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Have any of you meet or see someone that made you completely in awe and....

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hellolin

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Have any of you meet or see someone that made you completely in awe and....made you started a very deep, at least a week long self-introspection?

I did.

It is amazing to see someone that was in my exact situation years before, using the same methods, with the same mindset to solve the same problem that happened to me, except everything this person does, how he/she does is much better than I do, and this person does it consistently regardless whether how much he or she has accomplished. It completely shattered the story that I kept on telling myself how successful I am today, and forced me to give myself a very hard look into who I really am today.

Today, I found out that I am actually not a very good risk taker, nor do I like to take risks. But the thing that kills me, is that I know when I do take good, calculated risks, it pays off big time in the end. I joined the military in one of my most desperate times in my life, rocked the navy boot camp, and got out the military with free tuition money and completely avoided the 2008 finical collapse that is still shadowing America today. During college, I moved myself a couple of times to take some internships, due to the long driving distance and LA traffic, I lost one of my wheels on the high way and I was lucky to not be seriously injured; I did not get a job after that internship, but that ends up to be a good thing, because I have had the experience to take on the great job that I have now. But this great job today also morphed into a comfortable existing, that made me do not want to take anymore risks. All my friends who started out with me have moved on to become senior managers, making six figures somewhere, but I am somehow here today feeling all comfortable, until I saw this above person I described.

I literally just written a 7 page self-reflection journal, a serious look into my strengths and weaknesses. This person reminds me of who I want to be, and who I want to spend my life with, and the promise I made to myself after I overcame being bullied in middle school with one of my old friend...

There is one thing I do know, is that by choosing comfort over freedom, I have chosen to be enslaved by something, or someone. Whether it is my boss, or my own desires. By chosen comfort, I disavowed my own true passions.

What kills me is that I know I have the capability to be able to take smart risks and deliver good results...after all, I have done it several times already. For someone that doesn't like to take frequent risks like me, this is what kills me. I can do what most amazing people that I know do, doing exactly the same thing, and do it just as well, but I never, never in my life, for once, did it consistently through a long period of time. It is always doing it, then go back to whatever comfort that I can find, then stop taking any risk, and just pick someone at the bottom end of the ladder, and compare myself to that guy, and thinking, "Oh I have already done enough". But, once in a while, I get external shocks like this, and I really, really sure about this is the last time I want to experience a shock like this.

I want to become the person that I promised myself years ago, no more excuses. Really, I don't. Back then I didn't have time and capital, but now thanks to this great job that I have, I have both now, and experience, there really isn't any more excuses that I can use to not work on myself anymore.

And this starts by finding out how can I consistently becoming and maintaining that better self who took some risks and delivered. I know, that without that self being there before, I might not even find this forum in the beginning, nor would I read any of MJ's books.

Has anyone had similar experience? I would love to hear about your personal experiences, and I welcome any suggestions. I am torn by myself, why am I simultaneously a guy who took some risks and won some, but a guy that doesn't like to take risks and don't take good risks? How is this possible?
 

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NMdad

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A few things:
  • Stop telling yourself you're not a risk taker. That's a fixed mindset, and it's better to have a growth mindset; if you're not familiar with fixed vs. growth mindsets, here's a summary: Carol Dweck: A Summary of The Two Mindsets
  • Executing consistently is what creates the change you want in the world. Most of us don't learn how to do that, so it's a matter of practice & building up the execution & consistency muscles. You can do this.
  • Meeting someone who totally crushes it: Yes, I've had that experience, and it can be humbling, frustrating, inspiring, and mind-expanding. You might consider internalizing the best aspects of the person to guide you toward the choices you want to make. For example, asking yourself "what would ____ do?" can be useful--it'll get you out of your old habitual way of thinking & acting. Ask questions like: what do they do and/or how do they think differently than you? And how can you adjust what you're doing to get better results?
 
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hellolin

hellolin

Bronze Contributor
Speedway Pass
May 27, 2015
219
275
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A few things:
  • Stop telling yourself you're not a risk taker. That's a fixed mindset, and it's better to have a growth mindset; if you're not familiar with fixed vs. growth mindsets, here's a summary: Carol Dweck: A Summary of The Two Mindsets
  • Executing consistently is what creates the change you want in the world. Most of us don't learn how to do that, so it's a matter of practice & building up the execution & consistency muscles. You can do this.
  • Meeting someone who totally crushes it: Yes, I've had that experience, and it can be humbling, frustrating, inspiring, and mind-expanding. You might consider internalizing the best aspects of the person to guide you toward the choices you want to make. For example, asking yourself "what would ____ do?" can be useful--it'll get you out of your old habitual way of thinking & acting. Ask questions like: what do they do and/or how do they think differently than you? And how can you adjust what you're doing to get better results?
Thank you for your reply.

I did read about Dweck's book, and I found it fascinating. I need to be more aware of what my fixed mindsets are, and turning them into the growth mindset.

Thank you for telling me how you felt when you see that person that completely shatters your world view. It is so humbling that I wrote myself a 7 page long self-reflection. I have always thought myself that I have done well in life to get to where I am right now, but when I saw someone else living the life I want, and using the same exact method and was in the same exact situation that I was, yet this person was able to do it so much better and not do it just for looking good, but to do it for the sack of growth, this made me realise all my work that I have put in, if there was any at all during the past few years, are just to look good from the eyes of others. I did not spend any capital on actually improve myself, my mental state, and taking any risks at all. I forget that all that I have today, is actually results of me putting my life at my own hands and taking a few small risks, but as soon as I have done it, and reaped the reward from those risks, I started to enjoy the comfort a bit too much.

You are absolutely right that executing consistently is that makes the difference, in the past, I did not have to be my best self unless situation absolutely dictates me to, this creates a wired circle of events: my life goes to the state of being so bad, me being so mad at myself being at such a dismal situation, that my best self takes over and take some small risks. Then my life situation improves, I start to feel comfortable where I am at, then...the cycle starts again.

This time I am not going to let it happen again, now I understand the difference between just discipline vs self-discipline. I always thought that I have discipline since I was in the military for 5 years, but now I know, discipline can come from inside one self, or it can be super-imposed by outside forces. The discipline I got during the military days are from outside forces, my superiors and the military structure. So as soon as I was out, I lost it because I have never intentionally develop any discipline from within myself. I was afraid of all the hard work that comes in to become a real confident person, and I really think the reason why I don't like to take risks unless shit hits the fan is because I am afraid of hard work.
 

NMdad

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hellolin

hellolin

Bronze Contributor
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May 27, 2015
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T
See how pernicious these fixed mindsets are?

Discipline, execution, consistency--they're all things you can do. Start with something small, but do it every day--even just making your bed (thanks to @Vigilante for sharing this--one of the best things I've read & watched lately):
10 Life Lessons From A Navy Seal. I Will Always Remember #4.
Thanks, I started not to eat to my fullest my stomach can handle already, tired of surrendering to my comforts and forget about who I really want to become. Starting from small things will help a lot. Consistency is definitely a killer but an absolute requirement.
 

Mark Fobo

Contributor
Feb 19, 2019
106
68
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London
Have any of you meet or see someone that made you completely in awe and....made you started a very deep, at least a week long self-introspection?

I did.

It is amazing to see someone that was in my exact situation years before, using the same methods, with the same mindset to solve the same problem that happened to me, except everything this person does, how he/she does is much better than I do, and this person does it consistently regardless whether how much he or she has accomplished. It completely shattered the story that I kept on telling myself how successful I am today, and forced me to give myself a very hard look into who I really am today.

Today, I found out that I am actually not a very good risk taker, nor do I like to take risks. But the thing that kills me, is that I know when I do take good, calculated risks, it pays off big time in the end. I joined the military in one of my most desperate times in my life, rocked the navy boot camp, and got out the military with free tuition money and completely avoided the 2008 finical collapse that is still shadowing America today. During college, I moved myself a couple of times to take some internships, due to the long driving distance and LA traffic, I lost one of my wheels on the high way and I was lucky to not be seriously injured; I did not get a job after that internship, but that ends up to be a good thing, because I have had the experience to take on the great job that I have now. But this great job today also morphed into a comfortable existing, that made me do not want to take anymore risks. All my friends who started out with me have moved on to become senior managers, making six figures somewhere, but I am somehow here today feeling all comfortable, until I saw this above person I described.

I literally just written a 7 page self-reflection journal, a serious look into my strengths and weaknesses. This person reminds me of who I want to be, and who I want to spend my life with, and the promise I made to myself after I overcame being bullied in middle school with one of my old friend...

There is one thing I do know, is that by choosing comfort over freedom, I have chosen to be enslaved by something, or someone. Whether it is my boss, or my own desires. By chosen comfort, I disavowed my own true passions.

What kills me is that I know I have the capability to be able to take smart risks and deliver good results...after all, I have done it several times already. For someone that doesn't like to take frequent risks like me, this is what kills me. I can do what most amazing people that I know do, doing exactly the same thing, and do it just as well, but I never, never in my life, for once, did it consistently through a long period of time. It is always doing it, then go back to whatever comfort that I can find, then stop taking any risk, and just pick someone at the bottom end of the ladder, and compare myself to that guy, and thinking, "Oh I have already done enough". But, once in a while, I get external shocks like this, and I really, really sure about this is the last time I want to experience a shock like this.

I want to become the person that I promised myself years ago, no more excuses. Really, I don't. Back then I didn't have time and capital, but now thanks to this great job that I have, I have both now, and experience, there really isn't any more excuses that I can use to not work on myself anymore.

And this starts by finding out how can I consistently becoming and maintaining that better self who took some risks and delivered. I know, that without that self being there before, I might not even find this forum in the beginning, nor would I read any of MJ's books.

Has anyone had similar experience? I would love to hear about your personal experiences, and I welcome any suggestions. I am torn by myself, why am I simultaneously a guy who took some risks and won some, but a guy that doesn't like to take risks and don't take good risks? How is this possible?
I can relate to your story. My story in brief is (look for my intro for full one), studied, went to work in Finance in the city in London, earn a comfortable 6 figures but completely sold my freedom and time to get this which I hate. I lost my creativity, drive but my ambition keeps on kicking my a$$ telling me to wake up! Decided to start a new project this year and earn my freedom back!
 

ExaltedLife

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You are good at introspection and being honest with yourself, but you are leaping to the wrong conclusions because of your fixed mindset, just like @NMdad said.

You see this successful guy, and you see how similar he is to you in some ways and different in others, but then you leap to the conclusion that he is that way and you are inherently different. Like you have fixed identities.

You looked at his choices and actions like they were an inherited characteristic rather than an effort on his part. So perhaps you need to think a little more about the choices you make, rather than your 'traits'.

Also, you have written a large bulk about who you are as a person, but not much about what you are doing or plan to do. I think you need to become more action oriented.

So in addition to what NMDad said, I think your best bet is to choose a goal, and then create a definite action plan of how you are going to achieve it, and just get to work, one step at a time.
 
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hellolin

hellolin

Bronze Contributor
Speedway Pass
May 27, 2015
219
275
173
34
You are good at introspection and being honest with yourself, but you are leaping to the wrong conclusions because of your fixed mindset, just like @NMdad said.

You see this successful guy, and you see how similar he is to you in some ways and different in others, but then you leap to the conclusion that he is that way and you are inherently different. Like you have fixed identities.

You looked at his choices and actions like they were an inherited characteristic rather than an effort on his part. So perhaps you need to think a little more about the choices you make, rather than your 'traits'.

Also, you have written a large bulk about who you are as a person, but not much about what you are doing or plan to do. I think you need to become more action oriented.

So in addition to what NMDad said, I think your best bet is to choose a goal, and then create a definite action plan of how you are going to achieve it, and just get to work, one step at a time.

Thank you, really, what kills me is not this direct comparison between me and this person, but really is when I see I achieved some of what this person had done, and knowing that I could do it, but couldn't do it consistently is what kills me. It's like knowing myself that I am leaving money on the table every day of my life and not living to my fullest capabilities. And yes, ain't that the very definition of how a fixed mindset person lives?
 
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OP
hellolin

hellolin

Bronze Contributor
Speedway Pass
May 27, 2015
219
275
173
34
I can relate to your story. My story in brief is (look for my intro for full one), studied, went to work in Finance in the city in London, earn a comfortable 6 figures but completely sold my freedom and time to get this which I hate. I lost my creativity, drive but my ambition keeps on kicking my a$$ telling me to wake up! Decided to start a new project this year and earn my freedom back!
While my current job doesn't gets paid as much as yours, but I can honestly say this has been a dream job for anyone in my shoes. Matter of fact what happened to me was so good that I completely let my guard down and slipped into comforts...until I saw someone that just totally crushed it for me and reminds me of who I really want to be when I was younger. I never thought by having it good, it robs my ambitions as well.
 

ExaltedLife

Silver Contributor
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Nov 10, 2015
332
676
272
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Thank you, really, what kills me is not this direct comparison between me and this person, but really is when I see I achieved some of what this person had done, and knowing that I could do it, but couldn't do it consistently is what kills me. It's like knowing myself that I am leaving money on the table every day of my life and not living to my fullest capabilities. And yes, ain't that the very definition of how a fixed mindset person lives?
Stop it.

From now on, every time you feel the urge to lament about your pains and regrets, make it quick, and then ask yourself "How can I make this better?"
 
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hellolin

hellolin

Bronze Contributor
Speedway Pass
May 27, 2015
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Stop it.

From now on, every time you feel the urge to lament about your pains and regrets, make it quick, and then ask yourself "How can I make this better?"
Thanks, I like how you didn't completely tell me to kill the urge, but to learn to digest it quick and put in forward motion to dismiss it.
 

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ExaltedLife

Silver Contributor
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Nov 10, 2015
332
676
272
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Thanks, I like how you didn't completely tell me to kill the urge, but to learn to digest it quick and put in forward motion to dismiss it.
Repressing emotions makes people go crazy. You can allow your emotions to drive you, you can repress them and function without feeling, or you can let yourself feel them, and then choose your response. The last one is the only healthy way.
 
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hellolin

hellolin

Bronze Contributor
Speedway Pass
May 27, 2015
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275
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Repressing emotions makes people go crazy. You can allow your emotions to drive you, you can repress them and function without feeling, or you can let yourself feel them, and then choose your response. The last one is the only healthy way.
I really, really like how you put it this way, very realistic way of dealing with emotions. I will learn how to feel my negative feelings and use forward action instead of self pity to drive it away.
 

ExaltedLife

Silver Contributor
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Nov 10, 2015
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I really, really like how you put it this way, very realistic way of dealing with emotions. I will learn how to feel my negative feelings and use forward action instead of self pity to drive it away.
It helps if you know what an emotion actually is.

Its an automatic psychosomatic response to a (real or imagined) perception based on a subconscious premise and value judgement. There's essentially four steps to the process, but you only experience the first and the last.

The first is the perception, and the last is the response, or feeling. However, there are two steps in between: identification or evaluation, but they happen lightning fast.

Basically what happens is, say you grow up Catholic like me. When you're a kid, a bunch of assholes called adults tell you that if you're bad, you'll go to hell where you will be eternally tortured by an omnipotent demon named Satan.

Then one day years later somebody says the word "Satan". You hear the word, and you feel a twinge of fear, but you aren't sure why. Subconsciously what happens is, as soon as you feel the word, your subconscious identifies what the word means, based on whatever you've got stored in there - which in this case is 'all powerful evil demon who wants to eat your skin'. The next step that happens immediately afterwards is evaluation, where your subconscious takes what it has just identified and figures out what it means in relation to you, whether its good or bad, safe or dangerous, etc. In this case the evaluation is very bad, very F*cking scary.

So here you are, an adult man who is now an atheist, hearing the word 'satan' and feeling an emotion that makes absolutely no sense all just because of some bullshit you believed when you were a kid.

Obviously, even though you feel it, you aren't actually going to be tortured to death - sometimes your subconscious ideas and beliefs are just wrong, and your reaction to scream and leap into the bushes is entirely inappropriate.

Since the emotion itself can't tell you whether the identification and evaluation is actually true or false, it is, as a general rule, irrational to allow your emotions to guide your actions.

Most people know this implicitly, but if you know it explicitly, it is easier to figure out what's going on inside. The important thing though is whether your ideas are true or false.

You might have an idea deep down that complaining about how bad things are will make them better. Maybe when you were a kid, you complained about something and your parents came and fixed the problem, and then you felt better, and didn't think about it. Maybe your brain accepted the idea without you knowing it. But is it true that complaining is a tried and true method of solving problems? No.

So what you can do is take some time and go: hmm, why do I feel like that? Is that true though? Oh, no it isn't. And so on and so forth.
 

Mark Fobo

Contributor
Feb 19, 2019
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68
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While my current job doesn't gets paid as much as yours, but I can honestly say this has been a dream job for anyone in my shoes. Matter of fact what happened to me was so good that I completely let my guard down and slipped into comforts...until I saw someone that just totally crushed it for me and reminds me of who I really want to be when I was younger. I never thought by having it good, it robs my ambitions as well.
Watch and follow Yes Theory on YouTube. Watch few of their video. They will keep on reminding you that going out of your comfort zone regularly is a habit that will change your life.
 
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hellolin

hellolin

Bronze Contributor
Speedway Pass
May 27, 2015
219
275
173
34
Watch and follow Yes Theory on YouTube. Watch few of their video. They will keep on reminding you that going out of your comfort zone regularly is a habit that will change your life.
None of their video is pre-staged, right?
 

NMdad

Gold Contributor
FASTLANE INSIDER
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Reminds me of something I read recently in a memoir written by a Navy SEAL ("The Heart and the Fist: The Education of a Humanitarian, the Making of a Navy SEAL" by Eric Greitens). He said his lowest emotional point during SEAL Hell Week was when he allowed himself to feel lousy about his own situation; as soon as he adjusted his focus to thinking about how he could help others, he felt better.

Get out of your own head (you're self-sabotaging), read @Andy Black's thread:
https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/threads/who-have-you-helped.84241/
Then find 1 person to help, today.
 

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