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I’ve attempted to write this post several times in the past few weeks. Every time I stopped, but the issue just keeps coming back. I just had a hard time being honest with myself, but this time, I've managed to write most of what's been bothering me.
The truth is, I’ve never felt more alone in my life. I’ve trouble finding a girlfriend who would support me in my entrepreneurial endeavors, and I cannot rely on my parents for such support. They are constantly trying to push me to find a normal job, especially when things go bad, so I saved up, moved out, and barely keep in touch with them now. It hurts them, but I have to protect myself, otherwise, I feel their judgment/bad energy and it’s not helping. Especially my father... he constantly compares me to my peers which seem to be doing better. He tries to push me away from entrepreneurship, even though he is a business owner himself. I've told him several times that I will do what I want, but he just refuses to listen. I can barely feel him or my mother now. They've just pushed me so far away with their lack of support over the years when I needed it. I really don't know what to do on that end. It seems impossible opening up to them now... Actually, it's been like that for a while.
Funnily enough, a lot of people think I am ballsy and determined. I maintain a smiling face at all times, so very few people know what's going on inside. It's hard for me to be vulnerable, and I don't know why. I think it's also why it's taken me so long to write this post.
From the outside, I quit my job, attempted to launch a business, failed, started freelancing, moved out of my parents’ place, bought a piano. Life seems good.
However, from the inside, I know I am spending a lot of time playing PC games, especially when I don’t have work. I kind of do it to just forget about reality for a while, as it could be hard. I’m also gaining weight and I’m feeling really bad about my body (was shredded before, now it’s a different story…). I barely have any motivation to do anything.
I also barely have friends that could understand my struggle. When I talk to the ones that have the stability of a normal job and I start sharing my struggles, especially when things are going bad, I can feel how they are looking down on me. The kind of energy that says "sucks for you, and I am glad I am not you". They also tend to give me advice, which they haven't really put to the test...
When business is going well, I feel like I am on top of the world, but when it’s going bad, I just feel horrible, like right now. Also, most of my friends started buying their first cars, or are saving towards purchasing a home, while I am nowhere near that. It makes me question if my decision to pursue entrepreneurship was the right one. Honestly, it feels right, but there is this silent voice whispering "What if?".
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret quitting my job and doing what I am doing. I’m happy about that, but it’s so hard on the emotional side. Especially the loneliness. I’ve been lonely most of my life, but recently the pressure I feel inside has increased. There’s just this void inside of me.
I just had to get this off my chest.
The truth is, I’ve never felt more alone in my life. I’ve trouble finding a girlfriend who would support me in my entrepreneurial endeavors, and I cannot rely on my parents for such support. They are constantly trying to push me to find a normal job, especially when things go bad, so I saved up, moved out, and barely keep in touch with them now. It hurts them, but I have to protect myself, otherwise, I feel their judgment/bad energy and it’s not helping. Especially my father... he constantly compares me to my peers which seem to be doing better. He tries to push me away from entrepreneurship, even though he is a business owner himself. I've told him several times that I will do what I want, but he just refuses to listen. I can barely feel him or my mother now. They've just pushed me so far away with their lack of support over the years when I needed it. I really don't know what to do on that end. It seems impossible opening up to them now... Actually, it's been like that for a while.
Funnily enough, a lot of people think I am ballsy and determined. I maintain a smiling face at all times, so very few people know what's going on inside. It's hard for me to be vulnerable, and I don't know why. I think it's also why it's taken me so long to write this post.
From the outside, I quit my job, attempted to launch a business, failed, started freelancing, moved out of my parents’ place, bought a piano. Life seems good.
However, from the inside, I know I am spending a lot of time playing PC games, especially when I don’t have work. I kind of do it to just forget about reality for a while, as it could be hard. I’m also gaining weight and I’m feeling really bad about my body (was shredded before, now it’s a different story…). I barely have any motivation to do anything.
I also barely have friends that could understand my struggle. When I talk to the ones that have the stability of a normal job and I start sharing my struggles, especially when things are going bad, I can feel how they are looking down on me. The kind of energy that says "sucks for you, and I am glad I am not you". They also tend to give me advice, which they haven't really put to the test...
When business is going well, I feel like I am on top of the world, but when it’s going bad, I just feel horrible, like right now. Also, most of my friends started buying their first cars, or are saving towards purchasing a home, while I am nowhere near that. It makes me question if my decision to pursue entrepreneurship was the right one. Honestly, it feels right, but there is this silent voice whispering "What if?".
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret quitting my job and doing what I am doing. I’m happy about that, but it’s so hard on the emotional side. Especially the loneliness. I’ve been lonely most of my life, but recently the pressure I feel inside has increased. There’s just this void inside of me.
I just had to get this off my chest.
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