I’m a selfish bastard, and that has caused me to fail.

[Gio9]

I admit it, I’m a selfish bastard.

After reading all three books, one of the key points that stood out to me was the idea of becoming a producer.

Throughout my whole life I have been selfish, only willing to give something if I know I’ll get something back later.

I don’t know what is it with the idea of having a giving mindset, but somehow I have associated giving with becoming a chump.

Someone that gets taken advantage of.

My assumption is that it could be from my negative dog-eat-dog worldview and childhood experiences, where I’d give something to someone with the expectation of reciprocation, but then nothing would happen and I’d feel like I was taken advantage of.

Or just the idea that humans generally are selfish and mean.

I just hate helping others solve a problem. Whether it’s in a personal or professional context.

Being a money chaser for probably my whole life has led me to personal and professional failure, as I’m also embarrassed to admit that I’ve been fired 28 times from jobs I didn’t care about.

A lot of the feedback was my attitude, which would make me perform bad.

Mainly because I was focusing on what I was getting out of each job. I hated pretending I was excited to do work I didn’t like, and so that would show.

And as far as business, unfortunately I bought a lot of programs and books which filled my head with useful life changing knowledge, only to realise that I’d have to use it to offer something to a group of people.

Can anyone relate to this? I can’t seem to figure how you can be a giver in this crazy selfish world where nobody gives a f**k about you.

 

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[peterb0yd]

I've been reading an interesting take on this in Jordan Peterson's book, 12 Rules for Life. He states that giving to others is based on delaying gratification.

I'm going to scratch your back first so that when I need my back scratched, you'll be more likely to help out.

It costs me little to scratch other people's back, so I'm going to scratch a lot of backs first because I have the time and energy to do so. That way when I need my back scratched, I have many people I can likely count on.

He states that this was the beginning of trade between people. By me offering to scratch your back and you accepting, we've now established a contract where we will exchange value for each other in the long-term. This is good for both of us, but better for me because I offered first. All exchanges being equal, I took the leadership position and created the deal.

Most people in society are selfish bastards (as well as cowards) and are unwilling to scratch someone else's back first.

What if they get rejected?

What if it never works out?

What if they never reciprocate?

It's a scarcity mentality.

They're likely too busy receiving back scratches from generous people (by consuming their products and content) and have gotten too comfortable. Giving back scratches is "hard".

These comfortable, selfish people are also the first to complain about the difficulties of life.

So my question to you is, which person do you ideally want to be?

 

[Mattie]

I admit it, I’m a selfish bastard.

After reading all three books, one of the key points that stood out to me was the idea of becoming a producer.

Throughout my whole life I have been selfish, only willing to give something if I know I’ll get something back later.

I don’t know what is it with the idea of having a giving mindset, but somehow I have associated giving with becoming a chump.

Someone that gets taken advantage of.

My assumption is that it could be from my negative dog-eat-dog worldview and childhood experiences, where I’d give something to someone with the expectation of reciprocation, but then nothing would happen and I’d feel like I was taken advantage of.

Or just the idea that humans generally are selfish and mean.

I just hate helping others solve a problem. Whether it’s in a personal or professional context.

Being a money chaser for probably my whole life has led me to personal and professional failure, as I’m also embarrassed to admit that I’ve been fired 28 times from jobs I didn’t care about.

A lot of the feedback was my attitude, which would make me perform bad.

Mainly because I was focusing on what I was getting out of each job. I hated pretending I was excited to do work I didn’t like, and so that would show.

And as far as business, unfortunately I bought a lot of programs and books which filled my head with useful life changing knowledge, only to realise that I’d have to use it to offer something to a group of people.

Can anyone relate to this? I can’t seem to figure how you can be a giver in this crazy selfish world where nobody gives a f**k about you.

The world is pretty self-absorbed. I believe you have to evaluate the situation with each person you deal with. Everyone's not a Villain, nor do they all take from you.

I think it can get out of balance if you give to anyone and everyone, while if you are too self-absorbed and selfish you kind of lose out. You have to find the middle way. Obviously, depending on the population.

If you give free pens for example, that's giving something away, water bottles, t-shirts, but it's not like you have to give a million of them away. Usually, if we give and receive in a healthy way obviously we get something of equal value.

If we're just leaning one way or the other, it can be kind of a waste of time, energy, and losses either way.

Some of it is learning to decipher when to move and not to move with individuals just by studying their agenda, intentions, motivations, and there actions. I'm not much for words. I rather see their actions.

On the other hand, they may want to see the same thing in you. Works both ways.

 

[Johnny boy]

I'm not a giver or a taker. I'm a trader.

I make deals with customers to offer them a service for $XXX/mo

I make deals with employees to have them work for $XX/hr

I use my creativity and resources to make win-win deals and benefit myself in the process.

I do not slave away giving people things and sacrificing. Maybe for a little at first though. Do you know what I did today? I sat around the house in my underwear and hung-out with my girlfriend and that's likely what I'll be doing tomorrow. Maybe I'll go jump off my dock and swim in the lake. Maybe I'll go golf. And I'll make 15 grand this month doing so. What a giver I am. No. I'm a trader.

 

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[alexkuzmov]

I admit it, I’m a selfish bastard.

After reading all three books, one of the key points that stood out to me was the idea of becoming a producer.

Throughout my whole life I have been selfish, only willing to give something if I know I’ll get something back later.

I don’t know what is it with the idea of having a giving mindset, but somehow I have associated giving with becoming a chump.

Someone that gets taken advantage of.

My assumption is that it could be from my negative dog-eat-dog worldview and childhood experiences, where I’d give something to someone with the expectation of reciprocation, but then nothing would happen and I’d feel like I was taken advantage of.

Or just the idea that humans generally are selfish and mean.

I just hate helping others solve a problem. Whether it’s in a personal or professional context.

Being a money chaser for probably my whole life has led me to personal and professional failure, as I’m also embarrassed to admit that I’ve been fired 28 times from jobs I didn’t care about.

A lot of the feedback was my attitude, which would make me perform bad.

Mainly because I was focusing on what I was getting out of each job. I hated pretending I was excited to do work I didn’t like, and so that would show.

And as far as business, unfortunately I bought a lot of programs and books which filled my head with useful life changing knowledge, only to realise that I’d have to use it to offer something to a group of people.

Can anyone relate to this? I can’t seem to figure how you can be a giver in this crazy selfish world where nobody gives a f**k about you.

We are all selfish.
That doesnt mean that we dont exchange value.
I think you've missed the point of giving.
We dont just give our time, effort, products or services away for free.

Like @Johnny boy said, we trade.
The best from us for the best from you as represented by money, knowledge and expertise or time.

We dont just star a business to be charitable, we want (for the most part) freedom.
We just understand that to obtain this freedom, we must offer something of value to other people first. Thats it.

Its because we are so selfish and we want to LIVE, not just exist, that we spend so much time and effort in providing value to others.

Do you get it?

 

[maximusharrison]

I admit it, I’m a selfish bastard.

After reading all three books, one of the key points that stood out to me was the idea of becoming a producer.

Throughout my whole life I have been selfish, only willing to give something if I know I’ll get something back later.

I don’t know what is it with the idea of having a giving mindset, but somehow I have associated giving with becoming a chump.

Someone that gets taken advantage of.

My assumption is that it could be from my negative dog-eat-dog worldview and childhood experiences, where I’d give something to someone with the expectation of reciprocation, but then nothing would happen and I’d feel like I was taken advantage of.

Or just the idea that humans generally are selfish and mean.

I just hate helping others solve a problem. Whether it’s in a personal or professional context.

Being a money chaser for probably my whole life has led me to personal and professional failure, as I’m also embarrassed to admit that I’ve been fired 28 times from jobs I didn’t care about.

A lot of the feedback was my attitude, which would make me perform bad.

Mainly because I was focusing on what I was getting out of each job. I hated pretending I was excited to do work I didn’t like, and so that would show.

And as far as business, unfortunately I bought a lot of programs and books which filled my head with useful life changing knowledge, only to realise that I’d have to use it to offer something to a group of people.

Can anyone relate to this? I can’t seem to figure how you can be a giver in this crazy selfish world where nobody gives a f**k about you.

The fact that you're on this forum says that you're not as selfish as you think. We give and take information on here, to help strangers we'll never see in real life. Some even do it out of the goodness of their own hearts. The world has more good people than bad at the moment, or else we'd fall into anarchy.

I only have one piece of advice to give, and it's that you should work for a company who's vision you care about, in a function that you love to do. That way, you get what you want (money) and don't have to pretend to be excited. I have a young friend who works for an E-commerce app, and he's always going on and on about its new features and how it can help people from all walks of life to access financial services. He wakes up each morning excited to find new ways to communicate and market the app.

Do I see him as a corporate slave? Yes, but he's happy to be part of a project that he cares deeply about and much more motivated than I am. He's also a cherished member of the team because of his insights and creative ideas. Lastly, don't forge that it's normal and okay to be a little selfish - as long as you aren't harming others. Humans are creatures of habit driven by wants and needs after all. But because of these wants and needs, we end up helping others too.

 

[Metz]

I admit it, I’m a selfish bastard.

After reading all three books, one of the key points that stood out to me was the idea of becoming a producer.

Throughout my whole life I have been selfish, only willing to give something if I know I’ll get something back later.

I don’t know what is it with the idea of having a giving mindset, but somehow I have associated giving with becoming a chump.

Someone that gets taken advantage of.

My assumption is that it could be from my negative dog-eat-dog worldview and childhood experiences, where I’d give something to someone with the expectation of reciprocation, but then nothing would happen and I’d feel like I was taken advantage of.

Or just the idea that humans generally are selfish and mean.

I just hate helping others solve a problem. Whether it’s in a personal or professional context.

Being a money chaser for probably my whole life has led me to personal and professional failure, as I’m also embarrassed to admit that I’ve been fired 28 times from jobs I didn’t care about.

A lot of the feedback was my attitude, which would make me perform bad.

Mainly because I was focusing on what I was getting out of each job. I hated pretending I was excited to do work I didn’t like, and so that would show.

And as far as business, unfortunately I bought a lot of programs and books which filled my head with useful life changing knowledge, only to realise that I’d have to use it to offer something to a group of people.

Can anyone relate to this? I can’t seem to figure how you can be a giver in this crazy selfish world where nobody gives a f**k about you.

You know, OP, this is a super interesting take. I can relate a ton but admittedly, I had the opposite problem as you: I was way too giving and then would rarely receive any reciprocation.

On one hand, my wanting to help people so badly was a toxic trait. It boiled down to me trying to prove my value as I was constantly told by family or others in authority that I had no intrinsic value, that people wouldn't miss me if I was gone, that I make no difference, or that I'm a waste/burden/only incur a cost for existing. My need to prove I had any value would result in me just giving things away: my work and time, my money (if friends needed help with groceries or rent, I'd just be like "lol here you go" like a dumbass), my energy.

And while I like to believe not everyone is selfish and manipulative, everyone is internally motivated. Even when we give or are charitable, that comes from some sort of motivation to make us feel good and chase a dopamine high. For me, it was going out of my way to help others no matter how bad of a situation it put me in. To me, everyone was more valuable; I felt less-than-human so it was a simple rationale in my mind. A faulty one that's caused me a lot of pain and stunted a lot of my growth potential, but one that, having lived through that, I can appreciate how my own mindset has changed and enjoying the results of it.

When you act a certain way (whether, like you, you feel you only give to get.. or like me where I would only get to give..), you train people how to act around you. For you, it was how they remarked on your attitude at work and why you'd get fired so often; for me, it was how people knew I could easily be taken advantage of because of how eager I want to please others.

But as others have said in this thread, it's about balance. In your case, you can be as self-centered as you want -- but unless you find a way to address the needs of someone else, you're not going to make any money. This is true of the sidewalk and slow lane too: even in a dead-end job, you're trading your time for money. Money is frankly the physical equivalent of desire (Think and Grow Rich teaches that and it's been stuck in my mind ever since). If you desire money, you have to give something to someone else that they desire. That's just the nature of the beast.

Perhaps a reverse perspective might help though. For me, what with having once been a little b***h (I'm calling it for what it was) and so eager to help people, I've learned to temper that into something useful. Yeah, I still enjoy helping people solve problems, but I removed the guilt associated with being paid or charging them for it. I don't go out of my way to pay my friends' rent or bills. I don't dote on people with gifts (except the holidays or taking them out to dinner for their birthday). I don't feel guilty keeping my money for myself and things I want to do.

What motivates me to work on my business is that I want to build a system that I can work on, not in.. invest, reinvest, buy a house, buy a new car (not even something flashy but just because I can), and retire early. I care about doing a good job and making sure the people who work with me love what they paid me for and yeah, that makes me feel good.. but it doesn't make me feel as good as a monthly invoice worth a couple thousand. But I can't get that invoice without giving someone something for it. And because I'm not a grifter who's okay with scamming people, I can't just posture as someone of value and take their money and not give them what they were expecting either.

In order to receive, you need to give. Give too much, people take advantage of you; take too much, people feel you're taking advantage of them. But yeah, find your balance, dude. Step one's at least admitting you have an imbalance so you got that going for you.

 

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[MTF]

This is your entire problem:

I can’t seem to figure how you can be a giver in this crazy selfish world where nobody gives a f**k about you.

The world is what you think it is. If that's what you believe, nothing will work until you change how you view the world and other people.

I'm sorry to read that you think that nobody gives a F*ck about you. Even if it's true about your family and friends (doubtful), it doesn't mean the entire world is also like that.

 

[Gio9]

I've been reading an interesting take on this in Jordan Peterson's book, 12 Rules for Life. He states that giving to others is based on delaying gratification.

I'm going to scratch your back first so that when I need my back scratched, you'll be more likely to help out.

It costs me little to scratch other people's back, so I'm going to scratch a lot of backs first because I have the time and energy to do so. That way when I need my back scratched, I have many people I can likely count on.

He states that this was the beginning of trade between people. By me offering to scratch your back and you accepting, we've now established a contract where we will exchange value for each other in the long-term. This is good for both of us, but better for me because I offered first. All exchanges being equal, I took the leadership position and created the deal.

Most people in society are selfish bastards (as well as cowards) and are unwilling to scratch someone else's back first.

What if they get rejected?

What if it never works out?

What if they never reciprocate?

It's a scarcity mentality.

They're likely too busy receiving back scratches from generous people (by consuming their products and content) and have gotten too comfortable. Giving back scratches is "hard".

These comfortable, selfish people are also the first to complain about the difficulties of life.

So my question to you is, which person do you ideally want to be?

This is a profound way of thinking. Thank you.

Of course, I want to be giving back scratches in order to win in life.

 

[Gio9]

We are all selfish.
That doesnt mean that we dont exchange value.
I think you've missed the point of giving.
We dont just give our time, effort, products or services away for free.

Like @Johnny boy said, we trade.
The best from us for the best from you as represented by money, knowledge and expertise or time.

We dont just star a business to be charitable, we want (for the most part) freedom.
We just understand that to obtain this freedom, we must offer something of value to other people first. Thats it.

Its because we are so selfish and we want to LIVE, not just exist, that we spend so much time and effort in providing value to others.

Do you get it?

I do, yes, cheers.

 

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[Gio9]

The fact that you're on this forum says that you're not as selfish as you think. We give and take information on here, to help strangers we'll never see in real life. Some even do it out of the goodness of their own hearts. The world has more good people than bad at the moment, or else we'd fall into anarchy.

I only have one piece of advice to give, and it's that you should work for a company who's vision you care about, in a function that you love to do. That way, you get what you want (money) and don't have to pretend to be excited. I have a young friend who works for an E-commerce app, and he's always going on and on about its new features and how it can help people from all walks of life to access financial services. He wakes up each morning excited to find new ways to communicate and market the app.

Do I see him as a corporate slave? Yes, but he's happy to be part of a project that he cares deeply about and much more motivated than I am. He's also a cherished member of the team because of his insights and creative ideas. Lastly, don't forge that it's normal and okay to be a little selfish - as long as you aren't harming others. Humans are creatures of habit driven by wants and needs after all. But because of these wants and needs, we end up helping others too.

I read a book called give and take by Adam Grant. It turns out I'm more of a matcher.

Which is the majority of people, and thankfully it's normal. The only positive that has come out of my professional failures is that I decided to completely ditch the corporate path by immersing myself in training on copywriting so that I never have to put up with work that pays less than what I want in boring industries I don't care about.

 

[Gio9]

You know, OP, this is a super interesting take. I can relate a ton but admittedly, I had the opposite problem as you: I was way too giving and then would rarely receive any reciprocation.

On one hand, my wanting to help people so badly was a toxic trait. It boiled down to me trying to prove my value as I was constantly told by family or others in authority that I had no intrinsic value, that people wouldn't miss me if I was gone, that I make no difference, or that I'm a waste/burden/only incur a cost for existing. My need to prove I had any value would result in me just giving things away: my work and time, my money (if friends needed help with groceries or rent, I'd just be like "lol here you go" like a dumbass), my energy.

And while I like to believe not everyone is selfish and manipulative, everyone is internally motivated. Even when we give or are charitable, that comes from some sort of motivation to make us feel good and chase a dopamine high. For me, it was going out of my way to help others no matter how bad of a situation it put me in. To me, everyone was more valuable; I felt less-than-human so it was a simple rationale in my mind. A faulty one that's caused me a lot of pain and stunted a lot of my growth potential, but one that, having lived through that, I can appreciate how my own mindset has changed and enjoying the results of it.

When you act a certain way (whether, like you, you feel you only give to get.. or like me where I would only get to give..), you train people how to act around you. For you, it was how they remarked on your attitude at work and why you'd get fired so often; for me, it was how people knew I could easily be taken advantage of because of how eager I want to please others.

But as others have said in this thread, it's about balance. In your case, you can be as self-centered as you want -- but unless you find a way to address the needs of someone else, you're not going to make any money. This is true of the sidewalk and slow lane too: even in a dead-end job, you're trading your time for money. Money is frankly the physical equivalent of desire (Think and Grow Rich teaches that and it's been stuck in my mind ever since). If you desire money, you have to give something to someone else that they desire. That's just the nature of the beast.

Perhaps a reverse perspective might help though. For me, what with having once been a little b***h (I'm calling it for what it was) and so eager to help people, I've learned to temper that into something useful. Yeah, I still enjoy helping people solve problems, but I removed the guilt associated with being paid or charging them for it. I don't go out of my way to pay my friends' rent or bills. I don't dote on people with gifts (except the holidays or taking them out to dinner for their birthday). I don't feel guilty keeping my money for myself and things I want to do.

What motivates me to work on my business is that I want to build a system that I can work on, not in.. invest, reinvest, buy a house, buy a new car (not even something flashy but just because I can), and retire early. I care about doing a good job and making sure the people who work with me love what they paid me for and yeah, that makes me feel good.. but it doesn't make me feel as good as a monthly invoice worth a couple thousand. But I can't get that invoice without giving someone something for it. And because I'm not a grifter who's okay with scamming people, I can't just posture as someone of value and take their money and not give them what they were expecting either.

In order to receive, you need to give. Give too much, people take advantage of you; take too much, people feel you're taking advantage of them. But yeah, find your balance, dude. Step one's at least admitting you have an imbalance so you got that going for you.

It looks like you used to lean on the bad spectrum of giving, according to Adam Grant. I was just recently thinking about Gary Vaynerchuck's "jab,jab,jab and then ask" philosophy.

Not that I like his hustle mentality, but clearly his level of success has come from his giving mindset. And that has made me rethink that yes, if I want any success in any area of life, there's only one way to have it.

Anyhow, thanks.

 

[Gio9]

This is your entire problem:



The world is what you think it is. If that's what you believe, nothing will work until you change how you view the world and other people.

I'm sorry to read that you think that nobody gives a f*ck about you. Even if it's true about your family and friends (doubtful), it doesn't mean the entire world is also like that.

You might be right. I thought back to instances where complete strangers did or gave me things without any strings attached, and I still chose to believe that it's all black. Probably because of confirmation bias based on previous experiences.

 

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[Metz]

It looks like you used to lean on the bad spectrum of giving, according to Adam Grant. I was just recently thinking about Gary Vaynerchuck's "jab,jab,jab and then ask" philosophy.

Not that I like his hustle mentality, but clearly his level of success has come from his giving mindset. And that has made me rethink that yes, if I want any success in any area of life, there's only one way to have it.

Anyhow, thanks.

A lot of my life, I've learned inverse lessons; most people are like.. "I want to be like this person so I'll do this" but I had way more experiences of "I don't want to be like this person, so I won't do that." The latter is open to waaaaay more interpretation and that's what really f*cked up my mental health and developing that toxic "must give everything away to prove value" habit/coping mechanism.

But I've whipped it into shape now. If my happy a$$ can do it, anyone can. Just like I said, it's about finding balance. The fact that you're here trying to figure these things out. You're putting in work. Just keep at it.

(And yeah.. I used to really enjoy Gary Vee until he interviewed either Logan or Jake Paul and said "THESE GUYS ARE AWESOME" and then I'm like.. yeah, imma dip.. but that's a whole other rant for a different day lol)