done already. Exciting times ahead if you choose to execute.

Thanks for your input. I'm not really coming here for advice, more so to share my anecdote, maybe it could be interesting for some. I've been working with psychologists and it's been somewhat helpful.

And yes, I'm definitely not done, there is levels to this game and I've only reached level 10 of 1000. It's an important milestone however.

Just now landing on my feet and getting ready to re-enter the game.

 

[Simon Angel]

Been there, done that. Summer of 2019, although one of the best summers—and years—of my life, I went through mild psychosis. Well, sort of mild...

I kept seeing matching "angel" numbers everywhere. 11:11, 15:15, whatever. On my watch, license plates, random places, etc. They always had a meaning, or, at least, I always assigned them one.

Weird synchronicities like talking with my friend about how we're living in a simulation with its own programmed physics and bugs, etc, and then visiting my (at the time) new girlfriend's city for the first time and seeing that the store RIGHT next to her apartment was called "MATRIX"...

Some other times, I'd be tying my shoes before going out and would all of a sudden get these vivid, seemingly "prophetic" visions of how I'd get run over by a car right outside my apartment IF I didn't delay my tying my shoe laces by 7 seconds, etc.

At one point, I even began suspecting most of my close ones were "disinformation" agents—whether voluntary or just "programmed to do so"— and that they either don't exist OR that they solely exist to keep me rooted in reality. But the problem was that I perceived "reality" as a threat, as a big fat lie.

However, even though my theories (which were much more intricate than the ones above yet fortunately forgotten) were so convincing to me, it didn't take me long to realize that I might be mentally ill, and began taking tests for schizophrenia and such.

Well, after some research, I realized that (probably) don't have schizophrenia. But I also realized I had a pretty severe case of OCD and "magical thinking" throughout my whole life. This manifested in peculiar ways, such as me thinking I "MUST" rinse my glass exactly 3 times before I drink water out of it or else I'd die or something really bad would happen.

And it's quite difficult to deal with that because these "safety" rituals can become more and more elaborate over time and really deteriorate your quality of life.

So what did I do? Probably the worst "treatment" possible... I simply began to rebel against this inner voice.

Magical thinking: "Rinse your glass 3 times or die tonight" (kind of resembles those chain emails people used to spam the shit out of your inbox with, I'm convinced most people who fell for it had OCD as well lol)

Me: "OK, I find this very uncomfortable and even scary to do, but I'll rise my glass a random number of times and take my chances. F*ck you."

I still get intrusive thoughts and sometimes even catch myself doing a ritual or two, but my theories have become more grounded in reality/science and I've become a lot more normal with time.

Anyway, going back to your post, my experiences came after having a very happy and relaxed year following one of the worst years of my life (in which I had nothing going for me and even almost died a couple of times). So there might be some pattern to mental health crises occurring after a lot of stress and adversity that's followed by good, peaceful times.

Oh, and the fact that you've achieved at 27 what most people aim to do when they're 60 or 70 (and often fail anyway) is probably a big factor too. You're already retired at 27 while everyone else around you is fighting for breadcrumbs and desperately trying to figure it out, and yet they might even be happier than you. This could be due to a lack of hobbies or simply feeling like you don't "fit in".

Try not to dwell on it too much and don't be ashamed to share your weird (and sometimes deluded) thoughts with your friends.

 

[REV5028]

I would suggest a reframe - perhaps you have not "made it" (a subjective thing) to the extent you actually want to "make it" and that's why you aren't feeling whatever you thought you might feel.

This resonates with my own story. Last year I finished my PhD and wasn't feeling as accomplished, happy, etc. as I had expected. I realized after a few months that finishing the PhD had become my end goal and I was struggling to fill the void of not having a new goal. Just identifying this helped me immensely. I also realized that I needed time to recover, so I tried not to pressure myself into jumping into the next goal/project, but it was helpful to know I wasn't done learning, growing, experiencing, etc.

there might be some pattern to mental health crises occurring after a lot of stress and adversity that's followed by good, peaceful times.

I can also relate to this. I like to make the analogy to a loaded spring. When a spring under pressure is finally and suddenly no longer under pressure, it chaotically and violently responds. @Simon Angel I'm glad to hear you've made it through your psychosis!

Edit:
Ugh, I'm still waking up.. I also meant to congratulate you, @Fairhill on your accomplishments so far! Looking forward to hearing about your next goal and achievements!

 

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[Fairhill]

Been there, done that. Summer of 2019...

Thanks for sharing and glad to hear you made it through in one piece!

This resonates with my own story. Last year...

I like the spring analogy.

 

[Kevin88660]

After 4 years of hard work, I 'made it'. I don't have to work anymore, at an age of 27. While I can't eat in michelin-star restaurants every day, or buy a lambo in cash, my company generates enough money for me to live very comfortably, and all I do is a weekly meeting with the CEO. 60 minutes of work every week. I am essentially retired. (Although since I haven't sold the company and cashed out yet, the company could crash at any time essentially pulling me out of retirement..)

Instead of feeling awesome, I was hit with the most intense existential crisis and anxiety I have ever experienced in my life. My mind went into full panic mode and started questioning everything. Felt like I was being ripped apart. It's now month 4 since that started and it seems I'm finally coming out of it.

I'm still trying to make sense of it all. Maybe it was accumulated stress and surpressed emotions/thoughts finally being allowed to come out. Maybe it's just genetic predisposition. Maybe the spiritual books I've read over the years planted a seed that finally burst and it's part of a deeper transformation in my identity and worldview. Or maybe a combination of all of those things. I'm still cycling through different emotions, and at times I am filled with a deeper peace than ever before.

In a way these 4 months have been more challenging than the 4 years of hard hard work building my business. I'm excited to see what happens from here.

Congrats.

Tutoring business usually has robust demand.

Average household in my country spends around $500 a month on that.

 

[heavy_industry]

I would just be relaxing and thoughts like "why is there something instead of nothing"

This is one of the most clear and rational thoughts you've ever had in your life.

Life has absolutely no purpose by default.
It is a completely blank page.

And the most wonderful thing about it, is that you can write on that paper exactly what you want. You can be anything and everything you want.

There is no logical explanation for why we are alive, why life exists, or why does anything exist at all. There is no purpose, no reason for being, no end goal, nothing. The very existence of our world is completely absurd.

But it's not meaningless.

Imagine a wonderful violin song.
The goal is not to play as quickly as possible, or to play as many notes as possible, or to hit a certain note. The goal of playing the violin is to play the violin - for it's own sake.

The same thing happens with life.
It has no clear purpose, no clear destination, no clear end goal: exactly as the violin song. The purpose of life is living. It's life itself.

And we're supposed to dance and sing along, while the music is still playing.

---

Congratulations on achieving this milestone.
I would get back into the game as soon as possible and/or start other pursuits (especially athletic ones).

As I've said, life is a blank page. We need to keep writing on it what we want.

 

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[WillHurtDontCare]

After 4 years of hard work, I 'made it'. I don't have to work anymore, at an age of 27. While I can't eat in michelin-star restaurants every day, or buy a lambo in cash, my company generates enough money for me to live very comfortably, and all I do is a weekly meeting with the CEO. 60 minutes of work every week. I am essentially retired. (Although since I haven't sold the company and cashed out yet, the company could crash at any time essentially pulling me out of retirement..)

Instead of feeling awesome, I was hit with the most intense existential crisis and anxiety I have ever experienced in my life. My mind went into full panic mode and started questioning everything. Felt like I was being ripped apart. It's now month 4 since that started and it seems I'm finally coming out of it.

I'm still trying to make sense of it all. Maybe it was accumulated stress and surpressed emotions/thoughts finally being allowed to come out. Maybe it's just genetic predisposition. Maybe the spiritual books I've read over the years planted a seed that finally burst and it's part of a deeper transformation in my identity and worldview. Or maybe a combination of all of those things. I'm still cycling through different emotions, and at times I am filled with a deeper peace than ever before.

In a way these 4 months have been more challenging than the 4 years of hard hard work building my business. I'm excited to see what happens from here.

You know what's worse than experiencing an existential crisis? Never experiencing existential crises, because then you'd be an NPC.

Part of the issue is likely that when you were building your business, you knew exactly how you were supposed to spend your day. Now that you only have to work an hour a week, your schedule is clear and you don't know how to spend your time. Or it could be that you're stressed because you haven't figured out what the next level for you to chase is.

I get the sense that when you lock in on your next mission, you'll be fine. Then the cycle will repeat, because that's life.

 

[Kevin88660]

After 4 years of hard work, I 'made it'. I don't have to work anymore, at an age of 27. While I can't eat in michelin-star restaurants every day, or buy a lambo in cash, my company generates enough money for me to live very comfortably, and all I do is a weekly meeting with the CEO. 60 minutes of work every week. I am essentially retired. (Although since I haven't sold the company and cashed out yet, the company could crash at any time essentially pulling me out of retirement..)

Instead of feeling awesome, I was hit with the most intense existential crisis and anxiety I have ever experienced in my life. My mind went into full panic mode and started questioning everything. Felt like I was being ripped apart. It's now month 4 since that started and it seems I'm finally coming out of it.

I'm still trying to make sense of it all. Maybe it was accumulated stress and surpressed emotions/thoughts finally being allowed to come out. Maybe it's just genetic predisposition. Maybe the spiritual books I've read over the years planted a seed that finally burst and it's part of a deeper transformation in my identity and worldview. Or maybe a combination of all of those things. I'm still cycling through different emotions, and at times I am filled with a deeper peace than ever before.

In a way these 4 months have been more challenging than the 4 years of hard hard work building my business. I'm excited to see what happens from here.

Do you think AI will disrupt the education sector?

 

[Fairhill]

Do you think AI will disrupt the education sector?

Not that fast. The education system is run by people in their 40s to 60s who are hesitant to embrace AI. In the tutoring sector you're usually selling to parents who are again in their 40s or so. Not exactly early adopters.

But then again, no one can predict the future and AI has made huge leaps the last couple years.

 

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[Johnny boy]

Oh no so sad now your only problems are whiney 1st world existential crisis problems.

You should be facing real, material, tangible, true problems instead of fake made up personal problems.

You have real problems to solve. Are you as rich as you want to be? Are you as fit as you want to be? Do you have the ideal social life? No? Fix that shit. And to fix real problems like those, you will not be able to face them if YOU are not on your own side and getting out of your own way. It's already tough enough to be the best version of yourself, you will not achieve that being your own enemy.

You need mini-retirements but your life's work should never finish. Grow the business....hit a new level, enjoy the scenery for a few months and live like a 60 year old. Get a tan, travel around, party, sit on the dock at your lakehouse and drink mojitos all summer, then get back to work grinding away at hitting the next level. It's a cycle.

Every time I hit a new level, I enjoy it. First I enjoyed just being semi-retired. Enough coming in to not have to "work". Then I got back to business and hit another level. Then I enjoyed the free time along with a new lifestyle of having more money to afford traveling and a small house on the water. I am back working now, and once we hit a new level, I will enjoy it to the fullest for a bit before getting back to work.

 

[Guest-5ty5s4]

Well, you have solved the money, food, and basic needs problem, so now you have to face your real problems: life.

Family? Loved ones? Purpose? Who are you helping, do you have someone you care about, who cares about you, do you have any responsibility, something you enjoy doing?

I'm young too but starting to realize these things are important (and can be annoying at times, haha).

How is your shelter situation? Still renting? Paying a mortgage? There are lots of goals you could set and problems you could solve. I doubt you're "done"

 

[Ubu_roi]

Interesting thoughts, and I agree with most of what everyone has said here.

I think that we are "programmed" to keep moving, and finding new challenges.
When you have a goal, you think that reaching that goal will make you [happy, rich, free, fulfilled, perfect, loved... choose your own here]. Well, it's simply not true. When you reach that goal you'll maybe get your 5 minutes of glory, and then you'll move on.

Sometimes I think it's like an addiction.

What I try to do is follow my goals, but in the meantime not forget to take a break and live my life.

And like many others said, sports help a lot keeping you (more or less) sane.

 

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[heavy_industry]

You need mini-retirements but your life's work should never finish. Grow the business....hit a new level, enjoy the scenery for a few months and live like a 60 year old. Get a tan, travel around, party, sit on the dock at your lakehouse and drink mojitos all summer, then get back to work grinding away at hitting the next level. It's a cycle.

I love this idea.

 

[N.S.]

Thanks for your input. I'm not really coming here for advice, more so to share my anecdote, maybe it could be interesting for some. I've been working with psychologists and it's been somewhat helpful.

And yes, I'm definitely not done, there is levels to this game and I've only reached level 10 of 1000. It's an important milestone however.

Just now landing on my feet and getting ready to re-enter the game.

Oh man pls accept my apologies - I jumped straight into advice mode! My bad.

Yeah your sharing has sparked a good and valuable conversation here.

Stoked to hear you're landing on your feet and ready to re-enter the game.