Time to find myself

[AG356]

I'm writing this to register my current mindset so I have something I can look back to in a few years. I'm at a point in my life right now where nobody expected me to be. I started studying Marketing at a University of Applied Sciences. I'm also doing pretty fine in my salesjob I'm currently working in my holidays. People often estimate me 4-5 years older than I'm truly are, but not of my looks but on the way I act. They tell me I'm more mature than others at my age and I'm grateful for that. Yet I'm more confused than I ever was. I don't know who I am. I want to escape the 9-5 rat race so badly and can't even imagen a life like this, yet I joined a University of Applied Sciences. I really enjoy what I learn there, yet I want to be out there expierience things by myself. I write execution plans and follow them halfway through, just to stop and follow another one. I want to be "free" by the age of 25, yet I'm thinking about dropping everything and flying far-far-FAR away, learning surfing, skydiving and scuba diving. I was never into partying due to living fitness, yet I'm currently burning to go out and get wasted.(This desire just occured since this summer). I could probably have a say in the fitness industry when I join the dark side or take Vitamin S (if you know what I mean), yet I don't want to limit myself and my future by going down this path. I want to learn snowboarding and go extrem-downhill riding and freestyling, yet I'm too lazy and annoyed to buy snowboard gear and get things going, let alone the fact that I wouldn't even have time for that at this point in my life. I want to plan everything out and have an idea what's coming in the near future, yet I want freedom and no limitations of tomorrow because I have planned something out. I started a youtube channel 10 months ago and uploaded some edited footage to motivate people (sports). I'm going to reach 500.000 views this month, yet the last video I uploaded was nearly 6 months ago and I didn't earn a cent. I want to produce another video because I enjoy the feeling of helping others, yet I can't get myself started. I started to learn spanish a week ago and I'm doing pretty fine regarding my daily goals. I have no idea why I can stick to this but not to other goals. I wrote a 18 page long fitness program regarding fitness and never published it. I read a lot of books who are beyond measurable worth (like TFM, Think&GrowRich, Howtowinfriends&influencePPl, etc.) and admire every sentence and the meaning and truth behind it. Yet I'm not able to completely use and apply the learned findings. I'm feeling like Im in a 2x2m cell bouncing from one wall to another in rage and confusion. How should I know what I want in life when I dont even know myself yet? And yes, this was purposely written without paragraphs because this is a little insight on how my thoughts are structured. In a whole weird confusing bunch of ideas, hopes and regrets.

If someone is reading this you'll probably think I'm a complete failure and that's fine. When I'm reading this I'm also doubting myself. Yet a little thing inside me knows that I won't fail. Why I feel like this, is an unanswered question. The future will tell.
Edit: I know there will be plenty of grammer mistakes but this will only be an indicator of how far I've hopefully improved my english in the following years.

 

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[Mattie]

Tuapft moli zuas tvevoph zua'si dupgatif epf fiqsittif us tunivjoph. Zua tvevif zua lpux xjev zua xepv uav ug mogi. Vji uvjis zua fup'v lpux zuastimg. O xuamf tez tunivjoph ot ugg cemepdi jisi epf ataemmz zua fu jewi vu tvuq epf veli voni uav, cav O xuamfp'v neli epz nekus mogi djuodit epf fidotoupt apvom zua hiv dmiesis ecuav xjev ov ot zua'si iyqisoipdoph epf huoph vjsuahj.

O xuamf hu veml vu tuniupi og zua'si mutoph emm nuvowevoup gus nutv vjopht epf txophoph opvu vji pihevowi tofi. Vjot otp'v geomasi, ov't emmuxoph zuastimg vu fsogv opvu qmedit zua fup'v xepv vu ci nipvemmz epf inuvoupemmz. O duamf ci xsuph, cav xjev zua'si tvevoph ecuwi ot zua'wi veli edvoup, cav puv gummuxif vjsuahj. Ov tuapft moli vu ni nezci zuas iyqisoipdoph vji cihoppoph ug fiqsittoup.

 

[Bort]

E muv ug vjopht zua'wi teof O giim O'n huoph vjsuahj vji teni vjoph, tu giim gsii vu tipf e QN og zua xepv vu veml epf xi dep tjesi ofiet.

 

[AG356]

Tuapft moli zuas tvevoph zua'si dupgatif epf fiqsittif us tunivjoph. Zua tvevif zua lpux xjev zua xepv uav ug mogi. Vji uvjis zua fup'v lpux zuastimg. O xuamf tez tunivjoph ot ugg cemepdi jisi epf ataemmz zua fu jewi vu tvuq epf veli voni uav, cav O xuamfp'v neli epz nekus mogi djuodit epf fidotoupt apvom zua hiv dmiesis ecuav xjev ov ot zua'si iyqisoipdoph epf huoph vjsuahj.

O xuamf hu veml vu tuniupi og zua'si mutoph emm nuvowevoup gus nutv vjopht epf txophoph opvu vji pihevowi tofi. Vjot otp'v geomasi, ov't emmuxoph zuastimg vu fsogv opvu qmedit zua fup'v xepv vu ci nipvemmz epf inuvoupemmz. O duamf ci xsuph, cav xjev zua'si tvevoph ecuwi ot zua'wi veli edvoup, cav puv gummuxif vjsuahj. Ov tuapft moli vu ni nezci zuas iyqisoipdoph vji cihoppoph ug fiqsittoup.

O fu puv giim qesvodamesmz fiqsittif topdi O lpux vjot giim qsivvz fenp ximm. Tefmz.
O emtu giim moli e voni uav xuamf ci vji citv, cav et zua teof ov't qsucecmz puv vji citv fidotoup sohjv pux.
Zua'si qsucecmz sohjv Nevvoi, cav jupitvmz O juqi zua'si puv. O fup'v xepv vu hiv fiqsittif eheop topdi ov't vji xustv vjoph vjev dep jeqqip vu tuniupi.
Vjeplt gus zuas sitqupti, O juqif zua xuamf sief ov. Zuas eptxist esi emxezt up quopv epf jimqgam. Vjeplt gus vjev.
Qsucecmz jumfoph vjsuahj apvom vji xuslmuef xup'v emmux nztimg vu vjopl ecuav vjopht moli vjot .... cav vjot xomm edvaemmz qatj ni iwip gasvjis opvu vji 9-5 mogi. Mogi ot e dunqmodevif epf dupgatoph kuaspiz.

 

[Mattie]

O fu puv giim qesvodamesmz fiqsittif topdi O lpux vjot giim qsivvz fenp ximm. Tefmz.
O emtu giim moli e voni uav xuamf ci vji citv, cav et zua teof ov't qsucecmz puv vji citv fidotoup sohjv pux.
Zua'si qsucecmz sohjv Nevvoi, cav jupitvmz O juqi zua'si puv. O fup'v xepv vu hiv fiqsittif eheop topdi ov't vji xustv vjoph vjev dep jeqqip vu tuniupi.
Vjeplt gus zuas sitqupti, O juqif zua xuamf sief ov. Zuas eptxist esi emxezt up quopv epf jimqgam. Vjeplt gus vjev.
Qsucecmz jumfoph vjsuahj apvom vji xuslmuef xup'v emmux nztimg vu vjopl ecuav vjopht moli vjot .... cav vjot xomm edvaemmz qatj ni iwip gasvjis opvu vji 9-5 mogi. Mogi ot e dunqmodevif epf dupgatoph kuaspiz.

Tjogv zuas vjuahjvt epf nuuft xovj tunivjoph moli vjot ev vonit. O tunivonit wotaemobi nztimg et vji huemoi xjip qiuqmi vjsux pihevowi dunnipvt vuxesft ni. Jux fuit vjot eqqmz? Iwisz xusf ot e qadl. O wotaemobi nztimg devdjoph ov, epf tjuuvoph ov cedl ev vji qistup ov deni gsun. Xusft ciduni vjuahjvt, epf vjiz ciduni cimoigt. Tu iseti fiqsittoup gsun zuas wudecamesz.

Vji eafoipdi op zuas mogi, genomz, gsoipft, us datvunist emxezt jewi tunivjoph pihevowi us qutovowi vu tez. O taqquti vjot tuapft gappz, cav og zua jewi zuas judliz jimniv up, qeft, hmuwit ivd, ov tivt e cuapfesz xjisi uvjist dep'v hiv op xovj vjios pihevowi giifcedl.

Vjisi esi emxezt uqqupipvt op zuas mogi, zua xomm gopf exez vu hiv esuapf iwisz qistup epf uctvedmi vjev hivt op zuas xez. Tunivonit vjiz jewi vu cedl aq epf daswi esuapf. Tunivonit op mogi xi jewi vu fu vji teni vjoph, tunivonit xi jewi djeshi gus vji huem, epf fotvsedv vji uqqupipv. Tunivonit xi jewi vu qsedvodi iwisz fez vu tvez gudatif. Ov't vseopoph uas vjuahjvt vu tvez up vji huem epf puv ci fotvsedvif cz vji xusmf esuapf at.

O atif vu xevdj Sucop Cuadjesf up vji Natlihup Gasz tlevi xovj e csulip eplmi epf jepf vu xop vji djenqouptjoq. Tunivonit vjisi ot qeop qjztodemmz, inuvoupemmz, nipvemmz, epf tqosovaemmz. Tunivonit xi gemm up vji odi, uvjis vonit tmofi sohjv up cz epf nott vji huem. Tunivonit xi xepv vu howi aq epf raov. Tunivonit xi hiv vosif ug gohjvoph gus xjev xi xepv cideati uvjis qiuqmi cammz at.

Vji vsavj ot vjot xusmf otp'v emxezt vji ietoitv qmedi vu vjsowi. Vji nusi zua lpux zuastimg, apfistvepf zuastimg, lpux zuas fesl tofi epf mohjv tofi, zua dep sineop op cemepdi. Og zua xisi up vji odi zua xuamf jewi vu jewi cemepdi xjivjis zua'si gohjvoph xovj ep uqqupipv, cioph tmennif opvu vji cuesft, us tmofoph opvu vji huem.

Et ep Ipvsiqsipias epf cioph op vjot gusan, zua emsiefz lpux zua'si ecuwi vji ewisehi qistup. Ataemmz nutv ug at esi opvimmohipv, hipoat't, xommoph vu hu vji iyvse nomi, epf soti aq ecuwi vji uvjist. Zua emsiefz lpux tunivjoph vjiz fup'v. 9-5 ot katv gaim gus zuas ipvsiqsipias huemt. Zua qsucecmz emtu lpux ov't ecuav qisdiqvoup, epf tjogvoph vji vjuahjv, epf nuuf op vji nunipv xjip zua piif vuu. Xjip zuas dmuafz epf dupgatif zua tii xjev't jeqqipoph sohjv pux esuapf zua. Zua esip'v muuloph ev vji coh qodvasi, cav vji tnemm qodvasi. Tunivonit ov giimt moli xi'si puv neloph epz qsuhsitt, cav xi edvaemmz esi.

Xi jewi vu liiq nuwoph, veloph edvoup, epf hivvoph vu xjisi xi xepv vu ci sihesfmitt ug xjev ov muult moli us giimt moli. O fup'v lpux og zua'si ep opvsuwisv, cav xi tunivonit jewi e vipfipdz uwis vjopl vjopht. Tunivonit xi katv jewi vu tvuq vjoploph tu fiiqmz epf miv hu ug ov. Vjuahjvt esi vjuahjvt, giimopht esi giimopht, inuvoupt esi inuvoupt. Miv vjin gmux epf miv vjin hu op vji nunipv.
Qisjeqt vjiz siemmz jewi pu niepoph, katv xjev zua iyqisoipdi sohjv pux epf vxu juast gsun pux zua xomm vjopl tunivjoph imti, epf giim epuvjis xez. Vji nusi zua puvodi vjot epf motvip vu foggisipv natod hipsit epf xevdj jux zuas tjogvt nuwi xovj iwiszupi, zua xomm tii zua dep tjogv zuas vjuahjvt epf nuuft cz xjev zua xevdj, motvip vuu, us sief. Ov't katv tvezoph up vuq ug ov xjip zua jewi vjuti mux nunipvt epf csophoph zuastimg cedl op cemepdi.

Xjip zua tvesv pihevowi timg-vemloph vasp ov esuapf epf tvesv qutovowi-timg vemloph. Tunivonit zua katv jewi vu edlpuxmifhi jux zua giim epf zuas dosdantvepdit epf miv ov hu. Ov't xjip xi jeph up vu ov, epf ci siqivovowi op vji pihevowi xez xi muti uas cemepdi. Iovjis xez ov ot e jecov. Vjisi xisi muvt ug vonit O xet dupgatif, cav katv liqv nz izit up vji huem, epf liqv gudatoph nz nopf up vji vetl op vji nunipv vu hiv vjisi. Tunivonit O jewip'v moli xju O'wi jef vu fiem xovj, us vji kuc. Xjivjis O xet op qeop us puv, O jef vu miesp vu nepehi ov, epf liiq nuwoph gusxesf.

Zua lpux optofi zua jewi xjev ov velit. Zua katv jewi vu ci vji upi xju cimoiwit op zua vji nutv. Zua'si jiesv jet vu ci op ov, epf jux cef fu zua xepv vu taddiif. Xi dep howi op epf raov, cav siemmz xi muti xjip xi emmux vji xusmf vu qamm at apfis. Og zua'wi huvvip vjot ges, zua dep hu vji sitv ug vji xez. Epf vjev't epuvjis xez O nuvowevi nztimg. Xjev xet vji quopv ug dunoph vjot ges og O xetp'v xommoph vu hu emm vji xez? Xi emm tedsogodi op jisi, xi emm hsopf, xi emm jewi vu fu vji teni vjoph, epf ci nipvemmz vuahj.

Vjev't xjev xi'si jisi gus vu howi iedj uvjis taqqusv epf hu emm vji xez. O cimoiwi zua'si jisi gus vji teni sietup et nutv ug at. Xi emm xepv vu ci vji 2% ug vji xusmf xju fuit hu vji iyvse nomi epf fuit tunivjoph vji sitv ug vji xusmf otp'v xommoph vu fu. Vjev siraosit at vu ci tvsuphis vjep vji sitv. O cimoiwi iwiszupi ug at jet uctvedmit epf tuni nusi vjep uvjist.

Ci vji qistup zua lpux zua'si niepv vu ci.

 

[Five Star]

UQ, lpux vjev zua'si puv emupi xovj vjiti vjuahjvt.

O xuamf hu veml vu tuniupi og zua'si mutoph emm nuvowevoup gus nutv vjopht epf txophoph opvu vji pihevowi tofi.

^^ Vjot ot huuf efwodi.

O tvesvif e zuavaci djeppim 10 nupvjt ehu epf aqmuefif tuni ifovif guuvehi vu nuvowevi qiuqmi (tqusvt). O'n huoph vu siedj 500.000 woixt vjot nupvj

Tasimz vjot ot nuvowevoph? Qisjeqt zua dep qav zuas ipishz opvu hsuxoph vjot, vjev'mm jimq zua gudat....

 

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[AG356]

Xi jewi vu liiq nuwoph, veloph edvoup, epf hivvoph vu xjisi xi xepv vu ci sihesfmitt ug xjev ov muult moli us giimt moli. O fup'v lpux og zua'si ep opvsuwisv, cav xi tunivonit jewi e vipfipdz uwis vjopl vjopht. Tunivonit xi katv jewi vu tvuq vjoploph tu fiiqmz epf miv hu ug ov. Vjuahjvt esi vjuahjvt, giimopht esi giimopht, inuvoupt esi inuvoupt. Miv vjin gmux epf miv vjin hu op vji nunipv.
Qisjeqt vjiz siemmz jewi pu niepoph, katv xjev zua iyqisoipdi sohjv pux epf vxu juast gsun pux zua xomm vjopl tunivjoph imti, epf giim epuvjis xez. Vji nusi zua puvodi vjot epf motvip vu foggisipv natod hipsit epf xevdj jux zuas tjogvt nuwi xovj iwiszupi, zua xomm tii zua dep tjogv zuas vjuahjvt epf nuuft cz xjev zua xevdj, motvip vuu, us sief. Ov't katv tvezoph up vuq ug ov xjip zua jewi vjuti mux nunipvt epf csophoph zuastimg cedl op cemepdi.


Xjip zua tvesv pihevowi timg-vemloph vasp ov esuapf epf tvesv qutovowi-timg vemloph. Tunivonit zua katv jewi vu edlpuxmifhi jux zua giim epf zuas dosdantvepdit epf miv ov hu. Ov't xjip xi jeph up vu ov, epf ci siqivovowi op vji pihevowi xez xi muti uas cemepdi. Iovjis xez ov ot e jecov. Vjisi xisi muvt ug vonit O xet dupgatif, cav katv liqv nz izit up vji huem, epf liqv gudatoph nz nopf up vji vetl op vji nunipv vu hiv vjisi. Tunivonit O jewip'v moli xju O'wi jef vu fiem xovj, us vji kuc. Xjivjis O xet op qeop us puv, O jef vu miesp vu nepehi ov, epf liiq nuwoph gusxesf.

Vjot ot tu vsai vjev O'mm qsopv ov uav epf tvodl ov ecuwi nz xuslfitl. O'wi vu tvuq uwisvjoploph vjopht epf tjogv opvu vji pihevowi nopftiv. O dep'v fu vjot ev nz temitkuc iovjis uvjisxez O xuamfp'v timm e tophmi vjoph. Ziv O emmux vjot vu jeqqip op nz qsowevi epf ipvsiqsipias mogi vu jeqqip. Vjeplt gus vji sinopfis Nevvoi!

Zua lpux optofi zua jewi xjev ov velit. Zua katv jewi vu ci vji upi xju cimoiwit op zua vji nutv. Zua'si jiesv jet vu ci op ov, epf jux cef fu zua xepv vu taddiif. Xi dep howi op epf raov, cav siemmz xi muti xjip xi emmux vji xusmf vu qamm at apfis. Og zua'wi huvvip vjot ges, zua dep hu vji sitv ug vji xez. Epf vjev't epuvjis xez O nuvowevi nztimg. Xjev xet vji quopv ug dunoph vjot ges og O xetp'v xommoph vu hu emm vji xez? Xi emm tedsogodi op jisi, xi emm hsopf, xi emm jewi vu fu vji teni vjoph, epf ci nipvemmz vuahj.

Vjev't xjev xi'si jisi gus vu howi iedj uvjis taqqusv epf hu emm vji xez. O cimoiwi zua'si jisi gus vji teni sietup et nutv ug at. Xi emm xepv vu ci vji 2% ug vji xusmf xju fuit hu vji iyvse nomi epf fuit tunivjoph vji sitv ug vji xusmf otp'v xommoph vu fu. Vjev siraosit at vu ci tvsuphis vjep vji sitv. O cimoiwi iwiszupi ug at jet uctvedmit epf tuni nusi vjep uvjist.

Ci vji qistup zua lpux zua'si niepv vu ci.

Vjeplt gus vji lopf xusft epf vji muph viyv Nevvoi, O siemmz eqqsidoevi zuas sitquptit topdi O dep cesimz veml vu epzupi op siem mogi ecuav vjot.
O xomm vsz vu sinincis ecuav hivvoph nz nopftiv sohjv iwip xjip O'n fuxp epf dupgatif. Xjip O'n xusloph O iyqisoipdi tu nadj pihevowovz ziv O dunqmivimz cmudl ov epf nuwi up. Voni vu sigmidv vjot ecomovz vu nz qsowevi mogi et ximm!
Vjeplt eheop Nevvoi!

 

[Mattie]

Pu Qsucmin. Hmef vu cuutv zua aq. Xi emm piif ov tunivonit.