Dealing with anger against my smoking father

[Ninjakid]

There's forms of smoking that aren't cigarettes which are more harmful. What makes cigarettes harmful though is the fact that people smoke them constantly throughout the day.

E-cigs, you can literally smoke them for hours without stopping. nNotlike a cigarette which you smoke for about 5 minutes

 

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[garysvpa]

As I have shared in my previous thread, the B&M business of my father has a much higher potential and income than the courier business I'm currently running.

So I'm going to the shop in the evening and open it after 7pm. Sometimes my father smokes and when I know that, I get angry and lose the mood to do the business and then sit inside the shop without opening the door.

I feel like I'm tired of all these and I want to get rid of everything. If I leave the family, it will be a huge burden on my mother.

Considering the fact that many of you might be smokers and many don't mind their loved ones smoking, I believe there are people in this forum who are in a similar situation. Advices are welcome from everyone.

Perhaps you are angry because somehow you are also concerned with the health condition of your father.

But let me tell you, that two-thirds of adult smokers who wish they could quit say they aren't able to. Why?

1.) Nicotine stimulates pleasure centers in the brain and is highly addictive.

2.) When nicotine is discontinued, the smoker will experience physical withdrawal symptoms, making the person want to start smoking again to stop the withdrawal symptoms.

I'm not defending your father. I just hope that instead you feel bad about the situation, maybe you can help him to guide on how to deal with nicotine withdrawal, smoking triggers, and other barriers so your father can quit.

 

[Kshatriya]

Thank you.

Thank you all. I believe the 'skin is getting thicker' recently. Though I didn't notice/hear about my father smoking, I noticed myself getting significantly stronger in emotions during other situations. In turn, it feels way better now.

 

[Kshatriya]

Thank you all for your help.

Now his smoking habit is not at all a big deal for me. It wasn't easy in the beginning, but now, I feel like "Is it such a trivial thing I was worrying about?"

I could focus on the business. I bought a site (35' x 100') recently, where I would like to build a small warehouse - in the future - to store products, process the remote orders and ship them from.

Once again, thank you all.

 

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[Argie]

I have the same issue with my dad although I stopped getting angry a long time ago, he says "I know smoking will kill me but at least I will die doing what it makes me happy"....bullshit, anyway, he tried to quit in the past but never took it seriously, I believe he did it just to shut me up for a while. He smokes around 40+ cigarretes a day....I stopped trying to make him quit, I know it is an addiction and is hard to quit specially when you don't want to, but I think he shoud be a little less selfish and think about the suffering me and mom will go thru when he dies of a heart attack or worst....since my sister past away (breast cancer), I have tried to use that to try to convince him but is useless, as I said, he doesn't care...fortunately my mom quit smoking 3-4 years ago althought since my sister past away she stopped going to the doctor so I guess I have a lot of visits to the hospital in my future (if they are lucky enough to not died suddenly)

 

[Marc B.]

I'm glad that you were able to move past the challenge and find an opportunity instead.

It wasn't easy in the beginning, but now, I feel like "Is it such a trivial thing I was worrying about?"

Never forget this. It's the same conclusion that you will reach time and time again after you conquer the difficulties associated with blazing your own path.

 

[GravyBoat]

So now I'm the only kid currently living at home and have chosen to completely (100%) ignore him, like supposing he doesn't exist at all or like he is invisible.

Have you left home yet? I'd probably kick my kid the F*ck out if he pulled that after expecting me to put food on the table...

 

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[healthstatus]

he says "I know smoking will kill me but at least I will die doing what it makes me happy"

Google "smoking cost calculator", show him how much money he is spending over time. Ask him how happy he could be with that.

 

[smarty]

Have you left home yet? I'd probably kick my kid the F*ck out if he pulled that after expecting me to put food on the table...

I would probably kick you the F*ck out since I'm the one bringing food to the table and he's for many years now just sleeping and watching TV.
If you like to make assumptions to make yourself feel good, that's another issue.

 

[GravyBoat]

I would probably kick you the F*ck out since I'm the one bringing food to the table and he's for many years now just sleeping and watching TV.
If you like to make assumptions to make yourself feel good, that's another issue.

Sorry man, didn't realize you provided for the family. None of my business but just wanted to confirm for others. Didn't mean to come across as condescending or anything.

 

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[Tlcalis]

Why don't you help your dad with kicking the smoking habit??

 

[GuestUser112]

You will have little success if you keep attempting to change your fathers' habits by focusing on him. If you want to help people, you have to lead, and be respected. You have to become somebody that they would emulate, and want to follow the footsteps of. Somebody they like, and want to talk to. That's Step 1. Focus on yourself.

Step 2. Seek to understand before you are understood.

Ignoring or chastising your father is not going to remove him from your life, nor will it improve anything. You aren't going to forget him, and the communication will not develop on its own. You might think it makes the situation passive but in reality, cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion (Tool, "Schism"...great song) You will never regret a positive attempt to improve the situation, but you may regret abandoning him.

Instead, find something to laugh about, so you're in a good mood, and then make it your mission to make him laugh. If you can make people laugh, they will like you. They will want to talk to you. That gives you the opportunity to listen to them, and help address their concerns. When somebody knows you are a patient and understanding listener, they will trust you. The toll is time and patience, but the sowing will reap a bountiful harvest.

Then, all kinds of avenues for leading change can open up. Ex. Hey, wanna walk to the store? Hey man, I'm cooking a damn good recipe for dinner, it's as healthy as they come, help yourself. I'm going to play some ball later, you wanna come? I'll bet you ten bucks you don't score once. You played a decent game, for a smoker. I bet if we do it more your lungs will get better pretty fast.

And there you have it. You plant a seed of thought. A value of health, fun, movement, and social activity. Cigarettes and lazy behavior become less valuable because the negative effects are revealed. Now they desire to change themselves, and your positive influence can accelerate this.

You only get one father, so it's worth a shot.

 

[AntEmpire]

I lost my dad six months ago to colon cancer. He was a smoker. I don't know if smoking was the cause of his cancer, but I do know I would give anything to have him alive again, cigarettes and all. I also just recently lost an aunt to a sudden heart attack. She was a smoker. And my mother is a lifetime smoker. Stepfather, too.

It's hard watching people you love slowly kill themselves with bad habits, but I learned to accept it years ago. People only change when they want to. Anger and begging from family and friends will never get them there.

I understand where you're coming from. I used to be angry with my mom, too. But I hope it will be a long time before you understand where I'm coming from, because losing a parent changes everything. I know you're angry with your father, but try to accept him for his faults, because the older you get the less time you will have with him. And when your father is gone you'll miss him greatly, faults and all.

 

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[El Guapo]

You will have little success if you keep attempting to change your fathers' habits by focusing on him. If you want to help people, you have to lead, and be respected. You have to become somebody that they would emulate, and want to follow the footsteps of. Somebody they like, and want to talk to. That's Step 1. Focus on yourself.

Step 2. Seek to understand before you are understood.

Ignoring or chastising your father is not going to remove him from your life, nor will it improve anything. You aren't going to forget him, and the communication will not develop on its own. You might think it makes the situation passive but in reality, cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion (Tool, "Schism"...great song) You will never regret a positive attempt to improve the situation, but you may regret abandoning him.

Instead, find something to laugh about, so you're in a good mood, and then make it your mission to make him laugh. If you can make people laugh, they will like you. They will want to talk to you. That gives you the opportunity to listen to them, and help address their concerns. When somebody knows you are a patient and understanding listener, they will trust you. The toll is time and patience, but the sowing will reap a bountiful harvest.

Then, all kinds of avenues for leading change can open up. Ex. Hey, wanna walk to the store? Hey man, I'm cooking a damn good recipe for dinner, it's as healthy as they come, help yourself. I'm going to play some ball later, you wanna come? I'll bet you ten bucks you don't score once. You played a decent game, for a smoker. I bet if we do it more your lungs will get better pretty fast.

And there you have it. You plant a seed of thought. A value of health, fun, movement, and social activity. Cigarettes and lazy behavior become less valuable because the negative effects are revealed. Now they desire to change themselves, and your positive influence can accelerate this.

You only get one father, so it's worth a shot.

Awesome response, tried to transfer rep but i don't have any to do so. Perhaps I'm biased because changing bad habits of those that I am close to has been something on my mind for sometime and by taking this kind of approach it hasn't only helped me deal with it but has also aided with the problems.

I think this has been the best input on this topic.

 

[caezlar]

My uncle got sick and died because of drinking, my wife's father got sick and died because of smoking.
no way can stop them, that is their life's biggest hobby.