My first sales letter...whaddya think?

[AvocadoMan]

Gday lads,

I just finished writing my first sales letter for my new landing page and any feedback would be greatly appreciated

Here it is:


Are you an Electrician that is tired of using outdated wall-clips for mounting power points and switches?

Are you over being forced to hold the wall-clip in place as you mount the power point due to broken gyprok or because the wall is too thick?

Are you tired of dropping them inside the wall because of that?


I bet you are!

That's why here at Brenton Innovations I have created a solution that is simple and saves your precious time allowing you to get the job done faster. Imagine if you could easily mount a wall clip on any wall in seconds, regardless of the condition of the gyprok or the thickness of the wall? How much easier would it be to mount power points and switches if you never had to worry about having to hold the Wall Clip yourself, even if the wall is damaged? How much faster would your apprentice get the job done?

Welcome The Adjustable Wall Clip!

The Adjustable Wall Clip is a simple innovation of the standard Wall Clip used in the Electricial Industry to mount power-points and switches in your everyday household. It's reliable and effective design makes it a must in every Sparkie's ute! It's so simple and easy to use, even your apprentice can figure it out! Well, hopefully..

If you are looking to save your precious time and try out the new Wall Clip, enter your details below to be the first to know when the Adjustable Wall Clip hits an Electrical Retailer near you!

 

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[Kung Fu Steve]

Two thoughts:

1. Without knowing where this is going it's pretty tough to give you accurate feedback. Step one is to figure out who your audience really is, Step two is to figure out where they hang out (do they listen to radio? TV? magazines? blogs? facebook?), Step three is then to craft a message based on where you're meeting them.

2. If your product actually does what you say it does, proof trumps everything. With a physical product like this you don't TELL people, you SHOW them. Think infomercials, think tradeshow booth, think stopping people on the street and showing them.

Obviously those 3 are a bit of an exaggeration but a picture is worth a thousand words and a video is worth millions.

Go visual with this one!

 

[MitchC]

This product sounds perfect for a viral Facebook video targeting tradies. You could easily film yourself installing one on your iPhone and then run some tests

There's a hammer product that did something similar recently and seemed to do well. They gave it to people on different job sites and filmed them using it and their reaction

 

[Bigguns50]

2. If your product actually does what you say it does, proof trumps everything. With a physical product like this you don't TELL people, you SHOW them. Think infomercials, think tradeshow booth, think stopping people on the street and showing them.

a picture is worth a thousand words and a video is worth millions.

EXACTLY what I was thinking as I was reading from a consumer's point of view.

 

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[jpanarra]

I'll give my honest opinion, your letter sounds like a written infomercial script rather than something personal. The script might work better for a video upload on facebook or something of that nature so people can see how valueable the product can be for them.

If you still plan on emailing people to draw them to your landing page, I would suggest to shorten your letter and make it much more personalized. Try to build a marketing client profile and see who's your ideal client and try to write 'like' them. I would suggest you look on how sinisterlex reach out to others and writes like them to make yourself more approachable. I grew up around Electricians and contractors and they are usually the blue-collar culture sort, so the letter you have seems fluffy and fun which might not strike a chord with the clients you're gunning. So shorten your letter and be blunt.

 

[AvocadoMan]

Thanks for the great feedback everyone. I'll use it to craft a better approach !!

 

[AvocadoMan]

Two thoughts:

1. Without knowing where this is going it's pretty tough to give you accurate feedback. Step one is to figure out who your audience really is, Step two is to figure out where they hang out (do they listen to radio? TV? magazines? blogs? facebook?), Step three is then to craft a message based on where you're meeting them.

2. If your product actually does what you say it does, proof trumps everything. With a physical product like this you don't TELL people, you SHOW them. Think infomercials, think tradeshow booth, think stopping people on the street and showing them.

Obviously those 3 are a bit of an exaggeration but a picture is worth a thousand words and a video is worth millions.

Go visual with this one!

Everyone is on facebook and there are plenty of facebook pages for Aussie Electricians..That will be my best bet. If I saw a video of someone using this product on facebook, I would be telling the other sparkies I know straight away, whereas if I read that letter I would probably be thinking someone is trying to rip me off. Tradies here don't like bullshit. Being authentic and tough is what they like..

I was not thinking inside my audience before and I don't think a landing page would do much. Plus the theme of that letter is not my personality at all. I will simply put my message across by showing myself using the product.

Thanks mate Legend!

 

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[arfadugus]

Gday lads,

I just finished writing my first sales letter for my new landing page and any feedback would be greatly appreciated

Here it is:


Are you an Electrician that is tired of using outdated wall-clips for mounting power points and switches?

Are you over being forced to hold the wall-clip in place as you mount the power point due to broken gyprok or because the wall is too thick?

Are you tired of dropping them inside the wall because of that?


I bet you are!

That's why here at Brenton Innovations I have created a solution that is simple and saves your precious time allowing you to get the job done faster. Imagine if you could easily mount a wall clip on any wall in seconds, regardless of the condition of the gyprok or the thickness of the wall? How much easier would it be to mount power points and switches if you never had to worry about having to hold the Wall Clip yourself, even if the wall is damaged? How much faster would your apprentice get the job done?

Welcome The Adjustable Wall Clip!

The Adjustable Wall Clip is a simple innovation of the standard Wall Clip used in the Electricial Industry to mount power-points and switches in your everyday household. It's reliable and effective design makes it a must in every Sparkie's ute! It's so simple and easy to use, even your apprentice can figure it out! Well, hopefully..

If you are looking to save your precious time and try out the new Wall Clip, enter your details below to be the first to know when the Adjustable Wall Clip hits an Electrical Retailer near you!

I'm not an expert so take what I say with a grain of salt. I am however, an aspiring copywriter so I can help you based on what I've learned.

First, your headline needs to grab attention. Spend a lot of time on this. If your customer doesn't read the headline, and that headline doesn't make your customer move to the next line, then your ad fails.

Next, your product is new to the market and that means it solves a very particular problem. Can you isolate that problem and make it a bit more simplified than "tired of using outdated wall-clips for mounting power points and switches" Then say how or why your product solves that problem all in the headline? Or state the problem and hint that you have the solution. Make sure your headline makes your target customer stop. make it get his attention.

Also, your sentences are a bit run on. You want your copy to be as easy to read as possible. Use headlines and sub headlines to state your main points. Often people only read the headlines because people are lazy. Anyways, make sure it's so simple that a 3rd grader could read it and understand it. This is how all of your writing toward the public should be. General rule of thumb is to aim for less than 11 words per sentence.

Read the book "Ca$hvertising". This book has a ton of practical tips to help your copy. This is info you can use in everything you write. Even if you do not plan on being a copywriter. It's one of the best investments you can make. Or fork out some cash and have a pro copywriter do it for you if you don't have the time. Copy is what gets your customers to buy. If you don't make it good then you are throwing $$$$ away.

You could say,

Mount a Wall Clip On Any Wall in Seconds!

Mount power points and switches without having to hold the Wall Clip yourself, even if the wall is damaged.
The Adjustable Wall Clip is a simple innovation of the standard Wall Clip. It's reliable and effective design makes it a must in every Sparkie's ute! It's so simple and easy to use, even your apprentice can figure it out! Well, hopefully..

Click here to pre order

Testemonials
''
''
''
''
P.s. Order now and get a second one free!

(insert second call to action)

Of course you'd want more details about how your product benefits your customer. Then you'd want to list your product specifications and prove that your product works. Maybe a demonstration video or pictures. I don't know anything about your product so I couldn't really help much but hopefully it guides you in the right direction.

P.s. Don't feel bad if you don't get it right the first, second, or even third time. Bury your ego and take tips into account. But also don't just listen to what I, or anyone else says to you.

 

[JWelch]

there are plenty of facebook pages for Aussie Electricians.

Is this a product that is only relevant in Australia? If not you need to be thinking globally.

 

[AvocadoMan]

Is this a product that is only relevant in Australia? If not you need to be thinking globally.

I've seen a similar design from what my Engineer in the US showed me. Things are done differently over there however..

I don't think it would only be relevant in Australia.

 

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