Feedback for My Copy- They Say Teaching is the Best Way to Learn

[Ben Adams]

Here are two recent projects I did on Upwork. These aren't the full pages due to a file upload limit on the forum. Any and all feedback is appreciated and don't sugarcoat anything please. I started on upwork 2 weeks ago, but had previously read cashvertising and done all the copy for my own business.

 

Dislike ads? Become a Fastlane member: Subscribe today and surround yourself with winners and millionaire mentors, not those broke friends who only want to drink beer and play video games. :-)

[Ben Adams]

Heres the end of the second one and a facebook ad.
Linked is a landing page for my biz I did recently
Herbal/Nootropic Mood Supplement For Relaxation and Energy — SomaVita

And a kickstarter page for good measure
Never Lose Your Phone or Keys Again

I don't expect anyone to read all of this, anything will help i'm really trying to improve. Am currently doing the Gary Halbert 30 day challenge, the Robert Collier Letter book is a really boring read, but very helpful.

 

[Ben Adams]

bump

 

[jon.M]

I'll stick to the SARM one.

The headline's to vague. What does "transform your body" mean? That could be a headline targeted to Starbucks moms who want to trim those thighs. Be more specific. Use bodybuilding language if that's the audience you go after. "Gain lean muscle mass even if you're on a cut" or something.

Your button CTA tells me to get 10% off of Kong and I don't even know what that is yet.

You've got typos. Fix them.

"Kong is not your fathers supplement" doesn't really jive with me. What if the reader's father is a true badass and their idol?

You need to streamline the copy. You need to take the reader's hand and take them on a journey where they can follow every point you make. At this point, your copy is too fragmented and it feels like you just inserted buzzwords & cliche claims where you saw fit.

Let's be honest, the copy is kinda stupid and that's okay depending on the persons you wanna sell to. But if you want to sell to a person who gets interested when you claim the supplement can make their arms look like a roadmap, you're wasting your time telling them what SARM stands for and how it binds to their androgen receptors in the next paragraph. They prolly don't know or care about that. And you'd need to explain it better anyways.

I don't even see what kind of SARM it is.

You tell readers a PCT cycle isn't needed but it's still recommended to undergo a short one. That sounds kinda contradictory and doesn't make me trust your word. I know what you're saying but do your readers?

 

[Ben Adams]

I'll stick to the SARM one.

The headline's to vague. What does "transform your body" mean? That could be a headline targeted to Starbucks moms who want to trim those thighs. Be more specific. Use bodybuilding language if that's the audience you go after. "Gain lean muscle mass even if you're on a cut" or something.

Your button CTA tells me to get 10% off of Kong and I don't even know what that is yet.

You've got typos. Fix them.

"Kong is not your fathers supplement" doesn't really jive with me. What if the reader's father is a true badass and their idol?

You need to streamline the copy. You need to take the reader's hand and take them on a journey where they can follow every point you make. At this point, your copy is too fragmented and it feels like you just inserted buzzwords & cliche claims where you saw fit.

Let's be honest, the copy is kinda stupid and that's okay depending on the persons you wanna sell to. But if you want to sell to a person who gets interested when you claim the supplement can make their arms look like a roadmap, you're wasting your time telling them what SARM stands for and how it binds to their androgen receptors in the next paragraph. They prolly don't know or care about that. And you'd need to explain it better anyways.

I don't even see what kind of SARM it is.

You tell readers a PCT cycle isn't needed but it's still recommended to undergo a short one. That sounds kinda contradictory and doesn't make me trust your word. I know what you're saying but do your readers?

Was having trouble getting the thread to post so I took out a few pics, mostly before the last supplement pic where I went through extensive ingredient descriptions.

I don't agree with transform your body w kong being too vague because this is for a client's sales funnel for facebook ads and a targeted email list of past SARM users. He also let me know that target audience is hardcore gymgoers who have used steroids or sarms in the past. However, if this were not the case and you didn't already get to the page through an ad or email advertising GAINZZZ then you're right it would be better to specify muscle/strength gains.

Looking through i see some typos, some of which he made when adding my copy I sent him through a doc to his site lol.

I agree with your PCT point.

Thanks for the advice