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How ditching self help has improved my life.

Discussion in 'General Mindset, Motivation, Beliefs' started by Martinv678, Mar 3, 2018.

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  1. Martinv678
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    Martinv678 Bronze Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane Speedway Pass

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    Like a guy addicted to crake, I have been a guru’s wet dream for the last 7 years. I would watch hours up on hours of secret’s, strategies and keys for a better life. I loved the works of people like Bob proctor and Tony Robbins.

    Luckily I’ve never forked out for expensive seminars but have been at seminars and watched people sign up for the “Secret success $15k weekend extravaganza”.

    I recently turned 30 and this point reflected on the decade just gone. What I came to realise is most morning’s I would wake up, think about why I’m not this “vision” of success and feel like utter sh*t.

    Until one morning, I woke up, anxious as hell as to why “I wasn’t a millionaire yet and why I wasn’t successful” to realise it’s maybe self help isn’t helping, but like and anchor, holding me back.

    Here’s how I realised self help has actually deferred me from drastically moving forward:

    1. I became a magpie…


    For me self help causes the next shiny thing syndrome. You become focused on your goals. I want “x amount of money in 5 years”.

    You see someone else raking it in so you jump on board with what they’re doing. Not realising they may strengths in that field and you don’t and to make the same amount would require real hard “process”.

    When you stop and think about what value you could provide (without the money goal) you’re more likely to hit the money target. This is because your business will be focused on what others want to pay for rather than the “how much money can I make” way of thinking.

    Had I just stuck with some of the ideas and business I had from my earlier years who knows where I could have been now.

    2. I believed I had to match the illusion of success:

    When you read and listen to too much self help, you start to compare yourself to the person that the guru portrays.

    For me “success” is a moving target. When I was broke success was enough money to buy food. Now “success” is a much bigger image.

    I read a famous book that said “you really need to be getting up at 5 in the morning as the is what successful people do”. So I started setting my alarm for 5.

    After a month, I felt like death. I was tired, zombie like and just not functioning… I was like “look at me a vision of success getting up at 5” but realistically it was killing me.

    These visions of “success” may work for some and not others.

    I’m lucky in the sense that I know some pretty successful people, who have created 7 figure businesses and they are pretty “normal”. They worked hard to get where they got to, but none of it was down to visualisation’s and getting up at 5 in the morning. They did what was needed to do be done and relaxed when they didn’t.

    The self help “success” boilerplate I feel is there to make you feel bad so that one day you buy the “Secret success $15k weekend extravaganza”.

    Looking back at my 20’s I was pretty successful. I moved from broke to 6 figures in around 5 years and also made some great relationships. All of which I never appreciated until I ditched the self help.

    3. I compared my life to others.

    What I’ve come to realise is that there is always someone crushing it ahead of you or much younger than you.

    If money is your litmus for success then you will always see the 20 year old who is a millionaire. You can not compare yourself to this but instead congratulate the big win and continue with your life and path.

    As I’ve dropped the self help I realise what we’re all aiming for is fun and excitement. And what excites you may not excite others (and vice versa) and business and work should excite you.

    Even if have a trash collecting business, you could be passionate for a cleaner environment which excites you. Guru's have a tendancy to make you think you need to build the next Facebook.

    ----

    I’d like to help people that are feeling the same… I know it’s hard sometimes when you see people here and outside “killing it” to think you’re a nobody or that you could be better.

    I believe you really have to know what success is in your eyes. Life is journey were all on and rewards can come and different periods.

    I also don’t want to fully poo poo self help. It can be great. It got me off my a$$ and start something which gave me good income. Only if it is becoming a detriment to your happiness then it may be time to step back and re-think.

    I'd love to know your thoughts!
     
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  2. Dunkafelics
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    Dunkafelics Silver Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED Speedway Pass Summit Attendee

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    I still follow the old materials of Tony Robbins such as, "Awaken the Giant Within" and "Personal Power II"

    I do believe those specific materials are a goldmine of information. Things like mastering your emotions, the words you use, how to frame things are all important concepts to have in your back pocket for daily living.

    That being said, I agree with you in the sense that the upsell model of a lot of these types of self-help models can lead people down a dark path if they have not been vetted properly. I've attended a few seminars over the years and like you, I never paid out big money to get involved in these programs.

    It comes down to the fact that people need to have due diligence. Not just for spending money on self-help programs and seminars, but for all the information that they allow into their lives.

    My brain can only take on a certain amount of new information at a time at this point. So I need to guard my mental capacity and ensure that it is filled with the best information out there to live a high-quality life. I can only assume, that there are others who feel the same way.

    It sounds like you have had a great journey so far and as you are in your early 30's (like me), it seems like you know what you want and the direction you are headed in. Kudos to that @Martinv678.
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2018
    Lexium, Xeon, DeletedUser052 and 3 others like this.
  3. MJ DeMarco
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    MJ DeMarco Raving Lunatic Staff Member Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED FASTLANE INSIDER Speedway Pass LEGENDARY CONTRIBUTOR Summit Attendee

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    Admin Post
    The TLDR for the shortcut seekers...

    :checkbox:Stop focusing on money, focus on solutions and relative value... (Unscripted, Chapter 21)
    :checkbox:Focus on the solution/value... (Unscripted, Chapter 21, 32, 35)
    :checkbox:Stop copying what works for other people, podium-popping and survival spotlighting (Unscripted, Chapter 26).
    :checkbox:Stop comparing your progress externally (he's richer, he looks more successful, etc.) (Unscripted, Chapter 43)

    See, had my book been available 10 years ago and you read it, you would have saved yourself 10 years of heartache.

    And that's why I wrote it, because someone reading this right now is 20, and about to repeat the same mistakes you made. :oops:

    Excellent post thank you for sharing...
     
    Deceiver, Lexium, Levit and 18 others like this.
  4. Longinus
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    Longinus Platinum Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED FASTLANE INSIDER Speedway Pass

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    Very true.

    TMF was the first book I read that questioned the guru nonsens I was consuming. I did it for years and guess what: I started preaching this sh*t total Andrew A style as well. I wanted to become a guru myself.

    Perhaps that's why I'm tired of that motivation marketing as well. Things like MFCEO, Cardone or Gary V are good, but I just don't need no motivation no more. I quit reading Relentless from Tim Grover for that reason too.
     
  5. johnp
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    johnp Gold Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane FASTLANE INSIDER Speedway Pass

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    This is probably the best post on this forum about self-help and self improvement.

    I feel the exact same way.

    I picked up Tony Robbins Personal Power II last month and all I'm hearing are pitches guru fluff. Don't get me wrong, the content is okay. Tony is great. I'm sure it's good for people who are at different points in their lives. But this self-help stuff is kind of getting old and his stuff has become a chore to get through.
     
  6. Fortune5ive
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    Fortune5ive Bronze Contributor

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    Your advise is self-help. Lol
     
  7. masaldana2
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    masaldana2 Bronze Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED Speedway Pass

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    I needed to reread this chapter, as your mind gets filled with ads everyday hah...
    Thanks
     
  8. Kung Fu Steve
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    Kung Fu Steve Platinum Contributor Speedway Pass Summit Attendee

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    It's too easy to blame someone or something for a lack of success.

    There's no difference between saying "this guru made me buy his new thing so I couldn't focus" and "it rained in West Virginia today so I couldn't get any work done"

    I'll tell you all you need from the world of "self-help" ... personal responsibility.

    Not blaming yourself. Not blaming others. Taking responsibility for your own shortcomings.

    First and foremost if you don't have a goal or a dream... someone will sell you theirs.

    To say "shiny object syndrome" ...was that self-help's fault? ... or a lack of clarity?

    I'm really worried about many of the recent posts on the forum because if you're blaming everyone and everything else here -- there's a good chance you're blaming MJ elsewhere because you're not retired yet...
     
  9. Xeon
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    Xeon All Cars Kneel Before Pagani. Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED Speedway Pass

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    Not a fan of Tony but if I have to say one thing about him, he's the King of Feel Good. I saw his YouTube video last night and already I have a very warm, fuzzy feeling inside. I can see why folks pay thousands to go to his seminars and worship him like God.

    He's like this big brother alpha male who always look out for the pack, ensure everyone is well and ok, cares for you and your well-being....

    His charisma is through the roof.
     
    DeletedUser052 and masterneme like this.
  10. WestCoast
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    WestCoast Bronze Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED FASTLANE INSIDER Speedway Pass

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    I agree with this, and find it frustrating in two ways.

    1) I think it can kill someone's motivation to start somewhere. To try.
    It is easy for people to get down on themselves and not feel fulfilled since 'it won't be the next google'


    2) There is, I find, too much emphasis placed on *extreme* wealth.
    MJ and others have pointed it out. $10M in the bank produces almost $50k a month in interest. That's a LOT.

    You don't need $500M, $1B, $10B or whatever.
    I'm only 'successful' if I hit unicorn status right? Right? That's what you read about. Not the guy quietly making $30k a month selling candles from China....



    And what does it come down to?
    Comparisons of course. That people have the need to compare themselves to others for some reason.

    --
    Anyway, congrats on realizing none of that matters. You are the master of your own ship, and you set your own course.
    (and breaking your addiction to self-help!)

    Now get going, it is later than you think.
     
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  11. csalvato
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    csalvato Platinum Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane Speedway Pass Summit Attendee

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    I’ve taken many self help seminars that have helped propel me to new heights.

    I’ve purchased others that were a complete waste of time and money, and actually set me back by making me feel guilty about lack of success.

    Like anything else there’s different quality among the programs.

    And like anything else, even the best programs can be misunderstood by the person receiving.

    Shunning self help is shunning self reflection. Maybe some of these programs aren’t “for you” but the main thing in this game is looking at yourself regularly.

    Good self help seminars and materials provide a means of doing that by breaking out of your daily and weekly hustle/drudgery to gain perspective.

    If you expect one or even a couple of programs to absolutely change your life, you’re in for a bad time.

    What actually happens is you get a good lesson here, a great insight there and one day you look in the mirror and are like, “who the f*ck is this awesome person?!?”

    That’s when you realize the power of the process.
     
    Maxboost, Kung Fu Steve and Xeon like this.
  12. csalvato
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    csalvato Platinum Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane Speedway Pass Summit Attendee

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    Interesting to note you don’t like tony but your biggest goal this year is to make $800USD.

    I don’t mean for that to be disparaging, but if you went to one of Tony’s seminars you would probably come out feeling like 1M or 10M wasn’t just possible, but it was also probable.

    And you’d likely notice your thoughts working differently to accomplish those feats.

    At the end of the day tony has given people the tools and networks to generate billions of dollars in wealth and a huge amount of social change - directly and indirectly. That can’t be taken from him - it’s just an objective truth.

    That’s someone worth listening to and bearing with him through some pitches IMHO
     
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  13. csalvato
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    csalvato Platinum Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane Speedway Pass Summit Attendee

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    Sorry for the triple post, but just feeling compelled to share since self help is getting railed, particularly Tony Robbins.

    Regarding Tony, i suggested someone i know go to UPW and 3 months after she went (while unemployed, mind you), this is the volley of texts we had.

    25294A65-01C8-449A-8CD4-F9FA6234F5B9.jpeg 439E06DF-AC13-4C05-92EF-EA90F9A69EF2.jpeg

    Just because some people are bullshit doesn’t mean everything is bullshit. And just because some things aren’t helping you right now, doesn’t mean they can’t or won’t in the future.

    Generalizations are very harmful.

    PS - Self help books are nowhere near as values as self help experiences. Every self help book i ever read is very hard to put into actions... the experiences make the value super clear.

    PPS - I consider TMF, Unscripted and the summit self help. Those resources also shot me to new planes of existence.
     
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  14. WJK
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    WJK Gold Contributor Speedway Pass

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    So, you've studied the self-help movement... So, you got a good educations in different points of view on the subject... So, now you're applying yourself by putting some aspect(s) of that education to a good use -- becoming successful... So, you're 30 years old and finally working hard... So, your mad at all the guys who gave you a multi-year,free to cheap education -- because they wanted to sell you their expensive packages -- which made you aware that your gurus have clay feet and profit motivation for offering you their freebee...

    Here's my thoughts -- pick the best ideas from this broad education to apply to your current project. Go back and glean more information from all these sources, and others, as you need it. Have a grateful heart. You're not spending a large percentage of your time in the stacks at the library trying to ferret this information out of piles of dusty old books -- it's at your finger tips on the net.
    Remember, what outrages you today, will make you laugh tomorrow. It's just another ahha moment in your journey. Today's earth shaking revelations will only have the weight in your life that you assign them. Tomorrow you will blessed with a new set profound insights that will neatly take their place, enhance them, or maybe even over turning them. We call it "normal" in the process of being human.
     
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  15. Wim
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    Wim New Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane

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    I see a nice boiling together of some of OP's points here. While Tony Robbins may have tremendously helped her, it were her ideas and skills applied that made this all possible for her.

    She took the wisdom in it and is running with it, avoiding the up-sell pitfall built into these seminars. Good on her!
     
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  16. csalvato
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    csalvato Platinum Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane Speedway Pass Summit Attendee

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    Sort of. The upsell actually helped her. Don’t be closed minded to the upsell and pitches. Just take them for what they are.
     
  17. IGP
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    IGP Gold Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane I've Read UNSCRIPTED FASTLANE INSIDER Speedway Pass

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    I agree with @Kung Fu Steve - everything you described is not "self helps" fault. It's yours. And until you accept that reality AND embrace it, you will have a hard time succeeding.

    However, if/when you do it can be totally life changing, because when you realize you are 100% in charge of your own destiny it can be very empowering.

    “You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons or the wind, but you can change yourself.” -Jim Rohn
     
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  18. Kung Fu Steve
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    Kung Fu Steve Platinum Contributor Speedway Pass Summit Attendee

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    Can you clarify what you mean by this?

    I'm curious because I've been to over 220 different seminars many of which were actually businesses with more products and services to sell...

    ... many of which were sh*tty... but what's the difference here? What is the "up-sell pitfall"?
     
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  19. SoftStone
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    SoftStone Bronze Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane

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    Well, I think the key to self-improvement books in general is applying the advice in them.

    It's tempting to read book after book and get that dopamine rush, when what actually would have helped you would have been to pick a couple of good books and apply the advice in them we find reasonable.

    I think it can really lead to big results in your life if applied correctly. But on the other side, there is a trap.

    btw: who are the gurus telling you to build the "next unicorn"? Personally, I haven't stumbled upon them...
     
  20. Tharus
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    Tharus New Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane

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    After being apart quite a few of these programs/courses.

    The key thing is actually applying and sticking to what some program suggests.
    You will get some experience note I didn't say success.

    Most just chase the next tingle inducing source before they develop any experience that could carry over to something useful.

    One thing I can say it's finely tuned my BS detector.
     
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