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How do I keep going when my world feels destroyed?

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Hey everyone,
I've been lurking on this forum for a while, and in February I quit action faking and started my own pressure washing business while working full time and going to college full time on top of that, in addition to my already existing hobbies. Business has been going pretty good -- I've learned a lot so far, and I've made my initial investment in all areas (marketing, equipment, etc) back already.
However, a few days ago, my brother passed away in a horrible way at the age of 26. It's pretty much shattered my world and I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty, but I feel insanely destroyed and don't know how to get back to that original spark, where I feel like I could take on anything in the world. It's not like I haven't felt adversitiy before, I'm a combat sport athlete, have experienced family death many times before, and have had a pretty rough life, but this just hurts a lot more than anything I've ever experienced. I know this is a pretty deep topic, but has anyone experienced something similiar? How did you come back from something devastating?
 

Koji

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Truly sorry to hear about your brothers death.

For me, I lost my Dad last year and I was truly down with depression. What got me out of that was the belief that he is now in a better place and also, as time passed, I started to get back to my normal self though I'm not yet 100% but I think I've learnt to live with the pain.
 

BizyDad

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Hey everyone,
I've been lurking on this forum for a while, and in February I quit action faking and started my own pressure washing business while working full time and going to college full time on top of that, in addition to my already existing hobbies. Business has been going pretty good -- I've learned a lot so far, and I've made my initial investment in all areas (marketing, equipment, etc) back already.
However, a few days ago, my brother passed away in a horrible way at the age of 26. It's pretty much shattered my world and I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty, but I feel insanely destroyed and don't know how to get back to that original spark, where I feel like I could take on anything in the world. It's not like I haven't felt adversitiy before, I'm a combat sport athlete, have experienced family death many times before, and have had a pretty rough life, but this just hurts a lot more than anything I've ever experienced. I know this is a pretty deep topic, but has anyone experienced something similiar? How did you come back from something devastating?

That sounds truly awful.

It's important to not isolate, have at least one person you can talk to about stuff. Friend or family or counselor or pastor, reach out to someone. (You did here, that's good, but connect in real life too.) You don't even have to talk about what happened, maybe for you some distraction is what you need. I don't know. Everyone deals and heals differently.

But one thing is consistent. This is going to take some time to recover. Maybe businesses suffers after an event like this. So what? If it does, don't beat yourself up about it. Take the time to need to get better.

Ok, two things are consistent. Little by little, it will get better. You'll get that spark back.
 

Simon Angel

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Is it the fact that he passed away so young or the way in which he passed so young that gets to you the most?

I'm sorry to hear about your loss and grief, I've gone through something similar, and honestly, If I were you I'd let myself grieve for a few days, a week, two weeks, but nothing more than that.

Don't do what I did, though. I tried to distract myself by not thinking about it and ended up neglecting my feelings since I never wanted to look vulnerable or emotional in front of anyone, even myself.

This caused a buildup of repressed, extremely negative emotions in my system over time which had to come out SOMEHOW, and that somehow was through inflammation and Crohn's disease. I got sick from grief. And almost died from it.

Remember, there's no pain or fear he's going through anymore. And if we assume he still has some form of consciousness or "is up there", I'm sure he'd want you to live your best life, which doesn't include losing your health and livelihood grieving indefinitely over him.

And if it's survivor's guilt you're feeling - well, we're all going to die in a blink of a second in the grand scheme of things. Some of us will just take a little longer than others.

It's life, bro. We were made to live and die. And we were made to grieve. So grieve, but don't let it consume you.

Please look up Nietzsche's Amor Fati as well:
 

SamRussell

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That sounds awful.

Maybe talk to a professional therapist? They'll be able to help you much more effectively than some random people on the internet.
 

Sirrom

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Hey man,

I am so sorry to read this..

I experienced something similar last year. My best best friend committed suicide. It was a horrible period of my life where i had to deal with his family,friends, the funeral etc.

What i would give as an advice is to try to take some time for yourself. Do the stupid shit you liked to do as a kid. Go into nature and listen to cliche sad music etc. Even though it feels a bit weird these things actually help you in the morning process.

Give yourself the time to be sad. And when you feel like now its enough im getting back to life, give it a little more time ;)

If you do that you will come out stronger! I went in as a 24year old adolescent and after this i can say that i became a man.

Keep your head up. Better times will come!

Ps.

You can always reach out to me for a chat and don't forget to pull your loved ones close to you.
 
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Bruno Calisso

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The Practicing Stoic will help you learn how to deal with the grieving. Do not pretend that you are OK now to find yourself suicidal later, specially with so many burdens (school, work, hustles, etc.) take care of yourself. Study some stoicism, it'll help.
 

James Klymus

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Take some time to process what's happened in your life. Deal with it now so that it doesn't come back and haunt you later on in life. You've gone through a traumatizing experience, and you have to deal with it effectively so that you can continue on with your life. Seek professional help if you feel you need it. Sorry for your loss.
 

The-J

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Dude, your brother just died, and it sounds like it was tragic and unexpected. Take some time to grieve. Make time for your family, if you still have family. You don't need to worry about whether you're gonna come back from this: don't worry about that at all! If you allow yourself to process your feelings, if you spend time with the people you care about, if you let yourself learn to live again... you WILL come back from this. But it's going to take time.

You say you've experienced adversity before but not like this. You might feel like you should be stronger than you are. But here's the truth: it is not up to you to be strong for anyone. His death left a hole in several people's hearts: you're not alone in feeling like your world has come crashing down. Your parents, if they're still alive, your other close family, your brother's friends, they're all just trying to process what happened just like you. You can be there with them and not isolate yourself because it isn't just you feeling the way you do.

There's more to life than the bright sunny days and boundless optimism; there's also the cloudy, rainy, and downright turbulent times. You don't need to hope that your spark comes back: you can be there with the darkness and be sad because you're going through a hard time right now. You're a tough guy and even tough guys go through difficulties. But time heals all wounds, even if they leave a scar.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Maybe seek some professional mental health help too: you'd be surprised at how well they can help, even if you're not mentally ill and they're simply helping you deal with a traumatic event.

You don't feel okay right now, but that's okay.
 

Primeperiwinkle

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Give yourself permission to grieve.

Move towards it, not away. Sit with it awhile and realize that you’re grieving all the what if’s and could have beens.

You’re grieving his future as well as your loss.

Grief is weird.. it’s like a phantom hole in your side that comes and goes depending on the minute and all the while it’s bleeding and you’re stuck wondering if the floor is more slippier today than yesterday..

Yes. The floor is a mess. You’re not a total disaster though because you’re busy walking around feeling (not being numb) this wretched pain.. and now that I’ve pointed it out, this awfulness, you might feel guilty that you do feel it because it reminds you that he doesn’t and that hurts even more.

Grief is awful. It’s ok to feel awful.

Our culture tells you you get a week but you’re still going to be hurting for a long time. It will hit you randomly and intensely and it will make no sense and the best thing to do?

Thank God or the universe that you had someone so special because your brother was a gift. I’m so so sorry for your loss.

Someday, someone you barely know will be wretched and hurting because they’ll be grieving a brother.. and then you’ll be able to write words of comfort and cry your eyes out while doing so.. and it still won’t make the hole any smaller...but you’ll realize that it’s more bearable because you’ll have gotten bigger.

May you cry clean. Don’t beat yourself up over the floor.
 

Kak

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Hey everyone,
I've been lurking on this forum for a while, and in February I quit action faking and started my own pressure washing business while working full time and going to college full time on top of that, in addition to my already existing hobbies. Business has been going pretty good -- I've learned a lot so far, and I've made my initial investment in all areas (marketing, equipment, etc) back already.
However, a few days ago, my brother passed away in a horrible way at the age of 26. It's pretty much shattered my world and I'm not going to get into the nitty gritty, but I feel insanely destroyed and don't know how to get back to that original spark, where I feel like I could take on anything in the world. It's not like I haven't felt adversitiy before, I'm a combat sport athlete, have experienced family death many times before, and have had a pretty rough life, but this just hurts a lot more than anything I've ever experienced. I know this is a pretty deep topic, but has anyone experienced something similiar? How did you come back from something devastating?
Sorry to hear about your brother man. That’s terrible.

To answer your question, the vast majority of people will experience some pretty severe loss over the course of their lives. Life is fleeting so we do our best to leave the world a better place than we found it.

Keep your head up man. Better days are ahead.
 
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