Are you surrounding yourself with the right people?

[MsMoney]

I've been asking that question alot of myself lately.

I'm finding that I don't seem to have the "best" selection when it comes to men. The current man in my life is a good man, but very simple. Simple in his ways and what he wants out of life. Although there are many qualities I admire & respect from him, I sometimes feel he is "talking down" to me. He is constantly pushing for me to get a J.O.B. I think it annoys him to no end that I don't. I don't expect to be with any man for the amount of money he has, but I do expect someone to not only encourage & believe in my dreams...but can see them too! Does that make sense to anyone?

I am really struggling/battling this with myself and everything is coming to a head. I am really exhausted from talking about this stuff with him. Sometimes I think he sees me as a way to save himself (which I will NOT do!)....I even told him that that is one of the most unattractive qualities a person can have (at least in my book). He tells me he is joking, but there is that little knawing inside of me saying he's not. If I break up with him, I know that I will break his heart and it's killing me inside.....but, sometimes I think he's not the one for me and it's not fair to either of us. Other times, he seems so perfect for me....just he doesn't understand our lingo? Does that make sense?? He doesn't GET IT.

I am so overwhelmed with my personal life that I know it is slowing me down in my professional/financial life. I think I need to try to be alone for awhile, but I'm scared. I've always been one of these people that have had someone in my life....I enjoy having a man around, you know?!? But I want a man around that I can converse with, discuss my business ideas and get real feed back, want to go out and have drinks with friends, maybe go away on a trip or two.....I always seem to get either the workaholic guys, or the guys that expect me to be their mommy.

I think I'm afraid....and I normally don't allow my fear to run my life, but boy is it right now! I can take on alot of stuff, but for some reason always seem to end up a little short in my personal life. I told myself that I can just keep this relationship the way it is (we see each other twice a week) and that's it....but to be honest, I've never been more lonely in my entire life.

Has anyone else been in a dilemma like this? I know there is no easy way out, but I'd love to get feedback. Have any of you ever stayed in a relationship similar to this and it worked out?

Thoughts/Comments??

 

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[cmartin371]

If you really read what you have said here it is quite clear that you are not only questioning him and the relationship, but many questions are being asked about yourself. All relationships are a reflection of ourselves, and if we are questioning what exactly it is we want, need, or dream of, then that is what you will get.......a relationship filled with uncertainty. You mentioned taking some time to be alone. This could be a very healthy thing to do. Get to know who you are and what you really want at this point in your life. You can start with your business/financial side. Call it cleaning and organizing your house, one room at a time.

Chris

 

[MsMoney]

If you really read what you have said here it is quite clear that you are not only questioning him and the relationship, but many questions are being asked about yourself. All relationships are a reflection of ourselves, and if we are questioning what exactly it is we want, need, or dream of, then that is what you will get.......a relationship filled with uncertainty. You mentioned taking some time to be alone. This could be a very healthy thing to do. Get to know who you are and what you really want at this point in your life. You can start with your business/financial side. Call it cleaning and organizing your house, one room at a time.

Chris

I know you are right....this is going to be a tough one for me, but I know it will be one of the best things I can do for both of us....I'll let you know what happens & when. Thanks, Chris, for your words of wisdom....I know I'll be re-reading them alot in the next few weeks! rep++

 

[cmartin371]

Anytime Ms Money! Keep us posted....sometimes talking about it can be very therapeutic......

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

Honestly, it just sounds like you haven't found the right guy. You describe a great guy, but not a great guy for you. Clearly, it is important for your man to have the same ambitions and dreams as yourself ... you'd like a guy with a similar mindset and vision for the future ... when those expectations aren't met, it is a let down. Let downs, bring you down.

If you don't have similar future visions, it could spell trouble down the road. (The infamous "we grew apart").

 

[yveskleinsky]

I've been asking that question alot of myself lately.

I'm finding that I don't seem to have the "best" selection when it comes to men. The current man in my life is a good man, but very simple. I do expect someone to not only encourage & believe in my dreams...but can see them too! Does that make sense to anyone?

I am really struggling/battling this with myself and everything is coming to a head. I am really exhausted from talking about this stuff with him. Sometimes I think he sees me as a way to save himself (which I will NOT do!)....He doesn't GET IT.

I am so overwhelmed with my personal life that I know it is slowing me down in my professional/financial life. I think I need to try to be alone for awhile, but I'm scared. I've always been one of these people that have had someone in my life....I enjoy having a man around, you know?!? But I want a man around that I can converse with, discuss my business ideas and get real feed back, want to go out and have drinks with friends, maybe go away on a trip or two.....I always seem to get either the workaholic guys, or the guys that expect me to be their mommy.

I think I'm afraid....and I normally don't allow my fear to run my life, but boy is it right now! I can take on alot of stuff, but for some reason always seem to end up a little short in my personal life. I told myself that I can just keep this relationship the way it is (we see each other twice a week) and that's it....but to be honest, I've never been more lonely in my entire life.

Has anyone else been in a dilemma like this? I know there is no easy way out, but I'd love to get feedback. Have any of you ever stayed in a relationship similar to this and it worked out?

Thoughts/Comments??

It's so easy to get rid of a loser, because it's pretty easy to tell a loser from a winner. It's much harder to break it off with a nice guy who is Almost Mr. Right. You say that he doesn't "get it", but I think it's both of you that doesn't get it. When a relationshop is based on potential and not reality, odds are it's not going to work. Just think about how much time have you invested in trying to get this guy to change. How much more are you willing to spend? ...There are more guys out there than just workaholics and guys who want to be mothered! Oh, and spend some time alone. You need to figure out who you are, and that's really hard to do when you are in a relationship. Figure out who you are and what you want, then start looking. (I am SO guilty of this!) When you start out by looking without knowing yourself it's easy to get sidetracked by someone who isn't at all what you are looking for, generally because your basis for sizing them up is based on personality/looks and not the core of who they are. Core values are crucial to long-term happiness. ...I thought you were moving. What happened to Santa Barbara?

 

[MrPink]

I have wondered what is the best to explain to a person that wants to an employee, why there is another choice. However this is based on a lot of different events in my llife and hard for me to complicate especially to a sigificant other. Questions that come to mind from you post MsMoney:

What is the best way for a person to 'get it'? Is there a certain order of books to read so that a normal 'E' can understand?

Oh yeah and where is the perfect man :heartbeat: for MsMoney?

 

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[Kung Fu Steve]

I've been asking that question alot of myself lately.

I'm finding that I don't seem to have the "best" selection when it comes to men. The current man in my life is a good man, but very simple. Simple in his ways and what he wants out of life. Although there are many qualities I admire & respect from him, I sometimes feel he is "talking down" to me. He is constantly pushing for me to get a J.O.B. I think it annoys him to no end that I don't. I don't expect to be with any man for the amount of money he has, but I do expect someone to not only encourage & believe in my dreams...but can see them too! Does that make sense to anyone?

I am really struggling/battling this with myself and everything is coming to a head. I am really exhausted from talking about this stuff with him. Sometimes I think he sees me as a way to save himself (which I will NOT do!)....I even told him that that is one of the most unattractive qualities a person can have (at least in my book). He tells me he is joking, but there is that little knawing inside of me saying he's not. If I break up with him, I know that I will break his heart and it's killing me inside.....but, sometimes I think he's not the one for me and it's not fair to either of us. Other times, he seems so perfect for me....just he doesn't understand our lingo? Does that make sense?? He doesn't GET IT.

I am so overwhelmed with my personal life that I know it is slowing me down in my professional/financial life. I think I need to try to be alone for awhile, but I'm scared. I've always been one of these people that have had someone in my life....I enjoy having a man around, you know?!? But I want a man around that I can converse with, discuss my business ideas and get real feed back, want to go out and have drinks with friends, maybe go away on a trip or two.....I always seem to get either the workaholic guys, or the guys that expect me to be their mommy.

I think I'm afraid....and I normally don't allow my fear to run my life, but boy is it right now! I can take on alot of stuff, but for some reason always seem to end up a little short in my personal life. I told myself that I can just keep this relationship the way it is (we see each other twice a week) and that's it....but to be honest, I've never been more lonely in my entire life.

Has anyone else been in a dilemma like this? I know there is no easy way out, but I'd love to get feedback. Have any of you ever stayed in a relationship similar to this and it worked out?

Thoughts/Comments??

I have recently found myself in a strange relationship position also. Being young, I don't know what it's like having such a long term relationship, hell I don't even know what one is!

From my point of view (I would say a very in-experienced one) you need to spend time with people you love. You only have so much time in the world, why waste it on someone that doesn't make you happy? If this guy DOES make you happy then you can chaulk up finances as one of the different things you do! As an example, I'm sure you have no interest in building bird houses with him, and he has no interest in underwater basket weaving with you! :smxB:

Again, I have had no experience sharing finances so I wouldn't know what that's like. But I do know I like to be happy, and you deserve to be too.

 

[Runum]

I like what Yves and Steve said. Apparently this is an issue that is so strong for you both that you can't agree to disagree and move on together?

Also, yeah, what did happen to Santa Barbara?

If he's talking down to you in any way I don't think he sees you as an equal. That would concern me. I wish you much wisdom Ms. Money.

 

[MsMoney]

It's so easy to get rid of a loser, because it's pretty easy to tell a loser from a winner. It's much harder to break it off with a nice guy who is Almost Mr. Right. You say that he doesn't "get it", but I think it's both of you that doesn't get it. When a relationshop is based on potential and not reality, odds are it's not going to work. Just think about how much time have you invested in trying to get this guy to change. How much more are you willing to spend? ...There are more guys out there than just workaholics and guys who want to be mothered! Oh, and spend some time alone. You need to figure out who you are, and that's really hard to do when you are in a relationship. Figure out who you are and what you want, then start looking. (I am SO guilty of this!) When you start out by looking without knowing yourself it's easy to get sidetracked by someone who isn't at all what you are looking for, generally because your basis for sizing them up is based on personality/looks and not the core of who they are. Core values are crucial to long-term happiness. ...I thought you were moving. What happened to Santa Barbara?

Thanks, Yves! S.B. is still a possibility. I'm working towards it right now as we speak...in fact, I might move a little farther out towards San Luis Obispo instead. I really like it out there and the market is still going strong! I also have friends out that way, so it would be nice to know a few people when I do move. But, I'll still be by the beach! :banana:

I really appreciate your feedback and advice. I know you are right. I think what will happen is, when I move ( in about a month or less, just working out living arrangements right now...) I know it will be over. I think I am just hating the day I break his heart. I don't want to do that to him, and my heart will be broken too. I know love is not enough to make a relationship work....I think we may have too many contradictions that just won't work for us. We are having a "talk" tomorrow night, but if I know him he will procrastinate and not want to talk about anything.

I've decided that I am just going to let us be for now....I don't think I can take on anymore "stuff" at the moment. I'm focusing on my businesses and the move. That's all I can do right now....I'm trusting everything else will work out as it's supposed to. I get really overwhelmed when I think about him & I....I just can't make it a priority anymore. But I will take your advice....and NOT date anyone else for quite awhile. It's funny, I wasn't looking to date anyone when I met him....and what fun I was having! :smx3:

rep ++

 

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[Banthaman]

This may be very different from you but just thought I'd say something. Before ever met my wife I had determined not to even date anyone unless I could seriously consider marrying them. It was a hard choice and made life probably a bit harder at the time when those my age around me were dating others. I have never personally been one for "casual" dating as I do not want to lead anyone in something I have no reason of perusing further. As it happened I met my wife when I least expected as I was not looking for a relationship at all. She has been to date my greatest inspiration as I first got to know her and then courted and eventually married. We started perusing financial literacy together and continually lean on each other for support in that endeavor. We share our goals and dreams above and beyond what our desires for our children as our children are only for a time and after that we are still together for life (Still involved with them but at some point there lives are there own).

During our pre marriage counseling on of the things that was brought up was the 80/20 rule. You will never agree with someone all of the time (occasionally not even yourself) and there will always be some things you don't like about the other, but if you like 80% of what that person believes, thinks, likes, etc. The 20% is the livable factor.

I'm out of time to write more but I just want to note that I would not have even made it this far if my wife was not 100% backing our future plans. She is incredible, she is rare, and she is one of a kind as my soul mate. Support is a key factor to any relationship, and if you’re not ready, don't sweat it. Believe me you would rather wait lonely than live miserable.

 

[MsMoney]

This may be very different from you but just thought I'd say something. Before ever met my wife I had determined not to even date anyone unless I could seriously consider marrying them. It was a hard choice and made life probably a bit harder at the time when those my age around me were dating others. I have never personally been one for "casual" dating as I do not want to lead anyone in something I have no reason of perusing further. As it happened I met my wife when I least expected as I was not looking for a relationship at all. She has been to date my greatest inspiration as I first got to know her and then courted and eventually married. We started perusing financial literacy together and continually lean on each other for support in that endeavor. We share our goals and dreams above and beyond what our desires for our children as our children are only for a time and after that we are still together for life (Still involved with them but at some point there lives are there own).

During our pre marriage counseling on of the things that was brought up was the 80/20 rule. You will never agree with someone all of the time (occasionally not even yourself) and there will always be some things you don't like about the other, but if you like 80% of what that person believes, thinks, likes, etc. The 20% is the livable factor.

I'm out of time to write more but I just want to note that I would not have even made it this far if my wife was not 100% backing our future plans. She is incredible, she is rare, and she is one of a kind as my soul mate. Support is a key factor to any relationship, and if you’re not ready, don't sweat it. Believe me you would rather wait lonely than live miserable.

Very smart of you, Banthaman! I am very envious of what you've set out to do and accomplished. I believe because you weren't "looking for a relationship" you found the right person....because you truly knew what you wanted.

I think for me, because my first serious relationship was my ex-husband and was when I was VERY young....I think it threw me off course. See, that relationship was very physically & verbally abusive. At the end of my marriage to him, if I didn't escape when I did...I'd be dead. The next serious relationship for me I realized that "as long as he didn't hit me, he must care" was my thinking....

I think I had a very warped sense of what a truly good guy is. I have a pretty good one now, but still feel like we are on two different planets.....He just doesn't understand any of my passion for business, being an entrepenuer...the excitement it brings me to create a really great deal either for myself or someone else....he just looks at the dollars (not that I don't mind being paid well...but it's more than that for me). A friend of mine recently pointed out to me that my checklist is "off". Meaning, I shouldn't say..."well, he doesn't hit me"...or "he doesn't put me down"...or "he doesn't do this or that"....Instead, I need to be saying "he encourages me", "he gets my passion and drive", "he allows me my freedom", etc..etc...

I know that when I move and we have to say goodbye, even though I will be heartbroken for awhile...I am going to enjoy my time by myself. I sometimes wonder if I was meant to ever really be with anyone else...maybe I'm better off alone....I think I'd be o.k. with that.

Rep++ to you for your encouraging words and wonderful share! Thank you very much!!

 

[yveskleinsky]

San Luis Obispo?! That's one of my favorite cities (outside of SB)!!! You'll have to hit the farmer's market (every Thurs. night if I remember. I am really excited for you.

...As for finding someone, it sounds like you do need to be alone for awhile. As soon as you get clear on what you do want, you'll start to seek it out.

Hang in there, and enjoy getting to know yourself.

 

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[hakrjak]

Trying to achieve your goals and live the life you dream of can be like trying to swim the English channel with lead weights around your ankles if you are doing it with the wrong person. Believe me, I know -- I've tried to do it with the wrong girl a couple of times, and it took awhile of being single for me to realize that if I just stopped settling and held out for the right girl -- Things in my life would become so much easier, the stress would diminish, and my happyness level would grow exponentially.

A lot of people resist breaking things off because they feel like they have wasted so much time on the person that they need to stick to their guns, and ride it out. A metaphor could be the poker player who keeps putting money into the pot on a bad hand, because he's already got so much money in the pot that he can't bare to lay his cards day. Relationships that don't work out definitely have their purpose, and there are rewards to reap from your investment of time & effort. They give you knowledge & perspective for when you do find the right one. Sometimes you can even remain good friends afterwards.

Cheers,

- Hakrjak