The Entrepreneur Forum | Financial Freedom | Starting a Business | Motivation | Money | Success

Feedback for My Copy- They Say Teaching is the Best Way to Learn

The Entrepreneur's Forum for learning how to build wealth and financial freedom the Fastlane way!

Say "NO" to mediocre living rife with jobs, ascetic frugality, and suffocating savings rituals— learn how to build a Fastlane business that pays both freedom and lifestyle affluence. Join our forum with more than 70,000 entrepreneurs who are making it happen.
Join for FREE Today
Get the books
Remove ads? Join Fastlane INSIDERS
(Registration removes this block)
Marketing, social media, advertising

Ben Adams

Contributor
Mar 7, 2017
46
33
26
Florida
Here are two recent projects I did on Upwork. These aren't the full pages due to a file upload limit on the forum. Any and all feedback is appreciated and don't sugarcoat anything please. I started on upwork 2 weeks ago, but had previously read cashvertising and done all the copy for my own business. Screen Shot 2019-01-05 at 10.56.24 PM.png Screen Shot 2019-01-05 at 10.56.30 PM.png Screen Shot 2019-01-05 at 10.56.36 PM.png Screen Shot 2019-01-05 at 10.56.53 PM.png Screen Shot 2019-01-05 at 10.54.56 PM.png Screen Shot 2019-01-05 at 10.55.05 PM.png Screen Shot 2019-01-05 at 10.55.18 PM.png Screen Shot 2019-01-05 at 10.55.26 PM.png
 
Don't like ads? Remove them while supporting the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

Ben Adams

Contributor
Mar 7, 2017
46
33
26
Florida

Attachments

  • Screen Shot 2019-01-05 at 10.55.42 PM.png
    Screen Shot 2019-01-05 at 10.55.42 PM.png
    113.2 KB · Views: 2
  • Screen Shot 2019-01-05 at 10.56.00 PM.png
    Screen Shot 2019-01-05 at 10.56.00 PM.png
    123.4 KB · Views: 2
  • Screen Shot 2019-01-03 at 9.43.40 PM.png
    Screen Shot 2019-01-03 at 9.43.40 PM.png
    150.9 KB · Views: 2

jon.M

Gold Contributor
Read Fastlane!
Read Unscripted!
Speedway Pass
Jul 4, 2016
405
1,360
Sweden
I'll stick to the SARM one.

The headline's to vague. What does "transform your body" mean? That could be a headline targeted to Starbucks moms who want to trim those thighs. Be more specific. Use bodybuilding language if that's the audience you go after. "Gain lean muscle mass even if you're on a cut" or something.

Your button CTA tells me to get 10% off of Kong and I don't even know what that is yet.

You've got typos. Fix them.

"Kong is not your fathers supplement" doesn't really jive with me. What if the reader's father is a true badass and their idol?

You need to streamline the copy. You need to take the reader's hand and take them on a journey where they can follow every point you make. At this point, your copy is too fragmented and it feels like you just inserted buzzwords & cliche claims where you saw fit.

Let's be honest, the copy is kinda stupid and that's okay depending on the persons you wanna sell to. But if you want to sell to a person who gets interested when you claim the supplement can make their arms look like a roadmap, you're wasting your time telling them what SARM stands for and how it binds to their androgen receptors in the next paragraph. They prolly don't know or care about that. And you'd need to explain it better anyways.

I don't even see what kind of SARM it is.

You tell readers a PCT cycle isn't needed but it's still recommended to undergo a short one. That sounds kinda contradictory and doesn't make me trust your word. I know what you're saying but do your readers?
 
Don't like ads? Remove them while supporting the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

Ben Adams

Contributor
Mar 7, 2017
46
33
26
Florida
I'll stick to the SARM one.

The headline's to vague. What does "transform your body" mean? That could be a headline targeted to Starbucks moms who want to trim those thighs. Be more specific. Use bodybuilding language if that's the audience you go after. "Gain lean muscle mass even if you're on a cut" or something.

Your button CTA tells me to get 10% off of Kong and I don't even know what that is yet.

You've got typos. Fix them.

"Kong is not your fathers supplement" doesn't really jive with me. What if the reader's father is a true badass and their idol?

You need to streamline the copy. You need to take the reader's hand and take them on a journey where they can follow every point you make. At this point, your copy is too fragmented and it feels like you just inserted buzzwords & cliche claims where you saw fit.

Let's be honest, the copy is kinda stupid and that's okay depending on the persons you wanna sell to. But if you want to sell to a person who gets interested when you claim the supplement can make their arms look like a roadmap, you're wasting your time telling them what SARM stands for and how it binds to their androgen receptors in the next paragraph. They prolly don't know or care about that. And you'd need to explain it better anyways.

I don't even see what kind of SARM it is.

You tell readers a PCT cycle isn't needed but it's still recommended to undergo a short one. That sounds kinda contradictory and doesn't make me trust your word. I know what you're saying but do your readers?

Was having trouble getting the thread to post so I took out a few pics, mostly before the last supplement pic where I went through extensive ingredient descriptions.

I don't agree with transform your body w kong being too vague because this is for a client's sales funnel for facebook ads and a targeted email list of past SARM users. He also let me know that target audience is hardcore gymgoers who have used steroids or sarms in the past. However, if this were not the case and you didn't already get to the page through an ad or email advertising GAINZZZ then you're right it would be better to specify muscle/strength gains.

Looking through i see some typos, some of which he made when adding my copy I sent him through a doc to his site lol.

I agree with your PCT point.

Thanks for the advice
 

Post New Topic

Please SEARCH before posting.
Please select the BEST category.

Post new topic

New Topics

Fastlane Insiders

View the forum AD FREE.
Private, unindexed content
Detailed process/execution threads
Ideas needing execution, more!

Join Fastlane Insiders.

Must Read Books...

Explore books recommended by MJ DeMarco and other members of the Fastlane entrepreneurial community.
Fastlane Bookstore
Top