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HOT TOPIC Any ideas on how I can stop being a shitty person?

Ninjakid

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This is something that's been bothering me for a while, and I need to get this off my chest.

Oftentimes I'm like an angry child trapped in an adult's body.

For example, last night I was so angry at someone that I couldn't sleep, I kept getting surges of adrenaline that would wake me up. I wanted to go and punch something, but I restrained myself.

But most other times I get like this results in me throwing/punching/breaking something.

Now bear in mind, I've been doing meditation for about 8 years, I've been to counselling, I exercise a lot, I eat quite well. A lot of people think I'm a generally happy person, and would be surprised that I'm saying this.

However, I always seem to revert back to old tendencies. For a while I was drinking heavily, but I've recently stopped.

I have a deeply engrained sense of defensiveness. I started training martial arts at a young age so I could protect myself. I always thought it was a positive thing, but now I'm wondering if it has negatively affected me.

Oftentimes when I got outside I'm extremely paranoid. If I sit in a coffee shop or restaurant I'm always looking around, watching for potential threats. I look at every object near me and come come up with multiple ways I can make a weapon out of it.

Anytime I become less paranoid and I hear of someone being attacked, I revert back into my defensive mind-frame, and I start training obsessively again in case I need to protect myself or someone close to me.

It's gotten to the point where I don't even enjoy anything anymore. Everything is in the paradigm of survival. I'm always ready to attack. And to be honest, I don't trust myself. I try to go out as little as possible because I'm afraid of what could set me off.

So yeah, as you can see I'm a pretty messed up person...

This is not the kind of person I wanted to be, and I'm ashamed at myself that I've ended up this way. I'm tired of it and I want to change, but I don't even know where to start. Nothing has seemed to help.

I know is case is pretty specific, but I'm wondering, has anyone ever experienced anything similar? Anyone have any ideas on how I can change?
 

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ZF Lee

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I get a bit of anxiety from walking through crowds of strangers who don't care about me in university.

So I set a routine of places to go, to do and specific people to meet to hit my goals for the day. A habit.

For example, I will go to Lecture Hall B for accounting, and then library for study and print, and then lunch with malcolm at 12pm...

Link places and times with important, beneficial activities. They won't link to scary breakouts anymore.
 

HUSTLIN HEATHEN

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This is something that's been bothering me for a while, and I need to get this off my chest.

Oftentimes I'm like an angry child trapped in an adult's body.

For example, last night I was so angry at someone that I couldn't sleep, I kept getting surges of adrenaline that would wake me up. I wanted to go and punch something, but I restrained myself.

But most other times I get like this results in me throwing/punching/breaking something.

Now bear in mind, I've been doing meditation for about 8 years, I've been to counselling, I exercise a lot, I eat quite well. A lot of people think I'm a generally happy person, and would be surprised that I'm saying this.

However, I always seem to revert back to old tendencies. For a while I was drinking heavily, but I've recently stopped.

I have a deeply engrained sense of defensiveness. I started training martial arts at a young age so I could protect myself. I always thought it was a positive thing, but now I'm wondering if it has negatively affected me.

Oftentimes when I got outside I'm extremely paranoid. If I sit in a coffee shop or restaurant I'm always looking around, watching for potential threats. I look at every object near me and come come up with multiple ways I can make a weapon out of it.

Anytime I become less paranoid and I hear of someone being attacked, I revert back into my defensive mind-frame, and I start training obsessively again in case I need to protect myself or someone close to me.

It's gotten to the point where I don't even enjoy anything anymore. Everything is in the paradigm of survival. I'm always ready to attack. And to be honest, I don't trust myself. I try to go out as little as possible because I'm afraid of what could set me off.

So yeah, as you can see I'm a pretty messed up person...

This is not the kind of person I wanted to be, and I'm ashamed at myself that I've ended up this way. I'm tired of it and I want to change, but I don't even know where to start. Nothing has seemed to help.

I know is case is pretty specific, but I'm wondering, has anyone ever experienced anything similar? Anyone have any ideas on how I can change?
Buddy, you're not a shitty person. Trust me. I don't know you. But I've done some pretty shitty things. Still, NO REGRETS. I hit rock bottom. Then bounced back like nothing happened.

Sounds like you've got a chip on your shoulder. People will say that's bad. F*ck em. Use it as fuel to drive your machine to success. Like MJ says, just find your tailwind. Stay focused on one thing, like the book says. There's light at the end of the tunnel Buddy Boiiii
 

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Not sure your specifics - is there room for more distraction in your life? Relationship, adventure, business, etc. Do you have too much time where your mind is idle and entertaining itself negatively?
 

Bearcorp

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I'm not a shrink, but it sounds like something from your childhood.

I'd cast a critical eye towards how my parents treated me, in your situation.
As with Lowtek I'm no shrink either but there seems to definitely be something ingrained inside you which would likely trace back to childhood, wether that be parents, environment, other kids bullying etc. You could consider a psychiatrist or something like kinesiology depending on how you view those types of areas.

From what you've said it would pay to dig deeper inside yourself, because cutting back drinking, eating healthy, meditation etc are all great starting points but if you still feel the way you do it could be a good idea to get assistance.
 

Jonathan Hoch

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Actually this sounds like PTSD. Look at some of the groundbreaking research involving psychedelics. Both MDMA and psilocybin mushrooms are in clinical trials and are said to be some of the most effective tools for curing the mind instead of masking the symptoms.
 

AgainstAllOdds

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Start a security company. Turn your "negative" into a positive.

On a serious note, it's perfectly normal to assess your surroundings for threats. Talk to any guy that has a concealed carry license and see if you're more paranoid than they are. If you're more paranoid than the average person carrying, then you have a problem. If you're not then you're normal.

It's gotten to the point where I don't even enjoy anything anymore. Everything is in the paradigm of survival.
What kind of media are you taking in? Movies? What are you reading? Etc.

I had a friend that had similar anxiety and I believe it stemmed from him going on liveleak and watching messed up videos. Could be the same with watching movies, playing games, reading NEWS, etc.

If I sit in a coffee shop
How much caffeine are you drinking? How much marijuana are you smoking? How many substances are you putting into your body that increase the anxiety and paranoia?

Identify everything you put into your body and cutting it out if it's affecting your mental state.

I try to go out as little as possible because I'm afraid of what could set me off.
"Go out" as in go out drinking? Because if so, it's normal for people to want to fight after they've been drinking. My friends and I use the term "fight mode" to describe the moment that you go from having a good time to hoping someone starts a fight. It's at that point that you have to be aware and stop drinking. Sometimes even go home. Drinking too much and getting angry is normal - just don't be a jerk and cut yourself off while you're still sober enough to know.
 

million$$$smile

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@Ninjakid, I feel for ya bud. It sounds like you have some real concerns and it could be affecting the quality of your life.
Have you considered getting some professional help for this? Perhaps it stems from a traumatic experience earlier in life or something else.

I am NOT a health professional, but I do know of a few people personally that have overcome some extreme traumatic experiences through therapy.

I have a friend that was diagnosed with Intermittant Explosive Disorder (IED) recently, and after finally recognizing it and with the subsequent therapy; it has helped him immensely. You might Google this.

Again, if it is affecting you or others around you, then you might consider speaking to someone professionally.

Take care of yourself. Find out the why.

Hope this helps man, I really hope you get to the bottom of it.

R
 

Process

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It helps to just focus on what you control in the present moment.

Stop worrying about what others did or might .0001% do. Focus on what is happening and just around the corner.

Standing up straight shows people you will hold your own. That’s enough for 99% of the time.

Stop worrying and focus on how to improve their lives. That gives you the initiative.
 

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James Klymus

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I'm not a shrink, but it sounds like something from your childhood.
I second this, take time to really go over your childhood and think about what could have made you aggressive as an adult. This probably isn't the entire solution (you may have some sort of anxiety, so you get paranoid and defensive)

Another thing is to try and bring your self to the present moment and realize you arent your thoughts. You say youve meditated for some time, so you're probably already familiar with that concept.

You live in a pretty safe world. Yes you hear about people getting robbed, raped, attacked, but most of the population goes day to day without some life threatening event. Hopefully you can really internalize that, and calm down and enjoy your life, Anxiety can really drain the fun out of life.
 

MTEE1985

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I'm ashamed at myself that I've ended up this way
First off, you’re not a bad person.

Secondly, I’m with @lowtek and @million$$$smile on this one. You’ve gotten some great advice, however, like them, I am not nor to my knowledge are there any mental health professionals on this forum. Something like what your describing is like peeling back an onion, and the anger you have is likely just the surface. There are more complexities underneath and we are ill-equipped to help you online.

Lastly, feel free to send me a PM anytime to just need to vent about something, just getting it off your chest can be an immense relief.

Take care of yourself brother and good luck.

@Kung Fu Steve any advice?
 
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0dysseus

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Damn, sounds tough. Feel for you man, I sometimes have anxiety episodes but yours sound more serious.

Try to spend more time with friends and family, that helps me at least. Alone time is great, but try being surrounded by friendly people too.

What does your counselor say? He's probably more qualified to help you than me, or any other stranger on the Internet.

Good luck.
 

LuckyPup

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This is something that's been bothering me for a while, and I need to get this off my chest.

Oftentimes I'm like an angry child trapped in an adult's body.

For example, last night I was so angry at someone that I couldn't sleep, I kept getting surges of adrenaline that would wake me up. I wanted to go and punch something, but I restrained myself.

But most other times I get like this results in me throwing/punching/breaking something.

Now bear in mind, I've been doing meditation for about 8 years, I've been to counselling, I exercise a lot, I eat quite well. A lot of people think I'm a generally happy person, and would be surprised that I'm saying this.

However, I always seem to revert back to old tendencies. For a while I was drinking heavily, but I've recently stopped.

I have a deeply engrained sense of defensiveness. I started training martial arts at a young age so I could protect myself. I always thought it was a positive thing, but now I'm wondering if it has negatively affected me.

Oftentimes when I got outside I'm extremely paranoid. If I sit in a coffee shop or restaurant I'm always looking around, watching for potential threats. I look at every object near me and come come up with multiple ways I can make a weapon out of it.

Anytime I become less paranoid and I hear of someone being attacked, I revert back into my defensive mind-frame, and I start training obsessively again in case I need to protect myself or someone close to me.

It's gotten to the point where I don't even enjoy anything anymore. Everything is in the paradigm of survival. I'm always ready to attack. And to be honest, I don't trust myself. I try to go out as little as possible because I'm afraid of what could set me off.

So yeah, as you can see I'm a pretty messed up person...

This is not the kind of person I wanted to be, and I'm ashamed at myself that I've ended up this way. I'm tired of it and I want to change, but I don't even know where to start. Nothing has seemed to help.

I know is case is pretty specific, but I'm wondering, has anyone ever experienced anything similar? Anyone have any ideas on how I can change?
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I won't attempt to diagnose you or offer pat advice, but have you had a thorough physical and mental exam?

1) Have you had any head trauma?
2) Have you been examined by an MD - history and physical, blood work, head CT and/or MRI?
3) Define counseling. Who did you see, for how long, and what are their credentials?
4) What media are you consuming regularly?
 

Real Deal Denver

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This is not the kind of person I wanted to be, and I'm ashamed at myself that I've ended up this way. I'm tired of it and I want to change, but I don't even know where to start.
You've already taken the MOST important steps to get you where you want to be.

You recognize the problem - you own it and are ashamed - and you want to change. Congrats! You have made huge progress, even though you don't realize it - yet.

First of all, stop beating yourself up. Drop the guilt. Right. Now. The rest is surprisingly easy. Really it is. Learn WHAT to listen to. You can't stop the thoughts from entering your mind. We are similar in that regard. BUT you can CHOOSE whether to pay them attention to them or not. Give your thoughts a name. Ernie. Make it personal. Detach it from you because it is NOT you. Yes, it is a part of you now, but you CAN control it. So the next time Ernie shows up, give him some of his own medicine. Say, "Hey Ernie boy - so nice to see you again - where you been? I hate to tell you this, but I have a lot to do today that's pretty important. You see, I have a new plan, and sorry to tell you that plan doesn't include YOU. So go screw yourself cause I ain't got the time of day for you loser boy. Check with me later though - I might feel like letting YOU make ME feel shitty - if I don't have anything else going on... now get the hell out of my sight!"

Yeah, it sounds stupid. You can't turn Ernie off. He's there. BUT you can SUBSTITUTE something else to focus on instead of listening to him. AND you can take control and tell him to get his ugly face out of your sight! BE ANGRY! Channel that ENERGY to good ol Ernie!

I speak from experience. I too had bottled anger in me that was very intense for a long time. I had good reason for it. But did that matter? Did that help anyone? No. But it was a "reason" for being the way I was. I also wanted to change. And I did, but it was an ongoing process that took time. Still is a work in progress, actually.

I also made worthwhile goals, and I broke them down into phases. I would do "this" by the end of the week. Then something else the next week. Break them down even further to a day by day schedule. While you're working, tell yourself how great it is that you're getting something done using the energy Ernie has fired up inside of you. Embrace it! Own it! Take control of it and USE it! When Ern shows up again, tell him how much you got done - and you're so glad you're using that energy to do something great!

Ern is a part of you and will never leave. But there are many other parts of you too. You don't HAVE to engage with Ern. Just. Say. No. and F*ck off... Ern will understand, believe me.

Try it man. It will make you stronger and happier. Just deal with Ern as an irritating as hell family member that you will never get totally rid of. But that doesn't mean you have to have a conversation with him! As you get used to this, you will develop skills to tune him out - and other people as well. You will discover that you can focus on what YOU decide to focus on. Here is a profound truth: You have the RIGHT to not have to listen to any shit from anyone. And you have the RIGHT to be happy.

Each day go through your accomplishments. Pat yourself on the back for doing whatever you did - even if it was less than you had planned to get done. Take a day off and have fun as a reward for doing good. And through all of this - learn to LIKE yourself. Don't expect anyone else to like you or to compliment you for anything. If that does happen, it's a bonus - but don't expect it. Be your own boss. Tell yourself what to do, and then make sure you do it.

Be conscious of this every day. I guarantee you two things. First, I guarantee you that I've been through tons more shit than you have, so I know what I'm talking about here. And secondly, I guarantee you that if you make up your mind to do this ONE DAY at a time - every day - you will be a different person in ten days. Just do TEN days - one at a time. Anyone can avoid talking to an a**hole for ten days. It's not forever. You can do it. And then when you're done - say "hey, I can turn that fat bastard off - and I am pretty happy right now!" Cause you WILL be! I guarantee that!

Then rinse and repeat. People far worse off than you or me have climbed out of a pit of misery. I did it. And you WILL do it too. You are not alone bro. And here's the bonus for you... you WILL be a much stronger and better man for it!

Tomorrow is the first day of your new life. Ern is not going to be happy when he finds out you're too busy for him. Just tell him to get used to it fat boy - cause you're in charge now.

You really HAVE come a long ways. Actually the next phase can be FUN if you make it fun. Use that energy to tell Ern what you think of him - but only for a brief moment. Don't dwell on it. But do face it head on. And then get to work on your new plan - and your new life. Go Brother!

Can't wait to see Ern's face when he hears the news...

bundy.gif
 
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Ninjakid

Ninjakid

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Hey everyone, sorry for the late reply. I'm a lot better today, I guess I've just had a shitty couple of days. But I think it's a good sign that I have to change mysef for the better.

I'm not a shrink, but it sounds like something from your childhood.

I'd cast a critical eye towards how my parents treated me, in your situation.
You hit the nail on the head. I mean my parents were loving at times, but also extremely dysfunctional. My household was just constant chaos everyday. It's like everyday I'd wonder what new catastrophe awaits today. I know this does something to a child's brain, basically hardwires them to feel unsafe at all times.

Buddy, you're not a sh*tty person. Trust me. I don't know you. But I've done some pretty sh*tty things. Still, NO REGRETS. I hit rock bottom. Then bounced back like nothing happened.

Sounds like you've got a chip on your shoulder. People will say that's bad. f*ck em. Use it as fuel to drive your machine to success. Like MJ says, just find your tailwind. Stay focused on one thing, like the book says. There's light at the end of the tunnel Buddy Boiiii
Yes, I think I need to clear my mind and just focus on my mission. Thanks man :smile2:

Not sure your specifics - is there room for more distraction in your life? Relationship, adventure, business, etc. Do you have too much time where your mind is idle and entertaining itself negatively?
Perhaps I do. Most of the time I probably don't use my time as well as I should. Sometimes I think I'm busy, but really I probably do a lot of unnecessary things like surfing the internet mindlessly.

As with Lowtek I'm no shrink either but there seems to definitely be something ingrained inside you which would likely trace back to childhood, wether that be parents, environment, other kids bullying etc. You could consider a psychiatrist or something like kinesiology depending on how you view those types of areas.

From what you've said it would pay to dig deeper inside yourself, because cutting back drinking, eating healthy, meditation etc are all great starting points but if you still feel the way you do it could be a good idea to get assistance.
Yeah, as I mentioned to Lowtek, I definitely carry a lot of negative memories from my childhood. I'm working to unlearn all these things.
I've been to psychiatrists before, they talked with me a little and then gave me medication. One gave me a DVD program to deal with depression. But admittedly, I gave up on the treatments pretty quickly. Maybe I need to go back and make myself stick with them.

Actually this sounds like PTSD. Look at some of the groundbreaking research involving psychedelics. Both MDMA and psilocybin mushrooms are in clinical trials and are said to be some of the most effective tools for curing the mind instead of masking the symptoms.
Yeah, I looked up the symptoms of PTSD and alarmingly enough I seem to fit almost all of them. Never tried mushrooms or MDMA before, but maybe might be worth it lol. I've heard they have amazing medicinal effects.

Start a security company. Turn your "negative" into a positive.
Haha never thought of this. Maybe I can be someone's bodyguard.

On a serious note, it's perfectly normal to assess your surroundings for threats. Talk to any guy that has a concealed carry license and see if you're more paranoid than they are. If you're more paranoid than the average person carrying, then you have a problem. If you're not then you're normal.
It's hard to test this because I live in Canada, and there's no legal way for a citizen to carry a firearm. I've always thought if I lied in US I would have one though. But I don't think this is a health mindset to have.

What kind of media are you taking in? Movies? What are you reading? Etc.

I had a friend that had similar anxiety and I believe it stemmed from him going on liveleak and watching messed up videos. Could be the same with watching movies, playing games, reading NEWS, etc.
I have over a hundred ebooks lol. Most of them are biographies and self-improvement stuff.
I watch the News in the morning. As you can imagine it's always doom and gloom.
I also watch shows on Netflix occasionally. More often than not they contain some kind of violence.
Believe it or not, I'm a huge Kpop geek lol. I've been paying more attention to that recently, and the effect seems to be positive.

How much caffeine are you drinking? How much marijuana are you smoking? How many substances are you putting into your body that increase the anxiety and paranoia?

Identify everything you put into your body and cutting it out if it's affecting your mental state.
I used to drink a lot of coffee, like 6 cups per day, but now I'm down to one or two in the morning. As a substitute, throughout the day I drink hot water with ginger and cinnamon (occasionally some Cayenne pepper too if I'm up for it).
I don't smoke marijuana.

"Go out" as in go out drinking? Because if so, it's normal for people to want to fight after they've been drinking. My friends and I use the term "fight mode" to describe the moment that you go from having a good time to hoping someone starts a fight. It's at that point that you have to be aware and stop drinking. Sometimes even go home. Drinking too much and getting angry is normal - just don't be a jerk and cut yourself off while you're still sober enough to know.
Nah I don't go out drinking. I'm basically the most boring 25 year old you'll ever meet lol.
I meant just going outside in general for anything.
But yes, I'm very much anti-alcohol. Alcohol is extremely damaging to the body. People I know who are heavy drinkers age super quick. and get liver disease. Also I hate the way alcohol makes me feel.
Weirdly enough, I've noticed when I'm drunk I'm a much nicer person, but then again who knows. You're never really yourself when you're drunk.

@Ninjakid, I feel for ya bud. It sounds like you have some real concerns and it could be affecting the quality of your life.
Have you considered getting some professional help for this? Perhaps it stems from a traumatic experience earlier in life or something else.

I am NOT a health professional, but I do know of a few people personally that have overcome some extreme traumatic experiences through therapy.

I have a friend that was diagnosed with Intermittant Explosive Disorder (IED) recently, and after finally recognizing it and with the subsequent therapy; it has helped him immensely. You might Google this.

Again, if it is affecting you or others around you, then you might consider speaking to someone professionally.

Take care of yourself. Find out the why.

Hope this helps man, I really hope you get to the bottom of it.

R
Yeah I'm going to start therapy, I just need to find a good therapist.
It's definitely linked to childhood trauma.

What did that someone say or do that made you so angry?
I don't want to describe it in detail if that's okay, but basically I thought this person was trying to screw someone else over, and I blew up. Whether it's true or not, the fact is I jumped to conclusions

I second this, take time to really go over your childhood and think about what could have made you aggressive as an adult. This probably isn't the entire solution (you may have some sort of anxiety, so you get paranoid and defensive)

Another thing is to try and bring your self to the present moment and realize you arent your thoughts. You say youve meditated for some time, so you're probably already familiar with that concept.

You live in a pretty safe world. Yes you hear about people getting robbed, raped, attacked, but most of the population goes day to day without some life threatening event. Hopefully you can really internalize that, and calm down and enjoy your life, Anxiety can really drain the fun out of life.
I'm pretty sure I know the cause...
I also want to mention that I'm not aggressive in a way that I'm constantly trying to start conflicts with people, I'm just very defensive at times though.

Yeah definitely. Actually I strongly believe that now is the only time that matter. I just need to break past my conditioning.

There's a professor who's name I always forget, but he has a lecture series called "Self Under Siege," where he talks about something called a "hyperreality." Basically where in the modern day, we're constantly bombarded by media and it creates a false concept of the world. Like for example, how the news make the world seem more threatening than it actually is. He did this lecture in the 90s, and it's even more true today.

First off, you’re not a bad person.

Secondly, I’m with @lowtek and @million$$$smile on this one. You’ve gotten some great advice, however, like them, I am not nor to my knowledge are there any mental health professionals on this forum. Something like what your describing is like peeling back an onion, and the anger you have is likely just the surface. There are more complexities underneath and we are ill-equipped to help you online.

Lastly, feel free to send me a PM anytime to just need to vent about something, just getting it off your chest can be an immense relief.

Take care of yourself brother and good luck.

@Kung Fu Steve any advice?
Thank you my friend :blush:

Damn, sounds tough. Feel for you man, I sometimes have anxiety episodes but yours sound more serious.

Try to spend more time with friends and family, that helps me at least. Alone time is great, but try being surrounded by friendly people too.

What does your counselor say? He's probably more qualified to help you than me, or any other stranger on the Internet.

Good luck.
I'm not sure if mine are more serious than yours, I mean anxiety is anxiety.

Yeah, i try to spend more time around others if I can.
I'm starting to wonder if it might be better to be away from my family though...

I haven't seen a counsellor in many years, but he said childhood experiences were a major factor. I think I should see one again soon.

Thank you friend, and good luck to you too
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I won't attempt to diagnose you or offer pat advice, but have you had a thorough physical and mental exam?

1) Have you had any head trauma?
2) Have you been examined by an MD - history and physical, blood work, head CT and/or MRI?
3) Define counseling. Who did you see, for how long, and what are their credentials?
4) What media are you consuming regularly?
Hey, that's okay. I have not had a thorough physical and mental exam.

1) Actually yes, recently. I as training MMA a lot and on three occasions I took some pretty good hits to the head. The last one I took almost knocked me unconscious. I've stopped training about a month and a half ago.

2) I haven't had a thorough examination. I had bloodwork done about a year and a half ago. Everything was fine except my cholestrol was a little high. This was before I made drastic changes to my diet and physical activity though.

3) I sit down in a room and talk with a person. I'm actually not sure about their credentials...

4) A lot of YouTube Videos and ebooks. A little bit of Netflix and News. Netflix and NEws I think is quite negative. YouTube is mostly positive stuff.

Get a dog.
I've got one lol.

" The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ***k" by Mark Manson
I'll check it out, but I've consumed so many books, that I think I need to stop reading...

You've already taken the MOST important steps to get you where you want to be.

You recognize the problem - you own it and are ashamed - and you want to change. Congrats! You have made huge progress, even though you don't realize it - yet.

First of all, stop beating yourself up. Drop the guilt. Right. Now. The rest is surprisingly easy. Really it is. Learn WHAT to listen to. You can't stop the thoughts from entering your mind. We are similar in that regard. BUT you can CHOOSE whether to pay them attention to them or not. Give your thoughts a name. Ernie. Make it personal. Detach it from you because it is NOT you. Yes, it is a part of you now, but you CAN control it. So the next time Ernie shows up, give him some of his own medicine. Say, "Hey Ernie boy - so nice to see you again - where you been? I hate to tell you this, but I have a lot to do today that's pretty important. You see, I have a new plan, and sorry to tell you that plan doesn't include YOU. So go screw yourself cause I ain't got the time of day for you loser boy. Check with me later though - I might feel like letting YOU make ME feel sh*tty - if I don't have anything else going on... now get the hell out of my sight!"

Yeah, it sounds stupid. You can't turn Ernie off. He's there. BUT you can SUBSTITUTE something else to focus on instead of listening to him. AND you can take control and tell him to get his ugly face out of your sight! BE ANGRY! Channel that ENERGY to good ol Ernie!

I speak from experience. I too had bottled anger in me that was very intense for a long time. I had good reason for it. But did that matter? Did that help anyone? No. But it was a "reason" for being the way I was. I also wanted to change. And I did, but it was an ongoing process that took time. Still is a work in progress, actually.

I also made worthwhile goals, and I broke them down into phases. I would do "this" by the end of the week. Then something else the next week. Break them down even further to a day by day schedule. While you're working, tell yourself how great it is that you're getting something done using the energy Ernie has fired up inside of you. Embrace it! Own it! Take control of it and USE it! When Ern shows up again, tell him how much you got done - and you're so glad you're using that energy to do something great!

Ern is a part of you and will never leave. But there are many other parts of you too. You don't HAVE to engage with Ern. Just. Say. No. and f*ck off... Ern will understand, believe me.

Try it man. It will make you stronger and happier. Just deal with Ern as an irritating as hell family member that you will never get totally rid of. But that doesn't mean you have to have a conversation with him! As you get used to this, you will develop skills to tune him out - and other people as well. You will discover that you can focus on what YOU decide to focus on. Here is a profound truth: You have the RIGHT to not have to listen to any sh*t from anyone. And you have the RIGHT to be happy.

Each day go through your accomplishments. Pat yourself on the back for doing whatever you did - even if it was less than you had planned to get done. Take a day off and have fun as a reward for doing good. And through all of this - learn to LIKE yourself. Don't expect anyone else to like you or to compliment you for anything. If that does happen, it's a bonus - but don't expect it. Be your own boss. Tell yourself what to do, and then make sure you do it.

Be conscious of this every day. I guarantee you two things. First, I guarantee you that I've been through tons more sh*t than you have, so I know what I'm talking about here. And secondly, I guarantee you that if you make up your mind to do this ONE DAY at a time - every day - you will be a different person in ten days. Just do TEN days - one at a time. Anyone can avoid talking to an a**hole for ten days. It's not forever. You can do it. And then when you're done - say "hey, I can turn that fat bastard off - and I am pretty happy right now!" Cause you WILL be! I guarantee that!

Then rinse and repeat. People far worse off than you or me have climbed out of a pit of misery. I did it. And you WILL do it too. You are not alone bro. And here's the bonus for you... you WILL be a much stronger and better man for it!

Tomorrow is the first day of your new life. Ern is not going to be happy when he finds out you're too busy for him. Just tell him to get used to it fat boy - cause you're in charge now.

You really HAVE come a long ways. Actually the next phase can be FUN if you make it fun. Use that energy to tell Ern what you think of him - but only for a brief moment. Don't dwell on it. But do face it head on. And then get to work on your new plan - and your new life. Go Brother!

Can't wait to see Ern's face when he hears the news...

View attachment 23469
This is actually brilliant.

I'm actually going to start doing this, and I'll let you know how it turns out. Thanks a lot!

And yeah it's true. The thing about destructive habits is you can always rationalize them. It's very easy to say "yeah I do this because I had this experience." And it's never hard to find people who agree with you. But I think it's more important to ask yourself, "is this who I want to be?" For me the answer is no, because I know I'm better than my current conditioning. It's like the story about the sculptor who made an amazing sculpture of an elephant. When someone asked him how he made it look so lifelike, he said, "simple, I removed everything that wasn't the elephant."
I think that's a good metaphor for ourselves.

I follow the FHB.

Family.
Health.
Business.

Nothing else matters. Nothing else is as important.

Just stay focused on these 3 and keep it moving!
YEs, I believe one should stay focused on the positive aspects of their life, because there is a buffet of negatives always out there.
 

DonTriumph

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Hello.

ON ANGER

Examine your thoughts when you're getting angry. What triggers you? What makes you angry even when practically nothing bad has happened?

I know that, quite a bit, because I've been there some time. I actually still struggle sometimes.

There was also a time when I see almost everything around me as so annoying and stupid I'm already angry - before things would even happen, and if they would even happen.

But like you, I'm calm and happy outside. Well I'm actually really calm inside. And outside I'm not a grumpy guy walking around like I'm about to smack someone's face.

But sometimes the devil seems to whisper something. This usually happens when I'm driving. Sometimes I got annoyed at the sight of a motorcycle (even when I ride a motorcycle myself, LOL). That's because motorcycles here in the Philippines are notorious for carelessly swerving in the road. This is annoying especially if you ride a car (and I also have a car). But in reality, nothing really happened. The motorcycle I saw didn't swerve or something. He just peacefully drives the road.

How did I solve this issue?

Once I almost had a road rage with a mini truck driver. I didn't intend to pick a fight, though we both shouted at each other. But as I parked my motorcycle just a few meters from the scene, the truck stopped in front of us. The driver (or his right man) didn't get out, though, say to confront me?

They may think I'm a tough man; I'm scared to death as they pulled over in front of us, LOL! But after a few seconds, their engine roared and drove away - never to be heard or seen again.

I had a realization: Because of my stupid anger, I'm putting myself into danger!

"What if the man had a gun and shoot me at point blank?" I asked myself.

From now on I learned to control my temper, though it's still a struggle.

I think, and in my experience, those anger burst are just preconceptions of your mind - usually because of bad experiences. Like in my case, my irate against motorcycles are a product of my past bad experiences with bad motorcycle drivers even when in reality, as of course, not all motorcycle drivers are bad.

So examine your thoughts. Maybe they are just preconceptions after all. If so, don't generalize things (I know it's easy to say and kinda hard to do). But recognizing it again and again will help.

This applies not just to driving by the way, but to all areas in life.

ON PARANOIA

I also have a paranoia, and so far I haven't found any pretty solutions yet.

This paranoia stems from "bad news" you hear in TV or family/friends.

Imagine you're watching TV (news) and all you hear is this:

"X was killed by a street man"
"Y was robbed in their house. Y and family dead."
"Z was raped in the middle of the bushes."

At first, it seems they are just information you take caution on. But in my experience, what we're not realizing is our minds is getting rewired for being paranoid.

I mean, yes those things happen. Yes, you need to be careful. But the likeliness of that happening is unlikely to be above 1%. But because that's what you keep hearing or seeing, you began thinking these dangers are always lurking around when in reality, they are unlikely to happen (unless you know you live or stay in a notoriously dangerously place such as crime infested area).

So I simply cut the TV and don't think too much about bad news. I just keep myself safe and don't think too much so paranoia won't take over.

I advice that you also consider your paranoia's source. But most likely, it's just an exaggerated thought.

I hope that helps!
 

Real Deal Denver

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I'm actually going to start doing this, and I'll let you know how it turns out. Thanks a lot!
And have FUN with it. Who was your tormentor in childhood, or your worthless manager at a job? Choose that name for your nemesis.

When I was a child, I had an inflatable vinyl bag thing that had an image of a clown on it. It was weighted on the bottom, and the general idea was to punch this so it would fall over, but it would bounce back up because of the weighted bottom. That was great fun.

punching clown.JPG

Use this same "technique" when your nemesis shows up. Is it enough to tell him he's a loser and to get lost? Maybe you can add a choice adjective here or there.

You might want to remind him that he's getting fat/old/losing hair - or whatever. Every ounce of resentment that you can throw at him is some that you no longer have inside of you.

rodney dangerfield.JPG

That's all for now, you {edited to maintain the PG rating here}

I'll take 3 points for that one. I can do better. The people with tourette's syndrome shouldn't get to have all the fun.
 

Olie Sins

Contributor
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One thing I learned from reading The Art of The Deal is that when everyone else sees problems, one guy sees a tremendous opportunity.

One thing I have seen over and over again is that a man's greatest weakness is his greatest strength, and his greatest strength is also his greatest weakness.

All this noise about looking back at your childhood, dude, you've got a gift. You are an angry killer. That's power.

Only recommendation would be Bruce Lee's advice, never attack out of anger.

Also, remember H.A.L.T. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Never make a big decision in any one of those states of mind. That's straight from Gary in his Gary Halbert Letters.

You aren't a pussy, and about 99% of the people you are surrounded by these days, are.

Find a way to use it, I know it's generic, but once you do, I believe you'll really start to kill it.
 

Rabby

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You can definitely change this. It's a habit, that's all. You stopped drinking, so you can stop following the anger ruts that you've dug into your mind over time.

The best way is to substitute a new reaction-process.

Here's what's happening. There is a trigger -- you're surprised by an outcome, or you put in work and got no result, or someone broke a promise that you hoped they would keep.

In response to that trigger (or those triggers), your habit is to follow an angry reaction script. This probably has a benefit for you. It allows you to express frustration, gives you a way to close the event, and at the end you feel like you completed a process; even if you're embarrassed about how.

You're embarrassed by the programmed side of yourself. It's the part that "just does things." You also have a programmer side - you're in control of yourself as a person. At least, at the design level. In other words, you can make new routines, and cause them to be habits.

Try this: choose a reaction that makes you feel better about yourself, but still gives you "whatever" you're getting from your angry reaction. This might take a few experiments, because you may not know "why" the angry reaction helps you. But it could be about feelings of low worth, or ego defense, or fear of losing control of your environment, or lack of closure. None of these mean you're shitty. They're just fears and anxieties that everyone experiences.

I find I can substitute levity for anger. For example, it is very easy for me to get angry about mental laziness and excuse-making. But as common as those things are, I would be a tyrant if my go-to reaction was anger. So I have substituted laughter. Now I just laugh. And I really do find it funny now, in a sad-funny sort of way, that people can avoid thinking, avoid taking responsibility, and then complain about the result. I can laugh and move on, and it's better than poisoning myself with anger.

Similarly, I found I was getting frustrated and shouting expletives in my city's ridiculous traffic. I realized that my anger was not at people or idiotic construction detours, but at being delayed on my way to an objective. Since I like audiobooks, I substituted relief and pleasant surprise for those stuck-in-traffic moments. Now if I'm caught in a jam, I think, oh cool! Now I can listen to my book!

Example occurrence: Someone failed to do what they said they would do.

Example reactions:
  • They betrayed me! Damn! How dare them! (anger, defensiveness)
  • Phew. Glad we got that out of the way. Now I know not to rely on this person's words. That could have cost me a lot more. (relief)
  • Oh well. Another one to check off the list of trustworthy people. (disappointment, closure)
  • Hahaha! What a joke. This guy expects trust when he can't deliver on the smallest promises? (humor, incredulity)
The same specific things might not work for everyone, but the process of substituting new thinking habits will work.
 

Rabby

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I know this does something to a child's brain, basically hardwires them to feel unsafe at all times.
Programs, not hard wires. This is a potential limiting belief. Book recommendation that is fascinating in many ways, but also illustrates the point.
 
OP
OP
Ninjakid

Ninjakid

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Hello.

ON ANGER

Examine your thoughts when you're getting angry. What triggers you? What makes you angry even when practically nothing bad has happened?

I know that, quite a bit, because I've been there some time. I actually still struggle sometimes.

There was also a time when I see almost everything around me as so annoying and stupid I'm already angry - before things would even happen, and if they would even happen.

But like you, I'm calm and happy outside. Well I'm actually really calm inside. And outside I'm not a grumpy guy walking around like I'm about to smack someone's face.

But sometimes the devil seems to whisper something. This usually happens when I'm driving. Sometimes I got annoyed at the sight of a motorcycle (even when I ride a motorcycle myself, LOL). That's because motorcycles here in the Philippines are notorious for carelessly swerving in the road. This is annoying especially if you ride a car (and I also have a car). But in reality, nothing really happened. The motorcycle I saw didn't swerve or something. He just peacefully drives the road.

How did I solve this issue?

Once I almost had a road rage with a mini truck driver. I didn't intend to pick a fight, though we both shouted at each other. But as I parked my motorcycle just a few meters from the scene, the truck stopped in front of us. The driver (or his right man) didn't get out, though, say to confront me?

They may think I'm a tough man; I'm scared to death as they pulled over in front of us, LOL! But after a few seconds, their engine roared and drove away - never to be heard or seen again.

I had a realization: Because of my stupid anger, I'm putting myself into danger!

"What if the man had a gun and shoot me at point blank?" I asked myself.

From now on I learned to control my temper, though it's still a struggle.

I think, and in my experience, those anger burst are just preconceptions of your mind - usually because of bad experiences. Like in my case, my irate against motorcycles are a product of my past bad experiences with bad motorcycle drivers even when in reality, as of course, not all motorcycle drivers are bad.

So examine your thoughts. Maybe they are just preconceptions after all. If so, don't generalize things (I know it's easy to say and kinda hard to do). But recognizing it again and again will help.

This applies not just to driving by the way, but to all areas in life.

ON PARANOIA

I also have a paranoia, and so far I haven't found any pretty solutions yet.

This paranoia stems from "bad news" you hear in TV or family/friends.

Imagine you're watching TV (news) and all you hear is this:

"X was killed by a street man"
"Y was robbed in their house. Y and family dead."
"Z was raped in the middle of the bushes."

At first, it seems they are just information you take caution on. But in my experience, what we're not realizing is our minds is getting rewired for being paranoid.

I mean, yes those things happen. Yes, you need to be careful. But the likeliness of that happening is unlikely to be above 1%. But because that's what you keep hearing or seeing, you began thinking these dangers are always lurking around when in reality, they are unlikely to happen (unless you know you live or stay in a notoriously dangerously place such as crime infested area).

So I simply cut the TV and don't think too much about bad news. I just keep myself safe and don't think too much so paranoia won't take over.

I advice that you also consider your paranoia's source. But most likely, it's just an exaggerated thought.

I hope that helps!
Hey thanks for sharing your story.

Anger and paranoia are just symptoms of underlying anxiety. Anxiety is from needing protect your sense of self. If you feel your Self is weak, you would be anxious to protect it. Of course there are a myriad of different ways this manifests.

Driving is actually quite stressful, and I've heard that it's because you're in a constant state of heightened awareness.

If you check out @Real Deal Denver's post on this thread, he shows an interesting method to dealing with these emotions. Just remember, the anger/anxiety/paranoia is just an illusion!

What's your eating like? I found out that anxiety is often caused because people are hungry lol. Jordan Peterson once said he solved half his patients' problems with anxiety by getting them to eat breakfast.

Jocko Willink has a good video here about learning to control your behaviour
View: https://youtu.be/JG3rDKPN_ZY


The thing is, anger, anxiety and negative emotions in general are quite destructive our health. The body is literally a manifestation of our thoughts and feelings. That's enough motivation itself to learn to manage our inner states.

And have FUN with it. Who was your tormentor in childhood, or your worthless manager at a job? Choose that name for your nemesis.

When I was a child, I had an inflatable vinyl bag thing that had an image of a clown on it. It was weighted on the bottom, and the general idea was to punch this so it would fall over, but it would bounce back up because of the weighted bottom. That was great fun.

View attachment 23497

Use this same "technique" when your nemesis shows up. Is it enough to tell him he's a loser and to get lost? Maybe you can add a choice adjective here or there.

You might want to remind him that he's getting fat/old/losing hair - or whatever. Every ounce of resentment that you can throw at him is some that you no longer have inside of you.

View attachment 23498

That's all for now, you {edited to maintain the PG rating here}

I'll take 3 points for that one. I can do better. The people with tourette's syndrome shouldn't get to have all the fun.
I actually want to name him Ernie not to jack your style haha. But whenever I think of Ernie I think of the guy from Sesame Street, and I can't even take it seriously anymore :playful:
Or maybe I'll name him Shia. Shia LaBeouf is kind an angry guy, but whenever I think about him it's hilarious. Seen so many memes lol.
View: https://youtu.be/8IXCK1EyP4s


One thing I learned from reading The Art of The Deal is that when everyone else sees problems, one guy sees a tremendous opportunity.

One thing I have seen over and over again is that a man's greatest weakness is his greatest strength, and his greatest strength is also his greatest weakness.

All this noise about looking back at your childhood, dude, you've got a gift. You are an angry killer. That's power.

Only recommendation would be Bruce Lee's advice, never attack out of anger.

Also, remember H.A.L.T. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Never make a big decision in any one of those states of mind. That's straight from Gary in his Gary Halbert Letters.

You aren't a pussy, and about 99% of the people you are surrounded by these days, are.

Find a way to use it, I know it's generic, but once you do, I believe you'll really start to kill it.
Thanks man. I will take the angry energy and transmute it into positivity, rather than something destructive.
Truthfully, I'm more of a healer, than a fighter. I wanted to become a pro MMA fighter at one point, but one of the reasons I ditched that goal was because I hated hurting people.
I just got to unlearn a ton of negative conditioning. But that's okay, the brain and nervous system is not much more than an organic computer anyways ;)

I haven't heard H.A.L.T. before, but that's good advice! I'll have to remember that.

And Bruce Lee has always been an inspiration to me!
You can definitely change this. It's a habit, that's all. You stopped drinking, so you can stop following the anger ruts that you've dug into your mind over time.

The best way is to substitute a new reaction-process.

Here's what's happening. There is a trigger -- you're surprised by an outcome, or you put in work and got no result, or someone broke a promise that you hoped they would keep.

In response to that trigger (or those triggers), your habit is to follow an angry reaction script. This probably has a benefit for you. It allows you to express frustration, gives you a way to close the event, and at the end you feel like you completed a process; even if you're embarrassed about how.

You're embarrassed by the programmed side of yourself. It's the part that "just does things." You also have a programmer side - you're in control of yourself as a person. At least, at the design level. In other words, you can make new routines, and cause them to be habits.

Try this: choose a reaction that makes you feel better about yourself, but still gives you "whatever" you're getting from your angry reaction. This might take a few experiments, because you may not know "why" the angry reaction helps you. But it could be about feelings of low worth, or ego defense, or fear of losing control of your environment, or lack of closure. None of these mean you're sh*tty. They're just fears and anxieties that everyone experiences.

I find I can substitute levity for anger. For example, it is very easy for me to get angry about mental laziness and excuse-making. But as common as those things are, I would be a tyrant if my go-to reaction was anger. So I have substituted laughter. Now I just laugh. And I really do find it funny now, in a sad-funny sort of way, that people can avoid thinking, avoid taking responsibility, and then complain about the result. I can laugh and move on, and it's better than poisoning myself with anger.

Similarly, I found I was getting frustrated and shouting expletives in my city's ridiculous traffic. I realized that my anger was not at people or idiotic construction detours, but at being delayed on my way to an objective. Since I like audiobooks, I substituted relief and pleasant surprise for those stuck-in-traffic moments. Now if I'm caught in a jam, I think, oh cool! Now I can listen to my book!

Example occurrence: Someone failed to do what they said they would do.

Example reactions:
  • They betrayed me! Damn! How dare them! (anger, defensiveness)
  • Phew. Glad we got that out of the way. Now I know not to rely on this person's words. That could have cost me a lot more. (relief)
  • Oh well. Another one to check off the list of trustworthy people. (disappointment, closure)
  • Hahaha! What a joke. This guy expects trust when he can't deliver on the smallest promises? (humor, incredulity)
The same specific things might not work for everyone, but the process of substituting new thinking habits will work.
Yeah I think we all have a paradigm, which includes a range of emotions we typically feel. The inner work comes with changing these paradigms.

I really like using humor to defuse things. I'm going to start doing that again!
Programs, not hard wires. This is a potential limiting belief. Book recommendation that is fascinating in many ways, but also illustrates the point.
Yes that's what I meant. Our bodies and minds are actually surprisingly malleable.
 

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