Welcome to Anxietyland. Come for the knowledge, stay because of paralysis by analysis.
It's been a tough week. I feel lost. I received my Associate's yesterday, which I paid cash and took me forever but it's out of the way, ready to be used for a transfer if I ever choose to do so. I'm between therapy sessions but right now I need the point of view of people with fastlane mentality.
You see I know I want to be financially independent, I've got a plan for it. I'm gonna start with my multifamily home and be a landlady. That should at the very least give me extra income and maybe help me become part-time. Then I'll work on snowballing that. No rush, all ok.
So my meds are having a reduced effect lately and last Saturday at the therapist she suggested it's because I feel lonely and that triggers anxiety, but it's not clear what kind of connection/relationship I'm missing. She made me draw a flower. One petal was good friends. Ok, I got that. The other petal was my boyfriend. He's a great support. Ok. When it came to the family petal, I realized I wanted to exclude my parents. My house is kinda toxic, but that's another story.
So then... that was it. I only had two petals. My family here is my cat, and my best friend. Stuff is missing, I feel a void and I feel I don't belong. Chicago isn't the problem, I love this city, winter and all. I just don't "belong" somewhere. Anywhere. I'm not part of anything good. I'm grateful this job is not stressful at all and I'm very comfortable while I build my fastlane but I'm also sick of wasting 8-5 here.
Fast forward to the actual issue. Where does my drive for entrepreneurship fit in all this? I think it's because I feel part of my purpose is to give (another petal), but my goals keep changing constantly. I just don't know which way to go. I like sustainability and sustainable energy. I like philanthropy, so I've come up with a couple self-sustainable venture ideas to help homeless people. I like art, so I could go to school and become an art teacher, and encourage expression in kids, or an art therapist and help people with mental health issues, less impact but one at a time. My living would come from my real estate so I would go to school because I want to learn about either self sustainability, art, or something. Or just hire professionals for my ventures idk. I like the idea of growing food and giving it to the food depository. I could study political science and try to help pass good laws but that's a job.
When I was helping the Chicago Chapter of the UN Association, I liked volunteering. I served a higher purpose to help a better future. People seemed to appreciate me being there. But along with the fact I was leaving my relationship I got overwhelmed and stressed as I got into the director's board and I sort of meltdown quit in a very abrupt fashion, which still embarrasses me because I feel I let down a lot of people.
I guess my question is I know I can change lanes but which exit you take? What trade-off do you make, because you only have one life and can't do it all? I'll do the decision matrix thing and post what I get when I can...
Sometimes I do think that people in the slowlane at least don't have their minds worrying and rambling about this stuff. Their monotone, prescripted existence distracts them from the existential questions that drive me crazy. I'm scared one day I'm going to end up like Van Gogh and just... well you know how he ended. With two ears though.
Sorry for this long rant I'm having a particularly tough day. ):
B
It's been a tough week. I feel lost. I received my Associate's yesterday, which I paid cash and took me forever but it's out of the way, ready to be used for a transfer if I ever choose to do so. I'm between therapy sessions but right now I need the point of view of people with fastlane mentality.
You see I know I want to be financially independent, I've got a plan for it. I'm gonna start with my multifamily home and be a landlady. That should at the very least give me extra income and maybe help me become part-time. Then I'll work on snowballing that. No rush, all ok.
So my meds are having a reduced effect lately and last Saturday at the therapist she suggested it's because I feel lonely and that triggers anxiety, but it's not clear what kind of connection/relationship I'm missing. She made me draw a flower. One petal was good friends. Ok, I got that. The other petal was my boyfriend. He's a great support. Ok. When it came to the family petal, I realized I wanted to exclude my parents. My house is kinda toxic, but that's another story.
So then... that was it. I only had two petals. My family here is my cat, and my best friend. Stuff is missing, I feel a void and I feel I don't belong. Chicago isn't the problem, I love this city, winter and all. I just don't "belong" somewhere. Anywhere. I'm not part of anything good. I'm grateful this job is not stressful at all and I'm very comfortable while I build my fastlane but I'm also sick of wasting 8-5 here.
Fast forward to the actual issue. Where does my drive for entrepreneurship fit in all this? I think it's because I feel part of my purpose is to give (another petal), but my goals keep changing constantly. I just don't know which way to go. I like sustainability and sustainable energy. I like philanthropy, so I've come up with a couple self-sustainable venture ideas to help homeless people. I like art, so I could go to school and become an art teacher, and encourage expression in kids, or an art therapist and help people with mental health issues, less impact but one at a time. My living would come from my real estate so I would go to school because I want to learn about either self sustainability, art, or something. Or just hire professionals for my ventures idk. I like the idea of growing food and giving it to the food depository. I could study political science and try to help pass good laws but that's a job.
When I was helping the Chicago Chapter of the UN Association, I liked volunteering. I served a higher purpose to help a better future. People seemed to appreciate me being there. But along with the fact I was leaving my relationship I got overwhelmed and stressed as I got into the director's board and I sort of meltdown quit in a very abrupt fashion, which still embarrasses me because I feel I let down a lot of people.
I guess my question is I know I can change lanes but which exit you take? What trade-off do you make, because you only have one life and can't do it all? I'll do the decision matrix thing and post what I get when I can...
Sometimes I do think that people in the slowlane at least don't have their minds worrying and rambling about this stuff. Their monotone, prescripted existence distracts them from the existential questions that drive me crazy. I'm scared one day I'm going to end up like Van Gogh and just... well you know how he ended. With two ears though.
Sorry for this long rant I'm having a particularly tough day. ):
B
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