First try at copywriting, helping a friend. Feedback wanted!

[Metabaron]

Hello everyone, trying to teach myself copy by helping friends and family with for sale ads on craigslist and ebay. Figured the best way is just to dive in and go! This is my first try, honest and constructive feedback wanted Coworker is selling his car, told him I would rewrite his ad since he has had no hits on it. Here is his ad:

Title: 2011 Honda CRZ
Honda mechanic looking to sell my 2011 Honda CRZ. Original owner and very well cared for. Every maintenance has been performed at all intervals in accordance to Honda recommendation. No aftermarket anything 100% Honda genuine parts for every service from brakes to fluids.

Here is mine, took about 20ish minutes.
Title - Pristine 2011 Honda CRZ Sport Coupe 6 Speed Manuel
Looking for a fun sports car with that famous Honda reliability for your summer ride? Come take a ride in style in this immaculate CRZ, don’t let it pass you by while you pass gas stations enjoying the incredible 39pmg average fuel economy! Feel the crisp shifting action of the 6-speed gearbox containing the power of 122 horses producing 128 lb-ft of torque! Zero to sixty in 8.3 seconds; don’t worry about those extra hydrocarbons your producing, since the CRZ is rated as an Advanced Technology Partial Zero Emissions Vehicle (AT-PZEV for short).
One owner, (Honda trained technician) with every maintenance lovingly performed at all intervals in accordance to Honda recommendation since new. No aftermarket anything, 100% Honda genuine parts for every service for your peace of mind. Henry Ford said you could have a car in any color as long as it’s black, and boy does this car deliver on that promise! Black on black minty fresh interior, non-smoker for that almost new car smell. The two lush sport seats will keep you firmly in place while you put the car through its paces, or provide support for those long road trips. Come take your test drive today, don’t let this future classic slip away!


Thanks in advance everyone,
Eric.

 

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[airforsu]

Haha, your writing style reminds me of this ad:

 

[Metabaron]

Is that a good thing for copy writing? Wanting to improve my skills. If anyone has something they would like me to copywrite I'd be happy do so for free feedback.

 

[Growth & Learn]

Not bad at all.

1. I'd like to see more of a benefit driven headline though.
2. Also, make sure you clearly understand what the normal objections are from a prospective buyer and address as many of those as possible in your copy.
3. Space out your text more so it's easier to read. Consider using subheadlines as well if it's visually appealing.
4. You should try to get your prospective buyers attention a lot more quickly in the first sentence or 2. For example, is your buyer specifically looking for immaculate? Is that the #1 thing they're looking for? If not, put that lower.
5. For the love of all things sales oriented. Please use a spell check!

Good start!

 

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[Growth & Learn]

One more thing…I'm not exactly your target market but my biggest fear in buying a used car is that it would break down. I can't be alone. So, maybe this part "One owner, (Honda trained technician) with every maintenance lovingly performed at all intervals in accordance to Honda recommendation since new."…should be higher?

 

[Metabaron]

Not bad at all.

1. I'd like to see more of a benefit driven headline though.
2. Also, make sure you clearly understand what the normal objections are from a prospective buyer and address as many of those as possible in your copy.
3. Space out your text more so it's easier to read. Consider using subheadlines as well if it's visually appealing.
4. You should try to get your prospective buyers attention a lot more quickly in the first sentence or 2. For example, is your buyer specifically looking for immaculate? Is that the #1 thing they're looking for? If not, put that lower.
5. For the love of all things sales oriented. Please use a spell check!

Good start!

To address your points:
1. I wrote this for a craigslist ad, was focusing on search terms more than benefits. Any ideas for a better title?

2. Good point, should put in something like "service done recently, new tires, etc.

3 & 5. This was me being lazy and it being late. No excuse lol.

4. To me yes, buying a car you should be looking for best example possible.

Thanks again for the feedback!

 

[Threenuc]

Shouldn't your title say "manual" instead of "manuel"? Unless your friend's name is Manuel, of course.

I'd start out with something like "A new car loses nearly 10% of it's value the moment you drive it off the dealership lot. That's exactly why buying used cars is such a great way to get a bargain! However...
how can you be sure that the previous owner treated a used car well? Will you have to spend a fortune on repairs?" and then go with how it's driven by a Honda mechanic and so on.

By the way, the example I gave seems really salesy for craigslist to me. I mean, that's probably a comfort zone issue, but do you guys feel the same way with copy on cragislist? Most listings are just "[car name]: [car feature 1], [car feature 2]. telephone nr: [xxx-xxx-xxx]" so copy kind of stands out.

 

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[Metabaron]

By the way, the example I gave seems really salesy for craigslist to me. I mean, that's probably a comfort zone issue, but do you guys feel the same way with copy on cragislist? Most listings are just "[car name]: [car feature 1], [car feature 2]. telephone nr: [xxx-xxx-xxx]" so copy kind of stands out.

Standing out is the point of copy right? Would you prefer to be noticed or just be another listing in a list?

 

[Jessica]

I think your copy is good. But, I think you should give more benefits than "hype". I mean your telling me to buy this car but, your not really telling me why I need it in my life. You're not appealing to my emotions. Who are you aiming this car to? What are you offering me besides the car? Financing or pay it at once?

I did like "No aftermarket anything, 100% Honda genuine parts for every service for your peace of mind."

But, I would use more detail in the start, to get the person in to looking at the ad.

This is what I learnt from Gary Halbert:

1. Find and list all the fact about the product or services
2. Turn each fact into Benefits
3. Come up with an Offer and sweeten it

http://www.thegaryhalbertletter.com/newsletters/zgkl_best_copywriter.htm

Keep up the good work!