Fear of Failure: Why the Dating Analogy Doesn’t Work

[Esquire]

Whenever a discussion arises here about the “Fear of Failure” … and how this fear is such a terrible thing … invariably … someone offers up the analogy of asking girls out on a date.

One guy tries and fails … again … and again … and again … until finally … he succeeds … and lands a date.

Guy number two (in the meantime) … leans up against a wall … afraid to ask anyone out on a date … and as a result … goes home by himself.

The moral of the story …?

You can’t win if you don’t try … which is true.

Followed by … don’t let a fear of failure hold you back.

And that’s where I have a problem with the analogy.

You see … in the common example above … what did the first guy lose … each time he failed …?

Nothing.

Sure … maybe his ego was a little bruised … or perhaps … he experienced a moment of fleeting disappointment … but the reality is … he lost nothing of any real consequence.

So he takes one "free shot" and the apple … again and again … until he succeeds.

Big deal.

But the real world doesn’t work that way … not in most situations, at least.

Let me ask you a question.

Why don’t you rob a bank …?

Robbing a bank is Fastlane …right …?

There’s a lot of money in that vault … right …?

I’ll tell you what holds you back … the Fear of Failure.

The fear of what happens … if you try … and fail.

Because we all know what happens if you try to rob a bank and fail … right …?

Or if you borrow money from the mafia … and show up one year later empty handed ...?

Or invest your life savings … or blow a substantial inheritance … on some whacky idea you “just knew” was going to be a winner.

You suffer consequences.

Serious consequences.

The Fear of Failure … is a biological survival mechanism.

It’s the reason you don’t wrestle with a wild Grizzly Bear ... trying to snatch the fish out of its mouth.

Because people who try to do that … don’t live long enough to reproduce.

Darwin does a good job of weeding those nut bags out.

For every David Crockett ... there are 99 ... dead ... Crazy Eyed Joes.

A healthy fear of failure … is just that.

I think the better take away from the dating analogy … is not that we should "disregard" our fears of failure … and throw caution in the wind ... but rather … we should be mindful not to allow our natural fear of failure to deter us from taking "well calculated" risks.

If the upside is high … and the downside is low … go for it.

Ask as many girls out on a date as you please.

Nothing ventured. Nothing gained.

But if the downside is high … like robbing a bank … or investing your life savings in some untested idea ... you’d better seriously think twice.

Granted … these are two extreme examples.

Most entrepreneurial ventures fall somewhere in between.

So when people declare … throw your Fear of Failure into the wind … and go for it … without any reference to what “it” is … I have to roll my eyes a bit.

A healthy fear of failure is good.

An inability to distinguish good risks from bad … is what’s not.

 

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[juggler619]

@Esquire i feel you , "A healthy fear of failure is good" ..

 

[Dami-B]

You mean like the fear of MARRYING the wrong "significant other"

 

[SteveO]

Great points @Esquire

There are plenty of people that start businesses with little actual money invested but a lot of time. So the analogy will apply to many people. The small amount of money lost is nothing compared to the learning that is POSSIBLE through the process.

Of course, as the money loss potential goes up, the comparison fades away.

There are many people that say they want to do something but just don't take the steps. The dating analogy is simply to help encourage.

Personally, I don't know why we need to encourage anyone anyway. They will, or will not is the way I see it.

 

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[Hackdroot]

Let me ask you a question.

Why don’t you rob a bank …?

Robbing a bank is Fastlane …right …?

Sounds more like an event.

 

[Hackdroot]

Regarding your point, I can relate. I'm am the breadwinner and have a full time job. Looking for opportunity in my off hours, I have to balance the risk with my money and time. I can't just start something that compromises my job/benefits. My family relies on that right now. So I'm focusing on gaining experience with skills that will help me should I decide to take a leap of faith. If I can't make residual income, albeit modest, in my spare time, how can I expect to do it full time. So that's my challenge, which I'm failing at unfortunately at the moment. My issue is a lack of direction and certainly not ability. Decades of being an employee has taken it's toll, but I'm undoing the damage one day at a time.

But I'm smart enough to know that I can't 'just do it'. Not with others relying on me right now. I have to adjust the advice here for my particular situation.

 

[damondietz]

Great points @Esquire

There are plenty of people that start businesses with little actual money invested but a lot of time. So the analogy will apply to many people. The small amount of money lost is nothing compared to the learning that is POSSIBLE through the process.

Of course, as the money loss potential goes up, the comparison fades away.

@SteveO is on the right track with this. It takes MANY things to get started (notice I said get started) that require just an effort. Just like the effort of asking a girl out.

Why do you fail? I don't have time. I don't have money. I don't have support. I don't have skills. Tony Robbins said it best... these reasons you failed are all resources (ie. time, money, skills, relationships). So, the reason you failed is a lack of resourcefulness. You can learn new skills free. You can meet new people/build relationships for free. You can find time if you think you don't have it. You can find money if you don't have it. You can do all these things if you are resourceful. IF, AND ONLY IF... you do it. You stop being afraid to fail and do it. You have to ask that girl out and suffer the blow to your ego when you run into 10,20,50 rejections. It's the same with building your business/pursuing your dreams.

There will be a point when you've learned the skills, established great relationships, found the time, made some money, and it's time to take that BIG next step, that BIG risk. That's when it becomes more calculated... but most people never even start.

That's how I see it anyway.

 

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[daivey]

I don't know what your rant is about because you are simply stating the obvious.

Whenever a discussion arises here about the “Fear of Failure” … and how this fear is such a terrible thing … invariably … someone offers up the analogy of asking girls out on a date.

One guy tries and fails … again … and again … and again … until finally … he succeeds … and lands a date.

Guy number two (in the meantime) … leans up against a wall … afraid to ask anyone out on a date … and as a result … goes home by himself.

The moral of the story …?

You can’t win if you don’t try … which is true.

Followed by … don’t let a fear of failure hold you back.

And that’s where I have a problem with the analogy.

You see … in the common example above … what did the first guy lose … each time he failed …?

Nothing.

Sure … maybe his ego was a little bruised … or perhaps … he experienced a moment of fleeting disappointment … but the reality is … he lost nothing of any real consequence.

So he takes one "free shot" and the apple … again and again … until he succeeds.

Big deal.

But the real world doesn’t work that way … not in most situations, at least.

Let me ask you a question.

Why don’t you rob a bank …?

Robbing a bank is Fastlane …right …?

There’s a lot of money in that vault … right …?

I’ll tell you what holds you back … the Fear of Failure.

The fear of what happens … if you try … and fail.

Because we all know what happens if you try to rob a bank and fail … right …?

Or if you borrow money from the mafia … and show up one year later empty handed ...?

Or invest your life savings … or blow a substantial inheritance … on some whacky idea you “just knew” was going to be a winner.

You suffer consequences.

Serious consequences.

The Fear of Failure … is a biological survival mechanism.

It’s the reason you don’t wrestle with a wild Grizzly Bear ... trying to snatch the fish out of its mouth.

Because people who try to do that … don’t live long enough to reproduce.

Darwin does a good job of weeding those nut bags out.

For every David Crockett ... there are 99 ... dead ... Crazy Eyed Joes.

A healthy fear of failure … is just that.

I think the better take away from the dating analogy … is not that we should "disregard" our fears of failure … and throw caution in the wind ... but rather … we should be mindful not to allow our natural fear of failure to deter us from taking "well calculated" risks.

If the upside is high … and the downside is low … go for it.

Ask as many girls out on a date as you please.

Nothing ventured. Nothing gained.

But if the downside is high … like robbing a bank … or investing your life savings in some untested idea ... you’d better seriously think twice.

Granted … these are two extreme examples.

Most entrepreneurial ventures fall somewhere in between.

So when people declare … throw your Fear of Failure into the wind … and go for it … without any reference to what “it” is … I have to roll my eyes a bit.

A healthy fear of failure is good.

An inability to distinguish good risks from bad … is what’s not.

 

[Ninjakid]

Everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes that reason is you made a stupid a$$ choice.