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The Effect Of Ending Your Toxic Relationship Has On Your Self Esteem And Personal Growth

Topics relating to managing people and relationships

Vitaly the Winne

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Earlier this week I ended my longterm relationship with my ex. I realized how toxic it was after reading an article about a psychologist about a mental health disorder, and the whole article I realized was an exact description of how my ex treated me and other people, sadly something she will be unable to fix until she decides to take responsibility and get the necessary help for.

My question to you guys is, for those who have ended toxic relationships or been dumped by a toxic partner, what are the emotional and psychological side effects, how long do they last, and how has the breakup positively affected your personal growth and goal achievement?
 
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Kevin88660

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Earlier this week I ended my longterm relationship with my ex. I realized how toxic it was after reading an article about a psychologist about a mental health disorder, and the whole article I realized was an exact description of how my ex treated me and other people, sadly something she will be unable to fix until she decides to take responsibility and get the necessary help for.

My question to you guys is, for those who have ended toxic relationships or been dumped by a toxic partner, what are the emotional and psychological side effects, how long do they last, and how has the breakup positively affected your personal growth and goal achievement?
We had few common language. It wasn’t toxic but just that I am not interested in the latest designer bag or soap drama. she was working while I was still in school. So our lives drifted apart.

Fast forward now I think it has more to do with understanding myself and what I want. No two people in the world have similar interest and are totally compatible. If someone has the qualities that tick all the boxes I know I want now, I think all other differences are just things I need to learn how to cope with.

What can be classified as toxic? What are the toxic stuffs that you had to endure these years?
 

Vitaly the Winne

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We had few common language. It wasn’t toxic but just that I am not interested in the latest designer bag or soap drama. she was working while I was still in school. So our lives drifted apart.

Fast forward now I think it has more to do with understanding myself and what I want. No two people in the world have similar interest and are totally compatible. If someone has the qualities that tick all the boxes I know I want now, I think all other differences are just things I need to learn how to cope with.

What can be classified as toxic? What are the toxic stuffs that you had to endure these years?
Putdowns, being told I'm not shit, lying, manipulation, and other things I'd rather not go into. I found out she has what's called borderline personality disorder, which makes it difficult if not impossible to own up to all those actions and then cast blame on other people. Needless to say I can't help a person who doesn't recognize that they need help and reacts with rage and manipulation every time I approached the subject, so cutting it off was the best option.

It's interesting how the most difficult times can teach us the most valuable lessons. I learned a lot about my own life and some of the people from my past, through this experience. Every difficult experience brings with it a blessing, if we choose to look for it.
 

Kevin88660

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Putdowns, being told I'm not shit, lying, manipulation, and other things I'd rather not go into. I found out she has what's called borderline personality disorder, which makes it difficult if not impossible to own up to all those actions and then cast blame on other people. Needless to say I can't help a person who doesn't recognize that they need help and reacts with rage and manipulation every time I approached the subject, so cutting it off was the best option.

It's interesting how the most difficult times can teach us the most valuable lessons. I learned a lot about my own life and some of the people from my past, through this experience. Every difficult experience brings with it a blessing, if we choose to look for it.
Looks like she is demanding and overbearing.

Most of the time they know they are unreasonable and are just expecting the guys to give in. We call it “Princess Tantrum” here. It is quite common.

If you cannot take it you should move on. Good for you.

My dad has great patience and good temperament. My Mom happens to be the overbearing one. She doesn’t manipulates. She is direct and just berates at him. My Dad just laughs it off. “If I am not good enough for you why didn’t you end up with a better guy”. In return my mom is diligent and works (though makes less than my dad) and do most of the house work. My dad will just concedes and be the first to say sorry in whatever argument. So I think the healthy dynamics made sure that they remained a loving couple even till today.
 
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BellaPippin

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Earlier this week I ended my longterm relationship with my ex. I realized how toxic it was after reading an article about a psychologist about a mental health disorder, and the whole article I realized was an exact description of how my ex treated me and other people, sadly something she will be unable to fix until she decides to take responsibility and get the necessary help for.

My question to you guys is, for those who have ended toxic relationships or been dumped by a toxic partner, what are the emotional and psychological side effects, how long do they last, and how has the breakup positively affected your personal growth and goal achievement?

My ex husband was abusive, verbally, physically and sexually. I'm pretty sure either he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or BPD too, but I will never know. He had no empathy, no respect for boundaries, apologies were just something he said because he was supposed to I guess, because he would do the same things the next day. Guilt trips were the order of the day, I was scared of his reactions over little stuff, giving in was much easier than go through the drama if I said no....Of course, all the abuse, the guilt tripping, the manipulation was somehow my fault; I had done something to deserve it according to him, I had to try harder, If I wasn't so "x" he wouldn't do "y". But it was a losing battle. After 4 years of marriage (7 relationship total) I had to leave for my own safety and sanity. It's been two years, and I'm only starting to feel like I've attained a significant level of healing. I don't know how long you were with this person but the longer you are and the more emotional trauma you are exposed to the longer the healing takes. Even then, it's a wound that reopens way too easily, in my case at least. I was too in love with this person, I was so determined to be happy together, and it was super hard to process how "cheated" I felt that he harmed me so much while saying he loved me and wanted the best for me. Heck he probably literally cheated too, idk.

He's (and all his circles too)blocked from absolutely everywhere and his emails go to junk which is the only thing I see occasionally --two years later he keeps sending emails, alternating between calling me a bitch that used him and asking me out on a date because he says he misses me--. Don't expect any type of closure, there will be none on her part because they can't own their actions. The only closure is moving on, and that will be a process on its own.

The benefits? Peace. Even when you're grieving the relationship, you can appreciate coming home to a safe place where nobody yells at you nor you have to be walking on eggshells. You'll slowly find yourself again instead of the person you had to pretend to be to keep them happy and not triggered... I highly recommend going to therapy to talk about it because it can be quite the rollercoaster, and you may miss her and think of their "good persona" and miss her and second guess yourself plenty of times. Except that person doesn't exist, it's just who they show you to reel you in. It's sick and twisted but that is how it works.

Therapy will help you identify even the subtle ways they used to make you think you were wrong, manipulate you, made you feel bad, which will help you filter out new people much faster. Also because you might need to do a lot of catharsis. Once you are armed with what you learn you will be able to surround yourself with only people that will add good things to your life, not bring stress/drama/negativity with them. I am now dating a very good man, and sometimes it feels surreal or I am surprised he does things I would certainly do for others but I wasn't used to my partner doing for me, even super basic stuff like respect, trust, not explode like volcanos over the smallest thing... things that are the foundation of a healthy relationship.

DM me if you need to chat, rant or vent, but I highly encourage you to take some counseling sessions with a good therapist too. Their professional input is priceless.

Don't go back. It's only up from here onwards.
~B
 

BellaPippin

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Looks like she is demanding and overbearing.

Most of the time they know they are unreasonable and are just expecting the guys to give in. We call it “Princess Tantrum” here. It is quite common.

If you cannot take it you should move on. Good for you.

My dad has great patience and good temperament. My Mom happens to be the overbearing one. She doesn’t manipulates. She is direct and just berates at him. My Dad just laughs it off. “If I am not good enough for you why didn’t you end up with a better guy”. In return my mom is diligent and works (though makes less than my dad) and do most of the house work. My dad will just concedes and be the first to say sorry in whatever argument. So I think the healthy dynamics made sure that they remained a loving couple even till today.

I will have to disagree with what you said. He's not describing a "princess tantrum" from an immature girl that needs to grow up. He's describing verbal abuse.

I'm not gonna comment on your parents but "berating" and "having to concede to keep peace" isn't precisely healthy dynamics either. Then again, only you know how it really looks. Some cultures, like the one I come from, normalize this type of relationships.
 

Longinus

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I ended my relationship about 6 months ago, we were almost 12 years together.

I already knew there was something wrong, but I always thought it was me. One day finally I realized we had a very toxic relationship and it wasnt going to improve. Ever.

It was quite tough to break up, because my ex was immensly lost and heartbroken, which made me feel extremely guilty. I kept going though, and I'm glad I did. She had a very bad upbringing and ended up in a mental institution where she still is. Until last week she used to text me a lot and threaten with suicide. According to a psychotherapist I know, she probably also has NPD and borderline.

I sincerely hope she will heal quickly and go on with her life. I'm still kinda exploring the world on my own and feel like there's a huge weight of my shoulders.

I can also feel my growth was stalled because all of this and I have a total different view since the breakup. It's like I'm a different person.
 
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Primeperiwinkle

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My question to you guys is, for those who have ended toxic relationships or been dumped by a toxic partner, what are the emotional and psychological side effects, how long do they last, and how has the breakup positively affected your personal growth and goal achievement?

There’s moments I wonder if I would even recognize myself from three years ago.. the person I am now is.. healthier, stronger, more kind, much more confident. I still tend to crush on a guy way too fast.. but now I can pull back from the feelings.. I can see the situation objectively. I don’t get swept up in the allure of a new guy and then sacrifice my time or my goals, my integrity or my virtue. My behavior in response to a relationship is much more stable. I still have a ways to go though, a long way, I’m sure.

I don’t get all a flutter by just any guy who pays attention to me, now. I appreciate the attention but I have much higher standards for myself now than I ever did before. I’m not afraid of “missing out” on the “love of my life”. I’m not in a rush though I’m prolly still awkward because I don’t mind talking about emotions or needs and that’s.. rare. I’ve had phenomenal whirlwind experiences and I am glad for them. All of these lessons and great experiences came AFTER I left my ex.

I still FEEL to extremes (given half a chance w/ a guy who meets my massive checklist of criteria) but I don’t ACT in accordance with those feelings. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m more mature. I’m ok with being on my own, for the most part. I know the value of having real solid friendships with guys now. I’m working really hard to be a good friend to them too. And I’m totally ok with laughing about my own ridiculous romantic crap. Lol.

If I grow old alone and never have that marriage dream I always wanted, a dream I fought half my life for.. well.. it turns out there are other dreams of mine that are more exciting and beautiful and noble and good. My dreams matter. That’s probably what has changed the most.

I couldn’t have written any of that three years ago. So.. that’s something.
 

BellaPippin

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I ended my relationship about 6 months ago, we were almost 12 years together.

I already knew there was something wrong, but I always thought it was me. One day finally I realized we had a very toxic relationship and it wasnt going to improve. Ever.

It was quite tough to break up, because my ex was immensly lost and heartbroken, which made me feel extremely guilty. I kept going though, and I'm glad I did. She had a very bad upbringing and ended up in a mental institution where she still is. Until last week she used to text me a lot and threaten with suicide. According to a psychotherapist I know, she probably also has NPD and borderline.

I sincerely hope she will heal quickly and go on with her life. I'm still kinda exploring the world on my own and feel like there's a huge weight of my shoulders.

I can also feel my growth was stalled because all of this and I have a total different view since the breakup. It's like I'm a different person.

Hey don't feel bad. That's the nature of mental illness. You didn't do anything wrong. Reach out if you need to talk, but also I highly recommend counseling sessions to process the whole thing. It's way underestimated how things like this harm you inside. The "I always thought it was me" isn't coincidence. It's how it works for them and consumes you.
 

Vitaly the Winne

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Looks like she is demanding and overbearing.

Most of the time they know they are unreasonable and are just expecting the guys to give in. We call it “Princess Tantrum” here. It is quite common.

If you cannot take it you should move on. Good for you.

My dad has great patience and good temperament. My Mom happens to be the overbearing one. She doesn’t manipulates. She is direct and just berates at him. My Dad just laughs it off. “If I am not good enough for you why didn’t you end up with a better guy”. In return my mom is diligent and works (though makes less than my dad) and do most of the house work. My dad will just concedes and be the first to say sorry in whatever argument. So I think the healthy dynamics made sure that they remained a loving couple even till today.
It was definitely more than just a tantrum, a push/pull dynamic in a relationship that always left me drained and questioning my sanity.
 
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Vitaly the Winne

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My ex husband was abusive, verbally, physically and sexually. I'm pretty sure either he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or BPD too, but I will never know. He had no empathy, no respect for boundaries, apologies were just something he said because he was supposed to I guess, because he would do the same things the next day. Guilt trips were the order of the day, I was scared of his reactions over little stuff, giving in was much easier than go through the drama if I said no....Of course, all the abuse, the guilt tripping, the manipulation was somehow my fault; I had done something to deserve it according to him, I had to try harder, If I wasn't so "x" he wouldn't do "y". But it was a losing battle. After 4 years of marriage (7 relationship total) I had to leave for my own safety and sanity. It's been two years, and I'm only starting to feel like I've attained a significant level of healing. I don't know how long you were with this person but the longer you are and the more emotional trauma you are exposed to the longer the healing takes. Even then, it's a wound that reopens way too easily, in my case at least. I was too in love with this person, I was so determined to be happy together, and it was super hard to process how "cheated" I felt that he harmed me so much while saying he loved me and wanted the best for me. Heck he probably literally cheated too, idk.

He's (and all his circles too)blocked from absolutely everywhere and his emails go to junk which is the only thing I see occasionally --two years later he keeps sending emails, alternating between calling me a bitch that used him and asking me out on a date because he says he misses me--. Don't expect any type of closure, there will be none on her part because they can't own their actions. The only closure is moving on, and that will be a process on its own.

The benefits? Peace. Even when you're grieving the relationship, you can appreciate coming home to a safe place where nobody yells at you nor you have to be walking on eggshells. You'll slowly find yourself again instead of the person you had to pretend to be to keep them happy and not triggered... I highly recommend going to therapy to talk about it because it can be quite the rollercoaster, and you may miss her and think of their "good persona" and miss her and second guess yourself plenty of times. Except that person doesn't exist, it's just who they show you to reel you in. It's sick and twisted but that is how it works.

Therapy will help you identify even the subtle ways they used to make you think you were wrong, manipulate you, made you feel bad, which will help you filter out new people much faster. Also because you might need to do a lot of catharsis. Once you are armed with what you learn you will be able to surround yourself with only people that will add good things to your life, not bring stress/drama/negativity with them. I am now dating a very good man, and sometimes it feels surreal or I am surprised he does things I would certainly do for others but I wasn't used to my partner doing for me, even super basic stuff like respect, trust, not explode like volcanos over the smallest thing... things that are the foundation of a healthy relationship.

DM me if you need to chat, rant or vent, but I highly encourage you to take some counseling sessions with a good therapist too. Their professional input is priceless.

Don't go back. It's only up from here onwards.
~B
You've just perfectly described my whole relationship also, going from piece of shit to being incredible, back and forth. I learned that it's really an inability on the person's part to control their emotions, and having the emotional maturity of a 3 year old, due to not having the ability to feel empathy, nor understanding that they are the cause of some of their own problems. It's sad and I genuinely wish the best for my ex with finding and accepting the need for psychological help, after having realized I'm codependent(we were together for 2 years and 4 months, and healthy person would have realized this unhealthy power dynamic and ended this relationship much sooner) I'm absolutely going to counseling to work on my issue so this kind of relationship no longer appeals to me. In a way, even seeing how toxic it was, it's a blessing, having come out of it relatively sane and having learned more about people and what I need to do to help myself. I'm happy that your love life has improved, and very sad that you've also had a very similar dating experience. It shakes us up at the core and really puts doubts and questions in our minds as to who people really are.
 

Vitaly the Winne

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I ended my relationship about 6 months ago, we were almost 12 years together.

I already knew there was something wrong, but I always thought it was me. One day finally I realized we had a very toxic relationship and it wasnt going to improve. Ever.

It was quite tough to break up, because my ex was immensly lost and heartbroken, which made me feel extremely guilty. I kept going though, and I'm glad I did. She had a very bad upbringing and ended up in a mental institution where she still is. Until last week she used to text me a lot and threaten with suicide. According to a psychotherapist I know, she probably also has NPD and borderline.

I sincerely hope she will heal quickly and go on with her life. I'm still kinda exploring the world on my own and feel like there's a huge weight of my shoulders.

I can also feel my growth was stalled because all of this and I have a total different view since the breakup. It's like I'm a different person.
My ex was also very lost and heartbroken, and I experienced a similar thing. All throughout the relationship I believed her when she said it was my fault that something happened, or I caused a fight/argument. Over time my self esteem started dropping, and I couldn't even look people in the eyes when I talked with them because I felt like crap. It's interesting, personal development probably saved my life in this case. I was listening to a speech by Les Brown about negative people and the effects they have on life, and started seriously thinking about my relationship. Next thing I know curiosity got the best of me, and I begin googling the relationship dynamics and the types of things I noticed my ex doing and saying, and BPD came up online. I rrad the description, and it explained the relationship perfectly, and it was at that moment I realized that I needed to get out, and rebuild myself, because if she truly knew what the issue was and had taken responsibility, it would be solved by that point. Even talking with her proved pointless, it turned into an emotional blackmail campaign every time I said something that related to getting help, or maybe taking responsibility. After 12 years, what inspired you to take a look at your relationship and decide that it was toxic and that you deserve better?
 

Vitaly the Winne

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There’s moments I wonder if I would even recognize myself from three years ago.. the person I am now is.. healthier, stronger, more kind, much more confident. I still tend to crush on a guy way too fast.. but now I can pull back from the feelings.. I can see the situation objectively. I don’t get swept up in the allure of a new guy and then sacrifice my time or my goals, my integrity or my virtue. My behavior in response to a relationship is much more stable. I still have a ways to go though, a long way, I’m sure.

I don’t get all a flutter by just any guy who pays attention to me, now. I appreciate the attention but I have much higher standards for myself now than I ever did before. I’m not afraid of “missing out” on the “love of my life”. I’m not in a rush though I’m prolly still awkward because I don’t mind talking about emotions or needs and that’s.. rare. I’ve had phenomenal whirlwind experiences and I am glad for them. All of these lessons and great experiences came AFTER I left my ex.

I still FEEL to extremes (given half a chance w/ a guy who meets my massive checklist of criteria) but I don’t ACT in accordance with those feelings. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m more mature. I’m ok with being on my own, for the most part. I know the value of having real solid friendships with guys now. I’m working really hard to be a good friend to them too. And I’m totally ok with laughing about my own ridiculous romantic crap. Lol.

If I grow old alone and never have that marriage dream I always wanted, a dream I fought half my life for.. well.. it turns out there are other dreams of mine that are more exciting and beautiful and noble and good. My dreams matter. That’s probably what has changed the most.

I couldn’t have written any of that three years ago. So.. that’s something.
It sounds like as a result of your relationship you became more resolute and goal oriented, while at the same time realizing your worth and not letting people manipulate and influence you, I'd say that's a win :).

Your dreams do matter, never allow anyone to negatively inspire you to think otherwise, because those same dreams they themselves don't have. If you believe you can do something, chances are there's a very good reason why, and a calling in your life :)
 
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BellaPippin

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You've just perfectly described my whole relationship also, going from piece of shit to being incredible, back and forth. I learned that it's really an inability on the person's part to control their emotions, and having the emotional maturity of a 3 year old, due to not having the ability to feel empathy, nor understanding that they are the cause of some of their own problems. It's sad and I genuinely wish the best for my ex with finding and accepting the need for psychological help, after having realized I'm codependent(we were together for 2 years and 4 months, and healthy person would have realized this unhealthy power dynamic and ended this relationship much sooner) I'm absolutely going to counseling to work on my issue so this kind of relationship no longer appeals to me. In a way, even seeing how toxic it was, it's a blessing, having come out of it relatively sane and having learned more about people and what I need to do to help myself. I'm happy that your love life has improved, and very sad that you've also had a very similar dating experience. It shakes us up at the core and really puts doubts and questions in our minds as to who people really are.

There’s plenty you can read on the subject if you wish to understand...but believe me that will only do so much. Do go talk to someone about it, that will do you much better. And yea that’s how it goes... it’s for my own good, just wants me to reach my potential, I’m the best of the best, then the next moment I was an idiot for having a different opinion and then I was a bitch for standing up to the disrespect. No logical arguments whatsoever, reality got molded to his convenience.....We could talk for hours...abusive relationships F*ck you up man.
Just know that every day it’s a little bit better and as long as you don’t contact her anymore, AT ALL, every day you recover another bit of your sanity, a bit of your self esteem and self worth, and going to therapy will give you the awareness so that it never happens again.
Message me whenever I’m always available to talk.
 

Vitaly the Winne

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There’s plenty you can read on the subject if you wish to understand...but believe me that will only do so much. Do go talk to someone about it, that will do you much better. And yea that’s how it goes... it’s for my own good, just wants me to reach my potential, I’m the best of the best, then the next moment I was an idiot for having a different opinion and then I was a bitch for standing up to the disrespect. No logical arguments whatsoever, reality got molded to his convenience.....We could talk for hours...abusive relationships F*ck you up man.
Just know that every day it’s a little bit better and as long as you don’t contact her anymore, AT ALL, every day you recover another bit of your sanity, a bit of your self esteem and self worth, and going to therapy will give you the awareness so that it never happens again.
Message me whenever I’m always available to talk.
Sadly the abusers don't understand it's their own issues they're projecting, and then end up not even being self aware enough to take responsibility for it. Very true, nothing logical about it, you can't reason with a 3 year old, the same way a person who has either BPD or NPD isn't reasonable when they have their episode.

I seriously appreciate you reaching out on this post and offering a helping hand, good to realize I wasn't crazy, and happy that both of us were able to recognize the issue before we were either hospitalized for physical abuse or lost our minds among this insanity. Already told my friends in Oregon about my relationship, and they're waiting for me with open arms to help me pick myself up and support me. Having a support system definitely helps, and I'll be reaching out to the counselor I had before when I get back.
 

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