So. Hai.

[AjiAshirogi]

The library lighting hurts my eyes, and I am exhausted from today's studies/story-ventures. Somewhere in the depths of my subconscious mind, I have decided to post/introduce myself to boost morale during the first 'slump' moment in my venture.
I picked my poison/tree-of-life/battle-plan/whathaveyou about a month ago and have decided to give my best shot at a combination self-publishing, affiliate marketing, and blogging. . . as of now, I am especially focused on the self-publishing, starting with a novel-series with a few illustrations.

I have lurked for quite a bit, taking in motivation and inspiration as sides to much of the reading I do as an English major. It's unfortunate that people judge me for it/see my future as doomed/uncertain. I guess part of what fuels me is that I wish to prove them wrong. I have switched from Computer Science as it did not interest me (main reasons for going into it were due to prestige, the peer pressure of being surrounded by tech-eloquent science people all throughout highschool, the employability of it all, and just the cockiness acquired from being able to coast through 12 years of school with higher-than-average grades). The lack of direction in my life terrified me, and I was a fish trying to climb a tree. After much futile flailing around and spending all of my energy trying to improve (to no avail... it was both humbling and humiliating), I went through my breakdown and found a major that was somewhat useful, interesting, and something I have been competent/willing to work at for as long as I could remember (but wouldn't dare admit back in high school).

And then the second breakdown happened this summer while I thought about job prospects, the horrors of long commutes, 80-hour workweeks, the cost-to-live in my home state, the most expensive state of them all, which I dearly love, etc. Witnessing my mom constantly stressing over her pediatric practice and always tuning into the news along with my dad at his blue-collar job constantly complaining and hearing their expectations of me only made this period of time worse. The future scared me.

But then I read the book. I realized that, while going through the motions like some zombie, I was losing myself. I was on the road to settling for less when I clearly wanted/could do more with myself/my life. I have been turning away from options, wasting time being angry at my environment. And dare I say that the creative, rebellious, younger me would have traveled to that time to slap future me in the face yelling, "WHY! WHY! WHY!"

Maybe an English major isn't exactly required to become a success but... Aside from being in an environment that gives me feedback/exposure to reading/writing, I'm also in college to improve my communications skills (gotta rid myself of the shyness/awkwardness to some degree. It has been working thus far) and time-management. Since I am able to commute/live at home, I don't have to worry about accumulating student debt.

So as of now, I am experiencing two things: a 'double-life' of sorts in which my time is split between this ultimate goal and my college life, and the countdown till graduation - at least in my head - because I don't burden my parents forever. I am a 19 year old filipino-american girl who has been confronted with the existential, 1/5th life crisis in spite of not even being considered twenty-something yet.
Right now, it's sometimes a slow, unforgiving process. Not many people know about it. Whatever. But I'm working on it every day. The story outline yields about 6 novels, and the first one is gaining words/revisions.

So here goes... I probably won't be killing time here too often, though.
~ Marjorie (Mars)

 

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