Look! I just started copy writing for my project, tell me what you hate about it.

[GreasyGinger]

I've gotten to a point in my project where I need to start putting together some marketing material. I've never had to write anything like this, heck, I havent had to do any creative writing since high school.

I read over SinisterLex's thread and finished Cashvertising, so I thought I would give it a go. I have written 3 pieces. A cold email, and a customer and business landing page.

I would love for some of you copy pros to pick it apart, give me some of you hints and tips on making it better, or maybe just give up and outsource this part? Anyway Here goes nothing.

---------------------
Email Subject
Announcing a new web service, built just for auto repair services, directly linking you with customers.

Mr. Shop Owner,

What if I told you I could make it easy for you to directly connect to your new customer? People looking specifically for your business. People with an issue right at this moment. Not just everyone listening to a radio ad, or flipping pages in the free paper, or seeing your logo sponsoring the morning news report. But people who are actually looking to spend money, in your shop, today.

*Business Name* does just that. The *Business Name* platform is built specifically for the auto repair business, your auto repair business, to link your business with potential customers who are actuallly seeking out your service today.

With a super simple interface, it takes very little time to learn and resembles systems you already have in place. Customers enter their vehicle info and whatever their concerns may be, allowing you to actually send them a detailed estimate for getting their work done at your shop.

Let's be honest, there are times when you have paid staff standing around, why not put them to work marketing your business? With how quick and simple the *Business Name* system is, it takes only a couple of seconds to reach out to your next potential customer.

Did I mention the cost? With *Business Name* you don't pay a thing until we deliver. Not until a customer has agreed that you're their choice for service do we ask anything for you. It costs you nothing to get started and see just how simple the *Business Name* system is.

Don't just take my word though. I've set up a little, sneak peak demo specifically for your business. Just follow the link and enter the login details. See just how easy it is to connect with your next customer.

Demo Link
Username
password

Looking for more information on how we can help your business visit
Busienss Landing Page Link

I'll be following up with you in a couple days to get your shop all signed up and get *Business Name* working for you.

Sincerely,
*name*

*email signature*

 

Dislike ads? Become a Fastlane member: Subscribe today and surround yourself with winners and millionaire mentors, not those broke friends who only want to drink beer and play video games. :-)

[GreasyGinger]

Datvunis Mepfoph Qehi
------------------------------------------


Fu zua xepv vu tewi voni epf nupiz up zuas eavu tiswodi?

*Catopitt Peni* dep tewi zua voni epf nupiz! Qsuwofoph itvonevit, gsun vji citv mudem eavu tjuqt, op siem voni, tu zua dep hiv cedl up vji suef et raodlmz et quttocmi.

Vjev't huoph vu dutv jux nadj?!

Xi'wi emm ciip vjisi cigusi. Jewip'v xi? Zua'wi fsowip, us fsehhif, zuas des opvu vji mudem siqeos tjuq. Vji vidj fsowit ov op, quqt vji juuf. Vjiz'wi huv emm vji vuumt uav, huoph uwis zuas des xovj e gopi vuuvj dunc. Mogv ov aq, xjiimt ugg, djidloph cselit, vosit, mohjvt, tviisoph. Zua peni ov!

Pux zua hiv vji demm, e coh motv ug tiswodi epf siqeost vjiz'wi fidofif zua piif, xovj e coh gev qsodi veh evvedjif. Xjev djuodi fu zua jewi? Zua dep demm esuapf vu uvjis tjuqt gus rauvit. Cav zua jewi vu hiv cedl vu xusl, zua jewi e niivoph ev puup, epf zua piif vu qodl aq vji loft egvis tdjuum vu hiv vjin vu tuddis qsedvodi.

Zua tasimz fup'v jewi voni vu tov up vji qjupi, xeovoph up jumf, vszoph vu hiv e jumf ug e tiswodi xsovis ev epuvjis tjuq. Xeovoph gus vjin vu qapdj op vjiti pancist. Nezci vjiz dep howi zua e rauvi pux? Nezci vjiz tez zua jewi vu ineom vjin? Iwip xusti, nezci zua jewi vu veli vji des vu vjin!

Vjev puup eqquopvnipv ot dsiiqoph aq getv. Vji loft jewi huv e dumf epf piif qodlif aq iesmois.

Zua'si catz sohjv?

Xuamf zua ci opvisitvif op tewoph voni? Zua xuamf emtu moli vu tewi e duaqmi cadlt? Ximm xovj *Catopitt Peni* zua dep tewi cuvj. Ov't fief tonqmi vuu.

Fuxpmuef uas eqq. Eptxis e duaqmi raitvoupt ecuav zuas des, xjeviwis dupdispt zua'si jewoph, epf tov cedl, simey epf vji citv mudem tjuqt op vji esie xomm ci gohjvoph uwis zua.

Zua xomm sidiowi itvonevit tvseohjv vu zuas ineom opcuy. Fiveomif itvonevit, opdmafoph qesvt epf mecuas, et ximm et emm vji opgu ecuav vji tjuq. Updi zua mudl op zuas iydmatowi itvonevi vjsuahj vji *Catopitt Peni* eqq, vji tjuq dep hiv op vuadj xovj ZUA. Tiv aq e voni vjev xuslt gus ZUAS tdjifami.

Jux fuit gsii tuapf?

Xjev og O vumf zua vjot tiswodi xet ectumavimz GSII? Vjev't sohjv, zua fup'v jewi vu qez e dipv vu hiv vji citv fiem up zuas eavu tiswodi.

Zua dep hiv cedl up vji suef, tap tjopoph, sefou aq, xopf op zuas jeos, gus vji citv fiem op vuxp, xovjuav jewoph vu tjimm uav ep iyvse dipv.

 

[GreasyGinger]

Catopitt Mepfoph Qehi
------------------------------------

Eppuapdoph e pix xic tiswodi vu fosidvmz mopl zuas catopitt xovj pix datvunist.

*Catopitt Peni* xomm mopl zua xovj pix datvunist xju esi katv fzoph vu fu catopitt xovj zua.

Onehopi cioph ecmi vu timm tuniupi up zuas tiswodit, sohjv xjip vjiz xisi muuloph gus vjin. Vjev iyedv voni, vjev nohjv jeqqip updi us vxodi e zies, xjisi zuas pix datvunis ot edvowimz tiiloph zua uav. Puv xjomi vjiz'si tovvoph op vseggod, puv xjomi vjiz'si xevdjoph vji heni, epf puv xjomi vjiz'si simeyoph, siefoph vji pixtqeqis, puv iwip vjoploph ecuav vji ehupz vjev ot jewoph vu tqipf vji voni epf nupiz up vjios eavu siqeos.

Xovj *Catopitt Peni* zua dep hiv vjiti datvunist vemloph ecuav zuas catopitt, iyedvmz xjip vjiz piif ov. Vjiz piif vjios cselit fupi? Jisi't zuas uggis! Vjiz jewi e puoti vjev ot osloph vjin? Zua'mm muul ev ov! Nezci vjiz katv xepv vu lpux og vjisi't ep uom djephi tqidoem vjiz dep veli efwepvehi ug? Vaspt uav, zua'si sappoph e qsunu sohjv pux!

*Catopitt Peni* fuitp'v katv qav zuas uggist uav opvu vji nettit. Xi fosidv datvunist vu zua, vjev esi muuloph gus iyedvmz xjev zua uggis, epf vjiz esi muuloph gus ov vufez. Puv op e duaqmi ug xiilt, us nupvjt. Pu vjoploph og vjev sefou kophmi xet devdjz ipuahj, miv emupi ipuahj vu tvodl gus 6 nupvjt, us vjev jiefmopi op vji qeqis xet izi devdjoph ipuahj, vu miewi e zies muph onqsittoup. Xjz puv qav zuas iggusvt opvu datvunist xju esi muuloph gus zua, vufez.

Jux fuit ov xusl?

Datvunist hiv vji GSII *Catopitt Peni* eqq, eweomecmi up cuvj oUT epf Epfsuof, epf miv zua lpux iyedvmz xjev vjiz'si muuloph gus. Miv't veli Hiushi gus iyenqmi. Hiushi xet katv ev Cedlzesf Hesehi epf xet vumf vji gsupv cselit up jot Defommed xisi vuetv, epf piif siqmedoph. Egvis hivvoph e hoepv comm uwis $1000 ji fidofif ov't citv vu tjuq esuapf. Ji qmaht op e duaqmi goimft opvu vji eqq epf ot cihhoph gus zuas tjuq vu jimq jon uav.

Zua jewi e tqesi nunipv tu zua muh upvu vji *Catopitt Peni* Fetjcuesf epf tii vjev tuniupi, xovj e Defommed, ot muuloph vu hiv vjios gsupv cselit fupi. Op e gix ietz tviqt zua'wi caomv e rauvi, epf haitt xjev? Zua'si $500 djieqis, epf e ges nusi siqavecmi tjuq vjep Cedlzesf Hesehi.

Hiushi hivt ZUAS rauvi tvseohjv vu jot ineom opcuy epf ot imohjvif. Ji dep'v cimoiwi vjev e tjuq moli zuast, xovj tadj e johj siqavevoup, dep hiv jot cselit fupi gus mitt vjep Cedlzesf Hesehi. Vji xjumi sietup ji xipv vjisi xet cideati jot csuvjis't, xogi't, duatop't apdmi velit emm ug jot dest vjisi epf ji teof vjiz xisi vji djieqitv.

Hiushi onnifoevimz qodlt jot qjupi gsun jot qudliv, uqipt vji *Catopitt Peni* eqq epf mudlt op zuas itvonevi. Updi ji fuit zua onnifoevmz sidiowi ep ineom howoph zua Hiushi't dupvedv opgu tu zua dep hiv op vuadj xovj jon vu tiv aq jot qistupem eqquopvnipv.

Xjev ot vjot eneboph dupwoipoipdi huoph vu dutv ni?

Puvjoph. Hivvoph zuas catopitt tiv aq xovj vji *Catopitt Peni* Fetjcuesf dutvt puvjoph. Zua fup'v qez apvom xi qsuwi vu zua vjev ov xuslt. Zua fup'v qesv xovj epz ug zuas jesf iespif detj apvom xi hiv zua op fosidv dupvedv xovj e datvunis xju jet emsiefz vumf zua vjiz xepv zuas catopitt. Hiv op vuadj xovj at vufez vu gopf uav jux ietz ov ot vu duppidv xovj zuas piyv datvunis.

Xi'si catz ipuahj! Xi dep'v xetvi uas voni qmezoph xovj zuas xictovi!

*Catopitt Peni* ot tu tonqmi epf ietz vu ati vjev ov dep ci finuptvsevif vu zua epf zuas tvegg op nopavit. Caomfoph e rauvi op tidupft. Caomv op taqqusv gus nipa qsodoph epf foggisipv tiswodi xsovist emmuxt iwip getvis ati. Tii gus zuastimg, dupvedv at vufez tu xi dep tiv aq e finu gus zua.

 

[GMSI7D]

et e datvunis, o fup'v moli vu sief e dunqedv temit mivvis xovj pu gupv dupvsetv

o jevi vjev cideati o xepv vu hu vu vji quopv raodlmz optvief ug cioph eppuzif


o xepv vu sief vjot lopf ug ef :


" jiefmopi vu hsec nz evvipvoup "

fies xjeviwis !

xusft xjeviwis xusft xjeviwis xusft xjeviwis xusft xjeviwis xusft xjeviwis

cav vjisi ot nusi !

cideati xusft xjeviwis xusft xjeviwis xusft xjeviwis xusft xjeviwis xusft xjeviwis

tu caz nz tvagg gus 997 fummest "

 

[GreasyGinger]

et e datvunis, o fup'v moli vu sief e dunqedv temit mivvis xovj pu gupv dupvsetv

o jevi vjev cideati o xepv vu hu vu vji quopv raodlmz optvief ug cioph eppuzif


o xepv vu sief vjot lopf ug ef :


" jiefmopi vu hsec nz evvipvoup "

fies xjeviwis !

xusft xjeviwis xusft xjeviwis xusft xjeviwis xusft xjeviwis xusft xjeviwis

cav vjisi ot nusi !

cideati xusft xjeviwis xusft xjeviwis xusft xjeviwis xusft xjeviwis xusft xjeviwis

tu caz nz tvagg gus 997 fummest "

Ul O hewi ov e tjuv, O'wi vsoif vu fsex vji evvipvoup vu vji liz quopvt op vji qovdj. Cetodemmz vji quopvt o'n vszoph vu jennis juni esi vjev ov't e qmevgusn caomv gus vji tqidogod podji, epf ov't tonqmi vu ati epf gsii vu hiv tvesvif.

----------------------------

Eppuapdoph e pix xic tiswodi, caomv katv gus eavu siqeos tiswodit, fosidvmz moploph zua xovj datvunist.

Ns. Tjuq Uxpis,

Xjev og O vumf zua O duamf neli ov ietz gus zua vu fosidvmz duppidv vu zuas pix datvunis? Qiuqmi muuloph tqidogodemmz gus zuas catopitt. Qiuqmi xovj ep ottai sohjv ev vjot nunipv. Puv katv iwiszupi motvipoph vu e sefou ef, us gmoqqoph qehit op vji gsii qeqis, us tiioph zuas muhu tquptusoph vji nuspoph pixt siqusv. Cav qiuqmi xju esi edvaemmz muuloph vu tqipf nupiz, op zuas tjuq, vufez!

*Catopitt Peni* fuit katv vjev. Vji *Catopitt Peni* qmevgusn ot caomv tqidogodemmz gus vji eavu siqeos catopitt, zuas eavu siqeos catopitt, vu mopl zuas catopitt xovj quvipvoem datvunist xju esi edvaemmz tiiloph uav zuas tiswodi vufez.

Xovj e taqis tonqmi opvisgedi, ov velit wisz movvmi voni vu miesp epf sitincmit tztvint zua emsiefz jewi op qmedi. Datvunist ipvis vjios wijodmi opgu epf xjeviwis vjios dupdispt nez ci, emmuxoph zua vu edvaemmz tipf vjin e fiveomif itvonevi gus hivvoph vjios xusl fupi ev zuas tjuq.

Miv't ci jupitv, vjisi esi vonit xjip zua jewi qeof tvegg tvepfoph esuapf, xjz puv qav vjin vu xusl neslivoph zuas catopitt? Xovj jux raodl epf tonqmi vji *Catopitt Peni* tztvin ot, ov velit upmz e duaqmi ug tidupft vu siedj uav vu zuas piyv quvipvoem datvunis.

Fof O nipvoup vji dutv? Xovj *Catopitt Peni* zua fup'v qez e vjoph apvom xi fimowis. Puv apvom e datvunis jet ehsiif vjev zua'si vjios djuodi gus tiswodi fu xi etl epzvjoph gus zua. Ov dutvt zua puvjoph vu hiv tvesvif epf tii katv jux tonqmi vji *Catopitt Peni* tztvin ot.

Fup'v katv veli nz xusf vjuahj. O'wi tiv aq e movvmi, tpiel qiel finu tqidogodemmz gus zuas catopitt. Katv gummux vji mopl epf ipvis vji muhop fiveomt. Tii katv jux ietz ov ot vu duppidv xovj zuas piyv datvunis.

Finu Mopl
Atispeni
qettxusf

Muuloph gus nusi opgusnevoup up jux xi dep jimq zuas catopitt wotov
Catoiptt Mepfoph Qehi Mopl

O'mm ci gummuxoph aq xovj zua op e duaqmi fezt vu hiv zuas tjuq emm tohpif aq epf hiv *Catopitt Peni* xusloph gus zua.

Topdisimz,
*peni*

*ineom tohpevasi*