Judge my Product Trial Sales Letter

[Deleted29854]

I am preparing to send out a trial Trial/Product Testing letter to clients. The copy, envelope format, and structure has been thought out. I want to get your input. Interested in hearing your input on structure, layout, copy formula, and language. I've sanitized it enough to remove the product name, description, and personal details.

I've been reading Joe Sugarman to learn copy and you may see some of his axioms here. Assume the beginning letter of every paragraph is bigger font than the rest. Couldn't get it to format.

Keep in mind the goal of this letter is not to make a $sale but sell an idea for testing. I picked a tone which I thought best facilitated that goal.

All that being said rip it up, pay praise, or provide some criticism.

Cheers.

 

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[Deleted29854]

I am preparing to send out a trial Trial/Product Testing letter to clients. The copy, envelope format, and structure has been thought out. I want to get your input. Interested in hearing your input on structure, layout, copy formula, and language. I've sanitized it enough to remove the product name, description, and personal details.

I've been reading Joe Sugarman to learn copy and you may see some of his axioms here. Assume the beginning letter of every paragraph is bigger font than the rest. Couldn't get it to format.

Keep in mind the goal of this letter is not to make a $sale but sell an idea for testing. I picked a tone which I thought best facilitated that goal.

All that being said rip it up, pay praise, or provide some criticism.

Cheers.

OK, the doc didn't lay out the way I thought it would.

Here is the copy:



“Coffee and hamstrings, a physical therapists dream: I like one black and the other loose.”

“You have the tightest hamstrings I have ever worked on”, the physical therapist said to me, the 14 year old soccer player. Groggy and grumpy to be up @ 7 AM, I shrugged it off and went back to being half awake. A hamstring tear and years off from running, I now know that shrug was a mistake. I’ve always had a tight lower anterior chain. This past winter at the gym, there was an eureka moment and a product idea was born.

Allow me to introduce the product name which is designed to target the biggest muscle in the chain, the hamstring, with a multi dimensional stretch. <Multi sentence description on product, use, and benefits>. The GOAL (ole) of the product name is to do one thing in particular, get the anterior leg muscles warmed up a bit quicker so we can start rehabbing, exercising, and playing a bit sooner. Now you and your patients get more time focusing on movement and that is ultimately what we all want; isn’t it?

Of course it isn’t the only stretch one should perform, it is not comprehensive. However, it does speed the process along and over the course of a day that results in more free time. More time to see clients, to get invoices out, update your blog, and groom your lion, whatever. My goal isn’t to suggest how you spend your time but to provide a product that makes you and your clients lives better.

So what am I asking of you? To let me swing by with the product name and COFFEE for a 14 day test run of the product. I am only interested in your opinion and experience using the product. The goal of this letter is for you to sample this product with your team and potentially, your customers for two weeks. I will hand deliver it to you along with a box of Joe. So you get to sample a new product before anyone else in the market and of course, coffee. If interested in partaking in the test period; please e-mail address@gmail.com with your schedule and time you’d like me to come by.

Due to time constraints, we are only looking to have 5-10 practitioners sample the product at this time.



Regards,


ME

 

[LifeTransformer]

Sounds a bit too robotic to me. Added some suggestions and altered some bits below:

“Coffee and hamstrings are a physical therapists dream: I like one black and the other loose.”

“You have the tightest hamstrings I have ever worked on” is what the physical therapist said to me, a 14 year old soccer player. Groggy and grumpy because I was up @ 7 AM, I shrugged it off and went back to being half awake. "Shrugged what off?"

A hamstring tear and years off from running, I now know that shrug was a mistake.(what are you talking about?) I’ve always had a tight lower anterior chain. (How many people know what this is?) This past winter at the gym, I had (personal touch) a eureka moment and a product idea was born.

Allow me to introduce the product name which is designed to target the biggest muscle in the chain (We're made from metal now? Body surely?), the hamstring, with a multi dimensional stretch. <Multi sentence description on product, use, and benefits>. The GOAL (ole) of the product name is to do one thing in particular, get the anterior leg muscles warmed up a bit quicker so we can start rehabbing, exercising, and playing a bit sooner (this sounds a bit teacher to me, but not bad). Now you and your patients get more time focusing on movement and that is ultimately what we all want; isn’t it? (good question mark usage)

Of course it isn’t the only stretch one should perform, it is not comprehensive (remove the negative). However, it does speed the process along and over the course of a day that results in more free time. More time to see clients, to get invoices out, update your blog, and groom your lion, whatever. My goal isn’t to suggest how you spend your time but to provide a product that makes you and your clients lives better.

So what am I asking of you? To let me swing by with the product name and COFFEE for a 14 day test run of the product. I am only interested in your opinion and experience using the product. The goal of this letter is for you to sample this product with your team and potentially, your customers for two weeks. I will hand deliver it to you along with a box of Joe. So you get to sample a new product before anyone else in the market and of course, coffee. If interested in partaking in the test period; please e-mail address@gmail.comwith your schedule and time you’d like me to come by.

Due to time constraints, we are only looking to have 5-10 practitioners sample the product at this time.



Regards,


ME

 

[Deleted29854]

Sounds a bit too robotic to me. Added some suggestions and altered some bits below:

“Coffee and hamstrings are a physical therapists dream: I like one black and the other loose.”

“You have the tightest hamstrings I have ever worked on” is what the physical therapist said to me, a 14 year old soccer player. Groggy and grumpy because I was up @ 7 AM, I shrugged it off and went back to being half awake. "Shrugged what off?"

A hamstring tear and years off from running, I now know that shrug was a mistake.(what are you talking about?) I’ve always had a tight lower anterior chain. (How many people know what this is?) This past winter at the gym, I had (personal touch) a eureka moment and a product idea was born.

Allow me to introduce the product name which is designed to target the biggest muscle in the chain (We're made from metal now? Body surely?), the hamstring, with a multi dimensional stretch. <Multi sentence description on product, use, and benefits>. The GOAL (ole) of the product name is to do one thing in particular, get the anterior leg muscles warmed up a bit quicker so we can start rehabbing, exercising, and playing a bit sooner (this sounds a bit teacher to me, but not bad). Now you and your patients get more time focusing on movement and that is ultimately what we all want; isn’t it? (good question mark usage)

Of course it isn’t the only stretch one should perform, it is not comprehensive (remove the negative). However, it does speed the process along and over the course of a day that results in more free time. More time to see clients, to get invoices out, update your blog, and groom your lion, whatever. My goal isn’t to suggest how you spend your time but to provide a product that makes you and your clients lives better.

So what am I asking of you? To let me swing by with the product name and COFFEE for a 14 day test run of the product. I am only interested in your opinion and experience using the product. The goal of this letter is for you to sample this product with your team and potentially, your customers for two weeks. I will hand deliver it to you along with a box of Joe. So you get to sample a new product before anyone else in the market and of course, coffee. If interested in partaking in the test period; please e-mail address@gmail.comwith your schedule and time you’d like me to come by.

Due to time constraints, we are only looking to have 5-10 practitioners sample the product at this time.



Regards,


ME

Good points, thank you for taking a look at it.

-The shrug piece I am going to revamp. In my mind the story is clear but thats due to first hand knowledge. Will rewrite.
-All of the intended audience, physical therapists, will know what the anterior chain is. If they don't, we got bigger problems
-Good call all removing the negative. I'm going to cut that out.

Currently on the 5th draft. Plan on finishing this weekend. Will repost final product.

Thanks again.

 

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[MitchC]

This might sound rude (it's not meant to), but why don't you ring them?

 

[Kevin Peter]

Keep it simple.
Do not sell.

 

[JoeB]

This might sound rude (it's not meant to), but why don't you ring them?

Keep it simple.
Do not sell.

Completely agree with these, it's massively over-thought and over-engineered.

 

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[Deleted29854]

This might sound rude (it's not meant to), but why don't you ring them?

Good question. I'm in a full time job and want to test my written marketing skills. I've compiled a list of 100 potential users in my area and figure a "mass mail" will be less time intensive.

Thx for taking a look.

 

[Deleted29854]

Letters went out Tuesday night. First response requesting a demo came in this morning.

PSYCHED!