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How to Spark and Hold a Meaningful Conversation with a Fastlaner

Discussion in 'General Mindset, Motivation, Beliefs' started by WealthyMarketer, Apr 12, 2019.

  1. WealthyMarketer
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    WealthyMarketer Bronze Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED FASTLANE INSIDER

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    Picture this: You find yourself seated in the middle of a large ballroom.

    In front of you is a large round dinner table covered with a cheap, partially-washed, white wrinkled tablecloth.

    You’re at the latest $10,000-A-Seat “Guru Seminar” at your local Radisson, and it’s the end of Day 1. It’s 7:30PM and your stomach rumbles with hunger.

    It’s dinner time.

    Your seminar package comes with a “VIP Networking Dinner Event”, which, of course you’re not going to turn up. After all, you took out a title-loan on your car just to be there.

    But, like most people who are trying to become Fastlaners but just quite aren’t there yet, you have nothing in common with any of these people. They’re all high energy. They’re all chatting and laughing with each other. They’re probably discussing the latest business deals they’re working on or some new book they’re writing.

    However, there you are, sitting at your table, alone.

    You sigh to yourself, pull your phone out of your pocket, and open up Candy Crush. After all, what do you have to offer anyone else in this room? You might as well keep working towards the “super-candy-bonus” that’s been eluding you all day.

    Suddenly, someone plunks down in the empty chair beside you.

    It’s the Guru!

    OMG!

    You freeze up.

    What do you say?

    See, when you’re with your friends, it’s comfortable. You talk about the shitty weather or how that damn team lost yet again last night. Any “icebreaker” small-talk will do.

    However, that kind of talk is not going to fly with the Guru. Because, as you know:

    Fastlaners And Gurus
    Don’t Need Broken Ice.

    Mr. Guru just flew in from Santa Barbara a few hours ago and took a limo to the hotel so he could be on time to give his talk. He doesn’t care about the local sports team. He doesn’t care about the storm clouds that are ready to roll in and unleash a vicious hail-storm attack on your poor little town.

    What does he care about?

    Hell if you knew. You don’t know any Fastlane gurus, at least on a personal level.

    How are you feeling right now?

    Confused?

    Nervous?

    Scared?

    If so, I have some very good news for you.

    I have put together a very simple tool you can use to spark and carry on a meaningful conversation with any Fastlaner.

    Anybody who has the ability and the knowhow to read and understand this article has the ability to use this tool.

    Properly use this tool on any high-producing Fastlaner, and they’ll give you the time and attention of a high-producing Fastlaner such as themselves…

    Even If You’re Currently Nothing More
    Than A Broke Sidewalker.

    This tool will help you speak to Gurus. This tool will help you carry on a conversation with someone light-years ahead of you.

    [By the way, this is completely erroneous thinking, but that’s for another thread].

    I know what you’re thinking:

    What Is This Tool
    And How Can I Use It?

    This tool consists of three extremely potent and powerful conversational techniques. These techniques can be used by anyone, whether they’re a Sidewalker, Slowlaner, or even a Fastlaner.

    However, if used correctly, any one of these techniques can

    Make Any Sidewalker
    Come Across Like A Fastlaner.

    Here’s the best news of all:

    I’m going to reveal all three of these techniques to you right here today at no cost to you!

    Interested?

    If you are, please go ahead and keep reading.

    I present to you here today:

    How To Spark And Hold A Meaningful Conversation With A Fastlaner
    Even When You're In Over Your Head

    Technique #1: The Psychiatrist Mirror.

    Listen.

    What did the other person just say?

    What was their last meaningful word or phrase?

    Now, repeat it back to them.

    But, don’t do it robotically. Do it with some feeling or emotion. Inflect upwards to make it seem like a question, or inflect downwards to make it seem like you’re agreeing with them.

    For example, if the Guru says, “I’m flying out to Kenya next week to help rebuild a village,” you can respond with: “Rebuild a village?”

    If the Guru says, “I’m looking to purchase a summer home,” you can respond with, “ooohhh… a summer home…”

    This does two things:

    1 - It Makes The Other Person Feel Heard And Understood.

    Because you’re reflecting their words (and their feelings and emotions!), they feel like you understand exactly what they’re feeling, seeing, and thinking in their mind’s eye (even though you live in a completely different universe!) This makes them feel acknowledged and accepted.

    By doing this, you add value to them (meaning you’re making them feel good, helping them resolve a pain-point, or possibly even solving a problem for them).

    2 - It Forces You To Actively Listen To Them.

    Most people (myself included) are terrible listeners. Most people care more about themselves than anything else in this world.

    So, naturally, even when an important person is sitting there right in front of them, most people are more focused on what they want to say and what they want out of the other person, than actually paying attention to the other person!

    One of Stephen Covey’s most famous lines is:

    “Most People Do Not Listen With The Intent To Understand;
    They Listen With The Intent To Reply.”

    Think about it: Their mind is on another business they’re starting, another way of providing value to others, or another way of saving the planet. Your mind may be on Sidewalker trivialities such as Monday Night Football or monster trucks. But, the key is, if you keep emphasizing and reflecting the words (and feelings and inflections) the other person uses, they think you live in the same world they do. They think you understand the challenges they’re going through. They think you understand exactly what they’re saying and how they’re feeling.

    See, they schmooze with lots of other people. Lots and lots of Sidewalkers and Slowlaners. However, most other people just talk about themselves and attempt to solicit stuff from the Guru.

    When you use this technique, you’ll stand out in the Guru’s mind by:

    1 - Treating them as a human being, not a hyperreality; and
    2 - Actually caring about and focusing on what they’re saying, not what you want out of the conversation.

    And, if you do it correctly,

    The Guru May Just Categorize You In Their Mind
    As A Fastlaner!

    You see, almost everyone out there has something on their mind that they want to talk about. As a conversation partner, it’s your job to draw it out.

    ***

    But, say that you’re no longer at the Guru’s dinner table, but rather, you’re in his Lamborghini Sesto Elemento, and you and him are about to embark out on a 5-hour road trip.

    Now what are you going to say?

    You can only gawk about his Elemento for so long. Remember, you want to add value to him, not tell him stuff about his car he already knows.

    He doesn’t care about your opinion.

    He doesn’t care you’re about to wet your pants with excitement and glee.

    What does he care about?

    Feeling good, solving problems, or making pain-points go away.

    He cares about value.

    Remember:

    Your Only Job On This Planet
    Is To Add Value To Others.

    So… how can you do this?

    You need a meatier conversation starter.

    You need to get him to ramble on and on for hours. You need to know what value he needs and desires most, and what value you can actually give him.

    Fortunately for you: I have just the thing.

    It’s a thirty-three-word question.

    This thirty-three-word baby has helped me open-up many a Fastlaner. Once you hear this question, it’s tough not to want to answer it. It unearths deep and hidden desires. It’ll give you the keys to the Fastlaner’s mind.

    Okay, enough. Ready to discover the secret thirty-three-word phrase?

    Here you go:

    Technique #2: The R-Factor Question.

    “If we were to meet here, right here, exactly three years from today, what must have happened both personally and professionally in your life for you to be really happy with your progress?”

    [This is also known as the Dan Sullivan Question as he invented the original wording.]

    Go ahead and memorize this question.

    No, actually do it.

    Take out a sheet of paper and a pen, and physically write this question down, word for word.

    Now, write it again. And, again.

    Do it ten times.

    Now, say it out loud. Do it again, with me this time:

    “If we were to meet here, right here, exactly three years from today, what must have happened both personally and professionally in your life for you to be really happy with your progress?”

    This is a perfect question for you to ask if you know you’re going to be spending quite a bit of time with someone new (a long road trip for instance). If someone really resonates with it, they will literally ramble on for hours. If they shut this question down, you may as well turn on the radio.

    Think about what you’re asking? Personally and professionally? Three years from today? Your life?

    Talk about a cornucopia of narcissism!

    Seriously, who wouldn’t relish the opportunity to endlessly chat about themselves after hearing that question?

    Say it again, out loud, one more time:

    “If we were to meet here, right here, exactly three years from today, what must have happened both personally and professionally in your life for you to be really happy with your progress?”

    Now, it doesn't matter if you slightly mess up the wording. You can use two or four years. You can put “in your life” before “personally and professionally.” The way I have it in here is exactly the way Dan Sullivan teaches it. It works for him, and it works for me, so I keep the wording exactly the way he has it.

    [By the way, just in case the curiosity is gnawing at you, the “R” stands for “Relationship.”]

    ***

    So… now you’ve unlocked the Guru. You know exactly what his hopes and desires are. Instead of jumping in and talking about what you can do and what you can offer (or worse, the weather or Jennifer Aniston’s new hairdo), you’ve used the Psychiatrist Mirror to keep him focused on himself and you’ve impressed the hell out of him. However, he’s starting to run out of things to say, and this means you may just be running out of things to ‘reflect’.

    What do you do now?

    Fortunately for you, I have one more mechanism left to share with you here today.

    One more way for you to keep your fellow Fastlaner engaged and interested.

    One more way to keep him talking about himself.

    And it’s not a thirty-three-word question.

    It’s much shorter.

    And much more flexible.

    Ready?

    In school, you probably learnt that there are two types of questions that you can ask someone. You were probably taught that you can ask someone a closed question, or you can ask someone an open question.

    [Just in case you need a quick recap, a closed question is a question where a quick one-word response is expected (“What time is it?” “Did you pick up the soap?”), and an open question is a question where a multi-word response is expected (“How was the drive?” “How was the game?”)]

    You were probably taught that if you want to create and establish a deep meaningful connection and relationship with another person, open questions are the way to go.

    However, here’s the unfortunate truth:

    Your Grade-School Teachers
    Lied To You

    See, there is a fundamental problem with open questions:

    They can easily be shut down with a closed one-word answer!

    Want an example? I’ll give you one.

    Walk up to any nine-year old in any developed country, and ask them this particular question:

    “What did you learn at school today?”

    I don’t need to give you their answer, you already know they’re going to say “Nothing!

    What if there was another way you could ask someone a question?

    A way that’s near-impossible to shut down?

    A way to spark a conversation with someone when you have nothing in common with them?

    A way to get the other person to start talking about themselves in cases where there isn’t anything to mirror yet, and a thirty-three-word question may not be appropriate?

    Enter…

    Technique #3: The Unfoldment Question.

    An Unfoldment Question is a question with the word “most” in it, or a word ending in “est”.

    Examples:
    • What did you like most about UNSCRIPTED?
    • What’s the most profound lesson you learnt from a coach or a mentor?
    • Who do you think is the hottest actress on the planet?
    • What is your most favorite country?
    Asking an Unfoldment Question forces the other person to think. It forces them to “unfold” their mind. It forces them to go through different files and folders from different locations and different time periods in their head.

    It forces them to say, “Wow! That’s a great question!

    Fastlaners love to think. They love to think about what happened, what worked, and what didn’t. They love to conceive unconventional solutions to massive problems. They love to think about how they can provide value to others and save the planet. By asking an Unfoldment Question, you give your Fastlaner the opportunity and podium to do just that.

    Before I go on, I have a bit of homework for you to do.

    In your mind, right now, go ahead and make up an Unfoldment Question.

    Now, make up another.

    Now, make up one more.

    Are you using the word “most” or a word ending in “est”? Good.

    See, they’re not that hard to come up with.

    What Is The Best Unfoldment Question
    I Can Ask A Fastlaner?

    Unfoldment Questions are easy to quickly conceive, that is, if you practice often enough.

    But, I get it. Sometimes, you become so enamored with the Guru’s hyperreality, you forget about what you’re doing. Don’t worry, it happens to me too. Fortunately, I have for you here an acronym you can use to quickly come up with an Unfoldment Question in a pinch:

    Remember this word:

    FORM

    Family and Friends

    Ask them Unfoldment Questions about their friends and family. For example:
    • What is the most profound lesson you learnt from your father?
    • What is the most memorable thing your daughter did?
    Occupation
    • What’s the one thing you did that had the biggest impact on someone’s life?
    • What’s the most valuable thing you do that you wish more people knew you did?
    Recreation
    • What’s your most favorite country to travel to?
    • Who’s the most interesting person you’ve ever met while you were on vacation?
    Message

    Message in this case refers to your message as it relates to what you’re selling. So, for example, if you hawk used cars, you can ask:
    • “What do you like most about your current ride?”
    • “What aftermarket add-ons excite you most?”
    Sidewalkers and Slowlaners also love answering this style of question. They love giving long, drawn out opinions. As long as you ask them a suitable question, this is a good way to get them to mindlessly ramble on while you plan your getaway:
    • “Who do you think is the best player on Team X?”
    • “Who do you think is going to win the most Oscars this year?”
    • “What do you think the Government could be doing better?”
    Personally, I don’t like asking negative questions. I work extremely hard at maintaining a positive mental attitude. Having a PMA affords me the ability to provide much more value to others, and it’s better for my health as well. However, do what works best for you. Feel free to go ahead and ask Sidewalkers and Slowlaners negative questions such as “What do you hate most about the Government” and “Which player pisses you off most”, but it’s just not my style.

    And, for most Fastlaners, it’s not their style either.

    ***

    Alright, there you have it. Three simple techniques for you to use to spark and hold a meaningful conversation with a Fastlaner, even when you’re in over your head.

    Now what?

    Go out there and use them. Go ask someone the R-Factor question. Go ask someone else an Unfoldment Question. Show them that you’re truly listening to them by mirroring the most important words or phrases they’re saying and using.

    Remember: AAA. Act, Assess, Adjust.

    ***

    Thank you for being such a supportive reader. I know how precious your time truly is, and I really appreciate you spending the last few minutes of it with me here today.

    Thank you for making the effort to nourish your mind and soul, and thank you for affording me the opportunity to add value to you.

    You’re a beautiful person.

    -Dan
     
  2. SteveO
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    SteveO Legendary Contributor FASTLANE INSIDER Speedway Pass LEGENDARY CONTRIBUTOR Summit Attendee

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    I find that "I" get just as much out of a conversation with people as they get with me... as long as we are both being genuine.

    Sometimes people think that I am going to be something more than I am. I'm amazed at the amount of information that comes from people in general. We all have it.

    Doesn't matter who you are. You have information and skills. Usually it is just a lack of confidence. Shed that and we are all the same.
     
    Dameron, Dwight Schrute, Roz and 4 others like this.
  3. Joey El
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    Joey El Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED Speedway Pass

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    Dan, you write how I want to. Thank you
     
  4. struka
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    struka Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED

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    Loved reading this. I think nowadays so many of us lack the ability to converse so this is very helpful. Over the years I have changed from being the talker to active listener and that has helped me out a lot however I struggled with getting more information out of people without sounding weird, question 2 and 3 has helped me with that. Thank you.
     
    Dameron likes this.
  5. NovaAria
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    NovaAria Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane

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    Thanks for the tips! I will be sure to remember them.
    But just a little feedback, in the beginning I quickly skimmed through the post as it felt like the copy of someone selling a course or something. This style of writing is often abused by people who want to rope you into a long read only to sell you something at the end. Had to make sure that there was the word Free somewhere before I got invested, lol.
     
    Anakalypsi likes this.

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