Support of spouse/significant other?

[Rainy_TX]

I'm curious if there is anyone else who doesn't have the support of their spouse/significant other in their writing ventures?

 

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[Held for Ransom]

Can you share any details or no?

 

[AroundTheWorld]

I haven't seen any threads around here specific to writing, but there have been a few over the years on this topic in general:

https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/threads/type-of-spouse-wife-for-entrepreneur.12999/

https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/co...-spouse-in-same-mindset-of-getting-rich.2773/

Specific solutions may vary depending upon if it an objection to time spent, or the dream, or general financial mindset...

 

[Rainy_TX]

Just... frustrated. I was hoping someone could share with me how they deal with their partner thinking what they are doing is silly and a waste of good time. Like... you see them sitting there, playing on their phone... and you ask them to take a look at the "look inside" of your newest book to see what they think, and their response is, "No. I don't want to mess up my amazon recommendations."

 

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[Rainy_TX]

I've been told numerous times that I'd make more at McDonald's than messing with my silly writings.

 

[Held for Ransom]

"No. I don't want to mess up my amazon recommendations."

Wow.

I've been told numerous times that I'd make more at McDonald's than messing with my silly writings.

Uhhh... I really have no response to that except I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, it sounds to me like there's bigger issues at play. Are you guys married? Hate to get too personal but man, that's rough. It's hard enough when you are starting out.

That kind of crap is pretty much the last thing you need right now.

 

[Rainy_TX]

Yeah, we are married.

Yeah, it sounds to me like there's bigger issues at play.

Perhaps you are right.

 

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[AroundTheWorld]

Aw man. I'm sorry.

I agree with HfR. It sounds to me like there is something else going on. From a woman's perspective, here are my top guesses...

1) She wants to spend more time with you.
2) She is stressed about money or feeling like what you are doing isn't a solution.

So, my very amateur and unsolicited advice to you is to have a heart to heart with her. Start the conversation with trying to find out what is bothering her. LISTEN AND UNDERSTAND. Make the conversation as honest, calm, and compassionate as you can. If it is either of the two above, or something else that you haven't thought of... but it is a more concrete "root" of the problem, then you can brainstorm solutions.

TIME: Make sure you designate time for her. Rearrange your schedule a bit.
MONEY: Well, you will still need to drill down to a more specific root of her anxiety, but there are paths toward solutions.

Then. later.... after you have worked on implementing a solution for a bit, let her know how it feels to you when she says those things, and what you would prefer.

 

[Rainy_TX]

...He. It's my husband. I've already asked him your questions 1 and 2, those aren't issues. So, who knows.

 

[AroundTheWorld]

you are a woman!!!! LOL

okay, my bad and I"m so sorry. I'm still trying to learn about all the people here...
I have to laugh, because people have done that to me in the past, and now I'm guilty.

So, he won't open up about what else it might be? Maybe this is getting to personal for a forum, so the following are some hypothetical questions:

Is your relationship this way in other areas or just when it comes to writing? Is he supportive in other areas of your life?
Is he threatened by your success or potential success?
Are there areas in his life where you could show more support?

And, if you still don't get to the bottom of it, I would say...

What is it you are seeking from him? Approval? Support? Someone to "talk shop" with? Is there a way to get this need met in another appropriate way?

Would you be able to just have this be "your thing" and just stop sharing with him this portion of your life? Doing so isn't necessarily a bad thing, depending upon the spirit in which it is done.

Just throwing out a bunch of random thoughts.

 

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[Rainy_TX]

you are a woman!!!! LOL
okay, my bad and I"m so sorry. I'm still trying to learn about all the people here...
I have to laugh, because people have done that to me in the past, and now I'm guilty.

No worries.

 

[Thriftypreneur]

...He. It's my husband. I've already asked him your questions 1 and 2, those aren't issues. So, who knows.

If only it were so simple. If you were playing Candy Crush on your phone, he'd probably have less to say about it than you pursuing a financial and intellectual endeavor. I've started and failed at countless opportunities while being in relationships, and I haven't experienced the support you're looking for. I've also been in relationships where this role was reversed.

The reasons for this can vary wildly, but from my experience and dealing with women who were pursuing more, these reasons for lack of support can include but aren't limited to...

1. Personal insecurities (If they do well, they'll leave me)
2. I have no idea what they're talking about
3. It's not mainstream (No one I know is doing this, they're not normal for pursuing it so hard - they should just play Angry Birds with me or head to the bar with me.)
4. Other... Other, and other.

As a male dealing with females, I can tell you that a fair amount of the time (even based on my own, selfish experiences), #1 was almost always the culprit. With a mix of #2 and #3 following close behind.

A spouse striving for success and a life that I didn't understand ('didn't' being the key word - because I'm speaking of when I was younger), a life different from what we had, was alien. Most guys don't know how to support an ambitious and driven women, especially one seeking to obtain something that is more than said man is currently able to provide. Personal insecurities and inadequacies can run rampant in such situations, and, if I had to guess, I'd imagine these two emotions are the likely problem for him.

Just my opinion/experience.

 

[Held for Ransom]

Hmm, boy...

Well, here goes nothin'... This might wander a bit.

I am a guy. I've been through various stages of success and failure in my life. My wife is a successful professional in her own right but inside of her beats the heart of an entrepreneur. Why else would she put up with me? Heh.

Sorry. Told you it might wander...

Anyway! Before we got together I did well for myself in a Slowlane job capacity. Then, I lost all of that and only had what I'd saved. We'd just moved across the country and I was pretty much screwed. Undaunted, I did what I had to keep things floating on my end. Even so, everything I attempted prior to e-books was of moderate success at best.

Now, we are both very secure people as individuals. And we are both a little older as well. I don't know how old you are (or your husband) but that's not a non-issue in my mind.

Anyway, as I floundered around trying things, she never said anything to me unless I got down which was rare. Even then, she said, just keep going. You'll get it. That is an incredible thing when you are struggling.

So, if I had to take a stab at it... a total shot in the dark... I would guess that at some level he's threatened by your desire to change. He's doing things in a passive aggressive way to keep you where you are.

In other words, he wants the girl he knew, not this new one.

I could be wayyyy off base there so just take that dopey advice with a huge grain of salt. And, even if that is true, it doesn't mean it's hopeless. It just means you need to be 100% honest with him about what you are doing, why you are doing it and why his actions are so hurtful to you. If he's a thoughtful person, he will listen even if it takes time.

You are at a delicate stage and support is super important.

Eeessshhh... I feel nervous just posting this!

 

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[Rainy_TX]

Eeessshhh... I feel nervous just posting this!

No reason for nervousness. I appreciate your thoughts.

So, if I had to take a stab at it... a total shot in the dark... I would guess that at some level he's threatened by your desire to change. He's doing things in a passive aggressive way to keep you where you are.

Well, he certainly is passive aggressive at times. You could be onto something.

 

[ChickenHawk]

In general, I think it can be hard to have a Fastlane mentality when you're married to someone who doesn't think that way. It can be a really lonely place. Given the fact that, I dunno, maybe 5% of the population (maybe less) embraces the Fastlane concepts, the odds of two Fastlaners getting together are probably pretty slim. That leaves a lot of room for disconnects.

The Fastlaner thinks, "Why is he/she wasting all that time on TV/VideoGames/Whatever." The Non-Fastlaner thinks, "Well, there he/she goes again on some new 'get rich' scheme!"

But it does sound like there's more at play here. Regardless of what you're pursuing, it's a shame to not have the person you love show at least a little interest, especially for a book that you've put your heart and soul into. But if it makes you feel any better, my husband hasn't read my latest book either. I didn't ask him to, and he didn't offer. Eh, it used to bother me. Now, I dunno... He's been supportive in other ways, like taking our son to a movie to give me writing time, or helping me move my office around. Is your spouse supportive in other ways? If so, that might help. But if not, that can be really rough.

In general, I hate to look at things with a gender bias, but I've often wondered if it's more lonely for female Fastlaners, because it's a bit of a role-reversal. And of course, that's one reason this forum is so great. We can all cheer each other on, even if the rest of the world doesn't always get it.

 

[Rainy_TX]

At first, I regretted making this thread... but I'm glad that I did now. You guys are a big help in making me feel not so alone in this venture.

 

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[Thriftypreneur]

The Fastlaner thinks, "Why is he/she wasting all that time on TV/VideoGames/Whatever." The Non-Fastlaner thinks, "Well, there he/she goes again on some new 'get rich' scheme!"

Just quoting this for truth. I've been on both sides of the fence in serious relationships/marriage.

In general, I hate to look at things with a gender bias, but I've often wondered if it's more lonely for female Fastlaners, because it's a bit of a role-reversal.

Also quoting this because I've experienced it. When my lady was reaching toward stars that I knew would put her out of my reach (or that I THOUGHT would put her out of my reach) insecurities ran rampant and sparks (not the good kind) flew. I'll admit that straight up because I think that just comes with being young and broke, lol. Thankfully, I'm a lot older and wiser now.

 

[AroundTheWorld]

In general, I hate to look at things with a gender bias, but I've often wondered if it's more lonely for female Fastlaners, because it's a bit of a role-reversal. And of course, that's one reason this forum is so great. We can all cheer each other on, even if the rest of the world doesn't always get it.

I am the same way, philosophically anyway. But, in reality I tend to think that gender issues really are magnified when it comes to attitudes about money, being the "bread winner," safety, security, etc.

I do think that 'generally' a man's response to a his wife becoming financially successful will be different from a woman's response to her husband becoming financially successful.

Women "fastlaners" do experience a unique set of challenges. It definitely IS nice to have other women on this forum!

 

[Thriftypreneur]

In general, I hate to look at things with a gender bias, but I've often wondered if it's more lonely for female Fastlaners, because it's a bit of a role-reversal. And of course, that's one reason this forum is so great. We can all cheer each other on, even if the rest of the world doesn't always get it.

I am the same way, philosophically anyway. But, in reality I tend to think that gender issues really are magnified when it comes to attitudes about money, being the "bread winner," safety, security, etc.
I do think that 'generally' a man's response to a his wife becoming financially successful will be different from a woman's response to her husband becoming financially successful.
Women "fastlaners" do experience a unique set of challenges. It definitely IS nice to have other women on this forum!

In general, I hate to look at things with a gender bias, but I've often wondered if it's more lonely for female Fastlaners, because it's a bit of a role-reversal.

Yup, it's true. I think maybe because I was raise a little old school, but if you're making 5 million and we're set for life, I still want to be making 7 million.

Not because I think women are less or should be less, or anything even close to that, but maybe because I won't be defending our home from raiders or bandits and I can't prove my worth with a sword anymore.

These be confusing times for men of the modern world...

...

thank god I'm single! Ha!

 

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[Rainy_TX]

Not because I think women are less or should be less, or anything even close to that, but maybe because I won't be defending our home from raiders or bandits and I can't prove my worth with a sword anymore.

Totally made me laugh.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

okay, my bad and I"m so sorry. I'm still trying to learn about all the people here...
I have to laugh, because people have done that to me in the past, and now I'm guilty.

Ah ha - gender mix-up!!

Folks, it's always best to update your GENDER so it shows in your profile postings ... really, really helps clear-up communication and prevent misunderstandings. Message to everyone: Please do so if you have the chance!!!

At first, I regretted making this thread... but I'm glad that I did now.

I'm going to assume that your book is your avatar ... and if it is, I'm going to say it looks rock solid, like something straight out of Random House or Penguin. You need to be proud.

They say you can't judge a book by it's cover, but we all know in the publishing game that's BS. Anyhow, I was going to say that if that little gem is YOURS and a product of YOUR sweat, YOUR hard work, and YOUR creative mind, you have every right to be proud of what you're doing although your hubby might not see the immediate dividends, nor understand.

You see, what I see isn't a book with a nice cover, but the manifestation of a dream ... a dream that has been attacked and pursued. That cannot be discounted and I sincerely hope the hubby can eventually understand that to not go after your dream is simply to commit spiritual suicide.

Anyhow, thank you for sharing and being apart of this community. I hope things improve in all aspects of the challenges you're facing.

 

[socaldude]

It does sound like your husband is passive aggressive. It sounds like there are deeper unconscious issues at play here.

Maybe your husband fears your ambition? Maybe he thinks that your success would somehow point out his inadequacies? Just a theory.

IMO the solution to these confusions is to have an open honest talk about it. Open honest communication is always great therapy and can bring some clarity to your relationship.

 

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[Thriftypreneur]

Totally made me laugh.

It's funny, but it's true. Many men of the modern age struggle with role identity. I mean, you look at times past... we were hunters, gatherers, had to hunt and provide for food, protect our women and children from the wild and men, even in times not so distant, but the modern age has been drastically changing the role that DNA says men are equipped for.

Now, before I get jumped on, I'm not saying men are above women or anything like that... really... I don't think that (I was raised by 3 women who would kill me if I thought something like that). I'm just suggesting that it's just tough for some men to step out of the provider role in an age where sex doesn't have much weight on that role.

It's why, as I posted above in my ramblings, guys can seem to lack support for your fastlane endeavors... not because they don't care or love you or what you to succeed, but because they're really just worried about feeling useless. Understanding that, if that is indeed the issue, can make things pretty easy to fix with a little cleverness and a couple date nights.

 

[ChickenHawk]

These be confusing times for men of the modern world...

I agree with this totally! Men aren't allowed to be masculine or protective anymore -- unless they're vampires, apparently. It's sad. If you get the door for a woman, you have to fear being called a pig. If you don't get the door, you risk the chance of being looked upon as rude. I live in the Deep South, though, and old-fashioned manners are still quite common, which I find pretty nice.

Meanwhile, women are pressured to be everything to everybody. You've got to have an interesting job, be a good homemaker, and stay hot and sexy too. Remember that old perfume commercial? This chick is singing, "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, ever, let you forget you're a man, because I'm a woomaaan!" This crap was advertised for the "24-hour woman." Oh. My. God. So, 20-30 years later, and both genders are still paying for that hogwash. It's gotten to the point where stay-at-home Moms are looked on as less interesting when they do the most important job in the world, and women who work feel guilty for not spending more time and energy on their kids.

And the men don't know what to think, because there are so many conflicting messages floating around. I fear for my son sometimes.

We're all tired and confused. Okay, maybe we're not ALL tired and confused. But it sure can be exhausting and confusing.

Wow, that was quite a rant, wasn't it? Here, let me wipe the spittle off the screen...

The Commercial: (EDIT: I just noticed that this is the version where she's reading bedtime stories to the kids. There's another one where she's whipping up a dinner instead, or maybe both. Sheesh!)

 

[Rainy_TX]

I'm going to assume that your book is your avatar ... and if it is, I'm going to say it looks rock solid, like something straight out of Random House or Penguin. You need to be proud.
They say you can't judge a book by it's cover, but we all know in the publishing game that's BS. Anyhow, I was going to say that if that little gem is YOURS and a product of YOUR sweat, YOUR hard work, and YOUR creative mind, you have every right to be proud of what you're doing although your hubby might not see the immediate dividends, nor understand.
You see, what I see isn't a book with a nice cover, but the manifestation of a dream ... a dream that has been attacked and pursued. That cannot be discounted and I sincerely hope the hubby can eventually understand that to not go after your dream is simply to commit spiritual suicide.
Anyhow, thank you for sharing and being apart of this community. I hope things improve in all aspects of the challenges you're facing.

Yes, that is my book. Thank you so much for the cover design praise, (I did a lot of research on covers for the genre before I started designing it) and for the kind words. I cannot thank you enough for creating this venue for like-minded people to come together.

Understanding that, if that is indeed the issue, can make things pretty easy to fix with a little cleverness and a couple date nights.

Sounds like the makings for a story...

 

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[Rainy_TX]

We're all tired and confused. Okay, maybe we're not ALL tired and confused. But it sure can be exhausting and confusing.
Wow, that was quite a rant, wasn't it? Here, let me wipe the spittle off the screen...

You, madam, are a rock star!

 

[Thriftypreneur]

I agree with this totally! Men aren't allowed to be masculine or protective anymore -- unless they're vampires, apparently. It's sad. If you get the door for a woman, you have to fear being called a pig. If you don't get the door, you risk the chance of being looked upon as rude.

Yep... and it extends WAY beyond getting a door, lol.

I live in the Deep South, though, and old-fashioned manners are still quite common, which I find pretty nice.

I also grew up in the Deep South (south and proud and a little red neck too!) and am still living in Las Vegas (have for a few years)... so I can attest to being completely confused!

 

[lleone]

I don't have much to add to what's already been said, but sometimes a spouse is supportive in some places and not in others. The reasons are never what they seem to be at the surface. Surround yourself with people that are supportive and once you make it, I'm sure he'll come around....and YOU WILL make it!

 

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[DeletedUser2]

And the men don't know what to think, because there are so many conflicting messages floating around. I fear for my son sometimes.

YEP too many men, lost....

but really, they need to stand up and become MEN. and that means the HARD PART OF BEING A MAN. RESPONSIBILITY.

MAN UP!

Time for a book or 2....

Z

 

[Lauryn]

Most guys don't know how to support an ambitious and driven women, especially one seeking to obtain something that is more than said man is currently able to provide. Personal insecurities and inadequacies can run rampant in such situations, and, if I had to guess, I'd imagine these two emotions are the likely problem for him.

I can agree with this. Generally speaking role identity has changed - as has been stated previously - and everyone's searching for a construct that works for them.

If he is passive-aggressive, I think he made it clear with his "Amazon recommendations" quip as well as telling you that you'll make more elsewhere.

There's so many potential ideas. He could feel threatened. He could feel resentful. He could be scared he's less important or that what you're doing means what he's doing for you and the family isn't good enough.

I can't tell you because these are his actions. Not mine. The important thing is that you stay motivated. Stay enriched. Stay on top. Let the results speak for themselves once you really start to roll out. Don't snap back at him, if you can. Just keep calm and keep it moving.