Family: Do Blood Ties Matter? Or Is the Family Lottery Irrelevant?

[DoTheWork]

This has been on my mind lately and I bet the same for other people on this forum.

There are two ways to think about family:

1. "They're your family and always will be!"
2. "Your parents and siblings are just random people that you got paired with."

Side #1 argues that even if family has been disrespectful of you, taken advantage of you, or abused you, you should still forgive quickly, spend time with them, and repair the relationship (or just deal with it). Also, this side will think of you as a horrible person if you're on side #2.

Side #2 argues that your family is just a lottery. You randomly get paired with these people. If these people are destructive, there's no reason to keep them in your life.

• Which side do you fall on?
• What has your family experience been?
• Have you cut off family members? If so, how easily/quickly are you willing to do so?
• Have you tried repairing relationships with family members? If so, how hard/long are you willing to work on that?

 

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[DoTheWork]

For me, I've always been on side #1 because that's what has been shoved into my head by my other family members.

However, I believe I'm clearing out the brainwashing and seeing side #2.

A couple examples of things that I've experienced recently:

• A family member moved across the country with me so we could get an apartment together, then left me with an expensive place because he left the state 3 days before the lease started. This was someone who was not a brother, but said they see me as a brother. We spent a ton of time together. He did not help me pay for this apartment, even though he said he would anyway. People tell me that "they're still family, so you can't just ignore them!"
• My extended family guilts me hardcore for not calling them on their birthday or other holidays. Meanwhile, I've been extremely sick for almost three years. Barely able to work. Barely able to walk. No one checks in on me or calls me, not even on my birthday.

My family situation isn't that severe. There's also some stuff with my mother being an alcoholic, but I'll stick with those examples above.

So this is an interesting situation. Do I stop engaging with these games that these people play, even though they aren't too severe?

 

[Kevin88660]

Blood does matter, as only parents have agenda-less love towards their children with no expectation of return generally.

Literally your own parents are the only people who will take a bullet for you literally.

There is a video about a 90 year old man driving his 60 plus year old son to get dialysis treatment daily.

Other than that, the laws governing interpersonal relationship is not that different.

You cannot take relationship for granted and started being a liability than an asset for a long period of time, sooner or later there will be backslash.

Give and take, be helpful but don’t be a sucker, okay to seek help and also need to be self-reliant in the long term. Just very basic social intelligence 101.

@DoTheWork I think that your relatives like you and that’s why they are grumbling why you are not spending time with them. If you have been calling them to borrow money they will be avoiding you like a plague now. It is really a good problem to have. Not something you need to worry about.

Everyone is busy these days with their own work and their own immediately family. That they want to spend their limited time with you actually says a lot.

 

[Johnny boy]

It’s both in a way.

I love my family. I spend time with them.

We talk about stuff going on.

They give the worst advice possible.

I smile and say “haha okay”

And I ignore all of it.

I come back, after ignoring all of it, with adventures, stories and success. Running my business…traveling the world…seeing and doing everything, etc.

And they forgot they ever said it. They’re just normal people, and that’s okay. They hang up my pictures on their fridge and tell their other old friends about things Johnny is doing. Things they told me NOT to do! LMAO.

I love them, they love me. They are cautious and boring. I am not.

A winner takes ultimate ownership.

It’s on me to be stoic enough to listen to bad advice gracefully.

“Don’t go climb Mt rainier”

“Don’t go to Thailand for two months”

“Don’t go to Morocco or India”

“Don’t start a business”

It’s on me to not let other people derail my mind by even an inch.

And it’s on me to keep the peace and let other people have their silly opinions.

It’s your responsibility too.

Are they wrong? Of course.

But…

If you’re going to be a winner, there’s going to be 50,000 times you are totally right, but you must account extra for the sake of others’ ignorance.

So yes, they are your family. They are on your team. And also yes, they’re just some people here on earth that had a kid and it happened to be you. It’s both.

It would be a shame to not love them and gain from that.

That doesn’t mean you have to let these random people control your brain.

A truly internal locus of control will understand that you are in control of your actions regardless of family opinions. This frees you to be open to their love and see even their criticism as a version of that love…and also keep your mind focused and not let your thoughts and actions be swayed.

If they really are messed up and ruin your mind and you can’t stand being around them, go ahead and separate, but usually it’s not all that bad.

 

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[EmperorPear]

Depends. I am on side #1 with my close family members, because we are willing to give 120% for each other. I'm grateful for my parents and my sisters and everything they've provided me. As for the extended family, that's a definite side #2. We barely know each other and the ones I do know aren't my preferred company.

To know which philosophy to apply is to detach yourself from your emotions and analyze your family from a distance as objectively as you can, being neither ungrateful nor acquiescent. That way you will separate the wheat from the chaff. Not only that, but set healthy boundaries for your family members, just as you would for others. While it's good to go above and beyond for your family members, there must be respect in your relationship with them, especially if you're an adult, and especially because it's human nature to test your boundaries. Resent is a natural response to someone walking over you, so once you set some ground rules for your family, you might see them in a different, more positive light.

I haven't cut any of my family members off yet, but I haven't tried to reconnect with the other branches of my family either. Mainly because I have other stuff to do, but also because if I'm starting anew with someone, I might as well start with people I have more in common with than a trickle of blood (and ones that aren't loaded with prejudice). Someone with whom I share an interest or a hobby is much easier to connect to than someone I don't have anything in common with.

Family, to me, is not just the ancestors we share or don't. It's the role they've taken in my formative years and beyond, that shaped me into the person I am today. For that reason, I'm more inclined to call my high-school friends, with whom I've been through thick and thin together, my family than a distant aunt whose presence I've never felt.

 

[DoTheWork]

Depends. I am on side #1 with my close family members, because we are willing to give 120% for each other. I'm grateful for my parents and my sisters and everything they've provided me. As for the extended family, that's a definite side #2. We barely know each other and the ones I do know aren't my preferred company.

I totally agree. I'm definitely on side #1 with my immediate family and it would take a lot to change that. However, I think it's much easier for me to want to move to side #2 with my extended family.

When growing up, our entire extended family met at least weekly, but 10 years ago that stopped happening (because of some decisions my grandmother made to neglect us and favor a guy who was basically homeless, after her husband passed away).

I feel that my extended family is much different now, so I don't feel the loyalty to them as I would to the extended family that I grew up with. Everyone is bitter, judgmental, and unambitious. I'm not sure if it's because I've grown up to realize their true personalities or if they have changed since then (I think they've changed).

 

[Aidan04]

It’s both in a way.

I love my family. I spend time with them.

We talk about stuff going on.

They give the worst advice possible.

I smile and say “haha okay”

And I ignore all of it.

I come back, after ignoring all of it, with adventures, stories and success. Running my business…traveling the world…seeing and doing everything, etc.

And they forgot they ever said it. They’re just normal people, and that’s okay. They hang up my pictures on their fridge and tell their other old friends about things Johnny is doing. Things they told me NOT to do! LMAO.

I love them, they love me. They are cautious and boring. I am not.

A winner takes ultimate ownership.

It’s on me to be stoic enough to listen to bad advice gracefully.

“Don’t go climb Mt rainier”

“Don’t go to Thailand for two months”

“Don’t go to Morocco or India”

“Don’t start a business”

It’s on me to not let other people derail my mind by even an inch.

And it’s on me to keep the peace and let other people have their silly opinions.

It’s your responsibility too.

Are they wrong? Of course.

But…

If you’re going to be a winner, there’s going to be 50,000 times you are totally right, but you must account extra for the sake of others’ ignorance.

So yes, they are your family. They are on your team. And also yes, they’re just some people here on earth that had a kid and it happened to be you. It’s both.

It would be a shame to not love them and gain from that.

That doesn’t mean you have to let these random people control your brain.

A truly internal locus of control will understand that you are in control of your actions regardless of family opinions. This frees you to be open to their love and see even their criticism as a version of that love…and also keep your mind focused and not let your thoughts and actions be swayed.

If they really are messed up and ruin your mind and you can’t stand being around them, go ahead and separate, but usually it’s not all that bad.

I relate to this.

They love you, but they just don't understand you. Their internal programming is different and that's okay. Just don't listen to their awful advice.

 

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[RightyTighty]

A truly internal locus of control will understand that you are in control of your actions regardless of family opinions. This frees you to be open to their love and see even their criticism as a version of that love…and also keep your mind focused and not let your thoughts and actions be swayed.

While your business-related advice has always been gold, this may be the best insight you’ve ever brought to this group. Learning to dump the baggage and establish boundaries leads to the ability to maintain meaningful relationships while being your own person. This can be a hard fought struggle, primarily with yourself.

 

[Johnny boy]

While your business-related advice has always been gold, this may be the best insight you’ve ever brought to this group. Learning to dump the baggage and establish boundaries leads to the ability to maintain meaningful relationships while being your own person. This can be a hard fought struggle, primarily with yourself.

Thank you

 

[ZF Lee]

This has been on my mind lately and I bet the same for other people on this forum.

There are two ways to think about family:

1. "They're your family and always will be!"
2. "Your parents and siblings are just random people that you got paired with."

Side #1 argues that even if family has been disrespectful of you, taken advantage of you, or abused you, you should still forgive quickly, spend time with them, and repair the relationship (or just deal with it). Also, this side will think of you as a horrible person if you're on side #2.

Side #2 argues that your family is just a lottery. You randomly get paired with these people. If these people are destructive, there's no reason to keep them in your life.

• Which side do you fall on?
• What has your family experience been?
• Have you cut off family members? If so, how easily/quickly are you willing to do so?
• Have you tried repairing relationships with family members? If so, how hard/long are you willing to work on that?

I have been thinking on this a lot myself too.

I'll just share what I got from my own life:

Although my dad divorced my mum, he still provided and is in contact with us. Relatively well-off too although I do not consider his factory biz Fastlane (although again, there are ways to rectify the gaps in the Commandments).

Yet he's considered the most successful of his brothers.

But he didn't get there easily. While grandpa was spoiling his siblings and other step bros (yes, that's another story) with fast cars and whatnot, dad had to pay a good chunk of his first salaries to him. God knows how much he had to hustle.

Eventually my dad found a mentor who helped him- and the rest is history.

The rest of my dad's brothers? Well, their lack of discipline and dedication got them leaving a trail of destructive divorces, broken families, rebellious kids, lost jobs and burnt businesses.

And my dad somehow lent a lot to them- either to patch up their mistakes or business ventures. He got paid back some, but I can't say their track record was good. It was one of the sources of argument between my parents, I think.

But a few years back when grandpa was close to his deathbed from throat cancer, he said that of all the sons he had-- my dad was the one whom he never had to worry anything about.

And I realised that the more my dad gave, the better his money systems seemed to turn out. No matter if his brothers appreciated him or not. He would tell me he hit the lottery...or he opened a new biz deal...or he had a good stock tip that turned out well...many times after he gave a lot out. Of course I would be skeptical and ask if its true. For now, dad found his ways.

Is it karma? God seeing good in my dad? Or simply my dad training his value-giving muscles?

Dad told me after grandpa's funeral, 'It doesn't matter if my brothers never helped. For myself, I just act as if I don't have a single brother- and I just give. Just do my part.'

And I think this way of thinking was how he found his mentor in the first place. Or any other deals or networking circles.

So I guess how you do something- is how you will do anything?

For myself, I realised I may have inherited this trait in me too. The desire to give...even though I could (and will) get hurt.

Yet this approach has brought me many mentor figures and even a potential Fastlane opening...which I might write on an INSIDERS thread in near future.

 

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[Choate]

Blood is thicker than water = family over everyone

The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb = friendships forged through trial and adventure are stronger than family

There is no right or wrong here, it's a discussion and debate that's been around for millennia. Everyone's situation is truly unique.

Johnny said it best. On one hand, they are the best resource and perhaps strongest bond you will ever have. Especially early in your life On the other hand, some people will need to establish stronger boundaries while forging their own path. And after a certain time, you have to become dependent on yourself and less reliant on their worldview.

My parents have always been there for me but on the same note have given me incredible freedom to be myself and do what I want to do. They are small business owners. I have a strong desire to help them and be there for them as a result. But like Johnny, I listen to my own thoughts first.

Once you go so far down a certain path, only you can understand things like risk or have a vision and understand how to get there. Entrepreneurial goals and ideas will be poisoned if you share them with your family, your girlfriend, etc. These people have a different world view and are more risk averse and want the status quo. Keep that shit to yourself or a long term friend who you've gone to battle. My best friend is an ER nurse, we went to college together, played water polo together - he doesn't impose limiting beliefs on me when I share ideas, it's all "F*ck yeah" and positive momentum. And although I can speak freely, even then I only share the tip of the iceberg or sometimes get a little bit under the water, but never discuss the whole thing.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

This book is helpful to anyone dealing with seemingly abrasive or unsupportive parents.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

 

[ZackerySprague]

This book is helpful to anyone dealing with seemingly abrasive or unsupportive parents.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

+1

 

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