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Tomas J

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Hi there,

I would like to share my current relationship situation with you, I am not asking for advice, but I would be grateful for any honest opinion. I will try to be as brief as possible.

Brief Description
My relationship started about three years ago. Right now I live in an apartment with my girlfriend and my best friend. A few months ago, my girlfriend started to complain about the situation - she thinks that I don't give her enough attention and that we don't spend enough time together (alone-without my best friend). I don't agree with her, I spend the time with my friend mainly because he is oriented in the same way I am, he is also pursuing his "entrepreneurial dream" and I think I give her "enough" time and attention. She would like to live with me alone, but I don't feel prepared for this plus I am afraid that my entrepreneurial pursuit would suffer a lot (girlfriend is not oriented that way vs. my best friend definitely is).

I've barely started to work on my entrepreneurial dream and here I am trying to deal with these kinds of problems, I know that my working discipline, etc. suffer. It is kinda obvious, that if the situation would not change, I won't be able to change myself to the extent needed in order to "build great things".

The problem
I've done a lot of thinking and come up with one essential question which is really hard to answer: to which extent it is worth fighting (trying to find compromises, changing myself, etc.) for the relationship and when it is better to devote energy to finding a new partner, perhaps a more "suitable" one?

There are two extreme approaches:
1) I won't change, I will find someone who fits me.
2) It is worth fighting no matter the differences.

I'm not used to giving up things so I try to find a way how to save the relationship, but where is the boundary? You know she is not doing anything wrong (like being unfaithful or so, or at least I don't know about it :D), so no f*ck this event is in sight but staying in the relationship under these conditions is inadmissible for both of us - no one is happy.

What do you think? I would be happy to discuss it further.
 

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mrarcher

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It really depends on a lot of variables. How is everything else in the relationship ignoring the entrepreneurial stuff. She's obviously looking to feel more loved than you are currently making her feel. Never underestimate the power of a good woman and what she can do for you. Especially in the bad times, she may well be the only thing keeping you strong. You have to look at the big big picture and see how you feel.
I know that it I was given the choice between one billion dollars and a good loving relationship, she would win every time. As useful and good as money is, it ain't gonna push you to keep going, it wont hold your hand and comfort you at your parents funeral and it definitely wont complete you in the way the right woman (or man if you're that way inclined) can.
 

NMdad

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You & she don't have to be aligned on all your values, but it certainly helps to be aligned on the values that are most important to both of you.

If you're both young, you may still have some maturing to do; her need for more attention might be part of that. It might also be a temporary slump where you've not been paying her much attention lately, and so you need to take ownership of that.
 

The Abundant Man

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View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsWlktW0kj4


Neil: I'm gonna keep pursuing what I'm pursuing. Because of that it's going to take up more of my time. I'm not going to be abel to spend as much time with you. Even when I do spend time with you I'm going to be thinking about drumming. Jazz music, my charts, all that. Then you're going to start to resent me. You're going to tell me to ease up on the dreaming. To spend more time with you because you're not feeling important. I'm not going to be able to do that. Really I'm just gonna start to resent you for even asking me to stop drumming. We're just going to start to hate each other and it's going to get very ugly. So for those reasons I'd rather just break it off clean. Because I wanna be great.

Mesllisa: And you're not?

Neil: I wanna be one of the greats.

Melisa: And I would stop you from doing that?

Neil: Yeah.

Melisa: You know I would stop you from doing that? You know that for a fact?

Neil: Yes.

Melisa: And I barely see you anyway

Neil: Yeah.

Melisa: When I did see you you treat me like shit because I'm just some dumb girl who doesn't know what she wants and you have a path and you're going to be great and I'm going to be forgotten and therefore you won't be able to give em the time of day because you have bigger things to pursue.

Neil: That's exactly my point.

Melisa: What the f**k is wrong with you?! You're right we should not be dating.
 

MJ DeMarco

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How old are you?

Are we talking about girls? Or women?

Because they're different.
 

Kid

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Looking down the hall, you also have to ask yourself if she will support you if your fastlane will require prolonged hours of being without her.

Hard decision but if she complains now then she'll feel even worse if your biz will get good chunk of your time.

The last thing you want is to have relationship problems and business problems at the same time.
 

ZF Lee

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How old are you?

Are we talking about girls? Or women?

Because they're different.
Different?

I might know a few points about this, but could you explain how so in more details?
What to spot for in either of them?
 

The-J

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"Girls" generalization like this is poisonous. Like MJ said: you've got girls who are immature and insecure, and you've got women who don't let their insecurities poison their decision making.

But I can understand her wanting to live with you and only you. It can be weird living in a house with another guy (presumably single). That's likely what the issue is really about.

I don't, however, expect that to solve the problem. You don't want to move out because your best friend seems to be helping you in some way, and you also don't want to leave him high and dry in an apartment he might not be able to afford by himself. And if your girlfriend expects you to spend less time with him because you no longer live together, then she'll likely be disappointed.

I think that the 'not enough attention' thing is a minor issue that is relatively easy to solve (hang out with her more, create better memories together, and be more efficient with your work time) but your bigger issue is whether you want to actually spend your life with her.

There's nothing wrong with dating someone who isn't Fastlane oriented. I do. But my girlfriend has her own career, one that she's very proud of and puts her heart and soul into. I get my alone time, my work time, and it's not an issue.

You need to decide whether you want to stay with her another year, because that's what moving out is going to require. Answer that question, and the rest becomes easier.

Either yes: you do want to stay with her and you do see a life with her, then you (1) optimize your time a bit, (2) take accountability seriously (maybe require that your best friend get on the phone with you for an hour a week to make sure you're accomplishing your goals), (3) help your best friend find a new place or new roommates, and (4) prepare to move.

Or no, you don't want to stay with her, you (1) break up with her and give her an easy way to leave (this means covering her portion of the rent for some time), and (2) prepare to find another roommate for the two of you (maybe a third Fastlane oriented guy).
 

Valhalla

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Well, there's nothing in here like "I love her but.." "She's amazing, however..." It seriously doesn't even sound like you like her, and like MJ brought up, to me this sounds like a girl, not a woman. I think you know what you need to do.
 

100k

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Dump your girl, and become butt buddies with your best buddy. Problem solved.

#landfill
 

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Einfamilienhaus

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Maybe she doesn't understand why you are doing it.

I mean. Of course she sees your day hustle. But for her it just looks like more work. Nothing else.

I had in some way the same situation. My girl couldn't understand why I was sitting till the next morning after my normal work and working on my "stuff". She also had the feeling I wouldn't be interested in her anymore (?).

I did the best thing and explained her why I was doing it.

She understood.

Now she is working less and enjoying more her life. Maybe the next step will be for her to start her own business. Maybe. But I'm not forcing her and I don't have to convince her.

You have to keep the balance between yourself, your business and the people who love and take care about you.
 

Runum

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Back in my racing days I asked a hot shot sitting on his Camaro if he would like to runum. His reply was no, he had an old lady and that is why his car was a dog. My wife was sitting in the front seat of my car. I unloaded on the guy. If your car sucks, don't blame it on your wife. My wife is sitting right there and my car runs just fine.

When I see a post blaming others about things and life, I usually reply that the problem is not with others. The problem is with the person in the mirror. Your choices and actions have consequences. Your choice of girl friend, living arrangements, and friendships are all on you. If you don't like the arrangements then you have to do something about it.

The fastlane is about personal empowerment. Grow up and don't blame your problems on other people. Take responsibility and make grown up decisions.

I wish you well in whatever path you take.
 

G-Man

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How old are you?

Are we talking about girls? Or women?

Because they're different.
Young enough that we complain to others online about our girlfriend not letting us get enough bro time,...
 
OP
OP
T

Tomas J

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Young enough that we complain to others online about our girlfriend not letting us get enough bro time,...
You don't get the point.. I'm not complaining about anything and its definitely not about bro time
 
OP
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Tomas J

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Back in my racing days I asked a hot shot sitting on his Camaro if he would like to runum. His reply was no, he had an old lady and that is why his car was a dog. My wife was sitting in the front seat of my car. I unloaded on the guy. If your car sucks, don't blame it on your wife. My wife is sitting right there and my car runs just fine.

When I see a post blaming others about things and life, I usually reply that the problem is not with others. The problem is with the person in the mirror. Your choices and actions have consequences. Your choice of girl friend, living arrangements, and friendships are all on you. If you don't like the arrangements then you have to do something about it.

The fastlane is about personal empowerment. Grow up and don't blame your problems on other people. Take responsibility and make grown up decisions.

I wish you well in whatever path you take.
Of course that it's on me, I don't want to blame anyone. The question is somewhat philosophical..

- I can choose to look for someone who better "fits" my mentality, that would be 100% my decision
- I can choose to fight for the relationship "whatever" is going on, that would also be 100% my decision (that's what I am doing right now)

I also agree with you, that every one of my actions has consequences and yes, it is possible that I am the one who is mostly responsible for the "problems" that we have but that's not changing anything about the above-mentioned. I don't want to get rid of the responsibility, I'm just thinking about the possibilities...
 

jackwilder94

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It’s obvious bro, from your post all i read is you need to break up, and you know what to do. She definitely won’t help you succeed and will most likely frustrate you down the road even more than now. She is most likely a little girl who wants attention for herself and doesn’t understand you enough, also seems immature. She will only drag you down, doesn’t sound to me like a woman who will motivate you. You’re way better off without her now and can definitely get a better GF.
 

Jeff Noel

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You're thinking too much.

You have control over one thing in your relationship: yourself.
If something's wrong, you can only change your own behavior, whether it's your fault of not.
You cannot force the other person to change (it's also morally wrong).

We won't give you an answer to a generic "What do I do if we're not 100% compatible?" couple question. Only you can answer that, and your choice might be a unique situation that won't ever happen again to someone else.

Relationships all have similarities, but are all unique.

Do what you want and take ownership over your choices.
 

Xeon

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It's so awesome to have a friend who's also pursuing his entrepreneurial dreams. I kinda know that feel.....it energizes you and you feel like you've a companion in this lonely journey.

Have a good talk with your girlfriend, and if all else fails.....

"Bros Before Gurls"


There's an entire Amazon forest waiting for you once you succeed, why stake everything on a single tree in your nearby park?
 

Guest921Y

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It's so awesome to have a friend who's also pursuing his entrepreneurial dreams. I kinda know that feel.....it energizes you and you feel like you've a companion in this lonely journey.
I agree... it's so important. When I got divorced, I did lose that, because my husband was very supportive and encouraging. I think people on this forum may have helped rekindle those Fastlane hopes and dreams.
 

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There are several different ways to look at this, but when I read your post, I heard your priorities are not aligned with hers.

If it is just attention and that is all it is, pick 1-3 hours a week and take her out. Just the two of you. No cellphones, no friends. Really focus on her. That may keep her happy.

I get the feeling that it is more than the attention though.
 

The Abundant Man

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Sounds like a break up is about to happen.

3 options:
1. Spend more time with her
2. Break up with her
3. Don't do anything until she breaks up with you or is cheating on you or just continues to nag/complain then you'll wallow in self pity like this guy
 

The Abundant Man

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There are several different ways to look at this, but when I read your post, I heard your priorities are not aligned with hers.

If it is just attention and that is all it is, pick 1-3 hours a week and take her out. Just the two of you. No cellphones, no friends. Really focus on her. That may keep her happy.

I get the feeling that it is more than the attention though.
Isn't there a book on this?
 

Samix

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If it is just attention and that is all it is, pick 1-3 hours a week and take her out. Just the two of you. No cellphones, no friends. Really focus on her. That may keep her happy.
I had similar problems as the OP until I started scheduling. At first I was just constantly absorbed in my endeavors and I was ignoring my wife (even though I didn't see it this way at the time). If you really love this woman, make time for her to be your one thing. Put it on the calendar. Let her know that she gets your undivided attention at a predictable time that she can see coming. She wants to know that she matters.
 

Mattie

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Hi there,

I would like to share my current relationship situation with you, I am not asking for advice, but I would be grateful for any honest opinion. I will try to be as brief as possible.

Brief Description
My relationship started about three years ago. Right now I live in an apartment with my girlfriend and my best friend. A few months ago, my girlfriend started to complain about the situation - she thinks that I don't give her enough attention and that we don't spend enough time together (alone-without my best friend). I don't agree with her, I spend the time with my friend mainly because he is oriented in the same way I am, he is also pursuing his "entrepreneurial dream" and I think I give her "enough" time and attention. She would like to live with me alone, but I don't feel prepared for this plus I am afraid that my entrepreneurial pursuit would suffer a lot (girlfriend is not oriented that way vs. my best friend definitely is).

I've barely started to work on my entrepreneurial dream and here I am trying to deal with these kinds of problems, I know that my working discipline, etc. suffer. It is kinda obvious, that if the situation would not change, I won't be able to change myself to the extent needed in order to "build great things".

The problem
I've done a lot of thinking and come up with one essential question which is really hard to answer: to which extent it is worth fighting (trying to find compromises, changing myself, etc.) for the relationship and when it is better to devote energy to finding a new partner, perhaps a more "suitable" one?

There are two extreme approaches:
1) I won't change, I will find someone who fits me.
2) It is worth fighting no matter the differences.

I'm not used to giving up things so I try to find a way how to save the relationship, but where is the boundary? You know she is not doing anything wrong (like being unfaithful or so, or at least I don't know about it :D), so no F*ck this event is in sight but staying in the relationship under these conditions is inadmissible for both of us - no one is happy.

What do you think? I would be happy to discuss it further.
I believe what most of us find out in the business & career life, is what most feminine and masculine argue about in relationships is "Attention", and "Finances". There is no way to have a relationship with anyone and paying attention to them 100% of the time.

I believe this comes with maturity, understanding for any relationship to work out you have to be able to be self-reliant, independent, secure about your own identity, not fear relationships, and be able to trust one another while the other is working.

If one is seeking attention 100% of the time, insecure, and isn't in alignment with your career goals, it usually becomes a hindrance in your success.

The masculine and feminine both have to learn to stay out each others way of reaching their full potential. Usually what happens is one of them sabotages themselves and sabotages the other at the same time in the process. There can be competition. There can be conditioning. There can be false belief systems, theories, and concepts in the way.

This is one of the major issues in relationships. It tends to be the feminine at times feeling that they're emotional needs aren't being met, but the masculine is more oriented in creating the material world and finances naturally. The feminine can do the same but usually they aren't as emotionally detached to see the masculine is providing shelter, food, clothing, jewels, gifts, land, property, but is seeking perfectionism in relationships. They are seeking an emotional, spiritual, and mental connection. Part of this is the feminine understanding their not being rejected or abandoned because the masculine is spending time creating a business or long-term way of providing for her needs.

Moving in with her does cause issues with your Entrepreneur goals. And really it's about setting your personal boundaries. Some women are attention whores and need someone to pay attention to them 24/7 a day or feel they're not worthy. This is more about the feminine understanding they don't need the masculine's attention 24/7 to feed their ego. Part of the feminine standing in her own power is allowing the masculine to be their authentic self which is what you're doing. She needs some other activities, projects of her own, friends, or children to occupy her time. When she's idle doing nothing, day dreaming about the fantasy of romance, this isn't real life. And every feminine learns this sooner or later, that real life isn't like in the movies or romance novels. And the feminine doesn't need to be rescued by prince charming like in Walt Disney Movies.

Not to say there's anything wrong with romance once in awhile, but in the "Real World" most relationships are not based on "Romantic Love", but "Unconditional Love" which is accepting life isn't a fantasy fiction game, or fairy tale. It has it's ups and downs, adversity, obstacles, and getting away of career goals just prohibits both of you from having a strong foundation to begin with and building a more stable life for the future.
 

ideasunlimited1

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How old are you?

Are we talking about girls? Or women?

Because they're different.
So MJ, when are we going to collaborate on your upcoming work, Give them the "D"eMarco: A Guide to Love and Dating? Because I smell a best seller. Also, currently copyrighting the title.

As far as advice goes, any real relationship takes work. Fastlane or not. The ones that can make the journey have a lot of trust and support in them. If she can't trust in your love or feel that you will look out for her in the hard times, and you can't be willing to support her in her dreams, it won't work out regardless of your plans.
 

Mattie

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So MJ, when are we going to collaborate on your upcoming work, Give them the "D"eMarco: A Guide to Love and Dating? Because I smell a best seller. Also, currently copyrighting the title.
This would be interesting.
 

Mattie

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Isn't there a book on this?
This one is quite old. I've read many since 1989. That being said, there is many wonderful books that give you a lot of the author's experience in relationships, which never quite match your own story.

There's the Christian Version of Relationships.
There is the Hippie Spiritual Version of Relationships.
There is the Psychological Expert Version of Relationships.
There is the Seduction, Manipulation, Mind Game Version of Relationships.
There is the Eastern Psychology Version of Relationships.
There is the New Modern Millennial Version of Relationships.
There is the Fastlane Version of Relationships.
There is the Slowlane Version of Relationships.
There is the Sidewalk Version of Relationships.

There is so many versions of relationships around the globe in every culture. You're going to International Relationships that are quite different than the old school relationships of just the local community.

It's an adventure in the deep ocean of the world.
 

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