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Look! I just started copy writing for my project, tell me what you hate about it.

GreasyGinger

Contributor
Dec 12, 2017
26
80
25
33
Calgary
I've gotten to a point in my project where I need to start putting together some marketing material. I've never had to write anything like this, heck, I havent had to do any creative writing since high school.

I read over SinisterLex's thread and finished Cashvertising, so I thought I would give it a go. I have written 3 pieces. A cold email, and a customer and business landing page.

I would love for some of you copy pros to pick it apart, give me some of you hints and tips on making it better, or maybe just give up and outsource this part? Anyway Here goes nothing.

---------------------
Email Subject
Announcing a new web service, built just for auto repair services, directly linking you with customers.

Mr. Shop Owner,

What if I told you I could make it easy for you to directly connect to your new customer? People looking specifically for your business. People with an issue right at this moment. Not just everyone listening to a radio ad, or flipping pages in the free paper, or seeing your logo sponsoring the morning news report. But people who are actually looking to spend money, in your shop, today.

*Business Name* does just that. The *Business Name* platform is built specifically for the auto repair business, your auto repair business, to link your business with potential customers who are actuallly seeking out your service today.

With a super simple interface, it takes very little time to learn and resembles systems you already have in place. Customers enter their vehicle info and whatever their concerns may be, allowing you to actually send them a detailed estimate for getting their work done at your shop.

Let's be honest, there are times when you have paid staff standing around, why not put them to work marketing your business? With how quick and simple the *Business Name* system is, it takes only a couple of seconds to reach out to your next potential customer.

Did I mention the cost? With *Business Name* you don't pay a thing until we deliver. Not until a customer has agreed that you're their choice for service do we ask anything for you. It costs you nothing to get started and see just how simple the *Business Name* system is.

Don't just take my word though. I've set up a little, sneak peak demo specifically for your business. Just follow the link and enter the login details. See just how easy it is to connect with your next customer.

Demo Link
Username
password

Looking for more information on how we can help your business visit
Busienss Landing Page Link

I'll be following up with you in a couple days to get your shop all signed up and get *Business Name* working for you.

Sincerely,
*name*

*email signature*
 

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OP
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GreasyGinger

Contributor
Dec 12, 2017
26
80
25
33
Calgary
Customer Landing Page
------------------------------------------


Do you want to save time and money on your auto service?

*Business Name* can save you time and money! Providing estimates, from the best local auto shops, in real time, so you can get back on the road as quickly as possible.

That's going to cost how much?!

We've all been there before. Haven't we? You've driven, or dragged, your car into the local repair shop. The tech drives it in, pops the hood. They've got all the tools out, going over your car with a fine tooth comb. Lift it up, wheels off, checking brakes, tires, lights, steering. You name it!

Now you get the call, a big list of service and repairs they've decided you need, with a big fat price tag attached. What choice do you have? You can call around to other shops for quotes. But you have to get back to work, you have a meeting at noon, and you need to pick up the kids after school to get them to soccer practice.

You surely don't have time to sit on the phone, waiting on hold, trying to get a hold of a service writer at another shop. Waiting for them to punch in these numbers. Maybe they can give you a quote now? Maybe they say you have to email them? Even worse, maybe you have to take the car to them!

That noon appointment is creeping up fast. The kids have got a cold and need picked up earlier.

You're busy right?

Would you be interested in saving time? You would also like to save a couple bucks? Well with *Business Name* you can save both. It's dead simple too.

Download our app. Answer a couple questions about your car, whatever concerns you're having, and sit back, relax and the best local shops in the area will be fighting over you.

You will receive estimates straight to your email inbox. Detailed estimates, including parts and labour, as well as all the info about the shop. Once you lock in your exclusive estimate through the *Business Name* app, the shop can get in touch with YOU. Set up a time that works for YOUR schedule.

How does free sound?

What if I told you this service was absolutely FREE? That's right, you don't have to pay a cent to get the best deal on your auto service.

You can get back on the road, sun shining, radio up, wind in your hair, for the best deal in town, without having to shell out an extra cent.
 
OP
OP
G

GreasyGinger

Contributor
Dec 12, 2017
26
80
25
33
Calgary
Business Landing Page
------------------------------------

Announcing a new web service to directly link your business with new customers.

*Business Name* will link you with new customers who are just dying to do business with you.

Imagine being able to sell someone on your services, right when they were looking for them. That exact time, that might happen once or twice a year, where your new customer is actively seeking you out. Not while they're sitting in traffic, not while they're watching the game, and not while they're relaxing, reading the newspaper, not even thinking about the agony that is having to spend the time and money on their auto repair.

With *Business Name* you can get these customers talking about your business, exactly when they need it. They need their brakes done? Here's your offer! They have a noise that is irking them? You'll look at it! Maybe they just want to know if there's an oil change special they can take advantage of? Turns out, you're running a promo right now!

*Business Name* doesn't just put your offers out into the masses. We direct customers to you, that are looking for exactly what you offer, and they are looking for it today. Not in a couple of weeks, or months. No thinking if that radio jingle was catchy enough, let alone enough to stick for 6 months, or that headline in the paper was eye catching enough, to leave a year long impression. Why not put your efforts into customers who are looking for you, today.

How does it work?

Customers get the FREE *Business Name* app, available on both iOS and Android, and let you know exactly what they're looking for. Let's take George for example. George was just at Backyard Garage and was told the front brakes on his Cadillac were toast, and need replacing. After getting a giant bill over $1000 he decided it's best to shop around. He plugs in a couple fields into the app and is begging for your shop to help him out.

You have a spare moment so you log onto the *Business Name* Dashboard and see that someone, with a Cadillac, is looking to get their front brakes done. In a few easy steps you've built a quote, and guess what? You're $500 cheaper, and a far more reputable shop than Backyard Garage.

George gets YOUR quote straight to his email inbox and is elighted. He can't believe that a shop like yours, with such a high reputation, can get his brakes done for less than Backyard Garage. The whole reason he went there was because his brother's, wife's, cousin's uncle takes all of his cars there and he said they were the cheapest.

George immediately picks his phone from his pocket, opens the *Business Name* app and locks in your estimate. Once he does you immediatly receive an email giving you George's contact info so you can get in touch with him to set up his personal appointment.

What is this amazing convienience going to cost me?

Nothing. Getting your business set up with the *Business Name* Dashboard costs nothing. You don't pay until we prove to you that it works. You don't part with any of your hard earned cash until we get you in direct contact with a customer who has already told you they want your business. Get in touch with us today to find out how easy it is to connect with your next customer.

We're busy enough! We can't waste our time playing with your website!

*Business Name* is so simple and easy to use that it can be demonstrated to you and your staff in minutes. Building a quote in seconds. Built in support for menu pricing and different service writers allows even faster use. See for yourself, contact us today so we can set up a demo for you.
 

GMSI7D

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as a customer, i don't like to read a compact sales letter with no font contrast

i hate that because i want to go to the point quickly instead of being annoyed


i want to read this kind of ad :


" headline to grab my attention "

dear whatever !

words whatever words whatever words whatever words whatever words whatever

but there is more !


because words whatever words whatever words whatever words whatever words whatever

so buy my stuff for 997 dollars "








 
OP
OP
G

GreasyGinger

Contributor
Dec 12, 2017
26
80
25
33
Calgary
as a customer, i don't like to read a compact sales letter with no font contrast

i hate that because i want to go to the point quickly instead of being annoyed


i want to read this kind of ad :


" headline to grab my attention "

dear whatever !

words whatever words whatever words whatever words whatever words whatever

but there is more !


because words whatever words whatever words whatever words whatever words whatever

so buy my stuff for 997 dollars "







Ok I gave it a shot, I've tried to draw the attention to the key points in the pitch. Basically the points i'm trying to hammer home are that it's a platform built for the specific niche, and it's simple to use and free to get started.

----------------------------

Announcing a new web service, built just for auto repair services, directly linking you with customers.

Mr. Shop Owner,

What if I told you I could make it easy for you to directly connect to your new customer? People looking specifically for your business. People with an issue right at this moment. Not just everyone listening to a radio ad, or flipping pages in the free paper, or seeing your logo sponsoring the morning news report. But people who are actually looking to spend money, in your shop, today!

*Business Name* does just that. The *Business Name* platform is built specifically for the auto repair business, your auto repair business, to link your business with potential customers who are actually seeking out your service today.

With a super simple interface, it takes very little time to learn and resembles systems you already have in place. Customers enter their vehicle info and whatever their concerns may be, allowing you to actually send them a detailed estimate for getting their work done at your shop.

Let's be honest, there are times when you have paid staff standing around, why not put them to work marketing your business? With how quick and simple the *Business Name* system is, it takes only a couple of seconds to reach out to your next potential customer.

Did I mention the cost? With *Business Name* you don't pay a thing until we deliver. Not until a customer has agreed that you're their choice for service do we ask anything for you. It costs you nothing to get started and see just how simple the *Business Name* system is.

Don't just take my word though. I've set up a little, sneak peak demo specifically for your business. Just follow the link and enter the login details. See just how easy it is to connect with your next customer.

Demo Link
Username
password

Looking for more information on how we can help your business visit
Busienss Landing Page Link

I'll be following up with you in a couple days to get your shop all signed up and get *Business Name* working for you.

Sincerely,
*name*

*email signature*
 

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