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- Apr 24, 2016
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Man... I remember the many times I did something, like touching a light switch, and it not "feeling right". Then I did it again for a specific number of times.
There were always "good" numbers. What numbers were good changed over time but one I remember as a kid was the number 4.
Why 4? Because we were Mum, Dad, my brother and me. 4 people.
So I would touch the light switch again. 4 times. Once triggered, anything less would make me afraid of something happening to one of us.
Wait. Did that 3rd touch not feel "right enough"? Let's do it again. 4 more times.
But... that's not a 4 now. That's 8. Let's do it 4x4 times to be sure.
Wait. That 9th time didn't feel right... and on and on we go.
There were day where I stood for an hour at a light switch just touching it over and over until it would finally feel "right".
It usually never felt right. I usually stopped when it felt at least somewhat right or I was too exhausted to continue.
That's just one compulsion of many I did. Most of the physical ones like that I stopped doing when I got older.
Now it's mainly the mental ones. The Pure-O ones as they are called sometimes.
I love your approach of rebelling against your brain. I approach it in a similar way. By not doing the compulsions no matter how F*cking difficult that can be at times. By stopping to mentally engage with the intrusive thoughts in any way. And by trying to understand why these thoughts occur to me in the first place.
I'm not there completely yet, but I am tremendously better and now know, that I can live a life without OCD being a part of everyday.
Do you really do it until it feels "right" (i.e. vague and intuitive) or is it because you're worried about something specific and sinister/ridiculous that makes you question your sanity?
My most recent hypochondriac demon was rabies. In 2021, I got bit by a small pet dog while on vacation.
I just wanted to give it my hand to sniff and decide if it wanted to interact with me, but the little shit immediately bit my finger and did that spastic, sideways head motion that dogs do when they want to rip something apart.
The dog was obviously afraid of me because it was shaking and I just calmly asked the owner if it was vaxinated. "Yeah, it's got a passport and everything".
So I was like, OK, whatever.
Since I got a nasty wound on my index finger, I got a tetanus shot from my girl, and carried on with my vacation.
However, as a few days went by, I began to worry my a$$ off about the possibility of the dog having rabies (even though it was a pet dog).
"Maybe it played with some stray dogs and got infected."
"Maybe the owner only vaxinated it when the dog was like 3 months old and now it's 7 and it has no active protection against rabies AND played with stray dogs while the owner wasn't watching."
"Maybe the owner lied out of fear and it was never vaxinated."
"Oh, well, if it dies of rabies in a few days then I'd probably get a call, right? But wait, how the hell would they find me? Would they announce it on the news? Would the owner even remember that a stranger got bit by their dog?
"Would anyone even give a F*ck?"
After about a week of this, I booked a consultation with an infectious disease specialist.
They said the virus was practically non-existent in our country and that the last case was 20+ years ago because a little girl played with wild foxes and got scratched.
However, they were concerned about my mental well-being and suggested the vaccine just so that I'd stop worrying about it.
I asked if they'd suggest the vaccine to their children given the circumstances I described. They said "No".
So I thanked them and walked out.
The end... NOT.
You'd think that after I met up with a doctor and got reassured that there was practically a zero chance of anything happening I'd simply move on with my life... but I didn't.
I read that the incubation period was normally 7 to 30 days but can take up to a year or two (and it's believed there was a case of someone getting it 20 years after they got bit).
So I spent a whole year worrying about it. Not every day, but I'd make a mental note of how many months have passed since I got bit.
I don't really think about it anymore. But it was f*cked up. I hate hypochondria.
And people who don't have it think it's just a matter of "googling too much".
No, it's a matter of one's brain going: "Well, have you considered this extremely unlikely yet still real possibility of a brutal, tragic, and preventable death?"
And what follows after that thought is what you just read above, lol.
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