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Where To Turn? - Spend My Savings On Life Or Buy A Home & Be Responsible?

Discussion in 'General Entrepreneur Discussion' started by Empire, Dec 12, 2018.

  1. Empire
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    Empire Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED

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    Hi everyone,

    This is probably gonna be a long post.
    I am hoping for any advice from people...any thoughts, opinions or whatever will be greatly appreciated.

    I don't talk to those close to me because they have their own crap to deal with, and truth is...I never feel right opening up to them.

    Anyway, it has been a looooong time since I last wrote a post here or even got involved in any discussions.
    I was hard at work trying to change things for the better...and it worked...for a while.
    I was going to come back with a new post detailing my struggles to achieving some of my goals and how I am going to do even better the next year.
    Of course, life had other plans for me and this year I discovered what they were.

    You see right now, I am at a standstill...my brain does not seem to want to get past this block.
    We all have blocks and we all find ways around them...eventually.
    I have had mind blocks too, but this one is different...this one also has me at a loss of enthusiasm and a lack of belief that I will even get close to my previous goals.

    Sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, but deep inside I understand only I can get me out of this feeling of..."nothingness?" I don't want to wallow around in an "Oh poor little me" state...because I know there are others who have to deal with much worse.

    The thing is...I can usually pull myself through and I think one of the main reasons for that is my ability to persevere and my stubborn need to fight and realize my goals. However, this time....I feel empty...like a part of me doesn't care.

    I know, this is all sounding a little mixed up but let me explain what I think the build up to this is.

    Early this year my dad had a second stroke. He was in the intensive care unit for around 2 weeks and his Huntington's Disease really took hold. He went from able to walk around and have basic conversation to pretty much being bedridden.

    He is at home where my elderly mum does her best to take care of him. I visit three times a week to lift him off the bed and take him out on the wheelchair, clean the bed and do the heavy lifting stuff my mum cannot do.

    Anyway, during his time in hospital I got caught up in the recent Cryptocurrency crash and lost thousands of dollars of my investments. That was another big kick in the nuts after watching my dad almost die in hospital.

    Taking care of my dad part-time is something I have had to adapt to...however, my online business has suffered. Last year I did really well publishing print books and was on my way to doubling each months earnings this year. If things carried on as they were in 2017 then I would be set to get a really good full-time online business that would need very little maintenance.

    Unfortunately, just a month after my dad in hospital and my loss of thousands of dollars I discovered that Amazon had changed something in their algorithm which dropped my books from the rankings.
    I lost 50% earnings each month from then on.
    Contacted Amazon...and their reply is the usual crap.
    So there is another kick in the nuts for me!

    At this point, around March of this year, I am beginning to feel it mentally.
    The sadness of seeing my dad in such a state where others need to feed him and change him, etc. My dreams of trying to build my business and save up for a home getting stamped on with one loss of earnings after another.
    It all happened too fast and I lost touch.

    This whole year I have barely done any "real" work on my business. All I can think about is how to take care of my dad and make things as comfortable for him as I can.
    On the days that I am not looking after him I just sit in front of my computer never really getting any work done...not creating any new books or doing anything positive really.
    I'm just numb.

    If it wasn't for the fact that my book biz is mostly passive I would never have made any money. If I had a regular job I would have been fired for sure.
    I still get monthly payments from all my books but not as much as I would have been earning if Amazon had not made any changes.

    The next kick in the nuts is that I discovered that my sister and I also have the Huntington's Disease gene. The tests are pretty sure we will get full Huntington's at some point from now forward.
    We are lucky, it will hit us late in our lives because I am in my late 40's now.
    It took hold of my dad when he was in his 60's.

    So yeh....I have some time before the shit hits the fan.....but something in me has changed.
    With all the crap that has happened this year...my enthusiasm has really disappeared.

    When I work I feel better because I can focus on a goal but with all this recent stuff...it is like part of me is saying, "What the hell is the point....every time you start doing well something comes along and craps all over it".
    Another part of me says, "Just have another go...keep trying...you will reach your goal".
    Unfortunately, the later voice is not as powerful as it used to be.

    Now watching my dad deteriorate I know this will be me and my sister sometime in the future. Bedridden with someone feeding me and wiping my a$$......IF I have enough savings to pay for care, (I am not married or have kids).

    So there you have it.....I am in some kind of mind block.
    If I am going to be immobile in 15 years what the heck am I going to do? Do I take what savings I have now , (they are not even $50,000), and just blow it traveling the world? There will be no security for me there.
    Just go on adventures and to hell with the disease?!

    Do I put my savings down as a big deposit for a house for myself and just try to carry on working and living a life as normal...be responsible and prepare for the future?

    I'm stuck...confused and cannot focus on even the smallest of steps to take forward because i do not know what that step should be!

    I know one of the reasons I am having a hard time creating new goals for next year is because I just could not leave my dad as he is now. I don't feel as though I give a crap about myself anymore.

    I let myself go....unhealthy...got very fat...unhappy and generally angry and bitter a lot of the time.
    These are all bad for me and those around me. I don't date or socialize....I just "stay away".
    All things I can fix myself....I have done it before....however the enthusiasm...the "purpose" is not there this time. I have lost my direction.

    I don't know....
    If any of you made it to the last few lines here I apologize if this all sounds whiny and weak.
    I really don't know what I hoped to achieve from this.
    I guess I just wanted to share with those who I know have seen much worse than me and that understand that sometimes you gotta let it out.

    I am kinda stuck guys.
    I don't need much.....advice...thoughts...opinions...a little nudge...a point in the right direction...anything that will break me free of this so as I can get off my a$$ and fight again to build up a business and improve on my health and life in general.

    Anyway, I better go and see if i can do something for today.

    Thank you for reading, (listening).

    Andy
     
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2018
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  2. sparechange
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    sparechange Gold Contributor Speedway Pass

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    wow crazy read, and a really tough spot...

    Please don't take this as professional advice , but have you considered maybe getting involved with real estate? If you have enough cash for a home how about getting a duplex or multi unit building?

    Let other people pay your mortgage & scale your AMZ business with the down time with an actual product besides books.
     
  3. Phikey
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    Phikey Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane

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    The first thing I'd say is good work reaching out for help here. That's the first step. Admitting you're in a terrible place... Now you can work on getting out of there. It's pretty hard to do it on your own.
    Here's what I would do:
    1. Figure out your goal. You've talked about this in your post but even if it's taking your amazon book writing and scaling it up to a goal revenue.
    2. Work backwards and write out all the steps to get there. Create SMART goals (Google this if you haven't heard it before). Make sure they are measurable. Break it down to absolute baby steps what you need to do to get there.
    3. Do the work, each day, consistently. Track your progress, and calibrate depending on how you go.

    It's easier said than done. Here's what I did to do it:/

    1. Figure out your goal
    I was browsing these forums and saw someone providing an Accountability Partner service. I went googling and found one to use and signed up and it helped me a lot. Maybe it could help you too? Basically, you just meet with them once or twice a week and the keep you accountable for your goals and what you need to do to get there. The first meeting the dive deep, asking a lot of questions to figure out what you actually want in life and business. They then help you work backwards to figure out what you need to do to get there.
    Now you have a list of what you need to do. So how do you actually get it done?
    It's easy to say to just do the things. but I've had the similar feeling of just staring at your screen, feeling numb, not feeling like doing the work.

    2. Work backwards from there
    The accountability partner then helped me work backwards by figuring out how many clients I needed to hit my goal. If It was within 12 months then how many clients I needed per month. How would I get those clients? What were my conversion rates? How many cold emails would I need to send with those stats in mind? Ok, so what do I need to do each day now to make that happen.
    You'll create a big plan of this stuff. It's daunting looking at it, so you break it down into daily/hourly bites so you know what you need to do in the moment.

    3. Doing the actual work.
    This is the hard bit. You know what you have to do, now actually doing it can be hard (mentally). I was like you, just staring at my computer feeling numb, not knowing how to just start. Then I found Focusmate. It's basically an accountability partner for that hour at a time. It sets you up with a random person for the hour, you tell them what you are working on, and then you just get to work. Sounds strange but it works like magic. Since finding it I have gotten so much work done. I turn it on and get shit done.

    This is my process. Might work for you, might not. I hope this helps.
     
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  4. Thomas Baptiste
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    Thomas Baptiste Third of His Name Read Millionaire Fastlane FASTLANE INSIDER Speedway Pass

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    Man let me tell you something. Regardless of your feelings and experiences life is going to kick the sh*t out of you and move on.

    A bit of my background:

    (In 2017, about 1 year ago, before I even read TMF and knew about this forum)
    My country and place of residence was struck by the worst storm in it's history. A hurricane so powerful that no single household was left intact. Man everyone in my country got hit bad. I'm lucky I just lost my roof and had some flooding, but the majority of people here lost everything they owned. The Nature Isle of the Caribbean became nothing more than a wasteland, after a storm battered us with 150mph+ winds and sea swells for 7-8 hours straight. Honestly man, I wasn't ready for the devastation I saw. I had no idea how the next couple of years of my life were gonna go. It depressed me knowing that all the money that was supposed to go towards my college education had to be used to repair a house that insurance failed to cover. There goes a personally funded education. There were times that I was forced to do nothing and I could only wait for the next day to come. That was in September of 2017. Fast forward to January 2018, I go back to my backbreaking slowlane job and apply to several colleges with the hope of having it government funded. I start reading more and encounter TMF which honestly gave my ambitions direction. Here we are now in December 2018. Government funding isn't possible so I can't go to college. I quit my slow-lane job and landed an internship with a small business here with fastlane principles and goals, but a lot of work. My aunt just had a heart attack and the family is going through a tough time. I've been through so much bs and I actually have to pay to write these messages on the forum because internet access here is still pretty limited.

    However through it all I have a clear ambition man. I've been in your shoes and I understand the pain of what you're going through. However don't ever let depression hold you down. It is easier said than done, but force yourself to struggle through. From my experience the worst thing to do is nothing. Do something. With each action your motives will get clearer and stronger! Trust me, I did and I feel more focused than ever before.
     
  5. Private Witt
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    Private Witt Bronze Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane Speedway Pass

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    Thank you for sharing your story. You have had a lot thrown at you. You clearly have talent if you were able to build an income around publishing like you have. If you can scale a bit with writing could you double or more your income? Maybe travel and write?

    I personally have suffered from addiction and depression issues and have been fighting hard-core the last few years and have learned to just live my life to fullest daily, stay active, be healthy, clean my home, dont isolate, go to my 12 step meetings, and prepare for the long haul.
     
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  6. Get Right
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    Get Right Legendary Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED FASTLANE INSIDER Speedway Pass LEGENDARY CONTRIBUTOR Summit Attendee

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    First of all - digital hug @Empire

    I see the loss in your post. But I also see your blessings. The love for your Dad. The fight to get up again. Your ability to build something. The concern for your sister. The knowledge that all our time on earth is limited.

    If you were my son I would be proud. I would be even prouder if you got off that mat one more time.
     
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  7. Bekit
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    Bekit Gold Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane FASTLANE INSIDER Speedway Pass

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    Hey Andy,

    *hugs*

    Thanks for sharing your story. You're in a really hard spot.

    You described what seems to you to be an unusual experience of numbness and lack of motivation. You've been through tough times like this, but never with this kind of emptiness before. And you don't know what it is or where it's coming from or why it's there or how to break out of it.

    It's pretty clear to me that you're experiencing GRIEF.

    You're grieving your dad.

    No, he hasn't passed away yet, but you're grieving now.

    Grief changes you. It saps you. It hits you in the heart. It hurts in the deepest place. It hollows out a hole in you that will never be filled. It wounds you with a scar that will never fully heal.

    Grief attacks you precisely at the point of the strongest force in the universe, love, and it strips you bare, robs you of what you love, and tramples you in the process.

    To boot, you grieve every loss differently. So even if you've grieved before, new grief can still throw you for a loop.

    And when a person is grieving, it is very, very hard to make any major decisions. I would hold off for at least a year. Don't make any sudden moves or any drastic decisions. Wait on that trip. Wait on that house.

    Just give yourself permission to grieve. Treat yourself with a TON of compassion right now.

    Don't beat yourself up. Grief is already beating you up. Don't gang up with it against yourself.

    If you think it would help, explore grief counseling. Also, explore the options in your area for caregiver support. You need a break from time to time, and so does your mom.

    And if I may be so bold as to make a comment or two, maybe hold onto these points as a glimmer of hope and a bit of outside perspective on your situation from a stranger.

    The disease: You say, "The tests are pretty sure we will get full Huntington's at some point from now forward." It sounds like there is at least a sliver of percent chance that you will NOT get full Huntington's, ever. The tests are only "pretty sure." Maybe hope for the best, prepare for the worst? I just googled "can diet help with huntington's" and it looks like it can. If you knew that you could turn this around in the next 20 years through diet & exercise and NEVER get a single symptom of Huntington's, would you do it? Of course, you don't know that... but could you act as if it was true and start accumulating some small wins, thanks to this super scary threat?"

    The books on Amazon: It is a gift that you have the books as an income stream, even if it isn't what it should be or what it used to be. If you would have been fired from any normal job, you could have been reduced to zero income. But you weren't. A trickle is better than nothing... and maybe you can expand it back out into a flood. Maybe start a separate thread in the forum asking for advice from the people who are good at Amazon and see if you can get advice on the quickest path back up to a good income. Try to find thought leaders in that space who have an email list and sign up for their newsletter so that you get notified about their blog posts and webinars and stuff. Make it easy for yourself to be "prompted" with great content that can stimulate your ideas and give you action items that will be effective.

    The world tour: This was the title of your thread, so I'm guessing that you're giving this decision serious consideration. In fact, this title was precisely the reason why I opened this thread, because I have a story to share on a similar decision. For what it's worth, here's my story.

    It was 2005 and I had about $10,000 saved up. I had worked a minimum wage job for a year in circumstances where I had no expenses, so I saved practically all of it.

    So I decided to go to Morocco. I booked a 5-week trip and my college roommate and I had the time of our lives.

    While we were there, we decided to cross the straits of Gibraltar on a ferry and check out Gibraltar and Spain.

    Again - amazing, euphoric, beautiful, life-changing experiences. I was thrilled. I was having fun. I was drinking deep from the intoxicating chalice of indulging myself in experiences. For a person with only $10,000, I certainly was wealthy. I didn't have a care in the world.

    While in Spain, I decided that I had fallen in love with the country and I needed to come back for a year and study Spanish. So I did. I spent $2000 to enroll in a Spanish language course (which got me a student visa) and then I spent 8 months becoming fluent in Spanish and living on that money.

    I spent it all.

    I returned home, penniless but optimistic. "It didn't matter," I thought. "It was the best year of my life, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Now, let me buckle down and start to be an adult."

    But from that day to this, I have never again managed to accumulate the massive sum of $10,000 in savings.

    Instead, for the past 14 years, I have scraped, skimped, and clawed to make ends meet. I have worked up to three jobs at a time. I have had ups and downs, but have constantly felt like I was just hanging by a thread. If one thing went wrong, I was sunk. I was one step away from being homeless and starving. If I got sick, or wrecked my car, or had any one of the infinite misfortunes that can happen to a person, I would be a goner. I've been fortunate. So far, the thread has not yet snapped.

    But the fear...

    ...it's constantly nipping at my heels, driving me to the point of exhaustion, stressing me out.

    And I think back to 2005 and those beautiful $10,000 that I spent on an overseas trip.

    At the time, I was living in rural East Tennessee, where $10,000 would have been AMPLE money for a down payment on a house.

    Even today, in that area, you can get a sweet little house in good condition for like $80,000, though it's getting harder.

    In 2005, though, I could have had a nice little 4-bedroom house on 5 acres and paid it off by now. I would have a nice home base from which I could NOW save, travel the world, and have fun. Or I could sell it and use THAT money to roll into a nice down payment on an investment property instead of being up to my eyeballs in debt and having either the option of ever-increasing rent or binding myself for the next 30 years into the extremely unfavorable terms of a 0% down mortgage. I could develop all my entrepreneurial dreams out of a mindset of peace and abundance instead of working from a desperation and near-panic about what is going to happen to me when I can no longer work.

    Do you know how much peace of mind comes from not owing a steep monthly payment for your housing?

    Can you imagine how much relief and how much security I would have if I had made a different decision with that tantalizing $10,000?

    And your $50,000 is the same. It's a tiny amount of money, really. Depending on where you live, it's probably about as much buying power as my $10,000 would have been.

    So you have the option to set yourself into one of two trajectories. You choose the moment of spending the money, but you don't choose the destination.

    1) You travel the world. I can tell you are craving this. Your soul begs for solace. But traveling will not assuage grief, any more than a shopping spree would. Final Destination - where are you going to live, dude? This is terrifying! I've spent 14 years of my prime just struggling to get myself into a place to live. You don't have that much time. You'll want to pull out your hair and gnaw on your tongue if you get to the point in life where you're 60 and you have no place to live and you're in one of those stinky little run-down one-room apartments for elderly people--and THEN you get full-blown Huntington's. Scary scary scary scary scary scary scary stuff. I am terrified just thinking about it for you.

    2) You do what @sparechange suggested and use your money to get yourself into a duplex or similar investment property situation where you're living for free or almost free because your renters are paying the mortgage. Final Destination: You have time to invest in your Amazon research, create more books, develop other products to sell, or whatever you want. You have the money to pay people to help take care of your mom when she needs it--or pay for a breakthrough new treatment for Huntington's that comes onto the market thanks to research and technology. You have the stability and flexibility to operate out of a position of security, abundance, and peace because you're not in this primal quest for mere survival. You're not stressed out about finances. You're winning more than you're losing.

    Looking at this from my lens, you can imagine what I would pick.

    Would I go back and change my decision of how I used my $10,000? Obviously, I can never know what ramifications would have come if I had taken that path. I am almost certain that I would NOT be where I am today. Maybe I would have a whole different set of frustrations. And really, buying a house was the furthest thing from my mind at that stage in life, so it wasn't really like I SAW any other decision at the time. I just saw the trip, and I had the money, so I went.

    But you do see two alternatives. And you already have an income stream. With a little bit of love, it'll come back to full flow. I know you have it in you. So right there, you're way ahead of me. And there's no rush to make a decision with your money. Give it 6-12 months. You'll see clearer then.

    Right now, I think that your priority is to simply allow yourself to grieve, with compassion and understanding towards yourself and the recognition that any normal person would find this to be a hard place. You've experienced blow after blow, and you're still staggering to stand back up. Chin up. You're going to make it. Yes, you'll have some additional scars. Battle wounds. Sore places that never seem to heal. But you'll get there.
     
  8. Empire
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    Empire Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED

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    Sparechange thank you for taking the time to read my post and offer me your thoughts.
    Just by reading through this thread I can see that this forum was the right place for me to "ask for advice". So many amazing people who have taken the time to offer their opinions and advice.

    You mention real estate and believe it or not but that has been weighing on my mind for quite a few years now. You see I left my place of birth, United Kingdom, quite a few years ago now to move to Spain. I wasn't happy with where things were going in UK and just wanted out...to somewhere warmer and where people seemed more friendly.

    I used up all my savings to move and the plan was to work in Spain for a few years, maybe travel a bit and try to save up and buy a home some day. I just wanted a "base" so that I can have somewhere to come back to if I ever travel. Unfortunately, it didn't really work out that way and I have ended up living in rented apartments ever since.

    Apartments are fairly cheap here for what you get and I am near the beaches so I am not complaining...it is just not a good future set up. I am making my landlord richer while I eventually end up with nothing. For peace of mind...I feel that owning a home would help get that feeling of, "not being settled" off my mind.

    Moving here was not easy at all...I struggled a lot and so it has taken me a lot of years just to save up that measly $50,000 - (which is around €44,000..!!!). Not much for this day and age I know. For that amount I could probably buy a home in a Spanish village somewhere but I am not sure I can handle living too deep in the Spanish countryside.

    Where I live now is in a coastal town with modern shops which would be a good spot to have a home but I would need at least €90,000 just to get a small 2 bed apartment. I wouldn't mind a run-down place that needs fixing but most of these are found inland and miles from any amenities.

    So there is the option to maybe put down a big chunk of my savings to get my hands on a bank mortgage - (IF I even get accepted for a mortgage due to my HD...I would have to not tell the bank manager that I have HD). - I would most likely be paying a bit less per month from a mortgage than I do from my rent now BUT we all know we get shafted with bank mortgages.

    I have been holding off all this time so I can get a place in cash. To me cash is always the better way...buy the home outright, no mortgage...no worrying about interest rates..done!

    Problem with holding out is that time moves on, house prices go up and if your earnings don't also go up then you end up always two steps behind!!

    Then all the stuff that happened this year and finding out about my family history of Huntington's Disease really put a huge fire under my a$$! Now I realize that I need to get things done because when the HD symptoms hit me I will find things even harder!

    So yeh, this second half of the year has basically been me having a brain so filled with all this crap that I have become overwhelmed.

    As soon as I wake up in the morning I begin to TRY to get something done but with all these thoughts going around in my head I end up wearing myself out! Yes...I actually exhaust myself to the point of needing a nap, all due to too much thinking! AND it is thinking that never provides me with any answers to boot!

    My thought process needs to be broken down into chunks that I can handle but I first need to tackle this lack of enthusiasm and numbness which drags me down and gets in the way of me fighting for my ambitions.

    You mentioned:..
    "get a duplex or multi unit building. Let other people pay your mortgage."
    Sounds interesting.

    "Scale your AMZ business with the down time with an actual product besides books."

    Regarding Amazon I decided that it's not a good long-term biz. It was a good thing about five years ago but now I think AMZ will start pumping out even more rules regarding earnings etc. They are getting greedy and monopolizing the industry.

    I want out because as long as I use their platform I will NEVER be independent. Yes, I have worked hard enough to create a "work from home" career BUT I still feel that I am at the mercy of AMZ. One wrong step and they can cut me off just like that. Not good!

    I experienced this a few times with their Affiliate program, their KDP program and their iffy algorithm. I do not feel secure.

    So on top of all the other stuff I have been thinking about this year I know I ALSO need to find another source of income...one that is more secure and one that I have more control over. My book biz was meant to be something I built up to bring in a good semi-passive side income while I focus on building something that will provide me more control over my income.

    So yeh, right now I have a mental blank.
     
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  9. Empire
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    Empire Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED

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    Thank you Phikey for this detailed advice.
    You are correct that I need to break things down...I just let everything get on top of me and became overwhelmed; paralyzed.

    I had no idea there were companies that provided accountability partners. This is certainly something I can look into as soon as I can sort out what the hell is going on with me. There is some kind of "block" that I know is there and comes out in full force any time I try to build up some enthusiasm or "want" to improve my situation.
     
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  10. Empire
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    Thanks for taking the time to share your experience.
    I am sorry to read about the stresses and strains you have been through over the past year or so.

    You are right that I should not allow any kind of depression take hold of me. I do suffer from Depression but over the years I have learned how to "work with it" as it never really goes away for me. I know the "triggers" and I know what to do when it decides to "attack my mind".

    I can now work through a depressive episode within a day or so. In my youth I would suffer for months on end. So that, to me, is a huge improvement.

    Again you are right in saying that doing "something" is better than doing nothing. Even if it is a small thing it is still a step forward. This I understand, but for some reason, this time I am even finding it hard to find the "want" or motivation to even try to move a half step forward.
     
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  11. JunkBoxJoey_JBJ
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    JunkBoxJoey_JBJ Bronze Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED FASTLANE INSIDER

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    Hoping you can drive on to turn this ship around...

    Thoughts:

    *Food intake/habits?

    *Ever look at carbs, wheat, dairy, sugar “depression” “fog” and “focus” as they relate?

    *Modern medicine will only get better, do you really want to blow your savings? Who knows about the future.

    *Can you rent where you live and research investing your money in something else (example, real estate).

    *Avoiding too much research on any of this and just taking some simple action like taking a walk outside everyday as a start and small “win” for yourself.

    Best to you in your journey.
     
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  12. Empire
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    Empire Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED

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    Thank you for your reply and kind words.
    I am involved with non-fiction books rather than fiction. Unfortunately I am not a good fiction writer; I tried it and it is not for me.

    So earnings are not as big as say a fiction writer may be who has published a similar amount of books as myself. The big money is in fiction...but I am not a writer.

    Yes, I have scaled up my book biz. I got things moving in 2016 and in 2017 I benefited from all my hard work by doubling my monthly income. However, as I mentioned in my post, something happened with Amazon around early 2018 that affected my book sales in a negative way.
    On book forums some other AMZ publishers suffered the same fate with no explanation from the big "A".

    After that, my book sales dropped and my earnings dropped with them. I now earn what I earned three years ago! Actually, when this happened it did trigger a bit of a depressive episode. I became angry because I worked so hard and wondered why only a handful of people got shafted like this. The feelings of "What the hell is the point?.." began to get stronger around about that time. Maybe now I am feeling the after effects.

    Sorry to read about your addiction and depression. It IS a fight, and sometimes it can really take its toll mentally and physically. You are facing your demons and have taken action...I commend you.

    I know it is not easy because while others are getting on with their everyday lives people who suffer from depression need to work that much harder just to get through the most "normal" of everyday situations/circumstances.
     
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  13. Empire
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    Thank you so much!
    That last sentence brought tears to my eyes...in a good way.

    Right now my dad is the one who is doing the suffering, (as well as my elderly mum who has to look after him full-time when she should be relaxing). I am overwhelmed with guilt sometimes as I am not suffering from any of the Huntington's symptoms yet but still feel at a loss.

    My brain is still in working order right now so I want to focus on my business when I am not thinking of them. HD will get a hold of me one day but I don't want to spend my years focusing on that...I want to focus on an all-time goal of at least being a success in a business.
     
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  14. Aaron_S
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    Aaron_S New Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED FASTLANE INSIDER

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    I feel for you man. I lost my dad to cancer a few months back. My advice would be to hold off on the significant decisions for now. You aren't in a good place to make a decision with any resonable amount of confidence.

    Generalities that I would like to be able to tell to the me from a year ago:
    -Work on/figure out your goals.
    -Work on your physical health.
    -Work on your mental health. Try meditation. Take a short holiday or some type of retreat if you can. Just something to give yourself and your mind some rest and reset. Maybe check out some support groups. I don't like to socialize, but going to a group and sharing is actually very therapeutic.
     
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  15. Empire
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    Thank you for your kind words and thoughts on this.
    I hadn't thought that maybe this is some sort of grieving process for me.
    You may be right because I do have moments when I think of my dad laying there in his bed alone at night and I get very strong feelings of sadness and guilt for his pain and loneliness.

    With these feelings that come along I find it very hard to focus on work...to put blinders on so as I can target a specific work project.

    You are right that I cannot seem to make any major decisions. This has been going on a year now and I have held back on taking any big steps in a new direction regarding my biz and even personal life. Having said that I am starting to feel time slip away, especially after finding out I have the HD gene.

    The story about your travel to Morroco and Spain is sobering.
    Your "two trajectories" thoughts are also very powerful and have got me thinking.

    The "Final Destination" for your first point has always been a big reason why I haven't already packed my stuff and gone off traveling for a few years...."Where am I going to live when I get back?"

    You do make the second trajectory sound appealing...and safer. Basically saying that maybe I need to accept that even though blowing my cash on traveling the world may be a fun experience there will be a time when I need to come back...and when I do I will be in the same situation I am in now...only with a disease that has progressed further.

    Lots of great memories from traveling but now back to the stress of "what the hell am I going to do now?".

    Wow! These really are the facts...I can't have it both ways unless I miraculously make a ton of money in the next year or so! OR that I choose the second trajectory and find a way to secure an home base AND earn a good enough living to take smaller trips abroad, etc.

    This has been so helpful!!
    I need to let it sink in and then ask myself more questions.
     
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  16. Bekit
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    Bekit Gold Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane FASTLANE INSIDER Speedway Pass

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    So glad this has been helpful!

    One other thought that occurred to me is that you might also be grieving over your own health. We grieve when we lose something. When we lose something, it hurts. But in the case of your health, it's a little more complicated, because you're grieving over the prediction of losing something. And that is called foreboding, which can sap you of your strength as if the thing had already happened, even though it hasn't.

    One idea you could try to implement for this is to cultivate gratitude on a daily basis. Gratitude has a way of dislodging the thoughts of foreboding, moving them out of their entrenched little fortress, and replacing them with thankfulness.

    I'm kind of shocked that you could potentially get an apartment for 90k! So essentially, you have a 50% down payment that allows you to pay less than your current rent and then develop your passive income stream from there. How is that getting shafted? Even if you do pay interest to the mortgage company, isn't it a tradeoff that ends up in your favor overall? I'm having difficulty seeing a downside.

    Just have to say... you are totally a writer. I don't know if fiction is your thing or not, but you can own this one. I suggest standing up and declaring out loud, "I am a writer." And then go and use your pen to write yourself an income.
     
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  17. sparechange
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    sparechange Gold Contributor Speedway Pass

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    If you have knowledge of e-commerce why not head into that? Build your own website, have your own product etc. Be your own Amazon!

    Tons of great e-commerce posters here, make the goal of buying your own property and achieve that so atleast you have some security in your life. As you said you'll need about 90k euro and you never have to worry about living somewhere, this is a totally doable thing. Lets do it and make a plan of action.

    What are your next steps from here? How does the rest of your week look?
     
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  18. Empire
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    Thanks for your thoughts Aaron.
    I am sorry to read about your dad, it must be a tough time for you right now.

    I have had a few people mention that making a big decision would not be a good idea for me right now. I do agree with this but I also know what I am like...meaning that I need to do "something"...I need to decide something or I will just have too much time to think.
    I am at my best when I am bogged down with work!

    You are right in that I need to work out my goals, work on my physical health and especially my mental health. I feel that for me, once my mental health is on the up I find that the other two things - (goals, physical health) - kind of work their way in naturally.

    For mental health I recently took up pastel painting. What I like about it is that I can pretty much produce "something" in an hour which creates a sort of mini achievement for me. It keeps my mind clear however as soon as I am done with a painting my thoughts go back to "what the hell are you gonna do?"....Lol...what a mess!

    I think finding out my sister and I have HD kind of threw me for a big loop. It is like I split in two. One side of me just wanted to say, "F##k it!"...and just go off traveling and go on risky adventures and not think about anything. Just spend my earnings on building memories and having fun year after year until I am unable to go on.

    The sensible part of me wants security, to own a home, have a cat/dog, build on a business/brand, create enough money to have some "things" for myself and those I care about - (nothing extravagant) - to be able to maybe travel to places a few times a year and maybe....maybe, find someone to spend my life with.

    And so this is why I created this thread. Right now I have both parts of me duking it out to be the one on top.
    Lol...I sound like a nut job!
    I tell you, if I didn't see the humour of what is going on with me right now I would go completely mad.
     
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  19. Empire
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    Well there are 90k apartments around but not in the best of locations. To me the location is priority. In any case, I could probably have a down payment of 30% as 50% would wipe my account.

    Yeh, I see what you are saying. If I did decide to go down this "responsible" path it would be totally doable. Sort of get moving to get a home and maybe this would free up some insecurities I have been feeling.
     
  20. Empire
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    My next steps?
    I think I definitely need to sort out my mindset. I think that is a big part of why I seem to struggle with things. I need to find a way to deal with my negative voice. Begin getting into the habit of planning my weeks and not just letting things "happen".....begin taking control as much as possible.
     
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  21. sparechange
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    sparechange Gold Contributor Speedway Pass

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    Try channeling negative thoughts with excercising, weight lifting running or whatever
     

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