{PROGRESS + ACCOUNTABILITY} LAURYN'S RECONSTRUCTION: GETTING TO 50 SHADES OF PAID

[Lauryn]

Hey Lauryn, just reading your thread...

I really respect you for your courage in posting your vision, your ambition, and your ups and downs as you make progress toward your goal.

Seeing as you are meeting each twist and turn with optimism and creative strategy, it seems only a matter of time.

I salute your hustle!

Continued success

Gracias! I am here to be accountable and that includes putting all the struggle out there for everyone to see. It will be laughable to hear about overnight riches from this. I just go hard.

Dying.

This cracks me up.

And, it goes to show you that with our connected world, there are SO MANY worlds / cultures that we just don't know about
or, with a little digging around, can tap into.

Still LOLing.

Agreed. I can't wait to worm my way in!

Bwahahahaha, that article was hilarious! I suppose she's changed pen names too by now.

I'm saying. If she's in a new genre altogether this is possible.

 

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[Lauryn]

Got some unexpected extra time today.
I want to really frame Acts 1, 2 and 3 of Playgirl Diaries.

It's taking some soul-searching, research and creativity to sculpt a believable character.

Bit of a spoiler, but my character's ending in Ricochet is not the "end" for her when I start the book. She's in the aftermath of it and still not able to cope. I don't know if it's my tendency to be overly perfectionistic with what I do, or just lack of clarity regarding the platform I want for her that's holding this story up. I feel like I'm stalling because I'm not sure what the heck I want her to do... before she starts doing what I have her do.

 

[Held for Ransom]

I didn't know she had to switch genres

I'll limit my commentary on all of this as I have a semi-friendship with this author and I respect her very much.

Suffice it to say, she's an exceptional writer who's managed to do even better for herself in spite of the obstacles put in her way via blocks and filters.

And yeah, AFAIK she's reinvented herself with an anonymous pen name and has done even better with it with no publicity, no list, nothing... except her ability and work ethic.

A real winner in this game. She's the real deal.

 

[Rainy_TX]

there's a woman bringing in $30k a month in bigfoot porn

Messin' with sasquatch...

Sorry, just had to say it.

 

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[AroundTheWorld]

... with an anonymous pen name and has done even better with it with no publicity, no list, nothing... except her ability and work ethic.

@Held for Ransom ~ you attribute this to her skill? Her craft? Her talent?

Or, her willingness to the the one with her butt in a chair? (ie: her persistance.)

 

[Cruor Vult]

Big News.

Ricochet - and tentatively, The Playgirl Diaries - has been signed to a publishing deal.

Nice. That's pretty good confirmation that your writing is good. I imagine that at this relatively early stage in your writing career, it can be good to have a publisher to speed you along. I hope it turns out to be a good experience for you. Though I almost hope you will return to self publishing so you can keep the entire income yourself.

 

[Lauryn]

@Cruor Vult - thanks. I definitely plan to publish on my own. But for this series, it's a genre I'm not familiar with so Im A-ok!

 

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[Lauryn]

For those of you who are following my self-publishing thread, I have mentioned that there were a lot of things crushing the flow in the path right now. Because the forum is so public, I didn't want to give too many details of the drama.

Even still, I'm limiting what I share here. I am not interested in pity or anything, just going into detail about what I've been experiencing and observing. And how it's been affecting me.

----

I have two jobs. My "bread and butter" is work for a private contractor for the City.

Within the 7 months I've been there we've been working under insane conditions. Of which I cannot specify due to a NDA we've signed, but let's say it's enough to cause a problem when one or more disgruntled employees file claims. *Which they have*

In the past few weeks:

- Several people were fired or quit
- The program director quit after non stop verbal abuse from the owner and working 16 hour days
- Government entities have investigated our conditions
- I felt like a target of workplace bullying
- Workplace drama lived with me because a coworker my friend (who is a supervisor) let stay in the house was centered in the middle of it.
- Said coworker basically pit me against my friend and vice versa, proving a theory I had to be true
- Workplace morale is low
- My department's behind because we're helping other departments

Blah blah blah - the point is I've renamed this place "SURVIVOR" because someone's always having an emotional breakdown, quitting, suffering from some kind of angst or getting fired.

Speaking with the Program Director today, she's proud of walking away. She really gave her all and is now focused on taking time for herself and then finding work in a place that she loves doing what she's passionate about. I slipped her a link to MJ's book, and I hope she can devour the book and find something to keep her really focused and away from working crazy a$$ hours like she did before.

Between speaking to her, you guys and people at my other job (hint: a "sexy" women's retailer), I've come to see the beauty and purpose of eliminating the hours for dollars mentality in my life. Money never came easier and more abundantly to me than when I was publishing. However, my laziness - and refusal to look a gift horse in the mouth - is why I am here where I am today.

So with that said, it's a struggle that I'm having so much confusion, calamity and chaos around me right now, but if I hold on for another 30-45 days, I'll actually be a city employee with a potential pay raise, and I'll hopefully have a full novel - not novella or short story - but a NOVEL - under my belt and ready to go.

 

[Lauryn]

In speaking to my friend about being stuck on my plot, she shared this wisdom:

Try living like your character for awhile. Focus on developing her character instead of focusing on the plot. It's not WHAT we do that is memorable it's the lessons we learn and how far we've come....what do you want for your character? How are the other characters being developed.

Yesterday i watched American Hustle with the girl I mentor (we got free tickets from agency) and the writer is F*cking brilliant....he/she didn't focus too much on the plot as he did on raw emotions & growth in each character- It made the plot almost irrelevant, i cared more about how the characters played into one another and how certain emotional reactions were provoked...never watched anything like it in my life...that's where this perspective is coming from.

 

[Lauryn]

Reading a Tip from 2k to 10K I finally figured out how to start the book. I created an outline, an 18 chapter outline, broken into 3 acts, regarding the first book. I had to take my friend's advice and tap into "where I was" during the similar times in my life, and pulled up some good bullet points.

My goal isn't to do anything but cultivate strong emotional responses from anyone reading the story. These strong responses will give readers a hook to keep reading. My paralysis came from my inability to create a realistic transition between where the story ended - in Ricochet - to where it picks up in PGD Vol. 1.

Knowing that tip alone - combined with the truth that evoking emotions is everything - those two are helping me piece together something awesome. It took about an hour to outline.

I spent the rest of my time before that reading up on some of the topics at hand pertaining to the couple and themes throughout the book. Now, I have to go into the abyss and meditate.

With all the craziness going on around me, it's time to stop looking outside and around for solace and sanity and go within. To me.

 

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[Cruor Vult]

Ricochet was plenty emotion evoking, you already know how to do that stuff. If you can keep manipulating the reader's emotions like that (I mean that in the nicest possible sense - that's your job as a writer), there's nothing between you and bestseller status. Well, except a little time and the habit of keeping the grind going hard.

 

[Lauryn]

Ricochet was plenty emotion evoking, you already know how to do that stuff. If you can keep manipulating the reader's emotions like that (I mean that in the nicest possible sense - that's your job as a writer), there's nothing between you and bestseller status. Well, except a little time and the habit of keeping the grind going hard.

Thank you, thank you!

For me, I think the key is this... I take things that have happened. Things that made me cry, made me angry, made me emotional, and I just channel it. In real life, I'm not this emotionally-driven tree hugging yuppie. I hate romantic comedies and I'm not going to fight to save the Pandas. But I'm an empath so when I feel, I feel a 360 view in most situations and I hurt much deeply than others would, depending on circumstance. Channeling the emotions definitely helps, because people always remember how you or your characters make you feel.

===

Today I actually wrote Chapter 1 to 75% in one sitting. What's funny is how you take the time to plot out this amazing story and everything that's going to happen, and it does, but not the way you even want it to happen. I've already created a new character in the first chapter of my book. I don't even know how and where and why and when, but she's already an important part of Carmen's life as she recovers from tragedy.

Chapter 1 - the one I originally mapped out - is now officially like Chapter 2. But I'm loving this. I'd rather have too much to write and it flows endlessly than to have too little to write and it feels like I'm grasping for air.

 

[Lauryn]

Happy Hump Day!

So the feedback from the publisher on my book is that the conflict is too repetitive. I have the option of expanding on the story more to add some more "action" to the novelette, or I can push to publish the book as is.

"You're a great writer," she said. "So the choice is pretty much yours."

I've decided I'm going to read the book again on my Kindle, and read The Fire in Fiction, and try to explore more things to add to the story.

Again, my goal is to make this book great:

- on its own

AND/OR

- in anticipation of the Playgirl Diaries.


==

I have 3 paid clients to clear up so this is going to take a minute.
I'm not too upset though. Clearly I have a gift and with some focus, I can make an amazing story.

I really like how she went to two beta readers and got their feedback also. This lets me know she's serious about making sure everything she puts out is official. So I'm learning and locked and loaded. I love it.

 

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[COSenior]

So the feedback from the publisher on my book is that the conflict is too repetitive.

Is this feedback on Ricochet, or on your concept for the Playgirl diaries? I just finished Ricochet. Very unusual style.

 

[Lauryn]

Is this feedback on Ricochet, or on your concept for the Playgirl diaries? I just finished Ricochet. Very unusual style.

For Ricochet. And yeah, the style was... deliberately unique so that it would feel more bird's eye view. It was just a sample to see if I could write... but I am open to changing it and modifying it in order to be more digestible and adaptable.

 

[Lauryn]

Good morning everyone!

Or good after-whatever...wherever you are.

So, after thinking about it, I think I will further expand on Ricochet. It is a long 47 page read... one that... basically could be too long of a chapter of a book.

I'm going to break the story down into a few different acts. And expand it into about 3-5 chapters... no more than 7 or 8, and create a stronger story around it.

This might take some time, but for those of you who have already read or downloaded this material... what you read will occur at the end of the story. Everything I create will build up the tension for the ending you've read.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I've sold almost 20 copies of my "best" book this month so far. Again, I'm pleased cause there's no marketing, and to be honest, I could use a newer better cover for the book. I'll be looking into cover design.

SO EXCITED!!!!!

One gift of mine is that I have a bunch of friends who've confided in me about different things. I have two married male friends, both in their 30s, who are dealing with similar issues with their wives. Nothing bad - and I love these ladies, they know who I am and that I'm friends with their husbands, but the men are at their wit's end on a certain topic.

Sooooo after doing a google search, I think I have hit another untapped need that might be open to discussion in a book. This book will not be for women, but women will be able to read it. This book will honestly be a non-fiction book for men, and yes it deals with sex in an intimate manner. The reason I think I'll be able to create a ballpark hit with this book is the fact that I'm going to be candid, straightforward and honest to help them understand the conflict and overcome the conflict. And it's based on experiences I've had that have frustrated me also (even though I am clearly a woman).

I've already been told I can use the material from the conversations I've had with my homies to apply to the material so long as I don't reveal names. And that's exactly what I plan to do...

---

I'm going to have to read the Master Plots book to help plot out Ricochet though. I'm great with archetypes and character development, but I feel adding a plot will make developing the action some people have been craving come along much faster.

Sometimes I feel like I'm talking too much instead of taking the action necessary, but I've been working both jobs, getting very little sleep and taking on clients for my business. It's amazing I'm even functioning today.

 

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[COSenior]

Sometimes it takes writing it down or talking about it, or both, before you can achieve clarity about your goals. I'm glad to hear you're going to expand Ricochet. I have some private feedback for you if you are open to it...just my opinion, nothing more.

Excited for you about your new project. It's always nice to have something waiting in the wings. What would be bad is not having a clue what your next book will be. That leads to navel-gazing and inaction. In sales, they have a motto: ABS--always be selling. In writing, it should be ABT--always be thinking.

 

[Lauryn]

I'm definitely open to private feedback. Feel free to hit me about it. At this point those of us who are regularly checking in with each other on our posts are somewhat family in a sense.

 

[Lauryn]

UPDATE!

• @COSenior and my publisher have given great feedback about my story. Time apart from the story will let me know how to proceed and strengthen the plot tremendously.
• Managers at BOTH my jobs have quit. Employees at one job are not pulling their weight, and employees at another job are understaffed. I have been working both jobs to near exhaustion and irritability. I took off the other day just to breathe and somewhat reset myself from the madness. Not tripping too hard, the money is needed right now.
• Client work has been slowly but surely wrapping up. One client is done, another has not too far to go.
• I've decided March is somewhat of a platform month. This is a month of preparation. April is the month where I focus on revising Ricochet and really kicking up the draft on The Playgirl Diaries. If I have my way, I will be underground when this happens. I'll be limiting my availability at my jobs, not giving more time than is necessary to get the work done and starting shifts/leaving early whenever possible.
• Book sales for the non-fiction books haven't been soaring, but the sales have been steady. I am happy because this is still money in my pocket as I develop.
• Time management will be key in the coming weeks. I'll need to have 3 weeks of hardcore work - writing, both jobs, clients - and one week where I only work one job, do the minimum there, and basically pamper myself outside of that. I'm going hard and it's cool but I can't handle too much more of this. So this week is my last killer week. Next week I'm in relaxation and planning mode for April.

It just feels like February and March have been proverbial kicks in the crotch. I haven't been able to give my writing focus. The good news is I'm actually putting away more money, and slimming down more naturally. Bad news....well, I'm not publishing and I feel so off target. I feel like my book should have been out by now.

 

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[Lauryn]

I was fired today. From that stressful, psychotic "bread and butter" job I had been working all those hours for.

And you know what?

I'm celebrating. Because I know I didn't do anything that merits being fired. Like I said - office bullying.
I know that I was a good employee and I have supervisors who can vouch for me in regard to these statements.

Additionally, like I said, I've had another job to begin with. I'm not tripping.
And I have clients. And a book to write.

I lie to you not. I have been so weak and tired dealing with the toxicity of that environment that I feel they did me a favor.
My other job pays less and provides less hours, but I'm at the point where I'm okay and willing to do what's necessary to get published.

I told you that job was called SURVIVOR.

 

[Rainy_TX]

I lie to you not. I have been so weak and tired dealing with the toxicity of that environment that I feel they did me a favor.

And I'm sure they did! You're a tough cookie and I have faith that you are going to do amazing!

 

[Cruor Vult]

I was wondering when you'd put down that heavy burden and be able to focus on what gives you meaning. Indeed they did you a favor. Full steam ahead now.

 

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[Lauryn]

Hey everyone!

The past few days have been better than anticipated. My rent is officially covered for a minute while I get it together. I'm blessed to be in a better position now than I was the last time I was "terminated" from a place (7 years ago).

Now I can not only sleep more (not out of laziness but to stay alert and focused when I am up), I can also remove myself from the frenzy of the grind and actually entertain the occasional date or two:

----

@ChickenHawk mentioned something in her thread about checking out the top sellers in your genre, the one you're trying to tackle, and reading some of their material. Did I mention my co-publisher is one of the TOP sellers in Amazon for the genre she's in? She gets hateful tweets about her book based on its title, and the book is a 3 part series so you'll find all her books in the top 5-10, including those she's helped publish by other authors, consistently in the top 10 for this genre. I feel really blessed.

She's not big on marketing. She's big on storytelling. So all of her guidance and feedback - just reading her material - shows me how to become a better writer.

----

I'm not currently focused on Ricochet. I'm giving it a break. I'm more focused on The Playgirl Diaries. I'm ready to let the stinky first draft come out. No more being tied up in confusion and perfectionism. Ricochet warmed me up to tell the story... and the story is now coming.

One more thing: Something I find really cool about writing, is how your story and its characters will create themselves from some kind of Formless Substance. Playgirl Diaries is rolling; everything within creates itself without much pre-meditation. I really can't put into words the phenomenon of starting out with the intention to write one thing and your hands get all magical. Before you know it, your story veers off in a completely unexpected direction. It happened, it happens now and it's going to happen again, but it always seems to work...

 

[Lauryn]

EXCERPTS from the DRAFT

• Unedited... so pieces may have spelling errors, choppiness or awkward flow. But it's still pretty damn decent enough for me to share.
• Language + Graphic details. No sex.

EXCERPT #1: SHE LIVES

What. The. F*ck.

Pain crushed my temples. My arms stung badly. My mouth was dry. My lips split as I yawned.
The rancid flavor of vomit slapped my tastebuds as I emerged into consciousness, the air
stinging my clearly raw throat. My arms felt heavy and stung badly. My eyelids were also heavy,
and my body felt groggy. I knew this familiar heaviness and sedation was a side effect from
ingesting all the diphenhydramine in all those sleeping pills I swallowed.

I threw back an entire bottle of Ipecac. I swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills. And I viciously
slashing both wrists until blood was everywhere. I was going to leave this Earth and live in the
sky.

But somewhere along the line, between the spaces of life and death, a battle of wills played out
between body and spirit, and body won. Instead of leaving this world and all the pain that came
with it behind, my body told me, “Die another day.”

Realizing that my suicide attempt failed crushed me. I was heartbroken, almost as heartbroken
as I was when I decided death was the only answer to my suffering. Nobody ever makes suicide
a friendly addition to their bucket list, but hell, when you actually decide to do it, you don’t create a
backup plan in the event you fail. Unintentionally surviving suicide - waking up alive - isn’t in the
handbook.

===

EXCERPT #2: AMBIVALENCE + BAD ROMANCE

Travis made it a point to see me every day before he went to work. I had moments where I told
myself I hated him and never wanted to see his face. And I meant it with every fiber of my being.
But I couldn’t deny the comfort seeing his face gave me.

I initially wasn’t interested in letting my love for him show above the surface, but eventually it did.
Most of the time he was with me, he would hold me in his arms while I cried hysterically.
I felt so protected and safe in his arms, and it was alright to break free from the stoic and dismissive attitude
I presented to the nosy a$$ nurses and their fake concern and just let my pain go. And he was okay with it,
because we’d been down this very road before, where he’d do something that triggered me to cry and be the
one to hold me while I released everything I held in. At the end of the tears, he’d wipe them away,
kiss my forehead and whisper, “I’m sorry baby. I love you. And I’m going to see you tomorrow.”

He meant it. My being away only added to his stress levels and guilt. You could look into his face
and see it all. He had as much stubble as the Air Force would allow, and his eyes were weary. It
was clear he’d been crying and feeling as f*cked up about the situation. Being that he was still
the romantic he’d always been, no visit was complete without a small gift. Every day, he’d enter
with a longstemmed red rose. He was well aware of my chocolate fetish, so concealed in his
pocket, he’d have another treat, like a Peppermint Patty, a Snickers or Butterfinger, which I
devoured quickly before the nurses came.

The day I was released, he showed up with an entire bouquet and a huge teddy bear. He had
also brought a change of clothes and some of my makeup, which I was grateful for. I might have
entered the hospital in some funky sweats, a vomitstained tee and Tuesday’s panties (not really,
but you get the point), but if I wasn’t leaving in a body bag, I didn’t want to leave looking as bad as
I’d come in.

===

EXCERPT #3: SOLIDARITY

She squeezed my hand for emphasis around the important points of her speech. I don’t know if it
served to reassure me so much as her. “I want you to know, personally, that I have put myself
and my career on the line by not diagnosing you the way I technically should have. Any other
patient would have been here for 30 days. Any other psychiatrist would not have taken this risk.
But I’m taking it, and I want you to know this. I also want you to know why.”

Dr. Patel’s eyes moistened as she spoke. “Carmen, I know you’re hurt, depressed, wounded
and angry. You’re quite frankly pissed off with your husband for his betrayals. You’re angry with
your family for their inability to see beyond the surface. And you’re angry with God for allowing
you to fall in love with someone who is so right, and yet so wrong.”

“I know this because I’ve been in a similar situation. My own husband of seven years has had a
string of affairs. His actions occurred during different times in our marriage. One time he even
sustained a woman on the side while I was pregnant with our son.”

She stopped as tears began to flow. We sat in the waves of sadness and emotion that rippled throughout the room.
Looking at her, I could see she really understood me, my pain and why I had “gone crazy.”

“Wow, Dr. Patel,” was all I could say.

“Upon confronting his behavior, I became deeply upset with my husband. I also disliked my life
as well. I contemplated taking our son, who is now three, and leaving in the middle of the night. I
began to cope with drinking. I’d come here, to this very office, and I’d drink wine nearly every day
before and after I actually began working.”

Dr. Patel never finished her story. She just refocused her speech upon me.

“Carmen, the woman everyone sees? She isn’t who you are. She’s who you’ve become out of
frustration and failed expectation. You’ve been frustrated by your husband’s behavior. You’ve
expected him to change. Your family is frustrated because you have what appears to be a good
man and a great situation, but they can’t understand the level of betrayal you feel when he’s not
providing emotional warmth and security in the manner you need. I get that.”

Dr. Patel sighed deeply. She wiped her tears, and stood up, beckoning me to embrace her. I
shared in the solidarity of this moment by hugging her, openly and lovingly. Not like someone
hugs a doctor who assesses their mental state, but like two lifelong friends who’ve survived a
major disaster. I felt her love and compassion for me and my situation. I could tell she was as
moved by my situation. I wasn’t another nutjob with no conscience. I was a deeply
wounded woman who was lost and F*cked over from living up to everyone else’s promises and
expectations for my life.

As our embrace ended, she pulled back, yet held me at arms distance, staring deep in my eyes,
as if to will me to really take in what she was about to say.

“You’re a wonderful and beautiful soul. I know you love this man, but before you love him, you
have to love yourself. What you did wasn’t an act of love. It was an act of defiance. Of hate. Even
martyrdom. You deserve to live a wonderful life, full of love and laughter, but you’ll have to learn
to deal with the painful challenges that arise also. Travis? … He loves you. I see it in his eyes.
But I can’t pretend the next time he pushes you this far, that you’ll survive or even be able to keep
the “crazy” label off you in the event you end up here again. This your survival? It’s your second
chance. Don’t waste it.”

 

[Rainy_TX]

But it's still pretty damn decent enough for me to share.

Jeez, Lauryn, you have a fantastic writing style! Everything is vivid and grabs a hold of you. Top notch!

 

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[Lauryn]

Jeez, Lauryn, you have a fantastic writing style! Everything is vivid and grabs a hold of you. Top notch!

Thank you! Thank you!
I feel so motivated to push forward this week!​

 

[Lauryn]

Sooo it's 3-30-14 and I have just a few small updates:
=============================================

• Amazon Royalties for this month are between $185 - $200. I won't really have a concrete number for a few more weeks. I'm excited because the bulk of these royalties are for my non-fiction title. Yes, the very one that propelled me into the true beauty of passive income. That book is 3 years old!

• After reading Held for Ransom's "Hello from Denver" thread again, I realize two things: 1) I need to be more patient and read everything the first time around - while taking notes, and 2) Never give up and never give in.

• Between Held for Ransom and Chicken Hawk's stories, plus looking at my very own, it's clear: This industry is for the taking. Just follow the formula, improve upon the method and execute faster. It gets easier with time, consistency and drive. Just push it.

• I'm going to jump around and write portions of The Playgirl Diaries that excite me and then fill in the blanks there. I'm just itching to get to the sex scenes (hey, I'm filthy, what can I say?) and just go from there. I can write powerful emotion, let's put a little Umph in it.

Now Push It... Push it Real Good!

 

[Cruor Vult]

This industry is for the taking.

​

Something we all should keep in mind. Making a living from this is not magic anymore.

 

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[Lauryn]

Rant... because this is a thread about my life in the process. And maybe, someday, I'll be able to look at this all and see it was worth it.

Spent a full day at my part time job and I was okay, but in a pretty nice mood.

I end up coming home and hearing about all the cool details relating to the job I was fired from. The 40% pay increase, the paid vacation and benefits.
Just... all this shit everyone's getting that I'm not over some very petty bullshit.

Excuse my language but L's feelin' some type of way right now.

I left home on 4/30/13. I had like $300 cash...and $800 available on a credit card. This all started with my attempt to solidify myself in the real world and not feel like a loser.

For whatever reason, on 3-31-14... I feel like that loser I told myself I wasn't.

I'm 29 and I have been on the Sidewalk/Slowlane Merry Go Round and struggling to jump off into a Fastlane for a minute. As in, since I was 19 and read Rich Dad, Poor Dad and realize I had life f*cked up.

In a way, I guess it's great to see I'm so gotdamn unemployable that I have no choice but to make it.
At the same time, part of me is wondering if I'll reach this saturation point where I'll just say F*ck it, trash everything I own, give away my cell, my car and whatever money/debit cards I have... and just disappear from everyone and everything. Maybe I'll just buy a one-way ticket someplace foreign and live off shrubs and air.

I'm ranting, but at the same time, I'm just tired, worn and seriously wondering.

--------

Well, in non-self-piteous, "I was fine until you told me all this cool shit I'm NOT F*ckING GETTING", news... I wrote a sex scene earlier today. It was a bit of challenge, because I caught myself trying to ramble about the two people and in all honesty, I needed to cut back so they could get it on...


Yup...

 

[Cruor Vult]

... and just disappear from everyone and everything. Maybe I'll just buy a one-way ticket someplace foreign and live off shrubs and air.

Some of us have done similar things. Sometimes it works out fine, sometimes not. You will often find that wherever you go, there you are. And any baggage you have is still right there with you.
I have no patience with amateur therapists, but I'm going to be one now: How about thinking less about what might have been and more about what you are doing right now? Easier said than done, of course.
Also, you're only 29? From your writing I would have guessed that you were older.