Dealing with anger against my smoking father

[Kshatriya]

As I have shared in my previous thread, the B&M business of my father has a much higher potential and income than the courier business I'm currently running.

So I'm going to the shop in the evening and open it after 7pm. Sometimes my father smokes and when I know that, I get angry and lose the mood to do the business and then sit inside the shop without opening the door.

I feel like I'm tired of all these and I want to get rid of everything. If I leave the family, it will be a huge burden on my mother.

Considering the fact that many of you might be smokers and many don't mind their loved ones smoking, I believe there are people in this forum who are in a similar situation. Advices are welcome from everyone.

 

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[theag]

Maybe you should develop a thicker skin. Thats not really a reason to get angry..

 

[Gsuz]

Unless your business is propane cylinder refills, I fail to see the reason for getting moody and not opening up.

 

[codo3500]

My dad smokes. It sucks. I got over it... 20 years ago.

 

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[Lauryn]

There's really nothing you can do. You can't protest against his smoking by going to work and not working. Both my parents smoked. All my damn life. It wasn't until about 10-12 years ago that a woman we knew died in her 40s of lung cancer. From smoking. My dad stopped immediately. COLD TURKEY. My mom stopped but it took her a little longer. (She is also diabetic so she switched back to eating sugar.)

Either overlook it for the sake of the fact that you can't change it, or keep it moving.

 

[Kshatriya]

Maybe you should develop a thicker skin. Thats not really a reason to get angry..

Unless your business is propane cylinder refills, I fail to see the reason for getting moody and not opening up.

I see your point. The problem is I will have to go to hospital to take care of him, if he becomes ill due to smoking.

My dad smokes. It sucks. I got over it... 20 years ago.

Happy for you, mate. I find it very difficult.

There's really nothing you can do. You can't protest against his smoking by going to work and not working. Both my parents smoked. All my damn life. It wasn't until about 10-12 years ago that a woman we knew died in her 40s of lung cancer. From smoking. My dad stopped immediately. COLD TURKEY. My mom stopped but it took her a little longer. (She is also diabetic so she switched back to eating sugar.)

Either overlook it for the sake of the fact that you can't change it, or keep it moving.

Happy for you, mate. My father believes in predefined destiny, and he says "whatever has to happen will happen".

I believe that's why he stayed in the pavement sidewalking, despite having an exceptional marketing skill. Trust me, almost everyone in the town believes he has made at least $1.5m. But he was a pure sidewalker - no account maintenance in the shop, trusting every employee, and what MJ calls, instant gratification. My mother noticed it over a decade ago and saved a little money (for the future security) without letting him know about it and secured a house with ambition, (and he opposed while buying it). After all, it's their money, so I don't mind whatever they do with it as long as it doesn't affect my life.

 

[SeanKelly]

You have a very thin skin.... what's going to happen when one of your clients isn't pleased with your work and gets nasty with you? Are you going to sit in a corner and cry about it and then shut down the business?

Your Dad chooses to smoke whether you like it or not (so do millions of other people). Things could be much worse so if this gets in your way then I really don't think you'll ever be successful in life. You need to grow up...

 

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[Lauryn]

I see your point. The problem is I will have to go to hospital to take care of him, if he becomes ill due to smoking.


Happy for you, mate. I find it very difficult.


Happy for you, mate. My father believes in predefined destiny, and he says "whatever has to happen will happen".

I believe that's why he stayed in the pavement sidewalking, despite having an exceptional marketing skill. Trust me, almost everyone in the town believes he has made at least $1.5m. But he was a pure sidewalker - no account maintenance in the shop, trusting every employee, and what MJ calls, instant gratification. My mother noticed it over a decade ago and saved a little money (for the future security) without letting him know about it and secured a house with ambition, (and he opposed while buying it). After all, it's their money, so I don't mind whatever they do with it as long as it doesn't affect my life.

I see the real reasons. It's much deeper than smoking, obviously. It's the way his refusal to take responsibility through his attitude and how it selfishly affects others that's bothering you.

That said, it's sad to hear this is what you're dealing with. Again, all you can do is be proactive like your mom and take over. He does not seem to give a damn one way or the other. I just said what I said because no matter how hard I tried to get mine to stop smoking, nothing worked. Not even those stupid DARE projects they made us do in school.

 

[Kshatriya]

That said, it's sad to hear this is what you're dealing with. Again, all you can do is be proactive like your mom and take over.

Your Dad chooses to smoke whether you like it or not (so do millions of other people). Things could be much worse so if this gets in your way then I really don't think you'll ever be successful in life.

Yeah, your statements make sense. I'm going to print the posts on a paper and keep it in my wallet. Thank you, guys. Thank you everyone.

 

[jon.a]

Ask him to try alternative nicotine delivery options. While in the hospital for my heart attack (there's a story ) they put me on patches. My cravings were manageable.

Later:

The candies and gums didn't work for me. I was researching patches on the internet, and found ecigs. It took less than a week to switch over. I still get my nicotine but not the smoke.

Plus...
Because I use re-fillable ecigs the cost has gone from many $100s per month to about $10-20 per month.

 

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[Kshatriya]

The candies and gums didn't work for me. I was researching patches on the internet, and found ecigs. It took less than a week to switch over. I still get my nicotine but not the smoke.

Is it something like this: http://www.ebay.in/itm/EGO-CE4-electronic-e-cigarette-Kit-with-charger-/271514314558? If not, would you please share a link to the product? or a picture of yours?

 

[jon.a]

Is it something like this: http://www.ebay.in/itm/EGO-CE4-electronic-e-cigarette-Kit-with-charger-/271514314558? If not, would you please share a link to the product? or a picture of yours?

Really close. I use this...
http://www.ebay.com/itm/Kanger-Mini...467?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item35d94b6c3b

Same batteries, sold separately.
It's a major manufacturer so it's easy to get parts.
I buy my juice in bulk and mix it myself.

 

[smarty]

My dad smokes a lot at home, plays Chess anywhere he can find a chess table and on facebook all day long (often until 3AM), watches news on TV, watches bullshit movies (serials), is very self-egoistic (meaning that he doesn't know a F*ck how to give love to the close people). He doesn't talk to my sister because she married some guy he didn't like. He hardly talks to my mom (best in the world), because he thinks she revealed his lies to us (actually we kids discovered them and I blew them all in his face). I have been mocked by him (you shouldn't oppose daddy, right?) for years and I felt guilty for having to talk to him while I didn't like him and while he turned to be the biggest disappoint of my life at that time. And he is Lawyer (he is supposed to protect justice for other people). Now how more f*cked up could this be?
So now I'm the only kid currently living at home and have chosen to completely (100%) ignore him, like supposing he doesn't exist at all or like he is invisible. I don't talk to him and I have decided to let him think whatever he likes to think and resolve his issues himself.
He even tries to intimidate me by looking at me for many seconds when I ignore him. Doesn't F*cking matter anymore. He used this kind of intimidation "technique" for many years prior, when I wasn't even aware of it.
I plan to leave home after a month when I will have enough money for that, and go live and work on my online software business in capital city for at least a few months. To see how the "old me" behaves in a new environment which is not poisoned and to work without my "old excuses".

So my advice for you would be set yourself free, whatever that means for you, whatever the price may be.
That doesn't mean to go nuts, but make a plan and take some calculated risk.

I feel like I'm tired of all these and I want to get rid of everything. If I leave the family, it will be a huge burden on my mother.

You shouldn't use your mom as an excuse to keep yourself feeling like a "victim". She may actually know how you're feeling. The best service for your mom is that you "don't be the permission seeking boy" which seems counter intuitive but it's similar to old friends trying to put you down when you start to get some success.

Set some new expectations and assume your outcome. And don't be the permission seeking boy.

Best thing is that you don't have to deal with it. you only have to deal with what you want, not with what you don't want.

 

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[jon.a]

WTF,

@Vasuki Narasimha is this a I hate my father or I want to help my father thread?

 

[Mattie]

 

[SteveO]

There is nothing that you can do. Everyone has their own life to live. It is not up to us to micro-manage. My mom is a schizophrenic. I don't like it when she wigs out. It is constant though and there is nothing I can do about it. I help her get past the tough parts of her life.

I realize that she cannot quit being mentally sick and that your dad has a choice. But he is who he is. You are not going to change that.

The sooner that you realize this, the sooner you can move to acceptance.

 

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[Marc B.]

Step out of the shop and take a deep breath of fresh air (literally and metaphorically).

Find the strength to persevere, be patient and change your perspective. Your father's path might not align with yours, but there is a lot you can learn from him if his brick and mortar has as much potential as you said. Ask him to teach you the ropes and embrace the moments you spend with him learning. His smoking is the opportunity cost, and you should understand that it is not easy for smokers to quit. They know how it affects their health, and they know how it affects the people around them, but addiction is a strong force that some outsiders looking in cannot comprehend without experiencing it first hand. Politely ask him to open a window, turn on a fan, or do something to facilitate mutual comfort.

My father smokes, and he has smoked for his whole life. I don't like it, but I have learned to live with it, and I will be damned if I let something so trivial tear our relationship apart. Our best moments together are when he takes the time to sit, have a heart to heart, and teach me something that one can only learn from experience, whether in business or in life. He lights a cigar, and I turn on a fan. We make it work, and that's what you have to do.

Trust yourself and your own effort. Apply what you learn daily and the time will come when you can leave the smokey shop to open one of your own. Then, when you are gifted with clarity, do not forget to look to him and say "Thank you."

 

[Kshatriya]

My father smokes, and he has smoked for his whole life. I don't like it, but I have learned to live with it, and I will be damned if I let something so trivial tear our relationship apart. Our best moments together are when he takes the time to sit, have a heart to heart, and teach me something that one can only learn from experience, whether in business or in life. He lights a cigar, and I turn on a fan. We make it work, and that's what you have to do.

Thank you for sharing your story, Marc. Fortunately, my father has never smoked in my (or my mother's) presence. If we went to him while he was smoking, he used to throw the beedi. He currently stays at home recovering from stroke and doesn't come to the shop.

you should understand that it is not easy for smokers to quit. They know how it affects their health, and they know how it affects the people around them, but addiction is a strong force that some outsiders looking in cannot comprehend without experiencing it first hand.

That's a strong point, Marc. I completely agree, though it's difficult to stick to it, at least in the beginning.

 

[MorgothBauglir]

I see your point. The problem is I will have to go to hospital to take care of him, if he becomes ill due to smoking.

point me to someone who's perfect. He would go to the hospital for you too.

If you're worried about second hand smoke, let your dad know not to smoke near you out of respect.

My dad quit smoking about a year ago. Support and encouragement worked wayyyyy better than anger and criticism, just saying. Good luck man.

 

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[Kshatriya]

point me to someone who's perfect. He would go to the hospital for you too.

Nope, he doesn't. Sorry if it sounds blunt. But I was unconscious for 2 days and hospitalized in a different city for about 5 days (about 7 years ago). He didn't even visit. As we returned home, the first thing he asked my mother was "how much was the hospital bill?"

 

[Angus]

Holy shit dude, that's quite funny.

Nope, he doesn't. Sorry if it sounds blunt. But I was unconscious for 2 days and hospitalized in a different city for about 5 days (about 7 years ago). He didn't even visit. As we returned home, the first thing he asked my mother was "how much was the hospital bill?"

Did this hurt you?


I don't even understand if you actually CARE about your father.
Seems to me that you are just worried about your mother.

You have no control over your father vices, so stop being emotional about them.
If you want to help your mother, do something UNDER YOUR CONTROL that will help her.

 

[Mattie]

Really it sounds like you just have some past issues with your dad, that you need to work through. Smoking is just the surface issue. Fortunately, you just have to understand some Father's and Husband's aren't always cut out for it, and do a bad job at it.

You just have to make peace with the past and forgive. Let go of trying to change him, and just accept him for what he is and move on. Parents are parents. You just have to set your boundaries, and let go of stuff, and stay focused on your life.

 

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[RogueInnovation]

Afraid of him dying - Ask yourself if you can accept his death
Afraid of him getting hospitalised - Look for realistic solutions and compromises
Afraid of him being a sidewalker - Give him a book, introduce him to people, etc, as people generally listen to strangers
Feel like cr#p - Be you, focus on you, and don't tie yourself down outta misplaced loyalty

 

[AndrewNC]

Two brothers witness their father smoking.

One brother accepts it for what it is and lives his life.

The other brother lets this observation negatively affect his life.

So if the act of smoking doesn't affect both of them negatively, could it be that the real problem is within the mindset of one of the brothers, and not a father after all.

Why do you choose I let this bother you?

 

[Mattie]

Well all of them can have a different reality and mindset. Not see eye to eye. Negative and positive mindsets, they usually collide.

 

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[Jonleehacker]

I see your point. The problem is I will have to go to hospital to take care of him, if he becomes ill due to smoking.

The only difference between that, and looking after him if he was in an accident is your attitude.

Your father has the right to do what he wants, you are not a victim of your father's smoking, you are a victim of not being in your heart. If you love your father, you forgive him for not being perfect and you take care of him no matter what.

You aren't perfect either, nobody is. The only thing that can really damage you is closing down and being angry about things that are beyond your control. Love him and that will keep you both healthy.

 

[Ninjakid]

Um, dude, I think this is much ado about nothing.

Honestly, who cares if your father smokes? Maybe you don't want him to get cancer? It's his choice. He is probably perfectly aware of the potential consequences, but he chooses it anyways. And I know people who have smoked most of their lives, and never gotten cancer; it's not a death sentence like the media portrays. I've heard of people who don't smoke, don't drink, and never eat McDonalds or drink a coca-cola, who have gotten cancer or some other illness.

Don't be angry at your father over this, man. There's many worse things to be than a smoker. You might look back on this one day and regret being so mad at him because he smokes.

 

[Gale4rc]

Get him a vape (ecig) ... Makes it easy to quit although it's still not healthy... Arguably 100x more healthy than a real cig.


- Ex pack a day smoker.

 

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[Ninjakid]

Get him a vape (ecig) ... Makes it easy to quit although it's still not healthy... Arguably 100x more healthy than a real cig.


- Ex pack a day smoker.

Actually they're a lot worse than a regular cigarette.
Moisture damages the aveoli in the lungs, and with an e-cigarette, you're constantly breathing in water vapour.

 

[Gale4rc]

Moisture damages the aveoli in the lungs, and with an e-cigarette, you're constantly breathing in water vapour

1 bad thing compared to:

Over 7000 chemical compounds are created by burning a cigarette,many of which are toxic and/or carcinogenic. Carbon monoxide, nitrogen oxides, hydrogen cyanide and ammonia are all present incigarette smoke, among many other chemicals. Over 70 known carcinogens

Let's just agree to disagree. The last thing I want to do is fight with a non smoking hater.

This is how I see it (from stopcancerfund.org article which cited many medical journals):

"There are no long-term studies to back up claims that the vapor from e-cigarettes is less harmful than conventional smoke. Cancer takes years to develop, and e-cigarettes were only very recently introduced to the United States. It is almost impossible to determine if a product increases a person’s risk of cancer or not until the product has been around for at least 15-20 years. Despite positive reviews from e-cigarette users who enjoy being able to smoke them where regular cigarettes are prohibited, very little is known about their safety and long-term health effects."

Nobody really knows if they're safer or not. But if you were going to bet, would it be on the one with the 7000 chemical compounds or the one with 7-8 chemicals depending on what flavor? Don't tell me ecigs are worse.

"Typical e-cigarette juices have about 7 or 8 ingredients. These include PG and/or VG, Nicotine, Distilled Water, and Flavorings. (I'm looking at the ingredient list on my bottle of JC juice.) And since there is no combustion, there should be no additional chemicals created. You're just vaporizing a liquid, not changing the state of matter. Current evidence seems to support this."