I get woke

[WokeTortoise]

Hello people of the spread. I made a decision two days ago that I think is the first courageous thing I have done in about 6 years.

NOTE: This is already TL,DR. Feel free to skip to the end of my life story.

For over six years I have attempted to earn a degree, of any kind. Saying "attempted" is such a lie; I have meandered and wasted time. I had squandered my life hanging around the wrong people, smoking too much and other incriminating things, starting things and never actually completing them. I made the choice to go to a community college that offered a guaranteed transfer agreement to some exceptional colleges, but I did not deliver lost the chance.

Some time beyond my second year I had a personal crises that at first gave me the "mindset" and "courage" to attempt to live the way I wanted to, because I had essentially "freed myself." I traveled the coast for about a week, spending all my money, simply wandering into anything that looked interesting. I was manic. I eventually made the decision to go back home, after borrowing a phone and making the call to a friend, who immediately drove out to where I was, picked me up and drove me home. I believe that call saved my life.

The next day, I was taken to the hospital, to get a physical and lab tests. I checked out, nothing was wrong with me or in me. I went back to school, but I had changed. I must say that before this, I had a bright, adventurous personality. I would travel places, whether on my bicycle or on the train. My sense of humor was (is?) weird, and I simply had fun. I was also nice to people.

At this point, I am disgusting. I had no filter, I would do thing like check my watch every other minute, say dumb contrarian things in response to questions or people's statements. One time I took a section of a tree trunk that I had asked from a man who was sawing down a tree, and proceeded to debark it during a class session. I was crass and exceptionally confident in myself.

Somewhere during this time, I was in the hospital for 3 days due to 5150. I almost left this part out, but I feel comfortable sharing this now that it no longer hold me back, nor does it embarrass me, and it hasn't for a while now.

I began going to regular sessions with a psychiatrist, experimenting with medication that would calm me down. I discovered I have bipolar disorder. This revelation and some serious retrospection at the actions that lead me to my my current situation plummeted me into a 2 year depression. I went to college, but spent most of my time in my room, just sleeping. Eventually I even stopped going to school.

Eventually my grandmother gave me an amazing gift. She bought me a laptop, since I had destroyed mine in the mania. I was grateful, but still sick. After a long time, I finally managed to rise out of my depression by marathoning Family Guy and American Dad, and then every stand comedy act on Netflix and Youtube. To this day, I don't know of a better panacea for depression, except for a waffle maker.

So, I went back to community college, did well, and finally transferred to a state university. I was healthy and doing well, but my bad history cascaded into unfortunate mitigations that completely disillusioned me from ever finding, or even wanting success, through an academic system. I applied as a forensic science major, but having never completed a chemistry course, I was accepted as Undeclared. I switched my attention to Computer Engineering, as I had a taken a couple classes in the C programming language, and have now in me a love for computers and understanding, which somehow never existed before. My highest math transferring in was a first course in calculus, which was not compatible with the university system, so I had to retake it. Also, I had never taken a physics class, so I really did not meet the prerequisites. I took a few classes in the major, but I was never able to convince my counselor to accept me into the major. After two semesters, I settled on majoring in Linguistics, which I always had an interest in, but was never my first choice for pursuing a degree in.

TFL,WNR:

The courageous decision I made was to quit college and begin living my life as an adult, and not as an arrested man child who cannot make an important decision without consulting his mother, or lying to her about it after the fact. (true story, please judge)

I had struggled to make this decision before, and had even made my mind up the Summer before, but after a stern lecture after the hint of defection, I caved in and added class.

Two days ago, I let told her, and finally, my worst fears came to a head. She said she recognized my frustration, and understood my need to make this decision. I am an adult, I can choose to live my life any way I wish. The only thing she asks is that I get a job, or in some way make an income. I need to learn to support myself. In University, I had the excuse of classes and studying taking up my time, yet I was never protected from the randomness in life, and I was not self-sufficient. She always says, "If I die, how will you take care of yourself." I finally get to answer this question, sans her death, natch.

I know, this is not a triumphant, motivating introduction. I do have a thought that came up while writing this, and I hope I have the intelligence to convey it clearly: Never expect to bounce back from rock bottom. Never expect rock bottom to become your path to success.

People always wait for some major even in their lives to finally begin taking responsibility. Yes, sometimes a death will wake people out of their fugue-like state, and they proceed to begin living a more thoughtful life, helping others, and finding success. Losing a child, losing all your money, sometimes these are real catalysts that get people moving.

Yet, more often I believe, it is my story, but without this ending(beginning). I lived the worst, and returned to normal, and stayed normal. I got back on track, but the track was leading me nowhere, slowly.

These crises are ritualized and abstracted from abject horror all the time, and the effect seems to be the same. New Years resolutions, birthdays, Christmas, the start of a new job or school year. It seems so easy to wait until the ceremony happens to change our lives.

You change your life every moment of every day. Every decision shapes your future. I am finally learning to shape the future, the life, I actually want.

 

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