The constant battle with myself.

[Ninjakid]

So here's what's been going on with me for the past few weeks.

To say that my mental state is breaking down would be an understatement. I've gone completely insane. I feel completely broken down at this point. I'm fiddling around with the idea of just ending everything, just like my cousin did a few years ago. The only thing stopping me is that I don't want cause my family anymore turmoil. Still, I've just about given up on trying to pick myself up.

The first thing I feel when I wake up and the last thing I feel when I go to sleep is a tense, burning anxious feeling in my stomach. I hate it, and I find that I'm enjoying nothing. Throughout the day, I'm tortured by constant anxiety, and fearing things that have never, and will never happen. I know these thoughts are completely irrational, but still I can't get them out of my head. I can't focus on anything because these mental patterns are tearing me apart every second that I'm awake. It's making me reclusive, as I find myself staying inside and avoiding any and all human interaction as much as possible. I sleep a lot because that's the only time I feel any type of peace.

I quickly notice anything negative. I feel like I have every reason to be terrified of everything. Things on the news, things and things I read online only give me more reason to be a nervous wreck.

This isn't exactly something new to me though. I was diagnosed with Tourette's when I was very young, and recently I found out that this isn't an uncommon symptom. I remember having obsessive intrusive thoughts since I was as young as 10. Now I'm 22, and it's hit me so hard that I'm completely consumed by it all day. I've probably lost about ten pounds within the past couple of days from not eating, and I don't have the energy to exercise. I feel like I should try and mediate to clear my head, but I'm afraid to face the thoughts in my mind head on.

About two months ago, I quit drinking alcohol. For a few years I would drink every day. That's how I would deal with my stress and anxiety. But after one night when I managed to give myself alcohol poisoning, and after barely making it home and being unable to eat solid food for two days, I finally had enough. I'm not going back to that ever. I've read that after quitting drinking, it's common to feel much more intense depression and anxiety because it was suppressed before. So maybe this is the consequence of self-medicating myself for all those years.

I'm not sure how I'm gonna make it through this. I'm quite certain I need to seek professional help though. I don't want to take any medication as I don't think it's healthy. But at the same time, I just can't go on like this anymore.

 

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[phenom4hire]

Sounds like a tough bout of depression along with whatever else you may have going on. I don't pretend to know what it is like because I have never been there and honestly I never will be. I just won't, its a personal choice that I alone have control over.

As bad as you may have it, everyone has their own demons and problems and many find happiness and success in spite of them, so what ever you do, don't cop out because you have it bad. Move forward by finding something that gives you happiness or meaning, your "happy place" so to speak. What are some things that you still enjoy or that bring you happiness? Focus on all of that stuff to help you through the dark times.

Life can suck at times, but its up to you to pick yourself up and dust yourself off when life knocks you down. Take whatever steps you can to improve your situation whether it be a psychiatrist, or somebody else you trust to confide in and think about all of the value that your life holds. Stop being cynical and negative and do everything you can to take on a more positive mindset. You can do this, I have faith in you. If you want it bad enough it is there for the taking.

Most of all good luck and if you need to vent, a pm will do.

Best Wishes

 

[Mattie]

Sometimes you can be resisting the thoughts, emotions, and feelings. You really just have to be and allow yourself to feel them and release them. This is something I had to learn myself. Usually when I've felt like that it means to acknowledge thoughts, feelings, and emotions an allow them to go. It's tougher when you try to fight them and avoid them. Which is what most people do. This is when they do drink or self medicated. Avoidance of thoughts, emotions, and feelings. When you're ready to get rid of them, you will. On the end of this, is not pushing yourself and forcing it.

The fear part is an illusion and you know this already. Anti-depressants may help you, but this doesn't control the thinking patterns or anxiety all the time. That's why they say cognitive behavior therapy and medication. Talk therapy, writing therapy, music therapy, art therapy, light therapy, meditation, mindfulness, eft, visualization, self-guided meditations, affirmations. There's lots of choices. Frankly, you can't escape the negative thoughts, if I remember right. lol Automatic pilot. So regardless if you make a choice in the moment when you have this experience, you will gravitate toward the negative, or stay in control and try something to swing you back in balance.

I do know the alcohol can magnify depression. The intensity of it magnifying depression at this point I don't know. I do know whether alcohol plays a factor or not, anxiety is anxiety and fear is fear. Obsessive thoughts are thoughts. Either way you will feel emotional and mental pain whether you do something about it or not like I said above.

Quitting isn't really what you want to do. That's the negative self-talk. So what do you have to do to turn it around. I call this the mini-crisis moment. So, fortunately, you expressed yourself here, and now you need to go do something to manage it. Turn it around in a positive direction.

 

[Mattie]

The Now Reality Check-Up

Is the environment a safe place right now?
The past is a memory, illusion, and doesn't exist right now.
What can you do right now?
The future isn't here right now. It's also an illusion. Imagination gets the best of you.
Observe what's in front of you. What's happening in the room?
Do you see anything unsafe or dangerous. Probably not.
Do you hear anything unsafe or dangerous. Probably not.
Do you smell anything unsafe or dangerous. Probably not.
If it's not happening right now. It's not here right now.
Fear can be about survival. So if you're dwelling on any point in time other than right now, you're producing that affect of anxiety by placing yourself in the emotion and feeling of the past. Which isn't here right now. So right now your emotion, thought, and feeling can shift by choosing a new focal point. Watch a video, listen to calm music, or whatever. Doodling sometimes puts your focus on the now.
Focus, Focus, Focus
Use a timer or alarm to snap yourself back into reality of now.
There's nothing to fear right now. Most likely you're safe and secure.

 

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[Vigilante]

Please call 1-800-273-8255

There are people there you can talk with 24–7

You need somebody more capable than we are to help you through this tough patch

 

[Daniel A]

The only thing stopping me is that I don't want cause my family anymore turmoil.

Also, think about everyone here on the forum. We've seen you around. We remember you and want the best for you. Everyone here on the forum wants you to live a happy and fulfilling life. There's no doubt in my mind that your family wants that for you too.

I'm 22 as well bro, we have much more of life to experience!

It's great that you reached out to the forum to let us know how you're doing because there are people who want to and will help you.

Your username is one I remember seeing around and I would like to continue seeing you here on the forum.

All of us here want to help you. There are people who are more capable though and may know exactly what you're going through via personal experience. You can easily connect with them! Reach out to them because they want to help you. They're literally there for you 24/7!

Right now please call the phone number Vigilante posted because they will help you. 1-800-273-8255

Talk to them bro, please, because I know they can help you. We're also here for you, remember that. Feel free to send me a PM. I will talk to you and do my best to make you start feeling better. The state you are in is temporary. You will feel better when you allow others to help you. You're not alone bro!

Please call 1-800-273-8255 and update us if you'd like on how the call went. I'm looking forward to your reply bro.
and

 

[Shdreams]

You Cannot control anything your worrying about on social media or the news. So stop looking! Your thought patterns create fears, your fears than become anxiety. You need to learn how to change the thought patterns. You are what you eat man. Think garbage thoughts = feel like shit. Think of You. Your biggest concern rite now should be your health. Get counselling!! Don't wait. I used counselling to learn forgiveness. Wish I knew the stuff I learned in counselling in my teens and early 20's. Good luck bud!

 

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[Ninjakid]

Thanks for the encouragement and advice, everyone. I deeply appreciate it.

Just so everyone doesn't worry, I'm not suicidal right now. I had the idea pop into my head for a bit, but it wasn't very pressing.
I didn't call the number, because I didn't feel I needed to at that point, but I put it into my phone just in case. I had decided that if I don't calm down, I'll check myself into the hospital. Believe it or not, part of the reason why I didn't is because I had some school assignments I needed to finish lol (oh yeah I'm school again, but that's another story).

I talked to @AndrewNC and he gave me some really great advice and help. I may not be 100% but I do feel a lot better now.

Anyways I'm gonna try counselling and anything else I need to do. I feel like I still haven't totally addressed my problems, and I tend to ignore them thinking that they will go away only to find out later how wrong I am. I was having this similar problem about three weeks ago, but then I was euphorically happy for about four days, then that wore off and everything was downhill from there. There's a silver lining in all this I think. Maybe it's a sign that I need to make some changes.

It's weird because I've usually always been very calm and and never with anxiety. I've had depression and hallucinations in recent times, but I haven't had anxiety attacks since I was a kid, so this kind of caught me by surprise. Also the fact that it stayed with me for multiple days.

Maybe I just needed to talk about it with someone. I mostly kept it to myself before, but it feels good knowing I have support.

 

[Vigilante]

People don't generally swing from thoughts of suicide and back again. Realize that is not normal. Get some help. I'd hate for you to miss the next rebound.

 

[Ninjakid]

People don't generally swing from thoughts of suicide and back again. Realize that is not normal. Get some help. I'd hate for you to miss the next rebound.

You're right, it's not. Like for example, I feel euphoric at the moment. Absolutely nothing that was bothering me before is bothering me now. Basically a 100% turn around. Just the night before I needed about ten hours of sleep just to function but right now I could probably stay up all night and be completely fine with it.
This has been a pattern with me for many years though. I've kind of just stopped taking my mood seriously.
But I'm pretty sure this is a sign that I should actually address these problems instead of leaving it and letting it fester.

 

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[Shdreams]

Anyways I'm gonna try counselling and anything else I need to do.

Don't hesitate. I don't know you. So if theres no appointment booked response here. I go back to my normal life. But I know this happiness you have now is temporary. Google free counselling. Call the number, book the appointment. Because you will have to wait at least a week for your first visit.
P.s. my counselor/therapist ended up being a an extremely attractive woman lol hopefully you are as lucky.

 

[JustAskBenWhy]

I was born in Russia. Life in Russia is very much harder than it is in US. When my aunt picked up and left for America, KGB showed up at my father's work...

I am so lucky that my parents made it out in 1989. I am so fortunate to be an American. I feel like crying some times, because shit get's rough. But then I put it in perspective...

Suck it up. Some people have problems - you do not. You have options. Go down every hole until you find what you're looking for. Unlike so many in this world, you are free!!!

 

[jon.a]

I was born in Russia. Life in Russia is very much harder than it is in US. When my aunt picked up and left for America, KGB showed up at my father's work...

I am so lucky that my parents made it out in 1989. I am so fortunate to be an American. I feel like crying some times, because shit get's rough. But then I put it in perspective...

Suck it up. Some people have problems - you do not. You have options. Go down every hole until you find what you're looking for. Unlike so many in this world, you are free!!!

In this instance that may have been a little rough.

 

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[JustAskBenWhy]

In this instance that may have been a little rough.

I mean well!

 

[jon.a]

I mean well!

I know you did.

 

[Kingmaker]

About 8 months ago I PM'd you @Ninjakid, when I was all up in my head stressed out because I had a hard time coming up with a new business. You gave me this advice among other things:

"...What I noticed is the more I thought about, and the more I was anxious about it, the harder it became. Adding to that, I didn't have any other source of income at that time so there was DEFINITELY pressure at the time lol.

So what I did was instead of torturing myself over it, I just decided "F*ck it, I'm not gonna think about it." And I just decided I would spend my day doing martial arts, painting, hanging out with my friends and stuff like that. I just became care-free. You know what's interesting is that when I did that, decided to not give a F*ck, I actually had MORE creative and interesting ideas. Because there was less anxious clutter in my mind, so I was able to focus on an idea specifically."
​

And I HATED that advice lol. But then I wanted to get out of my head so badly that I just trusted you and let go. I 'stopped worrying and started living'. And it all happened just like you said, I stumbled upon some ideas out of the blue, worked on them, made more money than I ever had before.

So I just want you to know that you helped some dude you've never met in person, unconditionally, to make his life and the life of those around him better. I wouldn't be where I am today without your advice.

Do whatever you need to do to pick yourself back up bro, the world has a need for good people like you. At 22, you have a whole lot to give and receive in this world <3

​

 

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[Mattie]

I've had depression and hallucinations in recent times, but I haven't had anxiety attacks since I was a kid, so this kind of caught me by surprise. Also the fact that it stayed with me for multiple days.

This with suicide thoughts is an indicator to go get a physical to cross out biological and medical problems. The other going to a psychiatrist or psychologist to be evaluated and rule out other factors. Whether it's every day events and stress over a long period of time, or something more serious like a disorder of some sort. You have to understand symptoms can be similar in different diagnosis and untreated can run into major problems. As I stated before, even with depression and grief there are different levels of depression and severity.

This site might help you understand some things on false self or sub-selves and what goes on with thoughts etc. There are videos and a website when you're not working with a therapist. Peter passed away last week, but he's left a world of information. This guy also made this website and you tube videos suffering physically in a nursing home and thought his practice was over, only to find out he changed many people's lives.

It's important to have the number in your phone, but also find a support system offline or group online for those mini-crisis moments when you can't get in the office for an appointment. Peter has a group on face book with other psychologists taking it over and interacting time to time. Observing the group, it's probably one of the most healthy one's I've seen. I don't know if it will help you, but does give you a place to go too if there's no one around to talk.

https://www.youtube.com/user/gercacn
https://www.facebook.com/groups/846121198782230/

 

[beatgoezon]

I can feel your pain too @Ninjakid, life can bring crazy things in our way sometimes...

Think of these negative thoughts, fears, and panics as a lesson, learn from them, and let them go... Without seeing the terrors, sadness, anxiety, and pains in life, it can be impossible to see the harmony, peace, and joy in life too... Maybe it's all there to show you the beauty of life, relatively...

Let it go, and congrats on quitting drinking man, it's a big step, but don't turn back; there's nothing in "the bottle" except instant gratification of the moment.

I can't say much, but definitely but maybe give yourself a slight break, get in touch with your "soul", if that makes sense.
I felt the way you did a few years ago, and "A Course in Miracles" helped. Putting aside the whole "law of attraction" argument, give it a try,
it'll definitely help you find mental clarity and clear these demons in your mind bud.

http://acim.org/Lessons/toc.html

And yes... Meditate... Try to observe these thoughts, don't judge them, just observe them.

You're a champion man, and a definite inspiration to me and many members on the forum, and I know you'll defeat these demons in the end. Keep fighting, and if there's anything you need to share or talk about, we're all here for you @Ninjakid...

 

[Ubermensch]

@Ninjakid

Do the words below look familiar?

I struggled with the same type of thing for a while. For many years in my teens my entire thought process had a cloud of cynicism over it. And the thing is, most people will be like, "think happy thoughts and you'll stop being negative".

One: your subconscious mind is ultimately in charge of your thoughts. I could think to myself that I'm a unicorn or a slice of pizza instantly, but it would take time to actually internalize that to the point where I truly believe in it.

Two: We live in a happiness-obsessed society that has convinced us that negative thoughts are the enemy, and that we should be happy all the time. "You're depressed? You're being negative! Stop being negative!" Negative thoughts are important at times because they give us judgement. Usually unabashed positivity doesn't constitute as a keen sense of judgement.

The way I see it, there's constructive thought patterns, and destructive thought patterns, and you seem to be consumed by destructive thought patterns as it is.

Usually two things make are responsible for our thought patterns: that's what we spend our time focusing on, and actually real life experiences.

It's very difficult to change thought patterns when your real life doesn't agree with you. Your thought patterns will persist as long as you can easily find examples to prove yourself right.

So here's what you should do:

Persist until your your circumstances are different.

Keep putting yourself in these situations where you question yourself, and struggle with believing in yourself. Keep cold calling, keep meeting with businesses. Master the art of business and do what's necessary to get people to give you their money. But don't stop striving until you get what you want. Persist through sheer iron-willpower. Once you've had multiple successes, you'll notice you feel better about yourself because you can find more times when you have succeeded. From there on, you will gain more and more confidence because you'll have real life examples to back you up.

Hope this helps and good luck.

If that seems familiar, it should. You posted that in this thread. You echo Friedrich Nietzsche in that thread ("sheer iron-willpower").

Concentrate deeply. Can you recall how you felt when you typed that? Bring that back. Summon the return of that mind state.

The OP in this thread paint your words in full context. Read between the lines, and your reader can see your fighting spirit. Just as we ultimately judge athletes by their and the weight they can handle, life judges you the same way. Understand, my friend, that the weight you struggle with will only make you stronger.

This thread will make your life's story more interesting. Much later in life, as you reflect upon the path you took to success, you will remember the time that you felt like quitting.

You will remember how you pushed past the feelings you felt when you wrote the OP, and how you oddly felt stronger after enduring them.

You will discover that no therapist can help you, other than listen to you and point you in the right direction.

You will, "through sheer iron-willpower."

 

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[Dream&Achieve]

So here's what's been going on with me for the past few weeks.

To say that my mental state is breaking down would be an understatement. I've gone completely insane. I feel completely broken down at this point. I'm fiddling around with the idea of just ending everything, just like my cousin did a few years ago. The only thing stopping me is that I don't want cause my family anymore turmoil. Still, I've just about given up on trying to pick myself up.

The first thing I feel when I wake up and the last thing I feel when I go to sleep is a tense, burning anxious feeling in my stomach. I hate it, and I find that I'm enjoying nothing. Throughout the day, I'm tortured by constant anxiety, and fearing things that have never, and will never happen. I know these thoughts are completely irrational, but still I can't get them out of my head. I can't focus on anything because these mental patterns are tearing me apart every second that I'm awake. It's making me reclusive, as I find myself staying inside and avoiding any and all human interaction as much as possible. I sleep a lot because that's the only time I feel any type of peace.

I quickly notice anything negative. I feel like I have every reason to be terrified of everything. Things on the news, things and things I read online only give me more reason to be a nervous wreck.

This isn't exactly something new to me though. I was diagnosed with Tourette's when I was very young, and recently I found out that this isn't an uncommon symptom. I remember having obsessive intrusive thoughts since I was as young as 10. Now I'm 22, and it's hit me so hard that I'm completely consumed by it all day. I've probably lost about ten pounds within the past couple of days from not eating, and I don't have the energy to exercise. I feel like I should try and mediate to clear my head, but I'm afraid to face the thoughts in my mind head on.

About two months ago, I quit drinking alcohol. For a few years I would drink every day. That's how I would deal with my stress and anxiety. But after one night when I managed to give myself alcohol poisoning, and after barely making it home and being unable to eat solid food for two days, I finally had enough. I'm not going back to that ever. I've read that after quitting drinking, it's common to feel much more intense depression and anxiety because it was suppressed before. So maybe this is the consequence of self-medicating myself for all those years.

I'm not sure how I'm gonna make it through this. I'm quite certain I need to seek professional help though. I don't want to take any medication as I don't think it's healthy. But at the same time, I just can't go on like this anymore.

Just know you will get through this, I have gone through a lot of what you described. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I've been taking medicine and it does help a bit but it's still present within me. One thing I recommend is to try meditation and start eating healthy/working out. That's really helped me, they're all natural ways to help and try to cut out all caffeine. Good luck to you!

 

[Five Star]

Suck it up.

@JustAskBenWhy I've read some of your posts and I respect you, but your statements agitate me.

It's frustrating enough that mental illness is still somewhat of a taboo subject, but it's made worse by these kind of statements. It seems that people who are blessed enough to not experience it themselves seem to be quite frankly ignorant and ill-educated to it.

Because a person with mental illness doesn't have a physical symptom, people assume they can just flick a switch.

Telling them to just 'don't do it' is probably THE WORST THING you could do.

Some people have problems - you do not.

Really??

Perhaps you need to read the OP again:

I feel completely broken down at this point

a tense, burning anxious feeling in my stomach

I'm tortured by constant anxiety

I can't get them out of my head

these mental patterns are tearing me apart every second that I'm awake.

avoiding any and all human interaction

I feel like I have every reason to be terrified of everything

a nervous wreck

I'm completely consumed by it all day

I've probably lost about ten pounds within the past couple of days from not eating

I'm afraid

I just can't go on like this anymore

These are all serious problems for the OP.

.......not to mention this which is major:

I'm fiddling around with the idea of just ending everything

It's just as disappointing to notice who liked your post. Sorry to say.

@Ninjakid you really should go speak to your doctor, and consider medication to get you through this low point. I understand it's not the solution, but it could help support you short term while you build up more positive habits and a stronger mind sight. You should focus on the wealth of positive comments on this post, and notice how many people care

 

[Writer]

Ninjakid, just remember that although procrastinating is often negative there are a few things that should be perpetually left for "a tomorrow". Dying is one of them. Drinking alcohol is another one. There's always a tomorrow to die, so there's no need to do it today.

You are coming from drinking alcohol everyday, your body is messed up. Doesn't matter if it was just a glass of wine or a full bottle of Jack, your body and your brain think that your natural status is with alcohol. Tell them to stfu because your willpower is the boss, not your chemical imbalances.
Obviously the situation is complex, and as they told you get some professional help. That's what they are there for, and you know one thing? You want other people to be happy right? Show to the caseworker that you succeeded, and he will be happy and he will know that his job is really meaningful.

We have all been through bad times. You are no weaker than most of the people that made it through; you're active on this forum, so you're stronger by definition.

 

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[Ninjakid]

Hey everyone, do you know what else is frustrating? When you write a very long response and somehow you accidentally delete the entire thing right before you're about to post lol.

Sorry if it's taking me a while to respond, I've just been very busy for the past two days.

Give me some time and I'll respond appropriately. I've read all your comments and I truly appreciate everyone taking the time to respond and offer support

 

[jon.a]

Hey everyone, do you know what else is frustrating? When you write a very long response and somehow you accidentally delete the entire thing right before you're about to post lol.

Sorry if it's taking me a while to respond, I've just been very busy for the past two days.

Give me some time and I'll respond appropriately. I've read all your comments and I truly appreciate everyone taking the time to respond and offer support

Thanks for checking in.

 

[RadioActive]

In this instance that may have been a little rough.

Agreed, the worst thing to say to someone who is going through depression is "Suck it up". You can't just suck it up!

and

Please call 1-800-273-8255

There are people there you can talk with 24–7

You need somebody more capable than we are to help you through this tough patch

Please call this, they're real people who have been through the same stuff. I've called numerous times and still do. Makes me feel 1000x better about myself, and makes you understand why you need to keep fighting.

 

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[Mattie]

"Suck it up"

Pull yourself up by the boot straps
You're a victim
You're lazy
and more tend to be trigger words. Emotionally charged. Someone in the past stated these same words. They're words. Symbols and usually a negative perception. Be neutral about them. Anger, frustration, fear, and in anxiety mode. Don't react to the words. Self talk with positive statement. "Keep moving forward" I feel the emotional and mental pain, but I can move forward. It's not my destiny. Temporary. It maybe here today, but it may not be here tomorrow.

Consciousness: Past & Future
Subconsciousness: Only understands right now.

Goal get Consciousness in alignment with Sub.

Information and experience form beliefs.

Information: Five senses: See, smell, hear, taste, feel in your environment (Negative or Positive)
Experience: What you've experienced that has a negative trigger or positive trigger tells you now it will happen again.
You decide how you perceive this event, and whether you take it personally, or detach from the emotional trigger and let it go and be neutral about it. If you're reacting you're allowing it to harm you. If you're not taking it personally, you're responding. Every time you're on here or anywhere else, keep practicing. When there's a trigger word, where is the root of it? Where did it come from in your past? Acknowledge it, and let it go. Forgive it. Is it true about you? It is something you can overcome? Is it something you can change? Probably. What's the issue and what's the problem? What's the solution? How can I act differently or think differently to the situation? Do I have to allow it to be emotionally charged? No. Is it always about you? No. It is a combination of being unaware and ignorant on one side or the other. Know whose issue it is?

 

[Trevor Chaumont]

You didn't choose this road because you're easily defeated. You chose this road because you're willing to fight to overcome all odds. I guarantee you can rise above this. I believe in you. I believe in everyone here. Keep your head up!

 

[Mattie]

One key point I forgot in my own journey was I was always taught change the behavior, and reward and punishment for consequences. And really it was a struggle most of my life with that theory. Even my son with charts and rewards with A.D.H.D. the behavior didn't change until the thought changed. Once the thought changed, the body followed with ease. If you're just trying to change the behavior the thought is the same and you have the rubber band effect. That's why it's such a struggle.

 

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[Ninjakid]

So today I've generally been feeling alright. I've had some stress from doing a lot of multitasking. One of my clients has been kind of annoying, maybe I've been too nice to her and she doesn't understand boundaries. Just because I freelance doesn't mean I'm available for you every second of the day. However this chick is nice, so I've been nice to her as well.
Then I was studying. And while planning my day tomorrow which included going to court, meeting with my business partner, and filing for a new business license, my dad called and said his computer wasn't working, because of some malware.
Now my dad is quite the opposite of tech-savvy, so it was a bit of a task to try and figure out how to diagnose the issue, and explain to him the steps to manually remove the virus.
Meanwhile my mom was getting on my case about school, as she thought I was working too much and not studying enough. I tried to politely tell her that I have a lot of things on my mind and I didn't want to talk about that stuff now. Well she didn't take that well and wouldn't leave me alone, so I got kind of defensive. I apologized to her later though, and explained that I was just a little overwhelmed. I guess me saying I have a lot on my mind wasn't enough and she wanted me to explain what I was so wrapped up about. I got annoyed and said if I say I want to be left alone, she should just leave me alone. She didn't agree. But I see her point of view, and she really just wanted to make sure I was taking care of myself. That's another way perception can change your experience. I interpreted her as being slightly attacking, when really she was just concerned about me because I was being all closed off.
I have to say my mom and I have had our differences, but she's been the most supportive person at times, and I'm lucky to have her.

Don't hesitate. I don't know you. So if theres no appointment booked response here. I go back to my normal life. But I know this happiness you have now is temporary. Google free counselling. Call the number, book the appointment. Because you will have to wait at least a week for your first visit.
P.s. my counselor/therapist ended up being a an extremely attractive woman lol hopefully you are as lucky.

I'm past the time in my life where I would let myself linger in self-pity. The reason why I wrote this post was not so to get people to feel sorry for me, but I was reaching out for support because I couldn't handle this all on my own, and I've never been the type to really tell people around me what I was thinking and what is going on with me. At the same time I also want to document my experience, so that anyone in a similar situation can look at this, and maybe offer them even the slightest bit of hope of what's possible to overcome.
Yes I have called counselling places.
I haven't had an attractive female for a counselor yet, but I've got my fingers crossed. If that happens, there may be a more interesting story here.

I was born in Russia. Life in Russia is very much harder than it is in US. When my aunt picked up and left for America, KGB showed up at my father's work...

I am so lucky that my parents made it out in 1989. I am so fortunate to be an American. I feel like crying some times, because shit get's rough. But then I put it in perspective...

Suck it up. Some people have problems - you do not. You have options. Go down every hole until you find what you're looking for. Unlike so many in this world, you are free!!!

Actually my family came to Canada in a similar way, also from the Soviet Union.

On one hand I agree with you, because I am quite fortunate. Actually in a lot of ways I've had a privileged upbringing. Even if I decided to abandon the Fastlane, I would still be living better than probably 95% of the population. At the same time, we've all had to deal with things in life. I've faced many challenges growing up that other people who are not me said are harsh, and I tell them how fortunate I actually feel. Unless you've walked in my shoes, and lived my life, you can't say that I have no problems. To be fair, I haven't talked about some of my life experiences because I don't like to relive them. But maybe I'll talk about them someday hopefully to inspire people.

When you say "suck it up," that basically means burying your emotions deep down and going about your life like nothing is wrong. Commonly someone who would say that would also say, "be a man," hinting that you're less than because you acknowledge that there are mental processes that go on inside you that actually trouble you.

One thing you should know about me is that I've been fighting with myself for most of my life. As I mentioned earlier, I was diagnosed with Tourettes when I was very young. One reason why I don't remember most of my childhood was because I had the complete inability to concentrate on anything and was frequently lost in my own mind. My mom, and I thank her immensely for this, wouldn't let me take medication because she felt it would have a harmful effect on me. I was told that when I became an adult I would either get better, or my symptoms would get a lot worse.

I told myself I would get better no matter what. I learned mind tricks to suppress the symptoms and eventually they lessened in severity. Guess what? Today while I still feel the symptoms sometimes, for the most part I'm as functional as anyone else.

When I was 17 I had depression so strongly that I literally had to fight with myself every night to not kill myself. It wasn't like a few days ago that lasted a few days, I had this black cloud over me every day for almost two years. Unless you have actually experienced clinical depression, you can't tell me that it's just something you can snap out of. I tried counseling, I tried medication, but overall I would go back to my same state. However, pretty much as a surprise to everyone around me, I pulled myself out of this dark hole with sheer willpower.

And you know what? From that time it was actually years until I even had contemplated suicide again. I got myself I decent job, got tired of it, quit, started a business, failed, lost all my savings, kept persevering when everyone was telling me I was being delusional, and eventually was able to start freelancing steadily and got my money back, while working on another business which I'm doing now. I started all that as a mentally unstable 19 year old.

You seem to think that the problems I have now are because I'm too weak to face reality. Trust me when I say that I'm mentally strong enough to telekinetically break titanium. Many of the reasons why I'm dealing with what I'm dealing with no is becasue I haven't properly addressed all the things that were troubling me before, and they were still locked deep within my subconscious. But that's changing and I'm addressing it head on now. This is just one challenge that I'm going to destroy because I never have, and will never face anything that's too much for me.

But overall, I know you mean well, and I appreciate you trying to help. Thank you.

About 8 months ago I PM'd you @Ninjakid, when I was all up in my head stressed out because I had a hard time coming up with a new business. You gave me this advice among other things:

"...What I noticed is the more I thought about, and the more I was anxious about it, the harder it became. Adding to that, I didn't have any other source of income at that time so there was DEFINITELY pressure at the time lol.

So what I did was instead of torturing myself over it, I just decided "F*ck it, I'm not gonna think about it." And I just decided I would spend my day doing martial arts, painting, hanging out with my friends and stuff like that. I just became care-free. You know what's interesting is that when I did that, decided to not give a F*ck, I actually had MORE creative and interesting ideas. Because there was less anxious clutter in my mind, so I was able to focus on an idea specifically."
​

And I HATED that advice lol. But then I wanted to get out of my head so badly that I just trusted you and let go. I 'stopped worrying and started living'. And it all happened just like you said, I stumbled upon some ideas out of the blue, worked on them, made more money than I ever had before.

So I just want you to know that you helped some dude you've never met in person, unconditionally, to make his life and the life of those around him better. I wouldn't be where I am today without your advice.

Do whatever you need to do to pick yourself back up bro, the world has a need for good people like you. At 22, you have a whole lot to give and receive in this world <3

​

When I read that, you actually made my day. One of the greatest feelings is knowing I helped make someone's life a little bit better. And thanks for the encouragement

This with suicide thoughts is an indicator to go get a physical to cross out biological and medical problems. The other going to a psychiatrist or psychologist to be evaluated and rule out other factors. Whether it's every day events and stress over a long period of time, or something more serious like a disorder of some sort. You have to understand symptoms can be similar in different diagnosis and untreated can run into major problems. As I stated before, even with depression and grief there are different levels of depression and severity.

This site might help you understand some things on false self or sub-selves and what goes on with thoughts etc. There are videos and a website when you're not working with a therapist. Peter passed away last week, but he's left a world of information. This guy also made this website and you tube videos suffering physically in a nursing home and thought his practice was over, only to find out he changed many people's lives.

It's important to have the number in your phone, but also find a support system offline or group online for those mini-crisis moments when you can't get in the office for an appointment. Peter has a group on face book with other psychologists taking it over and interacting time to time. Observing the group, it's probably one of the most healthy one's I've seen. I don't know if it will help you, but does give you a place to go too if there's no one around to talk.

https://www.youtube.com/user/gercacn
https://www.facebook.com/groups/846121198782230/

I actually completely agree. I think I need to check actually biological factors and see if they may be affecting me. I should also mention that mental illness is quite common in my family, so it may be partially genetic.

I'll check out those links you sent me. Thanks

I can feel your pain too @Ninjakid, life can bring crazy things in our way sometimes...

Think of these negative thoughts, fears, and panics as a lesson, learn from them, and let them go... Without seeing the terrors, sadness, anxiety, and pains in life, it can be impossible to see the harmony, peace, and joy in life too... Maybe it's all there to show you the beauty of life, relatively...

Let it go, and congrats on quitting drinking man, it's a big step, but don't turn back; there's nothing in "the bottle" except instant gratification of the moment.

I can't say much, but definitely but maybe give yourself a slight break, get in touch with your "soul", if that makes sense.
I felt the way you did a few years ago, and "A Course in Miracles" helped. Putting aside the whole "law of attraction" argument, give it a try,
it'll definitely help you find mental clarity and clear these demons in your mind bud.

http://acim.org/Lessons/toc.html

And yes... Meditate... Try to observe these thoughts, don't judge them, just observe them.

You're a champion man, and a definite inspiration to me and many members on the forum, and I know you'll defeat these demons in the end. Keep fighting, and if there's anything you need to share or talk about, we're all here for you @Ninjakid...

You're right. I'm seeing this whole experience as blessing in disguise. I think over the years I've built up a strong ego, and that's how I would avoid facing all the things that were troubling me, but still moving forward in the world. But when you build an ego without a strong foundation, it breaks. I think that's what I'm experiencing now. This is a good time for self-reflection.

Like you say, without experiencing negative emotions, you can't know positive ones. As many poets say: "pain is necessary." Pain is necessary for accelerated growth. Perhaps what I'm doing in my life requires me to be someone who my older self couldn't live up to. So now this time is my transformation. It may be painful, but it will be worth it.

I'm going to check out that course you sent me. Thanks for the encouragement

@Ninjakid

Do the words below look familiar?



If that seems familiar, it should. You posted that in this thread. You echo Friedrich Nietzsche in that thread ("sheer iron-willpower").

Concentrate deeply. Can you recall how you felt when you typed that? Bring that back. Summon the return of that mind state.

The OP in this thread paint your words in full context. Read between the lines, and your reader can see your fighting spirit. Just as we ultimately judge athletes by their and the weight they can handle, life judges you the same way. Understand, my friend, that the weight you struggle with will only make you stronger.

This thread will make your life's story more interesting. Much later in life, as you reflect upon the path you took to success, you will remember the time that you felt like quitting.

You will remember how you pushed past the feelings you felt when you wrote the OP, and how you oddly felt stronger after enduring them.

You will discover that no therapist can help you, other than listen to you and point you in the right direction.

You will, "through sheer iron-willpower."

Uber, I tried just what you said. I reread those words, and brought to my attention that I wrote those, and at some time, I felt those truly in my heart enough to share them.

I felt my energy change because suddenly I was embodying a different mental state. It's like the me that was feeling hurt and lost before suddenly faded. Really our thought processes are not objective. They're more like outfits we choose to wear, and we can change to a new paradigm if we can bring back that feeling.

So I'm going to use this method you shared with me as a tool to change my energy if ever I may need it.

I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate you sharing this insight with me.

Thank you

Ninjakid, just remember that although procrastinating is often negative there are a few things that should be perpetually left for "a tomorrow". Dying is one of them. Drinking alcohol is another one. There's always a tomorrow to die, so there's no need to do it today.

You are coming from drinking alcohol everyday, your body is messed up. Doesn't matter if it was just a glass of wine or a full bottle of Jack, your body and your brain think that your natural status is with alcohol. Tell them to stfu because your willpower is the boss, not your chemical imbalances.
Obviously the situation is complex, and as they told you get some professional help. That's what they are there for, and you know one thing? You want other people to be happy right? Show to the caseworker that you succeeded, and he will be happy and he will know that his job is really meaningful.

We have all been through bad times. You are no weaker than most of the people that made it through; you're active on this forum, so you're stronger by definition.

You know I used to tell people that I like drinking and I would have it no other way.

Looking back on it, I think, "wow you were stupid."

I even acknowledged that the reason I liked it was because it would numb my thoughts and calm my body down. But I knew in my heart that something numbing my thoughts was just keeping me from being the best version of myself.

Especially since I have seen so many people in my family destroy their lives over alcohol and drug abuse, I should want better for myself. I told myself that just because I was "functional" that it didn't matter and I needed it to function. Because I'm young I've likely messed up my body and brain, so it may take a bit to recover, but I'll get there.

I'm going to make a ton of people feel good by succeeding. I have lots of people counting on me too, so I can't let them down.

Thanks for the encouragement

 

[Ninjakid]

Had to cut this post in half because it exceeded the 20,000 character limit lol

Agreed, the worst thing to say to someone who is going through depression is "Suck it up". You can't just suck it up!

and

Please call this, they're real people who have been through the same stuff. I've called numerous times and still do. Makes me feel 1000x better about myself, and makes you understand why you need to keep fighting.

Right now I don't need to call because I feel fine at the moment. I'll let them focus their resources and time on people who are facing a dire circumstance right now.

Thanks, and if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me

Just know you will get through this, I have gone through a lot of what you described. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I've been taking medicine and it does help a bit but it's still present within me. One thing I recommend is to try meditation and start eating healthy/working out. That's really helped me, they're all natural ways to help and try to cut out all caffeine. Good luck to you!

I will admit, I do love my coffee though. It's a family favourite.

I took medication before too. I weaned myself off of it though because it wasn't really working, and I didn't want to be dependent on drugs. When I told my doctor he just gave me a bigger dose which made me high when I first took it lol. I remember running from my house to my school and everyone was like, "what's wrong with you?" Some people I think it's helpful for, but some people it isn't. I personally think it just makes things worse becasue it numbs the parts of your brain where you feel emotion, and feeling emotion is a good thing. But if a person is severely depressed, being on the meds is probably the lesser of two weevils.

I agree that exercising and eating well is essential. Also, I recommend doing juicing. It's a convenient way to get a ton of fruits and vegetables, and you'll notice how much better you feel after you have it regularly.

Also if you ever want to talk, PM me.

Thanks

Pull yourself up by the boot straps
You're a victim
You're lazy
and more tend to be trigger words. Emotionally charged. Someone in the past stated these same words. They're words. Symbols and usually a negative perception. Be neutral about them. Anger, frustration, fear, and in anxiety mode. Don't react to the words. Self talk with positive statement. "Keep moving forward" I feel the emotional and mental pain, but I can move forward. It's not my destiny. Temporary. It maybe here today, but it may not be here tomorrow.

Consciousness: Past & Future
Subconsciousness: Only understands right now.

Goal get Consciousness in alignment with Sub.

Information and experience form beliefs.

Information: Five senses: See, smell, hear, taste, feel in your environment (Negative or Positive)
Experience: What you've experienced that has a negative trigger or positive trigger tells you now it will happen again.
You decide how you perceive this event, and whether you take it personally, or detach from the emotional trigger and let it go and be neutral about it. If you're reacting you're allowing it to harm you. If you're not taking it personally, you're responding. Every time you're on here or anywhere else, keep practicing. When there's a trigger word, where is the root of it? Where did it come from in your past? Acknowledge it, and let it go. Forgive it. Is it true about you? It is something you can overcome? Is it something you can change? Probably. What's the issue and what's the problem? What's the solution? How can I act differently or think differently to the situation? Do I have to allow it to be emotionally charged? No. Is it always about you? No. It is a combination of being unaware and ignorant on one side or the other. Know whose issue it is?

I've noticed how much of our reality is really the things we tell ourselves, and less of what's actually real. But then again, what is real when the vast majority of the physical world is actually empty space?

I think these exercises would be great at detoxifying my mind from some of the negative lingering beliefs I've carried with me for much of my life. Thanks!

I'm glad to hear your son was able to overcome his A.D.H.D. I hope he's not taking medication for it.

You didn't choose this road because you're easily defeated. You chose this road because you're willing to fight to overcome all odds. I guarantee you can rise above this. I believe in you. I believe in everyone here. Keep your head up!

Of course. I'm not posting here to tell you all a tragedy. I'm giving you guys a success story. This will be an inspiration to the people who read this in the future. When I'm an old martial arts master who lives in the mountains, I will teach my students about this.

Thanks for the encouragement